Help, help! I'm stuck on a perpetual guilt trip! This vacation destination sucks

Des (@descarron) 8 years, 9 months ago

So, long story short: I’m not perfect. I dated someone for about a year, we had a fiery breakup, but then we decided to try and be good friends. Well, I had begun seeing another guy that I really like, and he knew I was speaking with my ex and warned me, but didn’t mind it much. But my ex didn’t know I was seeing this new guy. My ex saw me out with this new guy, and simply said “Hah, caught you. Goodbye.” I didn’t actually do anything wrong. I never lied, I omitted information though.

Now I feel intensely bad for hurting my ex. By talking to him after a breakup I prolonged his time being upset, even more so that he saw me with someone else. I hate feeling so guilty when I want to be happy and focus on my life.

My question: how do I move on and focus on my own happiness? Is it possible to deserve happiness and be happy when I feel like I’ve taken someone else’s happiness away? How do I ignore or reconcile the fact that my actions have directly resulted in someone else being unhappy?

February 27, 2013 at 8:40 am
Equel (11) (@equel) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@descarron,
right him a letter about your guilt

get everything down on paper.

then mail it to him if you want to be good friends still-
or set it on fire if your burning a bridge.

the mind works best when you attach imagery

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Des (31) (@descarron) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Thank you, I’m gonna try that. I’ll be burning it though–we were bad for one another, even as friends.

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E.C.F. Doyle (346) (@chekovchameleon) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@descarron, Clear the air with your ex then get on with your life. There is no point in feeling guilty. We can only see the negative effects of our choices then adjust our behavior accordingly, and make amends where applicable. Feeling guilty is like feeling sorry for yourself. It is a useless endeavour which can have no positive ends.

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Taylor Little (71) (@tlrlittle) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@descarron, I’m in a similar situation, opposite end though. I can tell you as a guy, it sucks to be in this position. But you shouldn’t feel guilty at all, we’re men, we can move on, we just need to be absolutely certain before we do (we don’t take hints) and forcing yourself to be friends only because you feel bad probably lead him on. I’m sure he’d be happier that you go on living your life happy rather than forcing an awkward relationship out of guilt. Move on, don’t worry about it so much.

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Des (31) (@descarron) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@tlrlittle, THANK YOU SO MUCH. So good to hear that from someone on the opposite end of the spectrum. You’re totally right.

I hope everything goes okay with you, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this…but I really appreciate your help.

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Taylor Little (71) (@tlrlittle) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@descarron, No problem, glad I could help.

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@descarron, looks like tlrlittle already helped you some, but if it helps I was in the exact same situation at one point. Except that we had dated for three years, and he was more passive-aggressive and didn’t say “goodbye”.

I’m gonna give you a scenario of how it turned out for us. If you want to skip it, that’s cool and just go straight to the end.

What resulted was a couple years of awkward friendship, and him lying about even liking me as a person throughout the whole time. We lived really close to each other and he would just walk over and hang out cause he was bored and had nothing else to do.
he would sell weed to me and my best friends and turns out he had been ripping us off the whole time to make extra money. I don’t mind him turning for profit, but he would lie and say something was really good kush and charge extra and shit. Eventually we just died out because we caught on.

And then he started hitting up my best friend to hang out like a year later, and of course that included me by default b/c I still didn’t know he didn’t like me. Eventually I found out, there was a crossroads, he chose to block me from facebook for absolutely no reason and talked mad shit for no reason either. This is like two years after no perceived problems, he would come to me to hang out, etc. I was hurt and confused.
I called him one day and tried to talk to him about it. He totally brushed off everything I said, though, and was like “we’re cool, we’re cool”. We never hung out or anything and I didn’t hear from him. He never unblocked me. He called me for whatever fucking reason (I still don’t understand to this day. I think he gets bored and scrolls through his phone) nd we talked for like an hour just shooting the shit. I brought up how he didn’t unblock me from facebook, and he acted like he was surprised but didn’t sound surprised at all.

That was a year ago now, haven’t heard from him since, decided to give up on him completely as a person and I’m still blocked on facebook. I’m still hurt and confused and not sure how to drop it completely.

Long story short, even if you’re hurt now by him, you would have been in the future probably even if it went differently. you feel guilty so you don’t want to label yourself as a victim, you feel it isn’t your place. Right? But it isn’t wrong to say he hurt you. He did. You’re allowed to feel hurt from your break up too. Break ups aren’t one-sided, both people never like the break up and if they cared about each other, they both hurt. It’s only fair.

What you need to acknowledge is that he was making an illusion for himself. Guys can’t take hints by large, they will rationalize your unclear intentions into something other than what you meant. You have to be up front. That was where you messed up, but don’t feel bad about that either. You had good intentions, you just did the wrong thing.

him saying, “Caught you” is only evidence to his illusion. That’s something you say to your girlfriend who’s been cheating on you. That’s what you say to someone who you’re romantically involved with but have a fragile foundation. That is not something you say to your ex-girlfriend who is *only* your ex-girlfriend and not someone who you might possibly work things out with again.
I have an ex-girlfriend who I have a fantastic friendship with. We had a very tumultuous relationship and a heartbreaking break up. We decided it was too hard to not be in each other’s lives and decided to stay friends. She goes to college out of state and I almost never see her (like once every year at most) and we barely talk, but I feel a river of love for her still as a person. We say “I love you” to each other and mean it. But we mean it strictly as friends. She is madly in love with her girlfriend, and I have a very serious relationship with my bf of two years that I live with.

He was setting you up to fail. But he left, maybe not for the right reasons because he perceived you as “cheating” on him somehow, but he needed to leave. you know? He still cared about you, he couldn’t handle you being with someone else, and he left. That would only hold you down.

It’s not your fault sweetheart. You need to let him get over you still. Let him have space, maybe you will be friends again for real some day. I’m sure you have mutual friends, it isn’t impossible you’ll run into him in the future.

Meanwhile, don’t let it bog you down. Love your love. And especially since you’re not chillin with your ex anymore, there’s nothing holding you back. This is a fantastic opportunity.

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