O.K. so first of all, I’m very new to this website. i joined because it seemed like a welcoming place for me. if you’d like to check out my profile please do! theres lots about me on there. so anyway, I’m just going to come out and say it.
it all began in the summertime of this current year. april, 2014. me and my boyfriend were dating for almost 2 years. i mean like in june it was out 2 year anniversary. but we were fighting, and blah blah blah. i was a senior in high school and i felt like i wanted my space so i ended it with him. but also because i met someone else. someone who felt like he impacted my life for god knows what reason when i barley knew him. as time went by we began to become best friends. those words coming from his mouth. he wanted to make his own music, because that was his passion. we got along so well and connected on a different level of companionship because we both had passions about writing and music. he had a space set up in his room with all his recording equipment and i recorded a song. he showed it to his family and friends and by that night i was getting texts from people saying how good i was.
as time went on, me trying to see who was best for me (this guy- lets call him A, and my ex)… i was very uncertain about who or what kind of future i wanted. it was either be with my ex and go to school and start a life together, or A, still go to school but here in town and probably stay with him and make music. being with A made me feel like a new part of me was finally understood. we both came to the realization around begging june that we both made each other feel a special way when were together. i was finally with someone who understood me for all that i am, not just a part or a fraction.
so the night we both told each other how we really felt, it was good. but after that it seemed like it got harder from there on. we were both coming out of a long term relationship that didn’t end on the best of terms. so it was weird kissing another pair of lips and i think we were both very aware of that.
we were uncertain who to tell, and what to call us? but we didn’t like calling it anything so we remained friends in front of our friends and on our time alone well.. you know.
it was the end of june and he had a trip to go on. one in mexico with the grad class… i didn’t go because i chose to go to europe that year instead. that was the one difference between us… he enjoyed parting and i kinda didn’t.
so the night he left, he picked me up and immediately he wanted to go on a date for a walk in the park. we got some drinks and he took me to this nice spot where there was a bench surrounded by trees, and flowers, facing a lake. we rolled up a j and smoked it, then made out. he continued to tell me how we were going to recored songs together so we could finish his on going mix tape that he had going on. i was in awe and just waiting for the day he came back.
we never had sex… just the stuff leading up to it. he was good like that. but we spent the rest of the night talking to one another, walking around until 3 in the morning.
that day he left and didn’t really give me much of a goodbye but it was okay.
so all week i was distracting myself. not once did i text him or talk to him. and so it came, the day he came back, the day that changed us until now.
once he arrived in town i didn’t even know. everyone else was getting calls from him asking to hangout but i didn’t get anything at all. it didn’t make sense but i wasn’t freaking out. that night we all had a grad party reunion for the people who were gone. he came, and the whole night he avoided me. after that, i didn’t text him for 3 days. until i finally just said hey. hey replied as if nothing went on between us, and began to tell me how he never really liked me and that everything he did with me was a mistake. he was back together with his ex, (who was on the trip) and it was like i never existed.
i was crushed. it was like being run over 6 times and stomped on with a hammer. THIS is when i began to have dreams about him. reoccurring dreams that he would be in, but a different situation all the time.
i ended up getting back with my ex bf after about a month of being apart and everything was good again. the dreams stopped, he was out of my head, and i didn’t mind. i was in love with my bf because i always was.
so recently, in the month of october at my best friends party, he approached me. i was saying how i didn’t have enough money to get a cab home and he offered to give me 15$ for extra to my 20$.i didn’t say yes, but after that the crowd we were standing it vacated over to another group. so it was just us. standing there for the first time in how long. my heart dropped, i was just about to walk away when he grabbed me by the arm and said, hey, so I’m sorry for what happened. he began to ask questions about how I’ve been and of course I’m good now, but it just felt so weird. like all the emotions came back when he looked at me like that. when it was just us. now, i know i don’t have feelings for A anymore. that night we made everything okay again..it was hard to be around him because with our huge friend group he was in, it was always awkward and uncivilized. but ever since that night, the dreams with him started to re occur. sexual ones and non sexual ones.
the next couple weekends i seen him at parties and we talked, not like we used to but we talked.
then halloween weekend came up. we were all going to my best friends place halloween dress up party. when i walked out wearing my skin tight black cat woman body suit in the dark he didn’t know who i was because i heard a “woah, who’s that” and once i turned around he looked blankly at me and i continued on my own path. we played a round of beer pong later, he ended up spilling 2 of my 3 half filled with vodka cups and i just quit. he was being an ass, standing on the other side of the table laughing at me and how i sucked. he was straight up making fun of me. i felt embarrassed and humiliated. he never spoke a word to me that whole night.
and that was the last time i have seen him. but i used to see him all around town when he weren’t talking. its like he is a statement to my life. i feel like he is connected some how but i really don’t know how or in what way.
the dreams keep reoccurring, i feel like i need to talk to him alone and set aside our differences because that hasn’t happened yet, theres been no real closure. I’m moving away in january and i know if i don’t do something about this, its going to be at the back of my throat for a long time. I’m tired of waiting for something to happen…
so what do i do? i need serious advice! what do you guys think? about the reoccurring dreams and his impact on my life…? it would be a great help. thanks for listening.
regardless, i just needed that off my chest.
I’d say do it! the conversation might not end up like you imagine, but it sure sounds like some weird behaviour from his side, so get it out in the open, if he has any decency the least he can do is have an open talk about it.. and this way at least you made an effort and won’t have to think back later that you should’ve tried to get it off your chest.. if he won’t talk with you, then I guess that’s all the closure you get..
edit: about the dreams and impact on your life, I would say that your dreams are “just” manifestations of your unresolved issues with him that have made impressions on your subconscious mind.. His impact on your life is what you make of it, sounds like it’s a another experience you’ll look back at down the road with a shrug of the shoulders..
I also think you should talk with him and get that closure, its always good to get that no matter what, I know from my expierieneses that when I havent gotten closure it impacts me more in a bad way then in a good way, even if I never think of what had happened because it was so long ago its still in your head and for me it doesnt help my current relationship but it hinders it in other ways that are unseen until its become to the point that theres an issue and I don’t know why and it ends up being because I havent had any closure. If you can, get closure not for him but for you and what is to come. even if its not the best closure just as long as you’ve got one it will definitly help in the long run