Hi everyone, this is my first post on HE, though I’ve followed and admired the posts for quite a while. I’m often caught up in existencial ideas, but I have a completely different situation at my hands.
Now, my problem is quite simple: I’m currently dating a girl I’ve never really spent any time with before, even though she’s in my class (last year high school). She’s quite introverted, but she’s starting to loosen up around me. Point is I rarely feel joyful when I think of her, and I don’t know why!?
I have never really dated before, and though I am not completely inexperienced with women, I am a virgin yet, which makes intimacy a bit frightening, and makes me have “high” standards for the first time. Cause I dream of an awesome sex-life, but want the first time to, mean something, or just don’t be whilst crawling drunk.
I really want to fall in love with this girl, since I do feel a bit lonely sometimes, and dream of genuine, two-sided love, but when I am with her, I feel as if it’s a chore or something, and end up being happy when the date is over…
Am I afraid? Yes. But when that is overcome, will I have a shot at my fantasy love-venture?
Sorry for the long post, but I really hope someone will take their time to help me out a bit.
@victorn I agree with @flyingshroom . You’ll find that the first time actually “meaning something” is something out of the movies or tales, but instead it’s a retrospectively awkward and funny story you’ll one day tell your friends and future partners. That said, don’t be nervous about the first time. Be honest and confident, if you can. If she makes it weird, she’s not worth it. My best advice is to be yourself around this girl if you really like her, tell her your feelings (eventually) … and don’t worry about falling in love until you’re a bit older.
@victorn, Sex is awkward and clumsy at first(at least for me and from what I’ve heard, others it was), so I would try not to have too many high and romantic expectations for it.
If it’s a chore to be with her I consider it obvious that there’s not really a point. I would not want to go on dates with someone if they felt like chores. Quite frankly that sounds terrible.
@victorn, I agree with Ellie, remember, the first time you two do it, you will have no Idea how to do it lol, it will be like your used to two stepping but your at a rave….
Just remember to get to know her well, and learn to love her for things that she is and does. I’m not saying FALL in love, but learn to love and you will accept each other indifferently. My first girlfriend was when I was 14, I didn’t know how to do it, neither did she, but we still did it haha and it was fun for a while until the relationship was completely sexual and I became depressed for lack of a close friend. So remember, friends are better than sexual partners, it’s much more healthy to love someone than to just have sex with them.
Any relationship that seems like a chore is unhealthy. Find ways to have fun with each other, cook, watch movies, meditate, get blazed/drunk lol, just anything to keep a fun conversation going.
Hehe, you’re right. I’ll keep the low-expectations in mind the first time.
The “have fun together” part really would explain what I miss, cause I’ve got a friend (girl) who really knows how to lift the mood, and she’s also into alcohol and weed, and she often ends up being the one I think about.
I should really make that my goal – to have fun – without taking it so serious. Thanks a lot, guys, it really helps.
“Point is I rarely feel joyful when I think of her, and I don’t know why!?”
– No one on here will be able to tell you why, you shouldn’t try and force it though be patient take your time and wait for the one that does make you feel how you want to feel.
“I really want to fall in love with this girl, since I do feel a bit lonely sometimes, and dream of genuine, two-sided love, but when I am with her, I feel as if it’s a chore or something, and end up being happy when the date is over…”
– This bugs me a bit. Why do you want to fall in “love” with this girl if it feels like a chore? If you feel lonely she isn’t going to fix that.
@hambonemonroe you’re probably right. I might have exxagerated a bit when I called it a chore, but what I mean is that it’s very uptight and difficult to enjoy because of the nerves – she gets nervous because she’s a little less social than most people, and then that makes me a bit stiff and nervous, since she IS a sweet girl whom impression of me matters to me. I’m sorry for the bad explanation, I have just been confused with what I am feeling.
We haven’t dated for long, but I intend on keep doing it a bit longer, because I hope that something good will come out of it when the nerves have chilled some.
Like the others say, I should relax about it, and I’m starting to think my problem is that I’m frightened by the thought of getting closely bonded, if not by feelings, maybe just by intimacy.
It’s just really difficult, though that makes me mentally weak on a point, I’ll just try to overcome my social fear, so that I can do and feel what I genuinely do.
I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have, until I had it. “shit just got real” flies through my mind, as everything is a lot more complicated in real life than in fantasy.
I remember how I used to want this girl, but saw it as next to impossible, then the feelings died away (#teenager), and all of a sudden she became availible.
Again, I appreciate the attention and good words.
@victorn, Well duh you havent spent any time with her BEFORE, that’s why you date!
My brotha, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but if you’re about to begin your sex life now, it’s probably going to be awkward for a long time.
And regarding your “high standards:” If you plan on having the “awesome sex life” you say you do, those standards will gradually come down. No guy wants to admit it, but it’s most assuredly true.
And despite your convictions now, you will experience a drunk hookup. Yes you will. If you drink, youll get drunk. If you get drunk, you will drunk-hookup. But hey, guess what? It’s really not as bad as people like to joke it is. (If you don’t drink, thats cool…but your sex life MAY not turn out to be as awesome as you hope it will.)
Last word: It may be a good idea to drop the notion of sex as “fantasy.” Sex is entirely within your grasp! …But it’s not likely to be fantasy caliber. Fantasy sex usually only happens with married couples…and even then it’s for a unique/special occasion and only happens like once or twice.
dude i think you are in your right for waiting to make things truly special when you lose your virginity. i will say even when you create that perfect scenario with that perfect someone things will probably only get more complicated. thus said i think love is learned not earned and practice and experience makes perfect. trying to merge with another human being is lifes strangest journey give it time but trust your gut.
Sex and intimacy a chore? Sounds like a result of an emotionally unattached upbringing. I say this because I feel the same feelings myself, and it may be likely that if you are unable to connect with others, it’s a result of your own connection within yourself. Meditate, write, etc etc…all hipster activities that highlight an extra sense of uniqueness will help you discover yourself. This is my best advice, and I think You are beautiful…that is all
ps- props to BryanCBlanford’s step sister, you epitomize The Ammrrikan Dream ;)