I am broken right now. It seems like everything in my life is falling apart. I have worked my ass off for 4 long high school years and am taking 6 AP courses at a prestigious private college preparatory. All of my friends (who, might I add, have slacked off in school and are in all regular classes) are posting college acceptance letters on instagram and twitter, but I haven’t go a single acceptance. On the contrary I have 2 denials to the only two schools that I actually liked. They were my last dream/goal. Now I have no purpose and there isn’t anything that I want anymore that I would work hard enough to get. At this point, I don’t even want to go to college, but I can’t come up with a thing to do instead of college that would lead me to a good life.
Another problem is the people around me, or more to the point, my attitude towards them. I am realizing that everyone around me is superficial and selfish, and they make fun of each other behind their backs. The worst part is, I have realized that I have become just like them too. So now I am subconsciously distancing myself from them. It isn’t too much of a loss since they don’t care anyway, but now I am alone with nobody to talk to.
That leads me to another point. I don’t talk to anyone or trust anyone with my problems, not even myself. I push everything down and convince myself that I am all happy until one thing pushes me over the edge and everything comes flooding back and I break down.
The thing which set me over my breaking point this time was a boy. He’s the guy I have kind of liked since freshman year. He is soooo attractive and really smart and athletic and nice. So while I was dating other guys, he was always just there. Last year I had 2 classes with him and we started talking and flirting in class. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so it was all just innocent fun. But this year when neither of us were dating anyone he started liking liking me for real. And he would text me everyday, until late at night when he would end with a “goodnight gorgeous” or “sleep tight beautiful” or “im the luckiest guy in the world, you make me so happy.” We talked all Christmas break and I have never been happier or felt more in control of my life. Then last week, he slowed down on the texting, only once a week and now it’s gone. I don’t ever give my whole heart to someone because I am so afraid of heartbreak. I have never cried after a breakup. But he stole my whole heart and I trusted him like I have never trusted anyone before. He was the honest nice kind of guy I never expected to break my heart, but he did. He never even gave me a real breakup, he just faded away so he wouldn’t have to deal with me. But I still see him everyday, and every song I hear reminds me of when I was so happy and he was saying all those nice things to me. And I don’t even know where I went wrong and ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Anyway, if you actually read this all the way through to the end, you are amazing! I am just so lost right now. I have no goals or dreams to focus on, no big accomplishments to look forward to, nothing to distract me from all of my failures, heartbreak, and loneliness. If anyone has any advice or any thoughts, please I would love to hear from someone. Thank you
Heartbreak is a terrible feeling that is not easily consoled, helping someone through it is nearly impossible. Because, you’ve likely heard it all before, the cliches do nothing in the way of progress and often leave you questioning the sanity or intellect of the person espousing them. But, try not to focus on what you like so much as what is best for you, put your needs above all else. Try not to think of the two schools you didn’t get into, but the thousands of schools you aren’t even aware of! The world is a big place, look hard and you will find what you need the perfect place for you exists, but it’s not at those two schools or with that boy or with your superficial friends. It’s with you, it’s in you. Don’t sabotage your future over emotion and insensitivity! In the words of the late Michael Jackson, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change. :)
Everything seems to happen for a reason and I was kind of the same way in highschool senior year I got denied to the 2 colleges I actually wanted to go to then the next college was to expensive….only to find out this year it would have been the same price.(kinda sucks) But I have been having a blast at the college I am at now. Met A TON of different people and it was awesome.The bad times always have a way of passing or having something good come from them. Just like you in senior year I had that huge crush that girl that I would always goof around with and have the best time. Like you I have went from being friends, to best friends, to in love, to nothing. Honestly there is nothing that sucks more that losing someone like that, but its something we all learn to deal with. Its just life. Come to find out a couple months later that my “best-friend” banged this girl drunk at a party…. But the first mistake would be having that menatlity that “if he loves you he’ll come back”…. it will hold you back from doing alot of new things. Just focus on having that huge change in your life and make something good of it. Change your friends too it will always be for the better. You really are who you surround yourself with…
If given a choice as to the type of person you would like to become, which “version” of Hailey are you most comfortable with? Go to a mirror and pretend that the person you see is your future self. Ask her “What is it about you that makes me so happy that I chose you over all other possible future selves. Why do I love being you? What is it about you that lights up the room when you walk in? Why does everybody you meet want to become your friend? Why do they like you so much? What is it about you that they respect and admire? How do you/she relate to those who are less fortunate, or not as well educated, the sick, the elderly? Ask her if she cares about all people or just those in her own social circle. Ask as many question as it take to discover who you really want to be as a person.
The object of this exercise is to determine now how you would like to be perceived by others and still feel comfortable with yourself. Once you have a clear idea as to what that ideal version of yourself would be, and decide “This is the kind of person I want to be”. “Becoming this person is my primary “Purpose”
Having this as your primary purpose in spite of what your parents, friends, or classmates think, Places you and future you in full control of YOUR life. All subsequent decisions you will make, choosing schools, careers, “boyfriends”, etc. will be made relative to one primary goal, which is becoming You. Make that future self your best friend, your ally, and constant companion In essence, you get to free yourself from all the limitations that “present “ Hailey has created, assuming that her ideal future self isn’t the same as the present self. The “superficial and selfish” one, like all the “friends she now would rather avoid.
So what were some of the options for your future self. Will she be:
Selfish, superficial, limit her experiences in life to the Ivy League circles. When circumstances arise does she do what is right even if it means defying her social set. Will she aid or ignore someone in need because her friends will find it to be distasteful. Will she be a kind person and how far will that kindness extend and to whom. Will she be a compassionate person? A judgmental person, a fair person, is she impatient with those less able, will she be insulting, patronizing, or loving, forgiving, will she be inspiration, encouraging, critical, degrading, will people try to avoid her or seek her out, will she be spoken of as having a heart, mean, angry, a source of despair, will she be hated or loved, stand for the dignity of all or just a few. Will she befriend only the upper class cool crowd, how bout the nerds, the geeks. Does she value people based on their wealth, good looks, fashion, and status.
I think I’ve said enough, probably too much, hopefully you have a sense of humor to keep your intellect in check. Let me conclude with a brief review of the coincident factors that can be considered in the circumstances you described.
The colleges > you’re so attracted to> denied acceptance>how could they do this to me>nothing else is acceptable >forget college> I’ll have no life
And coincidentally: (and yes, I could be stretching things a bit)
The Boy>He’s so attractive> he rejected me>how could he do this to me> I’ll never find an acceptable replacement> forget men > I’ll never find love
He was just as selfish and superficial as the friends that you want to avoid. Did you consider the possibility that all those wonderful texts he sent you may have just been carbon copies?
Try doing as I suggested, find your ideal self, make becoming her your purpose, then take charge of your life, and eliminate the self imposed limitations, (The two school rule, the one boy or none boy and any others you can think of. Realize that the denials were nothing more than a message telling you that who you want to be, what you want to be, and the guy your looking for isn’t at either of those places and if you quit now you’ll miss out on all three. (one possible explanation) Someone is looking out for you. Possibly a close relative that passed away, as is often the case. Sorry ,didn’t mean to go all metaphysical on you , that’s just me. PM me if I can be of further assistance. I’d love to hear how this story turns out. Good luck!
Wow…teenage angst overload!
I cant really offer any ADVICE per say–just the reassurance that in another 2 fleeting years, you’re going to look back on this time and near-die laughing…then feel slightly embarrassed at yourself.
First of all, sorry for my bad english.
I have been there, friends talking behind each other backs… well I think you put all your trust in one person because there was nobody else, and when he left it was not only a breakup. In my country you can only enter to the only college I like once a year, so I failed at my first try and stay in my home for a whole year and since I had like 3 friends, I felt really lonely. The truth (as I see it) is that we a social animal, we need the support of others to accomplish anything. I totally get how you feel and honestly if you would like to (and don’t think it is weird) I offer you an ear because I think it’s brave to take a look at yourself and publish what you see. If you are not interested in doing so, I can guarantee it will get better, I have met in the last couple of months awesome people and in 2 years I will travel to Germany because of a student exchange :D it will get better… just keep on trying, life is a bitch and you can’t stay down, you have to stand up and fight.
Your self esteem is low! Stop being so hard on yourself. You seem smart. You do well in school and you are driven enough to apply to good schools. That’s awesome! But you can’t let what others think of you determine your self-worth. I’m betting you applied to good schools. It’s always good to really aim high with your goals, even if you don’t meet them so good for you. I would suggest applying to more schools. The whole “picking the right school” thing is overrated. A lot of schools are the same. Your school is what you make it: you can hit the books every night if that is what you want, or you can find parties every night if that is what you want. You HAVE to pick yourself up when these bad things happen because no one else is going to do it for you.
I am similar to you. I am kind of a perfectionist and strive to do my best at everything. I feel like I know what you’re going through, it’s just that currently I am not dug into a rut like you so I can speak to you from a voice of reason. ;) Sad, depressing thoughts perpetuate themselves. You have to stop them. There is nothing wrong with you. Maybe the guy was not ready for commitment, maybe he’s going through personal stuff. Maybe he realized you two aren’t right for each other. And if you’re not right for each other, you shouldn’t be with him anyway! Trust me, a relationship where both parties are fully invested is better than someone not liking you back. And maybe the universe is telling you that those colleges weren’t good for you. When doors close, others open. Learn from your heartbreaks and mistakes .They can tear you down if you let them. Or they can build you up if you take them constructively. The choice is yours!