When you hear something being said or see something happening, how true are you to YOURSELF while amongst other people? I find that while we as people, for the most part, especially amongst strangers or people we are just getting to know, there is this feeling that there has to be a sort of compliance when discussing our own personal views, ideas and true feelings with another person(s). As if there is this unwritten mutual rule that we must keep it ‘within the boundaries’ and adjust the extent of how we express what we truly think in order to make the other human more comfortable in an attempt to make friendship. But what does this all really even come down to?
How often do you tell people what you really think?
If you’re talking to somebody and they make an offensive joke do you laugh even though you might not enjoy it or do you speak up and say “well, hey listen I don’t think that’s right.” ?
Do you stand up for what you believe in no matter what?
Sure, it’s very easy to say “Of course! I am a person with strong morals and a great sense of ethics! I know what I believe in!” But how often do you show that to the world?
Ever been insulted? Heard a racist remark made? Cooperate with something you don’t even want to do?
My question is….WHY?
Are we so nervous of how we are recieved by others anymore that we do not act upon our real feelings?
Are you who YOU want to be or are you the person you feel others would be more comfortable around?
What is the root of all this and why? My wish is that you unearth every motive you have ever had to say “no! I do not agree!” And SAY IT.
MAKE IT KNOWN.
MAKE IT KNOWN HOW YOU FEEL.
How true are you to yourself if you don’t always speak how you truly feel? How much of yourself are you then?
Be real. Be you. Let it all out. The world will be a much better place if we shed this skin, peel away this veil and speak what we ALL feel. Go ahead – I dare you to truly tell the world how you feel from now on.
Oh, how liberating it can be to not hold anything back.
@ojai, I am in a really peaceful state right now, which wasn’t how I was earlier today, so I feel as if I have a fairly good grasp on both sides of this spectrum.
I feel like the reason why we don’t speak up is because we don’t know how to react when things don’t go the way we planned.For example, with the offensive joke, if one speaks up, there can be that “awkward pause” or a moment of mild shock, because either party is not sure how to react. And then anxiety usually kicks in, which is something that we try to avoid due to our nature. But it’s not only anxiety that can arise when one speaks up. Either is at risk for rejection, fear, depression, etc – all things we are created to want to avoid.
So I feel as if the problem isn’t that we are afraid of what people think, but rather we are afraid of not knowing how to respond or not seeing how the interaction will play out. It’s not a situation that many people feel they have control over and completely understand.
Still using the offensive joke as an example, speaking up would mean that the other person would have to reestablish their consciousness and mode of perception. that’s difficult. it changes the mood and flow of the conversation and relationship. what they were comfortable saying, they now know is not, and they have to rethink the entire relationship based on that one faulty interaction. And that’s hard because many people are stubborn and either not open to or not able to shift their mode of perception very easily.
But I do agree! Speaking my mind and being confident with my speech and interactions definitely makes me happier! But it’s not that I’m happier when I speak up, but rather I’m happier when I’m in a mode of perception where I feel inclined to speak up. It’s not the action, but the state of being.
Not often enough,mainly because our social conditioning doesn’t say “be honest,speak the truth,trust people” more like ” impress,don’t trust,lie if it serves you,etc”. the fact that we don’t speak our mind is a natural consequence of this. Of course,it’s much more complicated than this,more variables, but this is the main reason.
@ojai, Awesome post. Man expressing yourself feels awesome, and the more you do it the easier it becomes. I was watching an Elliot Hulse video the other day, and he said something which made sense to me, expression is the opposite of depression.
I always question when I haven’t been able to be honest, and it tells me something useful about me. I still restrain whenever I have the urge to go up and shake a stranger and say ‘WAKE UP, YOU’RE ALIVE’. Maybe I shouldn’t, haha!
“Hey, Matthew! Maturity has it’s perks…If evolving well, one comes to Understandings that make communication a well-honed skill to be used at will.
One of those Understandings is that, although we have Freedom of Speech, it is Wisdom that holds our tongues from spewing non-sense. The wise await the question “What do you think/feel about that?” before downloading their speak. Then, they think backwards as to what their words will become sum to.
Another Understanding is that ‘there is no need to be right’. Defensive conversation is entirely futile, while intelligent debate can ignite passions & thinking.
And yet, another…There are truly only 2 types of humans being–Those with brains, and those with brains that use them. Surrounding Self with the latter is just Nice…and Nice does matter, especially when words are involved.
(If you think about it, the great leaders we identify with, found very few times when an angry loud voice was useful, and their speeches were usually short & to the point, yes? Fewer would ever think to uphold ‘their way’ as an ‘only way’, but rather as ‘another way’ with more functional & sustainable possibilities.)
Now, me, personally? I can be a mouth-in-ever-gear, but with good listening ears, too. I absolutely adore an invigorating conversation of expression, and tend to take a bit of pride in my ‘finesse’ within one. I know those Understandings well…I work on them & with them always & all ways…the ‘ever-gear’ is in constant ‘check’, I really struggle with that. :)
Anyway…just some thoughts…thanks for asking! :)
I can never laugh along with jokes made about child abductions/missing children/abused etc….when people make jokes about Maddie Mcann or Baby P I give them a good grilling because they are not making jokes about a general issue, when they start using names your making jokes at the wee kiddy it is complete ignorance to their plight. Do I care if I make anyone feel awkward, myself or otherwise, no, it’s just one thing Im adamant about.
Im not the most popular person in the world and I really think it’s because I don’t do the whole agreeable thing, if someone does or say’s something I don’t like i.e they are being a dick I’ll tell them exactly what I think and I’ll probably lose respect for em. But yeah, people don’t like that so it’s not the path to popularity at all. Just as well I don’t care much for that.
@ojai, Matthew, I must admit, your post presents an excellent opportunity to “be real”, “ be me”, ”make it known how I feel”, “not hold anything back”, and grant you your wish by saying “no! I do not agree” with many of the beliefs you revealed. I counted 11 beliefs, chaotically splattered amongst the 15 rapid-fire questions, and fragmented sentences. It is you who will benefit more than anyone from this post as it appears to be written from you and for you.
“How true are you to YOURSELF while amongst other people?” Capitalizing “yourself” is an early indicator that the subconscious is shouting to your self. This presents a contradiction. You clearly are telling people to be true to themselves, “to stand up for what you believe in, no matter what”, ‘to be who you want to be”. In effect your saying, be true to your beliefs but then insisting that we all conform to your beliefs on the subject of speaking out every time someone says or does something you don’t agree with, or find offensive. For example, People who want to integrate forgiving quality into their life, allow others to say and do what they will. They realize that speaking your mind in the all out manner, you suggest, make for a person who is highly judgmental and comes across as self righteous, not to mention the yucky energy associated.
One-way to recognize our unconscious beliefs, is when a thought is expressed as a feeling.
“There is this feeling that there has to be a sort of compliance when discussing personal views, ideas, and true feelings with another person”
“There is this unwritten rule
“We must keep it within the boundaries”
We must “adjust to make others feel more comfortable as we attempt to make friendships”
“What does this all really come down to” Well, to begin with most people don’t feel like they have to comply. Maybe they just don’t want to share their views with certain people; maybe they politely close the conversation, which will happen sooner if they don’t keep adding to it. Maybe they have an introverted personality and prefer to listen and observe. Or avoid a potential argument, or mind their own business. May they do believe in setting boundaries, maybe they believe that making others feel comfortable is an act of kindness or compassion. May be their shy. What it comes down to is differing views on how to relate, when to speak, and when to remain silent. It’s called people skills.
I can’t say that I’m feeling liberated. Probably because I’m learning how to not get trapped by by out dated beliefs that serve no purpose but to limit my growth.
Well I’ve tried to fulfill your wish as best I could. Hope it helps!
@ojai,your post asked me the questions that i asked from myself months later! i was a girl who every thing that had she sacrifice for the people she loved but when i noticed that there is no one who be worthy for to the extent of my love! i seriously affected of their temerity behavior.
After that i said: you should know how to say No while you say Yes! you should wake up and don’t let yourself to lost in people’s wishes….
I’m not afraid to speak my mind, but I’m not obnoxious about it. In other words if my comment is unnecessary or unkind I probably won’t say it unless asked or if that person is hurting someone else. also yeah a lot of people want to debate every little thing and bring up their opposing arguments to so and so’s comment but most of the time it is not worth the effort to debate people when i disagree with them. i would much rather listen and observe. my disagreement does not always need to be known.
The other day I was introduced to a friend of a friend and he literally shook my hand and told a joke. “she wanted 9 inches rough so i fucked her 3 times and punched her!” my immediate reaction? “this guy is a fucking idiot.” but i didn’t say it because why insult someone? plus he was probably just looking for a reaction which i wouldn’t give him.
tl:dr, i keep quiet a lot of the time.
@ojai, Excellent thread!!!
People may have a fear of speaking their mind, others only speak their mind when it is something they want. The best type of speaking your mind is when others may gain but you may lose, specifically; when you have what you want and standing up for those who don’t.
er… it’s just basic social skills.
Modern society has some fucked up ideals, of which one is that base human traits/responses are bad and unhealthy lol… If somebody is offended IMO, well no emotion is invalid, they all evolved for a reason.
I personally see no point to say what I want when I want. It seems needless, and one only creates enemies. Modern society merely endorses abnormal behaviour and sociopathy lol…