It was over ten years ago that the re-feeding process started. I had entered into a new world that day, knowing something was not quite right. I had no clue it was an eating disorder that was killing me. I was scared and afraid of my present and future life. I sat in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose, feeding me nutrients. At the time, I was confused and a lost soul trying to discover myself. The gaining process had begun to get me to a safe weight so that I could be mentally and cognitively present and accept treatment for an eating disorder.
One of the hardest things was trusting my providers and letting go of control. At the time, I thought everyone was out to get me fat. It never occurred to me that they were on my side until later in my treatment. I remember eating ALL the time and questioning every move. The days I refused to eat a meal, I was given supplements such as Boost. E.D. was in control of me and fighting back hard to not survive. There was a small part of me that was fighting against E.D. and wanting a different life.
It took me a very long time to get to a set weight .Part of my treatment was daily “weigh-ins” first thing in the morning. I would face-out from the scale and numbers. We never knew what we weighed during treatment at intensive places. Till this day, I still face-out for my weigh-ins at my PCP’s office. It is rather triggering to know my weight while I still fight to recover.
A momentous moment in my life was getting my menstrual cycle back. I was around the age of twenty-seven. It was so scary to know my body was becoming healthy, but also such a proud moment. I have reached a hurdle, a milestone on my road to recovery. The “gaining” process was almost complete and was starting to turn into the maintenance phase.
Now, I am at a healthy weight but still struggle with maintaining. I struggle everyday with eating three meals a day and trusting my body’s regulation. I am restarting to see a nutritionist for my best interest and to help me progress with recovery. My little voice has turned into a monstrous yell. E.D. is becoming my little voice currently.
“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”
— Wisdom of Confucius
Good luck to you! I would be the last person to give advice as I have never had an eating disorder (unless you look at the inhumane piles of food I can eat when drunk or high) but having really made a conscientious effort to eat well and eradicate everything bad from my diet recently, the one tip I would offer if it’s any use is this: When you are eating the right foods, there isn’t really such a thing as too much. Common sense obviously applies though, for example a banana every 2nd day is pretty good for you but with the amount of sugar in them you’d be crazy to eat multiple ones within the space of a day. Snacking isn’t the best for you either, but once again, if it is good for you then it’s not a bad thing. But enough rambling, the part that helps me eat healthy is what I wanted to pass onto you, and that is that every time I am eating something healthy and nutritious I picture it entering my body and my organs working better than before. The liver filtering through clean, pure water and cleaning up what any soft drink may be left behind, grass fed and hormone free beef digesting in my system, slowly breaking away at piece of gum I swallowed in middle school. And every day I don’t eat bread, pasta, soft drink, candy, fast food etc (which is every day now) I think how much my body is loving me for it. To picture it actually working like a machine, and these good foods providing it with the energy to function at its optimum peak makes eating a pleasure now.
I’m sure you have been through many, many tips and tricks, but I thought I’d just offer you my perspective on how you could possibly find food more palatable.
@antsjag, Thanks for sharing, stay strong. A tough struggle that many people face is to break away from conditioning that makes them over-dependant on affirmation from others. If you learn some type of discipline, eg a martial art or tai che, you can really build self-confidence and stop relying on others to make you feel you have worth.
Relying on others in this way is so dangerous yet so common these days, it is the culture we live in, so start to recognize that those things are constantly bombarding you, and when you identify them it gives you power to reject them as the bullshit they are.
People will inevidably let you down, not always and not always deliberately, but they do, and we all let ourselves down now and then also, but success is in doing your best and even if you fail at somethings, as you will now and then, you can remain confident that you had control enough to aim for the best.
Then you can affirm your own value yourself and you can have collaborative relationships rather than dependant ones.