How discover HOCD may had saved my life…

Shyo (@shyo) 7 years, 10 months ago

Hi folks!
I follow HE for 4 years and it really opened my eyes for a lot of things. Although I could never really felt the power of controlling my mind. Until maybe yesterday. It’s a long story but the honest I can:

I’m a straight guy who have never had gay thoughts or desires. I had my insecurities about my penis size but although I never let me go by this by this feeling I still I’m affected by this.
I’m in love with a beautiful girl for 5 years now and despite 2 or 3 times where I couldn’t get an erection mostly because of alcohol I never had problems.
I had always masturbated thinking of girls and never had weird fetiches or intrusive thoughts.
Maybe 3 months ago my mind was flooded with gay thoughts where everything I see in a man or a manly thing that calls my attention may make question “OMG! If I found that attractive it’s because I’m gay!”. I don’t really have nothing against gay and had always been comprehensive and acceptive about people being who they are. And that’s one more of my insecurities. “OMG! If I understand them so good it’s because I want to be like them!”.

My time as been a hell since then. The vision of me becoming gay horrifies me and get a strong pressure in my chest where I just want to throw up or literally die.
My girlfriend was sick and had to stay in the hospital for a few days when I come home alone I felt like my life was all wrong. “What I’m doing?! I must be gay for sure!” and I cried like a baby and even thought in jumping off the window. I had NEVER in my felt so much anxiety and pain in my brain and it was the first time I had a suicidal feeling.

Finally in despair I started looking up the internet for people with similar thoughts and after some pages that confused me more because of all my past unresolved insecurities (like the size of my penis that made me look for other guys in a way that they are more man than I am) I read the term HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorver) and the minute I took this test:

I felt an immediate relief and started rationalizing a little more. I didn’t even knew that there was such thing as HOCD but I have to share this with you: it was like the myself I knew was dead and woke up to life again.

It would be very nice that knowing this alone would make this thoughts or, as I call them now obsessions, go away. But it won’t and the first step that is been very hard to accept is that I have a disease in my brain and that there is no magic pill that will make it pass but only with mental training and strength (the hard and exhausting work)!

I only discovered this yesterday and I started reading a great book called Brain Lock that it’s really helping me understand what’s going on inside my brain and that this is a chemical that’s it’s making my brain lie to me.

But even now although I know that I’m straight when I’m starting kissing my girlfriend I find and immediate anxiety to prove myself that I’m straight and that I have to have and erection right away otherwise it’s because I’m gay. And I force gay thoughts into my mind to see what happens and this makes me sick and seems like my chest is going to explode.

Have anyone here experienced anything like this? Although I try to convince my mind at any cost that it’s my OCD and not me it wins sometimes and it’s a nightmare.

But I know I have to be strong and fight at any cost against this obsessive thoughts and compulsions. Now I fully understand the power and importance of self improvement and self control. Thank you guys for keeping me inspired all this years.

November 12, 2014 at 5:53 pm
Tine (366) (@tine) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

hey, the context from which i speak comes from my own experience with this subject, as well as engaging many gay men and woman about their lives, and for men there is a single common denominator that i have seen,

and that is, some sort of traumatic emasculation. throughout your talk you mention a coupla times about your penis size, and given the ‘guy’ look on penis size, being insecure about this would definitely fall in line with an traumatic emasculation,

so, my suggestion is, instead of worrying about whether or not you are gay, i would explore more fully how the thought, ‘my penis is small’, affects your self worth, your security level amongst other males who you might assume have larger members, and your ability to perform as you want to with your girlfriend,

contemplate these two truths, 1) your penis size does not make you a male, the fact that you have a penis does, and 2) the only act that makes you gay is gay intercourse.

a thought is not real unless you act on it, you are not gay just because your mind wanders to that subject matter.

and the final freeing truth is, even if you decide to act on these gay thoughts, there is still nothing wrong with you, your sexual preference only makes up who you are if you let it, there are many gay men who i have met that are perfectly secure and content with who they are, what society thinks of you, what some assholes says about you, none of that matters if you are content with who you are.

so, more than anything, do things, physical, mental, emotional, that bring you closer to your contentment and learn to let go of the high level of importance you give your dick, and let go of the idea that, if you were gay, that means there is something wrong with you, or, bc you think these thoughts, there is something wrong with you,

be you, whoever that is,

Shyo (0) (@shyo) 7 years, 10 months ago ago


Thanks a lot for your comment. I really think you are right and the emasculation because for example when I’m around black guys I feel small because of the myth they have big penis.

And my freeing part is that a act is what matters and I had never in anyway engaged, or wanted to, with a man sexually.

Writing this post and sharing this weight on my chest was very freeing and thanks for your time!

Tine (366) (@tine) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

no problem bud, face these thoughts, dont hide from them, dont let them shame you, dont assign any emotional value to them, let them be part of you bc, they are you, they are your thoughts, they are part of your emotional experience,

i get how you must feel, but there are no worries here, curiosity about that subject is something every male deals with, even if most males dont consider it at all and bury it, this is still an example of them responding to the ‘gay’-part of them,

and, this is the silver lining, if you can think anything without attaching yourself to it, then being able to see the gay side of male-ness is a HUGE, enormous perspective advantage over other males bc most are completely closed off. the ability to see the gay side of things will allow you see reality more clearly,

so dont hide, dont look for reasons why your mind might be tricking you or this and that, feel the emotional part of yourself that experiences these thoughts and go from there

later =)

Tine (366) (@tine) 7 years, 10 months ago ago

sidenote, girls dont care about penis size as long you learn how to emotionally connect with them in the sack and are still able to make them cum, internally or externally,

so if your penis size bothers you bc you think it affects your ability to ‘do the dirty’, maybe focus more on how you can please her, both physically and emotionally, and the confidence you get from being able to do this will outweigh any kind of negative penis-size issue,

do something about your insecurity

tomas (0) (@pachinotomas) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Just registered because saw your article in internet!
Have absolutely the same obsession.
I absolutely understand every word u wrote! I was so much depressed, and it longed more than 2 years! time to time I felt better, when was calming myself about answer I hoped, but my brain was continuing to play with me! You must be lucky to find EXACTLY the same web-page which I did! and I did it even…. 5 days ago! I wish I could find it much more before!
And as u wrote, I also discovered and was so much surprised about how mane people are having the same obsession!
It made me calm!
So, cheers friend just wanted to give you my answer! I even think that it is my duty to response the people like me and u! As your article and also every word I find in internet about this obsession (clever words and words full with attention to people), makes me feel better!

Cheers again and hope u have as great life as u deserve with your kindness and being so good person (also for your job of opening this article, which I believe will calm also another people. I even have NO idea about HOCD during 2 years of my torture).

Also want to reply to Tine. In Whole may be you are right or close to right ideas, but I think you just don’t understand what is article about and what is going on here! So, advice is one side, but the article is about another case!

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