When bad things happen to me, my guard goes up against all emotion and I live in some fairytale I have created in my head where it all works out the way I wanted. I can’t face reality or real emotions. It works fine and all and I am kind of happy on the surface most of the time. But recently I let someone in and trusted him and when he broke my heart, I can’t face what happened and just cry. Now I can’t get over him and move on. There is a hole inside me and it hurts but I won’t let myself face it so I can move on.
I can’t cry or face any real problems that happen to me. I’ve stopped living in reality and sort of float through life in a fantasy. I want to live again and face reality so I can actually deal with the problems and be stronger. How do I start to feel and face reality?
Retreat for a while and spend time to yourself. Allow yourself to process the situation, write about it and don’t worry about allowing yourself to live in a fantasy life. Eventually you’ll uncover the truth of why this attachment is still lingering in your life. As miserable as you may feel now, always keep in mind that the most dreadful situations are always the ones that allow for the most positive transformation and change.
You’re beautiful and when you’re good and ready to move on you will, to start feeling again you have to be open and put yourself out there and that will leave you vulnerable to be hurt again, that’s the gamble of love. Be conscious of your thoughts though, if you think of him then don’t.. if you catch yourself thinking of him then tell yourself no and think of something else, you’ll find someone more deserving of your love.
Take care, life goes on.
I think we all live in that fairy tale where we want everything and for everything to work out the way we want it to. I think in life, you have to face your problems head on. I think in order to really get over your ex, see him one last time and tell him how hurt your feeling. Maybe you’ll feel better knowing those feelings are out of your chest and you might be able to move on with your life. Never go out with another guy if you’re still in love with someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
I don’t have an answer, but I’m right there with you. I spend hours a day just living in memories. I think meditation is the solution, but it is a double edge sword because instead of diligently working to passively observe my thoughts, I surrender to them instead and allow myself to be whisked away to another time and place.
I think that hole you feel in your heart (and I feel it too) is a form of self-loathing and I’m reminded by a quote in the book Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse:
“As for others and the world around him he never ceased in his heroic and earnest endeavor to love them, to be just to them, to do them no harm, for the love of his neighbor was as deeply in him as the hatred of himself, and so his whole life was an example that love of one’s neighbor is not possible without love of oneself, and that self-hate is really the same thing as sheer egoism, and in the long run breeds the same cruel isolation and despair.”
It may feel like selflessness to love someone else so much, but it is craving also and with that comes ego. I think, as with life, the key is to meditate diligently (not just sitting meditation, but making life a meditative process) and re-discover your oneness with the universe. I suspect that oneness is a a way of being you once knew before that allowed you to open your heart so fully to another person. Focus on healing you, rediscover the person you truly are. That rediscovery, once underway, will build its own inertia and you will learn to love yourself again. In the mean time, don’t seek happiness, but instead try to be mindful of contentment. You are a beautiful soul with an enormous capacity to love and you will find your way back to being whole. Give it time. You are still on the path, even if you think that you’re not. Try to feel the sensation of the path with every step. Focus the mind.
Just a suggestion, but consider a 10 day Vipassana retreat if you can make the time. Very hard work and it may break you down before it builds you up. But likely it will help you to calm your mind and give you the tools you need to move forward.