How did you heal?

Shelby (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago

I have always considered myself as a lucky person. As a child I possessed a sense of power- the confirmed thought that I would do something important. Now, 20 years old, I have been completely on top of my mindset, as well of dwelling in a never ending hole. Depression is exceptionally irritating when you firmly believe that you are the creator of your attitude and well being. I know as well as you do that depression is supposedly a chemical imbalance, a disorder of sorts. On many levels I have to agree. However, deep down there is a voice that shakes its’ head disagreeing. You have pulled yourself out of this before, Shelby. You aren’t even trying. I expect happiness to simply come to me, swelling up in what would be considered a pleasant situation. You can imagine my frustration when all that arises is a hollow, meaningless emotion void of substance.
In comparison, I have smiled randomly because of an overwhelming sense of joy. I have been the voice of reason. I have told myself for more than a year that I am simply healing- I have suppressed dealing with things that happened that tore me apart, it had to catch up sometime. I was betrayed by my father at a young age, who later took his own life. I grew up in a foster home for the majority of my childhood, to only be readopted by my mother and subjected to physical and verbal abuse- abuse that I have only recently begun to accept. As cliche as it may be, I firmly believed that I was an awful child that deserved the treatment I received. I find it impossible to confide in even my closest friends because I don’t want the attention, pity- to put them in the still moment of not having any words of comfort. I have been the one to turn to, the old owl that pushes to take into consideration the larger picture. I have been crumbling.
I know that this is personal, and even if it goes passed on with no response I feel better simply typing this out. I have kept a journal since I was able to write- but talking to myself isn’t sufficing. Not anymore.
I am ready to meet people. I am ready to connect with someone- to see the passion dilate their pupils as they speak- to help them to grow- and in turn, grow as well. How did you heal? How did you crawl out of your hole?

June 24, 2014 at 11:07 pm
Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

And beyond.

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

I appreciate you taking the time to reply more than you know. I’m going to listen to them all now. Much love from me.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

No biggie. Just periods of my life when I kick motherfucking ass.

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Luckily for me now is one of those times.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Honestly, I don’t know if you should listen to me. I’m going to have a damn final just in 3 hours. Haven’t attended class, ever. Didn’t memorize anything of the crap. Just bought myself a beer. Nothing that stupid I do won’t make them keep me to pay for my semesters. If I pass again, I fucking quit.

I don’t know if anyone should listen to me. I’m tired of anyone telling me “here, take this future”. Bejeesus. Turned me into a goddamn moron. That’s just the opposite of healing anything.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Excuse my rant. I do that sometimes. I don’t know what I’d do without those times.

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Despite all that, you helped me. That may be the opposite of you helping yourself. Yet it still lifted my mood. Incredible how genuine reassuring from a stranger can send such powerful vibes. I wish I had words of wisdom for you in return, all I have to offer is the truth. If you’re not happy those classes don’t mean shit. Don’t listen to anyone. Dig out that voice and listen. Hell, those words might not be the greatest, I don’t know what my direction is, but I have a clue. I started by backtracking to the things I loved to do as a child. Turned out it was right there all along, I just always made excuses to why I couldn’t do it.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Maybe I’m a hardheaded believer and dreamer
Maybe I’m a little less hobo but more than a train-wreck
The only time I have is the time I can give us
my deepest, my keenest, my heartless jail-break.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

You’re right.

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

How so?

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

It wasn’t about what makes me happy or not, but what doesn’t feel wrong. I didn’t fail the exam I was ranting about, I passed this exam because I was authentically interested and felt rewarded by my own effort. I failed my second exam.

I don’t even want to call it failure, because I stood all night stuck on remembering two sentences and my mind and body were rejecting the effort I’m trying to make. My heart rate raised every time I tried. It was like my consciousness could not let my memory capacity to function properly.

I’m not mad that it doesn’t make me happy. I was mad that it tried making me feel guilty if I fail or proud if don’t without taking into consideration what I would do gladly, and even from my heart. I wasn’t motivated by fear, because fearing what I don’t naturally agree with isn’t motivation.

I noticed I wasn’t there attending an exam, I was there observing everyone who succumbed to a slow life of stagnation, waiting for a chance to deal with the most decent, however dulling and dispiriting shit of a life they’ll get, without realizing it’s their unconscious habit of only pulling through nonsense.

I wasn’t even against an authoritarian figure. I was literally in no contact whatsoever with such. It was like taking a part of an activity forcing me to believe what’s rewarding. Say I don’t like a game because it doesn’t give me anything I can learn from, so the achievements and rewards from it are a scam, because I really don’t feel I’ll achieve what I’m there for.

I was manipulated by unawareness of a collective stagnation. I felt it. Made me believe I’m lazy and I lack confidence. The truth is confidence requires a sense of worth and effort requires potential for growth.

I couldn’t give them that much.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

ride the wave

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Thanks man. I have no intention of stopping anytime soon.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

I am moulting. Thank you. This speaks volumes.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

This worked for me a few days ago when I said to myself “There are no distractions”.

No need to thank yourself.

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Anonymous (64) (@) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

Your are pure love Shelby. I can feel your radiant light in my heart it is so pure. Keep doing what you’re doing. Just keep on keeping on. You will undoubtedly inhabit that place again soon where you can tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.

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Shelby (0) (@shelbytucker) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

I have teased myself with the idea of burning man for years now. I would love to attend. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, they made me smile.

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Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 5 months ago ago

I think you’re intuition is right. Of course depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, BUT that chemical imbalance is a SYMPTOM of something deeper, not a cause. Treating things at the level of symptoms never works. You’re right to think that it’s something else, and you’re right to think that YOU have the power to come out of it, and you don’t need to rely on a pill to symptom relieve you into feeling happy.

You heal by going into your pain. Allowing it to be there, and it eventually dissipates. You don’t heal by covering up the symptoms and through endless amounts of distraction.

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