How to stop the tormenting agony?

 Manimal (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago

Hello, HEthens.
I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask, but I’ve seen that there’s a lot of people here who are or have been dealing mental and emotional problems, and it seems to be a popular topic.
And I could really use some help.

First of all, let me explain my situation.
I have a very hyperactive brain, I always thought it was normal but a few years ago I realized that it wasn’t at all. Far from it.
To clarify, I’ll give an example.

As I’m typing this I want to focus all my attention on the computer, but I’m distracted by a fly that’s crawling on the window. Not just looking at it crawl, but also trying to predict its movement. At the same time, I can’t help but try to figure out the frequency of an electronic humming background noise, I’m pretty sure it’s at 58hz. Meanwhile, I’m humming an original melody that I haven’t heard before, while my feet are tapping the rhythm of a different song out of context. While this is all happening, I’m swept away by old memories that are in no way relevant to my situation, and at the same time I’m thinking of someone I was supposed to meet tomorrow, while also contemplating about the meaning of life and having a sexual fantasy. Seeing the appearing text in the corner of my vision, I cannot help but wonder which is the best letter in the alphabet.
And all the while, I’m counting to four over and over, a process that’s been going on without pause since the day I learned to count to four.
But I have no problem typing this out simultaneously, my fingers know what to do.

That’s just the everyday shenanigans that I’m used to, that’s not the problem I’m here to talk about.
(And while it sure gets annoying sometimes, the advantages outweigh the “curse” as it lets me learn really fast and remember really well and such things. People say I’m “gifted” and stuff like that.)

I know some of you are already thinking: “Dude, you just gotta meditate. It’s the one solution.”
Well, the thing is… I’ve been meditating almost daily since I was 8. It has had many positive effects, but it hasn’t affected my hyperactivity.
And, like I said, it really doesn’t prevent me from focusing and doing things. It’s not the issue.

The problem is that my mind sometimes spins out of control, goes into overdrive and things get really fucked up.
It’s like when you put a live instrument or microphone right up against its amp/speaker and it creates this nasty feedback loop that just keeps getting louder and louder.
So the example I provided above is just the tip of the iceberg that’s wrecking havoc in my head right now. There’s lots of really overwhelming, painful shit whirling around in there.

My chest feels like it’s about to implode.
I’m trembling.
My skin is numb, I can’t feel a thing.
I haven’t eaten in five days.
In those five days, I’ve only had half an hour of sleep. 30 minutes of sleep paralyzed night terror, waking up soaked in cold sweat.
There’s this nasty tingly feeling along my whole back and head, and it keeps growing.
My insides feel like they have a life of their own, like nothing is in order.
Everything hurts feels so heavy, even the air. And despite this, I feel no fatigue, I’m overflowing with hyperactivity.

This has happened to me several times before. But it’s never been this intense, and there’s always been something to keep me at bay, or something that can distract me, or something that makes it stop. But this time it’s different.

As for the typical cure-all sort of stuff, none of it works.
Meditation just makes it worse.
Sex makes it a lot worse.
Drugs only make it more intense.
Being comforted or pampered makes it literally unbearable.
Exercising makes me feel better for the moment, until I collapse in a starving, sleep depraved bundle of misery.
And I cannot sleep, nor force myself to eat.

But just waiting for it to pass, it feels like forever. These last five days have felt like six months, time’s almost standing still. I’m so sick of it, I can’t stand this shit any more. I’ve had more than enough.

That’s why I came here asking for help.
If anyone has any good advice or anything like it, I beg you, please help me.

Thanks in advance.
Peace and love
//Elion

April 19, 2014 at 5:55 pm
defk0n (0) (@defk0n) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Im not a doctor or anything but you might be experiencing psychosis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis

EIther way, i suffer from ADD so i know what its like to have your mind go off in every which direction. Thing that helped me deal was “Aniracetam” its a nootropic with anti anxiety effects. Works really well. almost to well, hard to find anything stimulating now that im all fkng chilled and shit.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I’ve considered it in the past, but that can’t really be what it is.
There’s no dissociation, hallucination, delusion or such involved, actually my perception seems to improve parallel to the increasing agony.

I’m not a fan of commercial nootropics, and I don’t know where to find that particular stuff either. And I’m quite far from the closest place that might sell that sort of stuff. Additionally, I don’t want stuff that makes me dull like that, it tends to make things worse.

Thanks for your suggestions though. I appreciate it.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Maybe your alien life source is rejecting the human you’re inhabiting.

Do you really count to 4 constantly? Dude, I wish I could help. I doubt anyone can help. I’m not trying to be rude or sound insensitive, but death is always an option. Whats so wrong with that? Who said we can’t take the next step when we choose? Why wait for natural causes or a freak accident? By the way I’m not suggesting you kill yourself I’m just saying it’s an option no one has mentioned.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Real funny, mate… Why don’t you go play somewhere else?

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I really wasn’t joking. I guess some topics are taboo around here. It’s a shame really.
Death doesn’t have to be negative. We spend our lives to work towards it. Must be pretty important. Well it’s obvious where you stand on that topic. Maybe you need to go play. Try something new. Maybe that’s your issue. Your brain is so hyperactive it may be just bored with the same things you always do. I ask again though, do you really constantly count to 4?

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Also it seems like you’re fighting it. Have you tried just giving in? Embracing it?

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Did you forget your medication or something? Your abridged, pseudo-intellectual nonsense got old a long time ago.

I wouldn’t have said that I count to 4 if I don’t.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Wow I’m just trying to help you don’t have to be rude and condescending. Go sit in your fucking tower and count to five, that shit was uncalled for. You’re asking for help and just shitting on me for trying.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Very funny…

You are not wanted here, you add no value here. Anyone with at least half a brain would leave under those circumstances.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Look at you harassing me. I know I don’t belong here. You don’t either. Your ego keeps you here because of all your worshipers. What keeps me here? I’m here because this place is a joke, and it’s a good one. I stay because sometimes you find good insights. Some are even from you. You must think I’m joking in my previous comments but I’m not. It really sucks getting shit on like you just did. What was wrong with what I said? I don’t deserve that. Not for trying to help. I thought you were above that. You’re just a lunatic. Know what you need? A labotomy.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

The fact that you’re calling another person a lunatic. Priceless.
The fact that you act like you’ve been trying to help. Priceless.
The fact that you act like you’ve been shit on. Priceless.
The fact that you can’t spell lobotomy. Priceless.

You see a thread where a person asks for help with a serious problem, and you think it’s ok to use that for your own stupid ego entertainment?

That’s fucked up. Get a fucking life.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Regardless of what you think I am trying to help. I apologize for any confusion. I hope you figure out your thing.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

If you looked past your misconception of me you’d see a guy who is just lost and looking for answers. I joke around so as to supress my own personal agony. I don’t always joke, but it probably appears I do.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

stop trying to attribute your self to any one else’s dream-world. give in, but dont give up. make random excuses to exert energy during nice days (go for a walk to the store, get a drink, -try to get lost-{overdrive your brain through visual mapping}). i will do all nighters and walk miles and miles and miles and miles and get lost and walk miles and miles after the sun comes up.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

What makes you think I’m trying to attribute myself to someone else’s dream-world? Why would I do that?
What does it even mean?

I don’t have much more energy to exert, as I explained in the OP. Did you read it before replying?
I also have the worst “infantry burns” I’ve seen, because I’ve already been walking miles and miles. Metric miles, that is.
If I for some reason wanted to go to the store, that would be a very long trek.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

energy is naturally infinite

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

What’s that supposed to mean? How is that related to the discussion?
I mean, come on.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

honestly, ive never read any post you have ever written ever. just adding my few cents. ignore me.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Ok, I will.

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Ed (40) (@orange) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I find this hard to believe.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

So do I.
I can’t find any reason or explanation for this stuff.

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hero0ftime (0) (@walker1474) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Yeah, look at the bright side, you might enjoy tasting the inside of a gun barrel.

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Anonymous (64) (@) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Do not give in to all this talk of death. Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light. Go to a psych if you have to and get put on heavy drugs if even to explore from an intellectual perspective how those drugs effect the parts of your brain that are struggling. You can always stop. Do it for the community here and report back what some of the drugs do perhaps. Like a trip report. Or write. Write a book about someone like you and the demons your fighting against. You write well. I’d read it. Or write a piece that rages against society- your own personal zeitgeist. Or get good at programming and help Jordan finish this website once and for all so that it doesn’t keep breaking down. This forum has merit. You’ve fought this long and it seems unbearable, but give it another day, another week. Go hiking on a long trail like the appalachian or pacific crest trail. It is the right time of the year to start. 4 months of waking up and walking 20 miles. After a few weeks you’ll stop thinking in words and this may quiet your mind enough to find some peace. Or make a mecca to burning man this summer. I feel like I’m in the same place you’re in and I struggle every day to go on. I often don’t even know why. But lets try to finish out today and tomorrow. Let’s put off rash decisions for a while. You are loved and you are appreciated for the genius of your mind. Keep going.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Don’t worry, mate. I would never give in to that shit.
Sucks that you’re also in this sort of mess, stay strong.

I couldn’t reply to your previous post due to the weird coding on this site, only the left half of the post is visible.
I’ve been to a bunch of psychs, they don’t find anything wrong.
Get put on heavy drugs? I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want that, and even if I did those prescriptions are hard to get.

I’ve already tried hundreds of different drugs, I’ve posted trip reports here and on other sites. I don’t do drugs any more (other than the _occasional_ booze binge), it’s behind me.

I’ve tried my hand at writing. Both those types, but the results were very disappointing.
My programming is alright, but I couldn’t join a project that has no clear direction and no firm driving force.

You realise that there’s a big damn ocean between me and those trails, right?
20 miles a day? I can’t pull that off. 20 miles at human walking speed would take around 40 hours, to get it done in less than a day I’d have to walk twice as fast without breaks, doesn’t really sound possible to me.

I haven’t been to burning man, and it doesn’t seem that interesting honestly. Not worth the long journey when there are similar events much closer. And how would going to a festival in the future help me in the present moment now?
I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine by then.

I don’t have many rash decisions to make. And right now I couldn’t care any less about being loved or anything like that.

Thanks for your input though, I really appreciate that you took the time to give so many suggestions.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Looks like someone is a bit pissy…
Just get over it, stop wasting time on this, go do something fun instead. Do something that you understand, and stop being a dick ok?

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LeWiZa (18) (@zpeialel) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

@manimal

Sounds like not a good time. I kind of felt like that and still do at times, though not to the extent you described. I still think too much and I’m all over the place with thoughts but I managed to, I don’t know, for lack of a better description “get better control over it”?

Meditation helped, and before you dismiss this as you already mentioned “Dude, you just gotta meditate. It’s the one solution” I shall kindly ask you to continue reading. What actually helped was not the meditation per se, it was my reaction to the process of it. Every effect and cause of my mood/feelings was a result of my reaction to a thing and there was a process that caused that reaction. Whether the reaction was justified depended I guess. But my mood/feeling and resulting thoughts was a reaction and a following process to an outside stimuli. So now all I do is control my reaction to things and the process shouldn’t start, easy right…?

Didn’t really work out so easily as I thought. What I started doing which helped was try to look at each thought train I had, when I remembered to do it, from outside of it. Which meant trying to separate each thought and story that came through my mind from my thoughts about something and thoughts about the thoughts of about something. If you’re a visual type of person, I tried making the thought into a string of text and watching it go by, then reversing each thought back to its source to see why I thought of that and what prompted the thought train.

You’ll probably have a lot of thoughts to work with though. It worked for me to calm my mind, when I remember to it. Haven’t had nearly as much trouble as I used to. Give it shot if you want.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

What is good anyway? Is it more than an opinion?

I think I know what you mean when you say “get better control over it”. I’ve had this issue for as long as I can remember, and it’s been steadily growing constantly, but my over all level of control and clarity has also constantly increased to match it.
But once or a couple of times a year, something like my current situation occurs. And this time it’s so fucking intense.

The technique you suggest sounds really good.
It’s very similar to what I’ve been doing the last ~10 years. The basic stuff is usually the most powerful.
I’ve been digging deep into my mind, I’ve learned numerous release techniques and NLP tricks, used hypnosis and such. Even SRA. And it’s worked wonders on my attitude, personality and other such ego stuff, but it doesn’t help against these attacks.

Despite my hyperactivity I’m normally very peaceful, focused and super happy. The results that are to be expected of the “self mastery” type of stuff, but it doesn’t help against these bursts of misery (or as my friend calls it, mindstruation).

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Milo (57) (@milo) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Dunno man, what are you really trying to do here?
Your other posts on this site indicate that you have control in your life, I always see you offering solutions to others issues (in a very matter of fact manner too). Haha like you got life figured out, you know what’s going on. Why have you decide this “problem” of yours is an issue right now?

What do you want to do? Stop the hyperactivity in your brain? Harness this “superhuman” power of yours? I certainly don’t think taking prescription amphetamine is a good solution. Maybe find another way to just mellow out? You drink chamomile tea? haha that stuff ain’t no drug and it helps me calm down a little. Idk, maybe try more psychadellics, a good mushroom trip will certainly make you more self aware and perhaps that will better help you understand this scenario of yours.

Move man, take a trip and travel. That gets you out of your own head. Living somewhere new will ensure you have bigger things to worry about (like finding your way around a new town without getting jumped haha) This might help.

Or maybe you just need a heavy dose of “man the fuck up”, sounds like this thing started in your head. Sounds like it could all be in your head. Knock it out dude, nip it in the bud, kill it with a quick punch one two.

Whatever your deal, hope you do feel better.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I have found solutions to many problems along the road, trying to cure this sickness or whatever it is. Sharing them is just common decency.
I do have my life figured out and under control, except for this shit that happens once or twice a year.

As for your other suggestions… did you read the OP before replying?

I am manning the fuck up thank you. But it’s not enough to defeat this monster any time soon.

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Anonymous (175) (@) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I find it funny he is seeking compassion here, but then is hardly the most congenial of people lol..

He’d tell me to “fuck off”..as if this will or can prevent me from posting lol.. I don’t think he’s as confident as he makes out, I don’t care it’s only a stranger online..

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Seeking compassion? I was merely asking for advice. If I wanted compassion for some stupid reason… I’d just ask family and friends. Have you heard of such things?

“He told me to fuck off boohoo” look at you seeking sympathy, and then claiming I’m the one doing it. Priceless.
So despite me being a stranger on the internet, you can’t just not care? You gotta keep posting shit that nobody wants to read… and you say you don’t care haha. You’re a fucking joke.
I bet you get a kick out of this shit, fruitlessly trying to hurt people through the internet. Pathetic. You have issues.

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Anonymous (175) (@) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

er….no lol.. yes, I have family and friends…duh… lol..

Just your assured persona and then nonsense like this thread is amusing. I honestly don’t care, we humans have numerous motivations for doing things. In this case, I’m having fun whilst rounding my shift at work and planning what I need/want from life….yes, work and foresight, evil..eh?

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hero0ftime (0) (@walker1474) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

I don’t know, but if you think if it this way, if you use something it’ll eventually run out, just an idea, maybe a vacation or something will help, i don’t know how your experiences relate to mine, just don’t let anyone pressure you on how to run your life, those people you feel as annoying and fake probably are in some way or another, i wouldn’t be scared of being judged by them, you gotta take action, nothing is gonna change if you stay the same, start a project? i started looking into hydroponics, i’ll probably start that soon, i just need some grass from outside, yeah you gotta really expend yourself sometimes, that’s how shit gets done.
maybe dissociatives would help such as dextromethorphan, this can really detach you
and it gives you a different perspective, it’s almost psychedelic, your like a detached outsider viewing through eyes, no pain or agitation, it can change how you view things, example, a really annoying person is viewed as nothing, it doesn’t affect you in anyway whatsoever when it usually would make you rage, just do your own research, gravol can make you sleep but i don’t think these are considered ‘medications’ and can have other effects on blood pressure, which most drugs that change your mood do.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

It’s not about the subjective aspect. I felt like the song needed a renovation, those 60s records tend to sound like shite, and I envisioned how cool the song would be if it was clean and overprocessed like a modern rock song. Sounded even worse.

The Scarlett stuff is awesome, my buddy has it.
Funny sidenote, I just ruined a perfectly fine Bs-20, bent the circuits thinking it would make the thing sound less boring. Now it sounds terrible.

I’ve already written a whole bunch of songs like that in the last couple of days, it does help to some degree, but it’s not working miracles.
Few things are as funny as aggression though.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

A vacation? From what?
I’m already isolated in the woods by the way.

What makes you think I’m letting anyone pressure me into anything. Why would I do that?

Everyone is fake it seems, tragicomedy at its finest eh… I just can’t stand it.
I don’t need another project, and I don’t need more change, that shit is already handled. If it was something like that, I’d have it figured out many years ago.

How many times would one have to tell you that drugs don’t work before you understand what that simple sequence of words means?
DXM sucks anyway.. And if I wanted dissociation I could just meditate.
When I say drugs don’t work, I mean drugs don’t work. I’ve used substances you probably would never consider trying, and substances you’ve probably never heard of. I wouldn’t say it doesn’t work if I didn’t know for a fucking fact that it doesn’t. And that applies not only to drugs, but also to meditation and cure-alls and all that jazz. I wouldn’t ask for help if I hadn’t tried it all.

How would you know how I usually react to things? That’s right, you have no clue. Usually NOTHING would make me rage.

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YHVH (462) (@spaceghost) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Fuck DXM.

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hero0ftime (0) (@walker1474) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

idgaf, it was just an idea, doesn’t affect me, i already said i know nothing about you, i just gave you a nice summary of what has worked in the past, as for any substances, don’t even go there, those are last resorts and anyone can do them, as long as their not allergic or anything, i’m not impressed nor am i impressed about the 40+ mind altering substances (or drugs, whatever you wanna call them) i did, if you don’t like my advice don’t take it, you mentioned you had some form of distraction before, that’s all i was giving you, another forms of distraction, so what if i got a sense of humor?
i forgot to mention that i suffered from depression about 2 years, and i got over it by myself, not with direct help from other people.
anyways i got some stuff to do, i’ll check out this topic later, maybe i’ll have some sort of epiphany by then, peace out, bro.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

“There’s no comedy without conflict.” – Mime from HE

I miss that marvelous fucker.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

Love, man. Love. The Beatles knew and pissed off everyone. That’s how you piss the world off when there’s something so obviously wrong with it. That’s how you stop the tormenting agony. Piss them the fuck off with love.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 7 years, 6 months ago ago

You suffered from depression for 2 years? That’s so much, bro, I don’t know how you’re still alive and not whining for the rest of your days. This is history. I’ve had 4 near death experiences without the need to mention it. Do you seriously think it’s great to be bragging about how you got over being a bitch?? Chop firewood and aim for your head, master.

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