I feel like I have to apologize right off the bat for posts like this, because they are common, they are depressing, and I know that I have delusions and emotional issues. But the pain is so severe, and I want it to stop so bad. This site was always somewhere I could come where I felt people would understand how I was thinking. But after making posts like this before, I am afraid it is just a useless exercise and will detract from the happiness of those reading it. But I can’t think of anything else to do right now.
My loneliness is becoming unbearable. I used to fantasize about what it would be like to really love someone. I would imagine myself kissing her, making her breakfast, and I would imagine how great that would feel. And the fantasy made me feel good. But it’s not happening. I can’t connect with anyone. I can remember when I was younger, and there were girls that I would like, you know high school love. But I could never show it. I can remember thinking back then, ‘why can’t you just show it, say it, she’s right there. Why are you so afraid of saying you like her? Why are you afraid she’s going to reject you?’ I made excuses, but I hated myself for it.
But I always had hope. I always thought that I was just holding out, and I would eventually just know what to do. But it’s not happening, and the confusion, frustration, anger, and jealousy has only grown stronger. I see all the people that were dating in high school and college (as well as everyone else in the goddamn world my age), and they’ve continued dating other people, or gotten married.
I no longer love anyone. Not my parents, not my sister, not anyone. Because I had that fantasy. That stupid fucking fantasy was so powerful, and I was convinced that was how love felt because it felt so good to think about. And if I just had that love, it would make me happier in general, thereby feeling love for my friends and family. But it never does, and without that hope, that fantasy, I have no motivation. I don’t call my friends or my family. I don’t enjoy music anymore. I can’t relax. I am consumed by the embarrassment of never being in a relationship and the fear that I will be alone forever. I know people say that you shouldn’t rush into dating. But It’s not a fucking fairy tale. It’s something that takes practice, failure, and commitment, right? The idea that I would eventually just feel like it is not happening. And the worst part is, I swear that all I want is sex right now. I just want to get it out of my system so fucking bad. I want to have daily sex, I just fucking want it for a god damn week, just to know what it’s like to come home everyday to sex. But I can’t get it. I don’t know how to ask. If I’m forward about it, I’m an asshole guy just using women. If I’m not forward, I’m an insecure loser who doesn’t have the confidence to turn a woman on. So I can’t attract girls who are into casual sex, but I don’t feel any emotional connection to anyone. And I can’t lie and say that I do. I just can’t. What is wrong with my brain? I hate myself so fucking much.
The anger inside me is overwhelming. I try to meditate, I try exercising, but everything seems pointless without sex because I’ve fantasized about it for so long. I’ve had my fun times with friends, drugs, movies, music, sports….I’ve exhausted the entertainment I get from them. Sex is all I can think about. I’ve had my share of sexual experiences, but every single one was alcohol induced. It was the only way I could get over my insecurity. But the next morning, when I had to confront her with my real self, she knew. She knew I didn’t care, she knew I didn’t know what I wanted. I could see it in her face. But now I can’t even drink. I become incredibly depressed and can’t even function for the next two days. I’m so lost, I’m so lonely, I hate myself so much. I don’t know what to do. How did this happen. I can’t keep my head up anymore. That fantasy was all I had.
I see everyone else, EVERYONE else has a partner, and they are happy. I know that’s delusional, but every time I hear someone complain, I just think, “Fuck, at least you have someone to go home to.” My god the jealousy. Every time I see a pretty girl with a guy, it is a fucking ordeal to get past the jealousy. It is physically painful. It hurts so bad. What is wrong with me. I am fucking subhuman.
And tomorrow I have to get up again. I have to get up, go to my shit job, come home, sit in my pain until the next day, go back to work, come home. I can’t take it anymore. I am so lonely, so anxious, so fucking jealous. I am starting to truly believe I am a worthless, and even a bad person. I’m selfish, self absorbed, lazy, arrogant, and narcissistic. What happened. Where did my soul go? I just want it to stop.
It would be great to see an update on this now, to check in with how you’re doing! It sounded like you just needed to delve deeper into your spirituality, in order to connect with loving yourself again. Two people join together out of their mutual awareness of abundance, not lack. When you meet someone out of such a stage of desperation, they are also in some sort of lack. The result of such a union usually ends in chaos.