Some background: iv’e smoked pot since freshman year in high school with only a few experiences like this. i have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder in junior or senior year of high school. i was prescribed effexor for it from senior to second semester freshman year but decided to stop taking it because i felt as though i could handle it on my own and that the medicine was doing more harm than good, in the long run or otherwise. while on the medication though i could function more easily and to an extent better but i didn’t feel “cured”
last night was one of the worst experiences i’ve had while smoking weed. I was feeling pretty great about an hour or so earlier because i finished my first mediation session. it felt great, liberating. I felt like i would have a nice clear mind to think of some different things through a different view of life, so i decided to smoke. i went outside into the quad of our campus around 1:30 with nobody around. I smoked about half of a bowl of heads (this is the first time smoking in 3 or so weeks so my tolerance has been pretty low) and as i started to walk inside i was thinking i’m not overly high, i should be okay to go unnoticed. i almost make it to the door of my dorm building when i hear loud Shreaks from people that seem to be far away that penetrating my whole body. from there i was a little on a nervous side. i pass a group of people in the lobby, not feeling that confident but acceptable in passing them. i make it up to my dorm and i am really on edge. i feel like something i’m afraid of something but i cant quite seem to figure out what it is. i made it up to my dorm, alone and couldn’t set my mind to anything. i was too afraid and couldn’t remember what the norm of reality was nor did it feel like i could create my own. it all felt cold, harsh and hostile. i felt as though i was disrupting everyone in my hallway because i was anxious, confused, and not in a good place to keep the energy of others in my hallway up.
but after a few moments my focus was moved to music from a guy across the hall as well as music that has been playing from the bathroom. i was listening to the different layers and was just in awww of the masterpiece it made. after it was over, i felt like i couldn’t shift my mind to anything else. nothing was acceptable, just a loop of thoughts that wouldn’t change, like i was quite literally stuck and nothing i could do would get me out. after about what seemed like one to two minutes of time, i started to hear my hall mates talking. it wasn’t soft or kind like the music, instead it felt extra intrusive. i didn’t know what to do to calm myself down or to change my focus or what, i couldn’t stop listening. i start hearing people say “man, is he okay” and “i cant even breath in here”. more and more people start to get up out of their dorms, more energy is being created, more fear being created within myself. i felt like i was the cause of this, even though i wasn’t doing or saying anything (iv’e felt like this often in public and sometimes in my dorm one semester ago, even while sober. my girlfriend would get upset with me and tell me that nothings happening and that i’m making it about myself. maybe that’s true and i’ve been doing my best to see it as that but it sure felt all too real). i felt as though i was making a giant fool out of myself, embarrassing myself, causing people discomfort and irritant just by being there. i wanted to try and stay there as long as i could because i wanted to conquer it, but unfortunately i couldn’t get passed it. for about the next ten minutes, all of this energy from other people kept happening and it all felt like it was coming from me. the last thing i heard from someone before i left was “okay good step four has been completed”. It might not sound like much but i had to leave.
i went out to my car and on the way i heard people out of view say “its okay i’m just waiting”. it sounded like it was pertaining to me and it is very possible but i just couldn’t shake it, or start to think. i went in my car, which looking back at it now didn’t seem like the best idea, and started to drive. the car didn’t calm me down much or put my brain anywhere. i couldn’t concentrate, i was just petrified. i turned on some music to try to calm me down. i turned on tera melos because that’s one of the few albums i had at the time, but with little luck. it was on but it was extremely hard to listen. i drove for about an hour and a half trying to put all my energy to think about my girlfriend try to calm me down but with little luck. after the ride it was late enough to assume that most of the people in my hall would be asleep. they were. i went back up to my room, exhausted but barely felt any better than before because i didn’t know if this was going to persist or not. luckily everyone was asleep and i could fall asleep.
i wish i could say this was the first time this has happened. is this a matter of anxiety? is this a matter of ego? what could this be? i know we are all connected in some way but how, im not sure. any insight would be appriciated
At the very beginning of your experience you set yourself up for disaster. When we used to do stuff like that in college, and immediately concern ourselves with “will people notice?” “Will I get in trouble if they do” “do I look ok right now?” “Am I acting normal?” Whatever you wanted to achieve by smoking simply goes out the window and nothing but anxiety and worry follows. That’s why I absolutely believe its not even worth smoking unless you are in a “worry free” environment where none of these anxieties can manifest. Trust me I learned the hard way as well. It’s much easier to just wait or go somewhere else, than to endure a situation like the one described =P