Ok, so turning to an online community or blog for help is often mocked, but I know I need advice and that it will be sound advice from HEthens. I’m not going to play the “my friend has a problem” card because of how ashamed I am…we need to admit our mistakes in order to learn from them. My good friend, who recently became a bass player an addition to my band, has now left the band and (even worse) decided to discard our friendship. He married young, the first year out of high school, to a girl who it turns out has a big something for me. I told her that she needed to be the one to let him know how she felt, that it couldn’t be me, and that she had put a heavy burden on me that I did not want to take responsibility for. Despite my telling her that I did not want to betray my good friend, and that she was married, we became good friends and eventually led an on and off affair until we got caught red handed. She had told me just days before it all came out how she felt she wanted to divorce my friend and was asking if I’d be interested in a relationship, which I described I might be but I didn’t know how promising it would be. She wanted to get our own place, and was even talking of marriage. She said it was a mixture of her attraction to mer and her distaste with her current marriage. I by no means encouraged any of her advances, but obviously nature and my hormones bested me. I am lonely, living in a small town where I know everyone. Naturally i feel horrible, and although the band continued afterwards, it shortly ended. I don’t know what to do but I want nothing more than my friend back and to play music with him. What is the best thing I can do?
Logically, I don’t think it makes much sense to keep going with that chick, but ya kno, people have feelings and whatnot, which are just as essential, but most of the time disregards logic :)
It really all comes down to what you want do. Either you want your friend back, or you want to pursue a further relationship with that chick. Would you really want to start a relationship with someone who cheated on their spouse though? Wouldn’t you be afraid of the same thing happening to you?
But hey, do what you feel is right. In my opinion, a person who wants nothing more than their friend back, wouldn’t hesitate to let go of the thing that messed up their friendship in the first place. But in all honesty, it’s never that simple. Seems like a part of you still wants her.
And if you haven’t yet, you should apologize to your friend. You owe him that much.
I realize she is poisonous and that there can be nothing between us, trust me. I want my friend back. The problem is that he has seemed to run back to her and blame me for all…which is most likely her manipulation of him…the same way she manipulated me. I told him I would respect his decision to end our friendship, if he also had ended theirs, after apologizing. But he just perpetuating misery for all 3 of us, as I know she does not want to stay with him
It’s not just your fault. She’s just as guilty as you are. You guys both screwed him over, thus he should be equally mad at the both of you.
It really doesn’t matter who seduced who first because you guys continued to see each other “on and off” behind your friends back. Not only that, but he didn’t find out because you guys told him about your affair, he found out because you guys got caught! If you guys didn’t get caught, how long would you have waited to tell him? A better question is, would you have told him?
You really gotta think about this from his perspective. You believe yourself to be in a good relationship with your spouse, only to realize that your “wife” is cheating on you with your “friend”? He has to be hella confused right now. He honestly can’t trust either of you. But it does make sense that he defaulted to taking her side instead of yours.
I personally think the best thing to do is for all of you to be grown ups, sit the fuck down and talk about it, deal with everything straight up. Let each other know how you really feel and what you guys want for the future. You guys are gonna be on a bumpy road friendship and relationship wise if you don’t.
Salvage what you can, as soon as you can, before you loose it forever.
The chick is trouble, amigo. If she did it to your friend, she’ll do it to you. Ditch her.
As for your friend: You stabbed homie in the back. BIG TIME. Like, aside from having a threesome with his mom and sister, there really isnt a douchier possible thing you could have done to him. There’s nothing you can (or should) do–if he never wants to talk to you again, you have to respect that. He has every right to hate you from the bottom of his heart.
If he’s willing to stay in touch, you have to silently bear it whenever he brings it up, however long he wants to keep bringing it up. No arguments.