So, I’ve been reading and writing on here for a little while now and figured I should properly introduce myself (to justify my existence or something of the sort). So, for those who care (and to the ever present trolls, whom I always bid welcome):
I’m me. At the time of this writing I’m 24, and hail from Finland. I’m supposed to say “hail from”, right? It sounds cool that way? Okay.
I’m what you might call a former psychonaut, or one on a break. The reason my mind is the way it is now, as well as the reason for why I’ve sort of wandered onto this site, is my previous use (and abuse) of psychedelics. I ate my first dose of mushrooms when I was eighteen and suffering from depression & anxiety, and the first few trips completely cured me of all of that. It was awesome, and I had a great two years of basically normal existence (albeit tripping every two weeks or so on massive doses, having very insightful, beautiful and partially even spiritual trips) before the eventual traumatic bad trips settled in and brought the previous mental problems back to the surface. Oh well, right. It was probably about time, since I had already started seeing creatures and having conversations with them on trips.
Eventually, after about 2-3 years of trying to cope with slowly diminishing ideas of reference (thinking the guy on television/friend in front of you is literally talking about you in a symbolic way even when the topic is something utterly different) and the resurfaced anxiety and depression, I quit smoking cigarettes. This was last summer. And let me tell you: wow.
For the last three or so months I’ve been really into self mastery/self improvement. I have a morning routine of around three hours that has everything from meditation to guitar practice in it. I’ve studied French and Swedish, and I routinely go to evening school to get a degree. I went from never being able to form a healthy routine of any sort to sticking with everything I started from the get-go. It was like a switch was flicked. I really recommend letting go of stuff that doesn’t serve you: it’s like you get a kick forward.
I have this weird history of life philosophies… I was raised a Christian, became a very aggressive atheist during my teens, dropped that in favor of a mixture of Buddhism and nihilism around the time when I started tripping, crashed into a fear-based semi-belief of being some sort of an avatar for Yahweh after the bad trips (bringing about the end of the world), slowly went to the New Agey spiritualism mumbo-jumbo whilst healing from the PTSD, and have (for) now comfortably settled to skepticism and a sort of schizotypal naturalism.
Wow, that description of my post bad trip-stuff was pretty psychotic. Let me explain:
During my first bad trip (the next four were imitations of the same trip – I tried taking lower and lower doses until completely giving up, and then trying LSD for the first time, resulting in the same bad trip) the creatures I had become familiar with seeing while high on mushrooms took the forms of demons and assured me that every evil that had ever been done was my fault, since I/all of us was the personification of Yahweh (the jealous god from the old testament), here to torture itself until one of us was strong enough to sacrifice himself to bring about the end of the world. That “chosen one”, of course, was to be me. The only difference with a psychotic break was that I did not believe these “claims”, I was just fairly afraid that they might have been true. I got the impression that if I was to ever meditate again, I would bring about the end of the world. Try living with that on your shoulders for a few years, eh. :D
These suggestions came in the form of audible sentences (I still hear voices in my head, or rather, have thoughts in my head that I can’t seem to be able to identify with: I know they’re just my own shattered psyche) and extremely vivid and intense experiences about being tens of thousands of black slaves in boats, oppressed women throughout history and so on. As in, I felt and experienced being other people in horrible situations. To top it off, I experienced crucifixion (or as I liked to call it, crucifiction) – all of this to the tune of “you made this happen, it’s your fault”.
On the trip I actually did (after a lot of resistance) “cave in” and start meditating (for all of our sake! :—D). That wasn’t enough and I didn’t achieve the ego death that would probably have made it all better. Instead the issue remained in my head and warped my personality completely. I lost my confidence, self-esteem and curiosity for the world in about three hours. I’m still very much reeling from that.
I apologize if I ever say anything on this forum that upsets any of you. You must understand (being conscious individuals) that it’s your choice to be insulted, but I would not want to catalyze that. I must stress, that I am not a completely sane person. I mean, I’m not violent or anything, and I most certainly am not into the sort of paranoid “the aliens/the government/the angels/the demons are going to get me/us!”-stuff, but it seems I can’t really have any one opinion and stick with it. Or I have multiple different opinions on the same subject. It’s weird. That’s why I might not always be as coherent as one might wish. Also, I sometimes see the world in very simplistic black and white, and overgeneralize quite a lot. And I can’t stop self-awareness. :D It sucks. I’m constantly looking at what I’m doing and saying from an outside point of view.
I make music and my dream is to form/found this sort of global musical community under the name Ilohuasca (a mixture of two words: “Ilo” meaning joy in finnish and “huasca” from the word “ayahuasca”, which I’m sure you’re all familiar with). So far I’ve had some luck with it: I’ve written two albums that “feature” multiple different people from all around the world on it, and we’re all just nameless and under the same title of Ilohuasca. My mixing/mastering is really quite bad to date though, and that’s kind of slowing everything down. Also, I’m not really sure about how to grow the community and how to organize it. I suppose solutions will emerge at some point.
Wow, this is a really depressing tl;dr-post. :DDDD this has to be one of the most honest posts I’ve ever written. I’m not really that depressed anymore, today’s mood may be because of withdrawal from sugar (I’m trying to quit all my addictions, and the last and current one is candy) – I’m pretty outgoing when I’m not bummed by existentialism. I work out daily and all that, to keep my mind and body well. I love humor and people in general: even ones I don’t agree with. Or I really try my best, at least. But then, I suppose we all do.
Whether or not you read this or not, as long as you’re part of this apparently amazing community I suddenly find myself entrenched in, I look forward to meeting you and maybe even becoming friends. I lovelovelove this site. It makes my brain tingle. <3
@qualohuasca, Whoa. I could not help but see a bit of symbolism in the demons that were telling you all of the personifications of Yahweh had to torture themselves until one of them sacrificed themselves to bring about the end of the world. Suffering is inevitable until one sacrifices their ego/identity and as a result the man created world of egos? I don’t know, maybe I’m reaching here.
It also seems to me that you could have been hallucinating all of those vivid scenes of pain from various humans, but also possible that you were accessing the collective human psyche or memory of pain. Do you believe that sort of thing is possible?
Anyway it sounds like you’ve had quite a life so far. I commend you for quitting cigarettes and facing your other addictions as well, and I think the name of your musical project is both clever and awesome.
@tangledupinplaid21, yes, something like that. Obviously “in the moment” it was quite a bit more metaphysical. Psychedelics increase neuroplasticity and make you reaaally suggestive, so on higher doses you kind of believe whatever you’re told. This was like someone reading me the bible and me taking it all literally as fact/possibility (since I still had shreds of my ego left, I didn’t completely accept it as fact.).
But yes, in the end it boiled down to the age old existential/solipsist question: how do you know the world won’t end when you die? How do you know history is real?
And I’m not sure if it’s really possible, although *shudder* everything may be. I’d side with knowing these were hallucinations any day, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. I haven’t made one racist remark or “back to the kitchen”-joke after that.
I guess I got the short straw when it comes to tripping, although that may be eventual with the velocity I was ingesting them. :D if that sentence makes sense grammatically. I wasn’t really even aware that I was “abusing” them, I always had the utmost respect and reverence for mushrooms and psychedelics in general, and wasn’t trying to use them recreationally, but as a tool for growth… I have tripped a few times after that and it’s actually been fine, although one gram will make me experience stuff worth of around four grams now.
Thanks for the replies, @everyone. And @josephm, for whatever reason I can’t see the embed :T Be careful with the mindmushers. x)
@qualohuasca, Well perhaps those hallucinations served their purpose then… to make you more compassionate towards the very real pain of others. Of course those lessons suck while you’re learning them though. I think you’re right that it doesn’t really matter, the end result is the same.
‘although that may have been eventual’ would have been the grammatically correct way. :) Thank you for sharing your story.
@tangledupinplaid21, it all being worth it in the end is something I’ve pondered myself. It did make me kinder, but seemingly at the expense of my previously overflowing confidence and joie de vivre… not to mention curiosita. When you get something, you need to make room for it by letting something go, I guess.
Thank you for your replies. :)
I seriously don’t remember reading so much bullshit in my entire life. This was so much.
I’m not sure how you’ll perceive this, but you should be really thankful for everyone that read all that sappy crap.
@francis-york-morgan, heh, you’re not the only one who thinks my life story is quite sappy and full of bullshit. :D take myself, for example. Alas, I can hardly help it – it is what it is.
Also, I am thankful: I really am. To you as well. I also apologize for wasting your time – even though that was not really My decision.
@josephm, awesome stuff! Also, great to hear that I’m not the only one with this idea concerning electronic music. “Musical community” is a fairly old concept in any case. I think this sort of framework is a lot more beneficial to a lot more people. I’ll be following you.
wow, sounds sort of creepy when taken out of context…
I have to say that was pretty interesting. I also really like how you did not blow up and let that negative comment bother you.
@tine, mutual. :)
@athousand, glad to hear. As mentioned, I still have “voices” in my head… it basically means I’ve been hearing someone tell me to kill myself for the last three years or so, daily. :D I really don’t mind negative feedback anymore. Nor do I mind the voices, although they’re still far from gone.
Also, “hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” and all that jazz. To each their own.