Feeling stuck…

Malwow (@Malwow) 7 years ago

I love my daughter. 

I live in a small town never had any help, everyone planned college after high school, me?no one talked to me about any of that. I made great grades. I played Soccer. I felt like I had my life ahead of me and that some day someone would help me plan a college to go to or show me how to apply. Or show me my opportunities…. but that never happened. Next thing you know I’m homeless. I was living with friends for my last year of school, most moved off.. so i became homeless because I couldn’t go to my abusive parents. Living in hotels. Doing side jobs. Not knowing what to do, I got into a bad crowd, I got pregnant. I knew I had to do something. So i quit running around with those people,I finally got a place of my own, with government assistance of course. Had my beautiful daughter and her father moved her to “help” me. He tries so hard but he’s got anxiety so bad he can’t leave the house hardly.  So He can work, so Im struggling alone and now with him also, no income, no family, no help, no friends besides drug users. So now my daughter is going to be 5 months tomorrow and I keep having there break downs… I’ll never be able to do what I wanted. I’ll never be able to save money and move away. Or go to the beach. Or party with friends or meet people.  Either because my responsibilities or because my baby’s father is effected by it. I don’t know what to do. I want my daughter to have a good life. And have opportunities and be mentally stable and away from this drug town… im too selfish for adoption… I could of done it had it been set up before I had her but of course no resources and I’m young I don’t know anything…. I just don’t know what to do… I have cps down my through assuming I smoke pot which I quit when pregnant… and I did everything they said, they are illegally threatening me etc. Nothing has gone to court. Or anything.  I just don’t know what to dO. I want to live my life. I want my daughter to have a great life… but I don’t think I could do adoption. and if I did that would mean my baby daddy and I wouldn’t be together anymore… my life’s a mess. I just want to be happy….. any advice. please Dont be mean…

May 19, 2015 at 6:57 am
Kris (328) (@kjbaran) 7 years ago ago

The only way an unchangeable environment can change is by changing our thoughts about it. There are valuable lessons to be learned here. One for instance is how the relationship between you and your parents is going to affect the relationship you have with your daughter. Being a parent gives you kind of a secret window into the eyes of your own parents and the things that may have caused them to make the decisions they did, regardless of how “wrong” you may think they were/are. YOUR goal is to take everything you learned from them and further refine it for the BETTER of future generations. This is how evolution is supposed to work, not for the child to be a carbon copy of the parents unbalanced thinking. YOU ARE ENTIRELY CAPABLE OF BEING THE BEST thing that has ever happened to this child. Im sure you’ll get lots of advice from people telling you what to do here and what to do there;  I’m here to remind you how to THINK. I was a single dad for the first 2 years of my daughters life AND a US Marine, trust me there’s no road map for this one. Take your life by the balls babe!

                                                                                                                                                      

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Peter (116) (@Gismo) 7 years ago ago

Hi Malwow, I’m sorry to hear about your current situation, I felt like I was struggling because I only have a small amount of work and is living out of a room at my mate’s place in my old home town, and then I read something like this which really underlines what Kris is saying, thinking/perspective does mean alot.. 

I guess you should try to focus on the basic positives, as I understand you have a place to live? – I’m guessing there’s also some kind of welfare ensuring that you and your family get something to eat? I know it’s hard not to think about all the things you feel like you’re missing out on, but as said when those thoughts come in, try and divert your attention towards the “basic positives” and relax knowing that you and your family’s life is not in direct danger, I know it’s not much but there’s comfort to be found in that feeling :-)

I think you did a great thing leaving the drug-environment and seeking help to get back to basics, alone by doing that you are actually furfilling your own wish of providing a better environment for your daughter, so well done! – you can build from here, but it’s gonna take effort.. Do you have any interests that maybe you could use as a direction towards future employment, maybe there’s a contact person in your nearby “goverment institution” that can give you advice on some evening / online classes so you could educate yourself towards something of interest, I don’t really know what kind of help is available in the US, but if there is some I suggest you take what you can.. Improving skill, feeling of accomplishment, moving in a direction will help you feel happy.. 

On the last note, you write that if you went for adoption you and the daddy wouldn’t be together, well does he provide any help/relief/comfort for you as it is? otherwise, though it might seem hard, you could consider telling him to leave, but only if you feel it would improve your situation.. I wish you the best of luck :-)

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Malwow (3) (@Malwow) 7 years ago ago

My housing is very unsafe.. mold..no ac. Water running through the lights from the bathroom upstairs. I do get food stamps it’s my favorite thing. I love the babies father it’s just hard on him.he’s got past issues so I can’t exactly blame him but it does make things harder than they should be so thats in my sub conscious. As far as college or work. If I work I wouldn’t get food stamps Or my housing help. Also Id be paying more for a babysitter than  I would be making. and school I’ve been looking into. it’s expensive as well and I’d like to move before I got started

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Peter (116) (@Gismo) 7 years ago ago

That sure does sound like some rough surroundings and I can understand you want to move, but I’m not sure what your options are (do you have an official contactperson you can talk to about it or is the help very limited..) 
Good to hear about the food stamps, and yes I guess it would be easier if he didn’t have those problems, but you have to discard that picture of “should be” and just face “what is” and try to get the best out of it.. I can see it’s a kind of gridlock with the welfare and that being taken away if you work and then not earning enough due to low minimum wages, what a system…! 

It might sound rough, but to me it sounds like you have to seek out the help you can get with regards to moving and if that won’t do it, then you’ll have to start school where you are now (don’t know how with expenses, aren’t there any free courses provided?).. A second option is the one you’ve already written you don’t want to do, which is to go the adoption-route, split up with the baby’s daddy and then try restarting life on your own, which I have to be brutally honest and say sounds like the best option if you want change in the short term.. I can understand that it must be incredible hard, but maybe your daughter can end up having a really good childhood/life with another family as well (if they’re adopting they really want a baby and feel ready to provide), and that leaves you with only yourself to care for and having left drugs behind I would say that you have proven you have the strength to provide change for yourself.. I don’t know how old you are, but I’m sure you have a lot of time left in this world, this period of decision could be quite defining for what kind of experience you are gonna get out of life.. Maybe that’s not what you wanna hear, but sometimes the better option is the one taking the hardest toll.. ( All this is just my opinion, in the end you should always go with what your heart tells you! )

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barefootphilosophy (48) (@sgadalet) 7 years ago ago

Accept what is, as it sounds like you have already. There is no point in wasting valuable time and energy in wishing things were different. Once you have accepted the reality of your situation, envision the life you desire and begin working towards that goal. Just get started. I wrote a blog post about the importance of getting started. Check it out. I hope it helps. 

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Selva (0) (@selva) 6 years, 12 months ago ago

Sweetheart

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.   Please believe in miracles because they do happen.  Believe. I send you many blessings, wherever you are.

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