Coming on HE for the past week or so made me understand that being shy is being afraid of people’s judgement. Before I thought it’s more about being quiet. When I look back on my life, I used to be the class clown, always loved going to new places and meet new people. However, as I’ve grown older, I seem to become less sociable and more and more afraid about people’s perception of me. So my defence reaction is to try to stay out of the radar.
I’m still debating whether I’m an introvert or an extrovert. I personally think I’m an extrovert hiding behind my shyness as I tend to enjoy other people’s company especially when I don’t feel judged. It’s hard because it’s natural that every person that I meet will try to form a impression of me but I really don’t enjoy that feeling and I wish I could be more relaxed and unafraid about the whole process.
I’m just wandering if anyone else has been or is going through something similar and any tips of overcoming this fear of people’s judgement.
So you are X, other person is Y, third party is Z.
You want to create a super-ego for X that is effectively kind-spirited enough that any action X makes to Y, and Y was to judge you negatively for an action not worthy of negative judgement that Z would then form a negative opinion on Y and give X sympathy.
Then run some experiments, just start faking some confidence and upping X’s level of attention requests from Y and take lead in keeping the conversation going, remembering to listen and respond. ^.^
It’s like, people will judge you, even the kindest man, but for the most part of the out-of-high-school population, the judgement stops at ‘is this person a threat’ – threat is a very multifaceted word in this sense.
So to play above their level of judgement, simply, don’t be a threat.
Smile, listen, respond, make your points.
Two tits for tat if conflict arises, not worth the stress unless under physical attack.
Conversation just flows when it’s running right, like a ball of attention in the form of where each of the conversationalists minds and focus are. Flow gets clogged up when people disguise where their mind is, instead of being present.
TLDR: Fake it to learn it, apply some homemade scientific method on that shit.
I “struggle” with the same thing. Used to be the clown in school, the loud-mouth musician, the carefree idiot. Wouldn’t want to act that way anymore, obviously, but would enjoy judging myself less (it’s not them judging you, it’s you judging yourself and using others as scapegoats).
I suppose only repetition will help. Non-judgementality must be a habit as well.
Just try to understand that whoever may be standing in front of you is just as equally afraid of being judged as you are! People tend to naturally and sub-consciously reflect the actions and emotions of those directly in front of them. Approaching or engaging with someone with a cheerful but yet not overwhelming disposition will almost assuredly make them feel much more relaxed and comfortable around you! food for thought :)
I kind of had this phase and then I remembered what it was like when I was more outgoing.
In high school, I gave absolutely zero fucks what anyone thought, I figured things couldn’t get any worse so I started to say whatever I felt, and if people liked it, great, if not, tough.
As I got older, I developed a sense of responsibility and learned that it is strategically disadvantageous to just blurt anything out and started to become more “to my self.” I thought that this was they way to not offend people or say the wrong thing, particularly anything that would represent me in a negative light.
However, I eventually got tired of this. Things would build up and sometimes I wouldn’t say anything until it bothered me enough to go overboard with it.
Long story short, I found two things:
1) One must learn to be happy with self and set self worth intrinsically. Doing what you think others want is impossible, you will always disappoint SOMEONE because no one’s views/wants are the same. Therefore, it is more logical to do what makes you feel happy with yourself as a person. THEN, once you have your OWN esteem, you can then compare it with others view and learn to know when someone’s criticism of you is valid.
2) Honesty and directness does not have to mean stepping on people’s toes. Example: If I tell someone their shoes suck, that’s an asshole move on my part. However, if someone asks me my opinion and I’m honest but not condescending, i.e. “Those shoes aren’t really my style, personally” then it is the OTHER person who is being an asshole if they can’t accept my freedom of choice.
Remember, other people’s OPINIONS generally do nothing for you. They are just opinions. If other people define you, sorry, you’re going to be a miserable person unless you just have that great of a supportive cast in your life. Most don’t. If you define yourself, and make decisions that YOU can say, “You know what, I did or said what was true to MYSELF” to I think you will not only conquer your fear of other’s opinions, but I’ve personally found it to be a small piece of the puzzle that is true internal happiness.