I am an insecure, anxious, jealousy consumed, delusional 23 yr old

North (@north) 8 years, 11 months ago

I feel like I have to apologize right off the bat for posts like this, because they are common, they are depressing, and I know that I have delusions and emotional issues. But the pain is so severe, and I want it to stop so bad. This site was always somewhere I could come where I felt people would understand how I was thinking. But after making posts like this before, I am afraid it is just a useless exercise and will detract from the happiness of those reading it. But I can’t think of anything else to do right now.

My loneliness is becoming unbearable. I used to fantasize about what it would be like to really love someone. I would imagine myself kissing her, making her breakfast, and I would imagine how great that would feel. And the fantasy made me feel good. But it’s not happening. I can’t connect with anyone. I can remember when I was younger, and there were girls that I would like, you know high school love. But I could never show it. I can remember thinking back then, ‘why can’t you just show it, say it, she’s right there. Why are you so afraid of saying you like her? Why are you afraid she’s going to reject you?’ I made excuses, but I hated myself for it.

But I always had hope. I always thought that I was just holding out, and I would eventually just know what to do. But it’s not happening, and the confusion, frustration, anger, and jealousy has only grown stronger. I see all the people that were dating in high school and college (as well as everyone else in the goddamn world my age), and they’ve continued dating other people, or gotten married.

I no longer love anyone. Not my parents, not my sister, not anyone. Because I had that fantasy. That stupid fucking fantasy was so powerful, and I was convinced that was how love felt because it felt so good to think about. And if I just had that love, it would make me happier in general, thereby feeling love for my friends and family. But it never does, and without that hope, that fantasy, I have no motivation. I don’t call my friends or my family. I don’t enjoy music anymore. I can’t relax. I am consumed by the embarrassment of never being in a relationship and the fear that I will be alone forever. I know people say that you shouldn’t rush into dating. But It’s not a fucking fairy tale. It’s something that takes practice, failure, and commitment, right? The idea that I would eventually just feel like it is not happening. And the worst part is, I swear that all I want is sex right now. I just want to get it out of my system so fucking bad. I want to have daily sex, I just fucking want it for a god damn week, just to know what it’s like to come home everyday to sex. But I can’t get it. I don’t know how to ask. If I’m forward about it, I’m an asshole guy just using women. If I’m not forward, I’m an insecure loser who doesn’t have the confidence to turn a woman on. So I can’t attract girls who are into casual sex, but I don’t feel any emotional connection to anyone. And I can’t lie and say that I do. I just can’t. What is wrong with my brain? I hate myself so fucking much.

The anger inside me is overwhelming. I try to meditate, I try exercising, but everything seems pointless without sex because I’ve fantasized about it for so long. I’ve had my fun times with friends, drugs, movies, music, sports….I’ve exhausted the entertainment I get from them. Sex is all I can think about. I’ve had my share of sexual experiences, but every single one was alcohol induced. It was the only way I could get over my insecurity. But the next morning, when I had to confront her with my real self, she knew. She knew I didn’t care, she knew I didn’t know what I wanted. I could see it in her face. But now I can’t even drink. I become incredibly depressed and can’t even function for the next two days. I’m so lost, I’m so lonely, I hate myself so much. I don’t know what to do. How did this happen. I can’t keep my head up anymore. That fantasy was all I had.

I see everyone else, EVERYONE else has a partner, and they are happy. I know that’s delusional, but every time I hear someone complain, I just think, “Fuck, at least you have someone to go home to.” My god the jealousy. Every time I see a pretty girl with a guy, it is a fucking ordeal to get past the jealousy. It is physically painful. It hurts so bad. What is wrong with me. I am fucking subhuman.

And tomorrow I have to get up again. I have to get up, go to my shit job, come home, sit in my pain until the next day, go back to work, come home. I can’t take it anymore. I am so lonely, so anxious, so fucking jealous. I am starting to truly believe I am a worthless, and even a bad person. I’m selfish, self absorbed, lazy, arrogant, and narcissistic. What happened. Where did my soul go? I just want it to stop.

October 18, 2013 at 8:35 pm
inna (95) (@paintedbeings) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

I think writing all this out is going to give you a lot of perspective, and you get get further by reversing all of your statements in present tense but making them what you want to be/ wish you were/ would like to ideally be. Re-state a few things and let that sink in – see if you can identify with that stated in present tense and how it makes you feel. The fucked up mess is going to slowly untangle itself, that much I can tell you so far.

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Patrick Phillips (19) (@crossingtheeventhorizon) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

What the fuck have you done to change the things you don’t like about yourself? It seems like you look at the people who have what you want as if it all just came to them. Maybe it did for some, most probably had to put some effort into it. In your case, its obviously not going to come without effort, and it doesn’t sound like you try very hard. In your own words, you’re “selfish, self-absorbed, lazy, arrogant, and narcissistic.” Those aren’t qualities that attract women.

Also, if you’re bored of drugs and still suffer from issues like this, you haven’t done the right drugs.

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hi ellen (4) (@equalsd) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

had fun reading this. so you’re not useless. very thoughtful
hit on more girls if you care this much?

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Josh (1) (@kwiksotik) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north,
When I read this post, I see someone who needs to forgive them-self. It sounds like you are being incredibly cruel to yourself. Try to start respecting yourself and being nice to yourself first, then you can worry about your relationships with others. All of us experience these emotions in varying degrees, but it is important to not let them control you and bring you down. There is so much to you that you are ignoring because you are only focusing on the negative. There is a flip side to every coin, maybe it’s time to turn yours over.

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Eric (1,819)M (@blankey) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, The fact that you noticed this is the first step. The first step all of us need to take in order for some real change to occur. To change once noticed is the arguably harder part. You will tell yourself tomorrow, now is okay… until you realize now is all you have. There is no tomorrow.

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Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@crossingtheeventhorizon, or, ya know he could just….not do drugs. That works too.

@north
, what things are you interested in? Like…what kind of person are you looking for? (Ik that sounds weird. But im asking to determine the best location to find said woman) or you could try online dateing.

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Joseph (114) (@warriors41) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, I often feel exactly like this. The advice I give myself is Be Patient. Forget about others the only person that matters to you is you! So forget about other people giving you happiness, find it within yourself. Find a way to love yourself. You share love not by exchanging emotions, or actions or whatever. You share it by each having it and letting each other enjoy their own love. Something like that. Also, if you dislike your job I recommend trying to find an alternative way of life. My job pays minimum but I enjoy it lots, and this has had a very positive effect on my life. Find something to do that you love, making art, music, walking, running, talking to people, helping people, anything. And spend your time doing it. Be patient. Like the Tool song.

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Patrick Phillips (19) (@crossingtheeventhorizon) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@stick2skript, I’m sure you really know what you’re talking about.

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Filip (2,818)M (@filipek) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, No need to apologise mate, we are here to help each other. It seems to me that in the first place you need somebody to talk to. Have you ever considered visiting a therapist? Maybe that would be the first step for you, to have somebody with whom you could regularly talk about these things, somebody with expertise in the field who can guide you in the right direction. It takes a lot more than a few paragraphs to understand where your problems are coming from. At this point I would just advise you to find somebody with whom you are comfortable talking about these things, because it is not 1 issue you are talking about here, but many. Feel free to vent your thoughts here, that can definitely be of help as well.

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ZenCowboy (179) (@zencowboy) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, “I am an insecure, anxious, jealousy consumed, delusional 23 yr old”

You were.
You’re not anymore.
You have begun your journey. This person you think you are, is now a fading mirage of your once former self.

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James Veritas (30) (@Vanguard) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, Thank you for sharing. It takes strength to say what you have. I’ll shoot you my number in a PM. Next time you are feeling alone, unsure what to say ( I do okay with the ladies ) feeling down, you text me. I’m almost always working or training, but I’ll make it a priority to get back to you asap. How can you expect someone to love you, when you cannot love yourself? I have experience anger, and I have turned it into my greatest strength. The first step is to control your emotions, they do not control you. The strength to become who you want to be, is already inside of you, it’s time to bring it out. It is in our nature to stay the same, until the pain of staying stagnate exceeds the pain of change. If you are as serious about this as I am, then there is nothing stopping you.

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Anonymous (8) (@) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, You’re relying on outside sources for your happiness. It sounds like you NEED to be in a relationship to be happy, which is the exact opposite of the case. You need absolutely nothing to be happy but to look inside yourself and figure out who you really are. Take this depression and use it as a stepping stone to become something greater. Independent and beautiful. You can only love others when you have learned to love everything about yourself first.

Congratulations on reaching the first step. It’s a long, lonely, and difficult road. But it was designed that way so you could actually learn something from it. No distractions. When you can enjoy the time you have by yourself and with no contact with anybody else, then maybe you can start building relationships with other people.

The positive light that emerges as a result of this trial is like a beacon to the universe. Anyone on the same frequency will resonate with you, and you will never know a love more pure. Be it family, friends or women.

Take this emotion and grab a hold of it. Examine it and really try understand why you feel the way you do. THEN, instead of wallowing in it either change your situation, or learn to accept it. Because in the end that’s all you can do in order to move on and begin enjoying life again.

I’m kind of all over the place and rambly but I hope I was able to get my point across.
Learn to love yourself before you try to love anybody else.

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lifegamer (28) (@lifegamer) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

Well, North, ya got some savory morsels of Love from here & a Lifeline thrown directly in your face by James…Instead of simply reading & saying “How nice”, how about getting off yer toocus & re-vamping with the tools & good advice thusfar? It’s a “YOU gotta Be/Do” thing goin’ on with Life.

Ever hear the saying “You’ll see it when you believe it”?(Wayne Dyer…excellent book of same title, btw). I’m sure you already know how to turn your socks & tees inside out, now practice on doing such of your Self. Heed the Love being sent thru here & re-write your story as suggested, & call on James’ offering. You took the re-cognizing step & examined what you have become of experience to-date…Now MOVE to become of NOW & this experience…It’s a fabulous re-conditioning process you are being motivated into!

I’m calling you out to take the challenge(s) presented…but, please feel free not to do anything of the sort…YOUR choice entirely.

Courage, Darlin’…I wish you strength of heart & mind & body to be more today than yesterday, and even grander of tomorrows…Good Journey!<3

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Scarlet Wall-flower (14) (@stick2skript) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@crossingtheeventhorizon, what do you mean?

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Rev (3) (@jdelarosa8) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

ok. tell yourself the positive antonyms of the negative words you’ve used to describe yourself. for example, tell yourself you are a confident, calm, appreciative, and clear-minded person. pretend that you are living someone else’s life who is really all of those things, and before you become jealous of someone else’s possessions or accomplishments, you can tell yourself that for that moment you are someone else who cannot feel jealousy, you can appreciate what others have accomplished. and by doing this you may realize that being that person you want to be really isn’t that hard when you’re not attaching past events to a choice being made in the present. to feel jealousy or anxiety or any emotion is all a choice we make every moment of feeling. just know that you are a wonderful creation meant to be exactly as u r and that no one else has to know that but you for u to feel confident. it’s all a choice, so i’d say just start making decisions that create the u that u already r deep within. u want to be a person with positive attributes because that’s who you really r, just stop fighting it and choose to act as u were meant to.

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jgreen (35) (@andropar) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@north, you are 23 years old, my uncle met his wife when he was 28. You have all your life in front of you to get your shit together and change yourself, so why don’t you just fucking do it? If you notice “Hey, I’m being quite an asshole atm” just get over your self and apologise, it’s not like you’re bipolar or something, you have control over what you do.

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North (22) (@north) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

@paintedbeings,@kwiksotik, @warriors41, @lifegamer, @jdelarosa8, @chadbeland, @vanguard, @zencowboy, @equalsd

Hey guys, thank you for the advice and objective observations. It’s amazing to me that people with their own lives and problems will still sit down to write real, heart-felt advice to someone like me (even “hit on more girls”, which may be the kind of action I need to take).

I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in a state wherein I berate myself, give up too easily, tell myself I am defined by my failures and shortcomings. I have also let my jealousy and confusion grow into a very real and debilitating creature that saps my energy and fogs my mind. It’s been noticeably worse the past three years as I was finishing school. Even when I am sitting doing nothing, by mind is constantly active, reinforcing the negative thoughts. It’s fucking exhausting, affects my short term memory, and has created a minor case of agoraphobia.

Have you guys ever had a time in your life when you were constantly thinking? I mean thinking so much that you didn’t even know who you were anymore, and you questioned every action you took and questioned your true motivations? I have tried so hard to think my way through these issues, trying to determine cause and effect. But life is so complex that every time it ends in more confusion. This leads to fear. What if I can’t determine the cause of my problems? Then they will never be solved, and I will end up alone and old and I will die full of regret. That’s a lot to carry around every single hour of every day (which is why I just chose to get high when I got home every day). Now I’m facing these thoughts, facing loneliness, facing the real world for the first time, without the help of weed to distract myself from the pain (I”m job hunting).

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Evan (4) (@CitizenGatsby) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

I think the problem here is this fantasy you talk about. You’re glamorizing sex and relationships too much, you’re mind is making them seem much more amazing then they really are. Don’t get me wrong, It’s a great feeling to fall in love and having a significant other, but it’s not like the movies. You’re judging you’re self worth on something as silly as having a girlfriend because, please don’t take this the wrong way, you’re life doesn’t have any meaning, you don’t really stand for anything. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say but let me explain. You don’t have a passion for anything, weather it be music, film, writing, or literature. You haven’t found you’re calling, you haven’t found yourself. So what I invite you to do is find you’re passion, follow what inspires you. You mentioned you like music, don’t treat music like simple entertainment, pick up an instrument and learn to play, write songs. It doesn’t have to be art it can be anything, gardening, working out, fixing cars, cooking, anything. Be a man with purpose. The trick with woman ( if you can even call it a trick ) is to not try and attract them, because the more you try, the harder it is to attract them. Contrary to what most woman would say they don’t want a man who puts them in the center of his world, it’s too much pressure for her. They want a man with purpose, life goals, aspirations for the future, a man how can stand on his own feet without her support. Fall in love with yourself before you try and fall in love with someone else.

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Rev (3) (@jdelarosa8) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

yes i have felt that way,and looking back i know that’s where my pursuit of enlightenment started. i can’t say i’ve reached it yet, but every day i’m amazed at how much i’ve grown. at least now i can honestly say i love and accept myself and others fully. that in itself is wonderful. what you have is a want for change, use that to propel u forward. congratulations, you’ve already made the first step.

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Kyle (27) (@kylerbbrowning) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

I believe North, that all this pain and suffering your going through, is going to turn you into one of the most genuine ,kind and understanding person out there, time will soon reveal that for you.
Go [email protected],

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Kyle (27) (@kylerbbrowning) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

Why of course it is, ofcourse it is @citizengatsby,

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AllysonDayle (3) (@allysondayle) 8 years, 11 months ago ago

I wonder where your from. Maybe you’re just not meeting the right people.

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PeaceRiot (178) (@peaceriot) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

Life can be a nightmare or it can be a game. Message me if you still feel this way.

I’m 25 and I have felt that way in the past. There is a truth to Blink 182’s song as lame as it is.. “Nobody like you when you’re 23.”

I felt the same thing. I felt like when I was reading this post I was reading my own writing.

Feelings are powerful and will keep you exactly where you feel you are. I hope that you’re happy.

I’m writing to see how you’re doing now. I took a break from this website for a year or two to become more aware.

GOOD NEWS, THE SHORT TERM MEMORY IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!! 

I used to think I had that I had short term memory loss too and I blamed it on drug abuse but our minds are more powerful than you think and short term memory loss is improved with an increase of focus and practicing the habit of memory commitment. 

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Persona (1) (@persona) 7 years, 1 month ago ago

I know this post is old but I’ve just read it and I can say I feel fairly identified with it. So i’d like to know how you worked it out if you did. It’s difficult to convince your brain that what seems to be the solution to all your suffering is actually not, especially when you feel really bad. I am aware another person isn’t the key to feeling alive, what i truly find confusing is which way to go in order to stop feeling this way

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Psy_Vyoma (1) (@Prajwal) 7 years, 1 month ago ago

Wtf mate, you actually connected with me after I read this thread. Foremost rule is that you first have to come out this trauma, which desperately makes you want to be in a relationship, which is absolute blunder.This point of your age is the right time to make your life changing decisions and about your future. Firstly try to understand what kind of a person you are, and then learn to respect yourself. At one point of my life i went desperately psychic to indulge myself in a relationship, and all of them failed, there was one point where i decided that anymore i cant be relation so called “just friends” with girls, more i talk to a girl, the next thing i would think of being in a relationship with a her. Mate, there are so many other beautiful things in life that needs to be done at this point of time, just take a U turn from the point where you see and feel about yourself now, and go in the same track with a different positive vibe and by replacing your thought processing filter with bliss, and creative thoughts. Don’t crave for sex, let it happen when it needs to. Life has its own high mate, we all just need to synthesize them on the go. And yes, who knows about the future, you might get a much better girl than what you have wished for till date. Don’t let yourself fall in the trap of desperacy, go with the flow, cheers.

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