Help?

Ellie (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago

Oh and I am not saying that you need to have a label to slap onto your situation, per se, but you can’t create the boundaries that you need to grow as individuals unless you mutually decide what those boundaries are. And when you establish those boundaries, you will need nerves of steel to execute them, so make sure they’re what you really want.

December 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

This is kinda a lengthy story but I want some outside opinions of my situation. My (now ex) boyfriend and I had been together for a year when we started taking our relationship in a new direction that ended up going too far and compromising the trust. We had been kinda growing apart slowly up until that point but it was basically the breaking point, which we tried to bounce back from to no avail. We ended up talking and he said he hasn’t been able to be his full self with me in a while and traced it back to a comment I made a while ago that sparked it. The actual circumstance that started the end of us was a catalyst rather than the reason we split up. It brought to the surface a bunch of stuff that was already there.
Basically he’s doing his finals on top of projects for work and stress in his relationship was more than he could handle, so he broke it off. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore and wants to find out, in his own words. Strangely enough since we broke up a few days ago we have been better friends than we have in a few months… being with each other no longer feels obligatory so we’re completely open and it’s amazing, but naturally this leads to feelings of more than friendship.
We’ve agreed that we could see ourselves getting back together but would want to make a fully informed decision, which would mean more time apart and going on dates with other people. I have a “date” tonight and though the guy seems nice(though 2 years younger than me), it feels pointless because I already know who I want and I even feel kinda bad for the guy I’m going on a date with. I have considered re-scheduling or cancelling but still going out to give the impression I still went out with someone. It just sounds uncomfortable because I’m not looking for anything but a friend to hang out with.
My ex and I both intuitively know that things wouldn’t work between us if we rushed back into them right now, but we have both also said that we already know who we want. Another thing is we still live together but in separate rooms now, and though we have both agreed that we should sleep apart, it hasn’t really happened yet. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Forget dating. You’re on your own now, and that’s a good thing. You don’t need others to be happy, learn to enjoy yourself and be complete instead of using people to fill the holes (no pun intended.)

Forget dating, no good comes of that, especially if you’re already in love with this guy. If you’re so desperate for someone’s attention, go find someone fun and cool instead of a rebound wuss that you’ll only feel bad for. Have fun with someone cool instead of arranging another relationship with a lame dude. Seriously, you’re on your own, appreciate that and go with it instead of launching yourself into another dependence right away. Go to a club or something, hang out more with your friends and so on.

Be free and happy, don’t be addicted to a person.

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Alex (551) (@hollowinfinity) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

The solution to any thing in life is to just do what feels right.
Plain and simple.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

I laughed aloud at the fill the holes thing. I’m not arranging another relationship by any means, just kinda doing this cause I’ve never done it before and it’s a way to meet people. I will probably be upfront about the fact that I’m not looking for anything right now… He’s from Tennessee anyway, just in town for work and staying at the hotel I work at.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

rebound wuss, gah, crack up

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Ellie, your relationship reminds me a lot of mine. I’m in agreement with Manimal’s stance on dating but shit, too late for me. Coming up on our third year.. she’s just too good to me.
I take it you both want to be separate but can’t break the bond because it is too dear. Just do it if that’s what you want, no rebound wuss either, just Ellie for a while. If you can’t do it, take a long hard look at this guy you’re with. A really long hard look.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

We want to be separate for the sake of developing identities independent of each other. We got a bit too intertwined there for a little while. I don’t want to be separate at all but I know it’s the best thing and that if we’re ever gonna have a chance we need this time apart. It sucks cause now that the label and obligation is gone I appreciate him more than ever, and he’s so damn sexy.

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Brent (0) (@bhale) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

You might as well go on the date. It could be fun, and in any case it will provide you with some perspective on your relationship with your ex.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

My girlfriend and I went through that phase just a couple months ago. It only lasted three days. If only there was a way to keep that label and obligation out of the picture instead of pretending you own each other.
It isn’t fair to compare the new guy’s attitude toward you who’s trying as hard as he can to convince you how cool he is to that of your man who has gotten real with you.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Brent, yeah I am going to just for fun.
Dan, I definitely don’t compare people at all. If I did try to make comparisons, any guy would lose at this point, so I’m just trying to accept people at face value.
There has to be a way to keep the label and obligation gone or at least the feeling that it brings… How’d you and your girlfriend work through that?

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

We didn’t completely, egos always like to take over a situation it seems. Although, we view each other as more of playmates than a couple now, which helps a lot. We also spend more of our free time doing our own things. But idk, I, like your man, don’t have much spare energy for my relationship. I haven’t been following it that hard. I’ve just been letting it be.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

That’s probably the best way to get the most out of relationships, and a lot of other things. When you start having solid ideas of a person and what they are to you, the connection(which is why you spend time together in the first place) gets lost under a mess of expectations and disappointment and other pointless things. How is the playmate approach coming along?

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R.V. Star (151) (@rickvonstar) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

When you love, just love.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Keenan, I wish it were that simple and it almost is… except for the fact that I cannot express that love fully.

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Rachel (0) (@fakeplastictrees) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

There is so much I want to say! I have been in a similar situation in the past with my current partner. We were working through some personal growth issues and neither of us had enough in us mentally or emotionally to treat each other the way we wanted to be treated. There was an amicable split though we were still very much in love. Our relationship was downgraded to “good friend” status for over two years before we felt prepared to give it another go, but the time apart figuring ourselves out made it possible to have a healthy relationship which we still enjoy today, rather than the immature and volatile relationship we started with.

Ellie, you are still living together; is this the plan indefinitely? You say you are going out on a date tonight: is your ex seeing other people as well?
I guess what I’m asking is, are you wanting to move on from this situation and separate yourselves more fully, or is this a temporary “break” so to speak. Apologies if you have mentioned this in other threads, I just joined the forums and don’t know if there’s more background here.

I guess what I want to know, or what you need to make sure that *you* know, is what do you see happening with this in the short term as well as the long term? You say you would like to reconcile but that the people you two are right now couldn’t do so in a healthy fashion. do you want to scale back to platonic friendship? roommates? fuck buddies? strangers? pen pals? etc? decide what you want this to be and then make the arrangements to do it. If living with your ex is making it hard not to feel possessive or making it impossible to go through with the split, you may need to work out some alternate living arrangements at least for a little while.

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Oh shit! Move out.

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BirdFlyingHigh (152) (@birdflyinghigh) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

It sounds like you already can tell you’re not going to enjoy your date with this guy… I wouldn’t go if I were you.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Yes he’s planning to see other people too. The idea is that if we reconcile things it will be with as much knowledge as possible rather than out of force of habit. As of right now he’s living in the apartment indefinitely… though we no longer share a room. We’ve made agreements not to bring anyone else we might be seeing over to the place. He might move out in a while depending on where things go. At this rate we are very civil around each other and the living situation is not hostile at all so we may stay roommates.
It didn’t start out as a break but now it’s looking more like one. I don’t feel possessive over him for the first time in a while because he has no obligation to be loyal romantically to me. In a backwards way it is very healthy for the connection we have, whatever it ends up being. We have decided to go with the friend approach and have even been discussing other people we might have interest in, with each other. I never imagined it would’ve been possible or even bearable for me but it shows me a lot how deep my love for him runs. I want him to be happy whether that includes me or not. The hardest part at this point is not wanting to still act like a couple, because I am still so attracted.

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R.V. Star (151) (@rickvonstar) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

You’re going to have to rape him and establish your dominance. That’s the only solution to this I can see

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R.V. Star (151) (@rickvonstar) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Just kidding. Or am I?

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Keenan, I’ve done that at least 4 times.

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Rachel (0) (@fakeplastictrees) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

This plan that you have set out all sounds very logical. I would only caution that the arrangement you have set up is very new, whereas the relationship as it existed before had been the norm for a year. Your brain is currently wired to relate to him in a particular way, it will default to that easy familiar way if you are not actively mindful. You do not currently feel jealous of his lovers, but maybe in the future you will. There are unknown minefields ahead; you cannot predict them or prevent them, only be kind to yourself and always ask yourself in each moment “is this good for me?” and if the answer is yes, only afterwards ask “is it good for him?”. Give yourself permission to make small mistakes and misteps, and take advantage of any available friend’s couch if you need to get out and clear your head for a little while. I actually think that if there is a way either you or he (or maybe both) can get out of there for a few days to hit the reset button it would be beneficial. To jump from one situation to a very different situation without any ceremony or change of the external situation, it’s not going to *feel* different to either of you.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Rachel, that was a very insightful comment… I appreciate it. Particularly the part about how my brain is wired a certain way to relate to him. Thinking of it that way will definitely help.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

This post is gonna be very harsh, so if you don’t wanna read that kind of shit just ignore this post.

Just let it go, fully. Fuck it, move on. There’s really no such thing as falling in love, it’s just a crazy, messed up game people play. Why? Because they were conditioned to. What really happens is basically, you get this feeling of attraction that is unfamiliar (if it’s the first time) and that’s it. Everything else is a script that was handed to you by people. From an early age, you were told about this stuff and how it’s supposed to be and so on.

It’s all made up. These people are pulling your strings. They’re all “We’ll define that feeling for you, give it a name and give you the rules for how you have to feel and behave. We’re gonna call it ‘falling in love’ and when that happes to you, you’re gonna get attached to this person and want to spend your time together.” Then they repeat that shit, over and over and over. In movies of all genres, in every pop song, every tv show, almost every book, you are bombarded with this propaganda. And since it’s reached the point where it’s the norm, the world around you will be fooling you as well, everywhere you see couples.

This shit isn’t natural. There are no set definitions for this “falling in love” shit, it’s just a feeling and you decide everything else. Why are they doing this? Because they can make FUCKLOADS of money off of it, and have been doing so for centuries. And not only money, they get more control over people. This whole concept of falling in love is a fucking scheme to exploit people. People will be walking around feeling lonely because they don’t have a partner, people who feel bad are super easy to manipulate. And they can make money off of this person by selling them things they think will make them more attractive, or selling info on how to date, or supplying them with a dating service, or even prostitution and so on. It’s all a fucking scheme. People walk around saying it’s so beautiful and lovely and so on, but all I see is a disgusting fucking abuse of human nature.

There is no such thing as falling in love, except in the thoughts of people. There are no obligations, no rules, no titles, no nothing. You can set your own definitions and rules, ones that aren’t complicated and full of drama and bullshit, ones that serve you instead of drain you. And have a lot of fun and enjoy love and freedom like you were born to do. Instead of playing this fucked up game.

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Anonymous (0) (@) 10 years, 5 months ago ago

Manimal: what it sounds like from that post it that you don’t think we need human/physical interaction to be happy. Am I understanding correctly? I would love to meet someone who could be truly happy without others. Believe me I’ve tried, and it’s a great escape every now and then, to truly have no human contact, but it’s not a way of life, and everyone that I can think of that has tried to regrets it.
What I ask most people regarding this, is have you ever, in your life, gone 24 hours without seeing another human being? I’ve gone close to a week when I was up in the Sierras. No human contact whatsoever, not even a trace of human life as I was going cross country for a month. At the end of even a week I was ready to see people again. I think it’s part of basic human nature to need it (maslow’s hierarchy of needs)

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