I’ve been dating my gf for about 15 months and am feeling uncomfortable with something she continues to do, look through my phone. She doesn’t do this by asking or when I’m around (even though she knows my password and knows I know this). She essentially snoops, looks through it when I’m not around but my phone is. (different pages are left open, so I know someones been through my phone)
Anyway, I caught her doing this towards the start of our relationship and told her it made me feel very uncomfortable and that this showed a lack of trust and I asked her not to do it again. I’ve noticed her doing it every now and then but have ignored it because the rest of the relationship has been going great. But it has now started to bother me again and always seems to be on my mind.
Should I be concerned or am I over-reacting? How to do I breach the issue with her without causing a fight? I have nothing to hide so her looking through my phone doesn’t bother me however it is the way it’s done behind my back that does bother me! (for example, I was planning a surprise trip for us, which I’m pretty certain she now knows about)
I have asked her. She was cheated in one of her earlier relationships which I think has ingrained a belief that any man given the opportunity will cheat. So my thoughts is she’s not snooping because she’s suspicious but rather to keep tabs on me. Thats what makes it uncomfortable.
I feel I’m always being “watched”.
Doesn’t sound healthy, as you say it’s a trust issue and it’s good that you are aware of her previous experiences and the effect it might have had on her, but this behaviour hurts your relationship by the very fact that it’s affecting you.. Honestly I think you should try and sit her down and try to talk it out, make her understand what it’s doing to you and your relationsship, because basically she’s doing it to try and control your relationsship because she cares and wants to protect herself from being hurt again, but she has to learn that, that’s not the way to live life..
It would bother me as it’s an issue that I would feel she would need to address and resolve, the provocative part of me would change my password and see if she reacts.. if she then brings it up by asking why you have changed your password, you could say that it’s because you knew she was checking your phone without asking.. and maybe the deal could be struck that at any time she can ask if she feels unvalidated/has concerns/or are simply feeling insecure/likewise, and you will give her your phone and she can go through it.. as you say, it’s the fact that She’s actually betraying your trust by going behind your back and going through your phone, that is the issue for you.. but as said I would prefer the sit-down-and-talk-approach over any other form, so hopefully you can get her to agree what is causing this behaviour and why it needs to change.. it’s called personal development and it has a positive effect for all involved..
Thanks! I agree that the mere fact it is bothering me makes it an issue.
I feel like we have been together long enough and the feeling I have towards her would be silly to just through away over something like this. I hope it isn’t a sign of more “controlling” issues that will arise later on in our relationship, but will talk it out and see how it goes.
Thanks for the advise
She’s lying to you. That’s why you’re bothered. It’s a lie of omission. There is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to being lied to; particularly when you’ve already said you don’t like it. People who don’t trust others usually shouldn’t be trusted.
Personally, I’d dump her because she’s too stupid to look through your phone without leaving a trace.
Well here’s the thing… various agencies are already checking through your phone digitally.
These are people that you don’t love, don’t care about, who have done nothing for you.
So if they get to look through your phone why shouldn’t she?
Haha nah that girl isn’t worth it bro. Ditch her. And if the next one is as nosy, at least learn how to protect your phone like a responsible adult. Geez
I don’t think your partner should be disrespectful of your requests, but if you’re going to be in union with someone why wouldn’t it be okay for them to have access to all that? Everyone needs privacy but an intimate relationship works best intimately… Or else people get secretive.
Hi, first realize that this is a normal reaction. Perhaps caused by her own past experiences, insecurity, fear of losing you, or just giving in to mundane senseless paranoia. The best approach is always, always communication. Have a talk (not confronting in any way) Just ask very gently and understanding, why does she do this. And re-assure hr that she has nothing to worry about, build on that trust. Good luck!