Why do I feel so bad for asking for emotional help? This includes posting on this site. This website has gotten full of people posting about their problems and asking for free help, and I don’t want to see it become just that. But the people here are awesome and give helpful advice, so I feel terrible for asking for help but I need it. I feel like I should be able to handle myself, but right now I’m a little too unstable and giving in against my pride.
I’m a male, and for my whole life I’ve bottled things in. I have a terrible amount of pride, and don’t like to show when I’m hurt. I feel like this is a good attribute because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, but time and my suffering have shown otherwise. I don’t have any empathy for myself; if someone else comes to me and ask for help I’d be fully supportive and glad I could make them feel better, but I don’t expect the same thing for me.
When girls have hurt me in the past I just let it go, and move on. I don’t tell them they broke my heart because that’s not what a man should do right? I should take the blow and toughen up. Is this right or am I being delusional? Am I just not strong enough? and is that a bad thing?
Here’s an example of my dilemma. I decided tonight to text a girl (fighting against myself to do it) who hurt me and tell her how she made me feel. She texted back apologetically, and said we should start over. That is great for my life, I realize if I give in and drop my ego I’ll be much happier. On the other hand I don’t want to, it’s a matter of pride vs happiness. I don’t want to give up either.
I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong about my point of view that I need to change, or I’ll be unhappy in the long run.
It sounds like you are living under the veil of what popular culture would like you to believe is reality. One thing I would suggest is read some of the posts, especially the newest one, by the creator of this site Jordan Lejuwan (spelling?) he talks a ton about self love and the destructive nature of measuring yourself and your actions against what you believe to be expected of you. Just search deeper through this site man. I was in your same boat about a year and a half ago and since spending some time with myself and exploring the world through a new lens I’ve been much happier.
Also explore, with an open mind of course, the less stereotypically male domains, such as opening up to people, allowing for yourself to be completely vulnerable. This vulnerability is what ties us all together. When we lose this we’ve lost everything. Good luck brother!
@bewylde, I don’t believe I’m living in the veil, I see through it but I’m scared of judgement. It’s actually weird. I can act a fool, and I don’t care what people think about me at all, I know myself and my close friends, and if they accept me I’m okay. But if I start acting emotional I keep it inside…
@mellowpanda, don’t be scared of judgment. Who cares what anyone thinks of you but you? You are not here to impress other people or play a role for them, you are here to be you and that’s it. And always be honest with yourself. Especially in the context of women, this makes sense to me. Wouldn’t you want an honest girl versus someone who kept secrets and played games? I’ve never been in a relationship, but my understanding of it seems to suggest that the golden rule works best – treat the ladies the way you’d want to be treated yourself.
It’s great that you want to solve your own problems, but don’t forget asking for help takes that much more courage. The more well-informed you are, the better decisions you can make.
You’re clearly unhappy or distressed about putting on an act – that right away should tell you that you don’t really want to be that way, that something isn’t right. You worry you don’t know who you will be….the answer is yourself. You don’t have to be who anyone thinks you are or thinks you should be, and as a result you’ll have more honest, quality relationships (I don’t just mean lovers, I mean everyone). That’s one thing I’ve learned over the years. You can pick and choose all of the elements of your character.
@mellowpanda, Im the same way man. Ive had some pretty big mental challenges the past year or 2 and just told my family/best friends a few days ago. I did it for the same reason, my pride got in the way and I didnt want anyone to know that I was hurting. At the same time, I was also willing and wanting to help others with their problems.
Today was actually my first day of counseling and I’ll say this, I can already start to feel better. If you want help, ask for it. I dont remember the quote exactly, but I know there is one thats like, the strongest people are the ones that know they need help. So be strong and ask for help and dont be afraid to open up a little bit. Im starting to now and regret not doing it earlier
@mellowpanda, “I’m scared of judgement” – could be that your ego-identity is too fragile to put out there, as it may get shattered, and then, as you said, “if I come out of it I don’t know who I’ll be… I may not like myself.” It appears that you have split yourself in two. You identify as “I” liking or not liking “myself”. When did you become two people? (don’t worry, we all seem to go through this). And you know what? It may be scary, and shake you to your core.
“And remember, there is going to be an interim period,
an interval, when the ego will be shattered,
when you will not know who you are, when you will not know where
you are going, when all boundaries will melt.
You will simply be confused, a chaos.
Because of this chaos, you are afraid to lose the ego.
But it has to be so.
One has to pass through the chaos before one attains
to the real center.
And if you are daring, the period will be small.
If you are afraid, and you again fall back to the ego,
and you again start arranging it,
then it can be very, very long;
many lives can be wasted.”
BUT, ‘I’ contend it will be worth it.
See the whole article here: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm
Peace, Love & Light