I am angry.
This is a rant.
I can’t believe in love or beauty or passion or goodness or God or hapiness or peace and I don’t know what to do with my life in the absence of these ideas. I have tried just doing absolutely nothing and I have tried just seeking pleasure. I find no meaning in anything. I try to look within and out in the world for signs of these things and I find nothing that I can trust and put my faith in. It is tremendously agonizing. I had read a lot and I still find no answers. I have had a headache for months and months.
@anjelica, i suggest start by dreaming, just think a hell of a lot and youll soon realise what you want to spend your time doing. go somewhere quiet and be alone for a while.
personally i like washing the dishes, this is a great peaceful time where i can contemplate life!
Trust in who you are and put faith in your abilities. Don’t let other people change the way you see yourself. Stay true, thats important. The world is filled with fascinating creatures and beautiful places. You just haven’t found the ones that suit you yet. Make a small trip out of town, spend some time alone. Just a bunch of silly suggestions :)
Oh, and you should get that headache checked!
Stop seeking it, start being it.
Stop seeking happiness- because that’s exactly what is stopping you from being happy.
Stop seeking peace- because that’s what’s stopping you.
To be at peace you have to let go of the seeking mentality and allow yourself to be.
Your rant above is your story of who you are being. Change everything you wrote into a story where you have all the things you want, in a way which you are not wanting or seeking it no more, but instead being it.
Tell yourself you are happy and at peace and that nothing bothers you. Tell yourself that that is who you are really being. Create a habit out of it, re-program yourself… in the same way you conditioned yourself to be the way you ranted above, you can condition yourself to be and express the opposite of it. Every time you notice yourself rant about stupid useless shit that does not serve you, like the rant you wrote above, in that instant change it to the opposite positive. Do that 24/7 and start expanding!
I believe in anger. Some people are so afraid of expressing their natural negative thoughts, because of all the bullshit they were fed up with about staying positive, that they become neurotic if they fail to follow the most sensitive assholes.
Unfortunately this fake positive bullshit is here to stay and keep making people neurotic and make them angry, even lost, just because they won’t be able to express how they feel really, so they start wondering if there’s something wrong with them. That happens all the time, I’m not sure if anyone realizes that or isn’t much of a pussy to admit, but… What’s bad really is idiots preaching stuff they learned desperately while they hope they could help someone without even getting attached to them by simple realness. (Like idiots on this site all the time).
Fake people with more questions than helpful answers, preaching their bullshit to be respected. :) This is a rant too. Although I’m angry all the time and it makes me contagiously happy, because it’s normal.
The only thing you can really trust is sincere emotions. That’s hard to find on the internet.
@anjelica, This is a long response but I hope you read it :)
You posted something similar not too long ago and I remember. You’re not ranting, you have expressed how you feel quite coherently.
I guess I’m a little worried about you, you are clearly at a crossroads and it’s important you stay afloat. I was there once upon a time too and I assure you it gets better. It really is all about mindset. I waited for a miraculous change, but what I really did was let myself agonise over the perceived mediocrity of my life for most of my late teens to early twenties. I’m glad I had that period because it forced me to think about who I am, and what makes me happy. But it was a dangerous path and I did some pretty reckless things to just feel… alive!
In the end the answer was surprisingly simple. I found contentment in just being me and having what I have. It sounds like a copout but regardless of that you will find this out for yourself one day. My grandfather always used to tell me to just go with the flow when I told him about me being depressed or unmotivated. His life was hard. He grew up in the depression, went to war and became an alcoholic when he returned – but he was always intelligent and had presence of mind. I never really thought “go with the flow” was good advice until he passed away and I was forced to do things on my own. I realised what he was really trying to say was to enjoy the journey. It sounds like such a shit thing to hear when you are feeling the way you do, but I have faith you’ll discover this independently with time and the experience of a range of emotions.
Society has a tendency to build us up to make us think there’s more – wealth, careers, social status, popularity. All there really is in the journey and presence of mind, you can attain these material things and you still won’t be happy.
I’ve seen your posts and you seem very articulate and intelligent. The things you describe remind me of where I was it. Maybe you’re thinking too much, don’t let your over thinking and negative thought patterns determine who you are. Switch off and just go with the flow ;)
@anjelica, I was just about to post a rant of my own, but you beat me to it. :0) And I’m feeling you this morning. I was going to title mine, “Who the/What the hell are we anyway?” re: Existential angst. Ha! It started for me around the age of 11 when I realized that I was going to die one day. That sucked big time! Pretty much ended my childhood, and up arose the universal question: “Well, if I’m going to die one day, then why am I here to begin with?” And, thus was launched a 47 year odyssey of exploration, study and trying things on. Heck, even up to yesterday I was continuing Buddhist studies, and just in that field I could easily spend the rest of my life there is SO much out there and the Buddha taught for 45 years and there are volumes upon volumes of all that. Anywayz, what has any of this have to do with your post? I think I’ve reached this point a few times in this life (including a couple of bouts with depression – please don’t go there). I mean, with all of the studying and research I’ve done I have on many occasions just, like, said f**k it! and thrown it down and walked away, to just try to “live”, to exist. I mean, the birds out in the world, they don’t worry about all this shit – they just be birds, you know? And I can identify with a feeling of being like a ship just bobbing around on the sea without a rudder – no direction, not headed in any direction – just bobbing around – no control. Feel like that, ever: “and I don’t know what to do with my life in the absence of these ideas”? It might be a GREAT step in your life, actually, in that you recognize these things as just not “it” for you, but the drawback may be “so NOW what the *bleep* do I do?” You also write, “and I find nothing that I can trust and put my faith in”. Whew, thing is, @angelica, try not to despair. That’s key, and of course easy for me and anyone else to say. Perhaps the things that don’t mean anything that used to, you were attached to and you realize that you don’t “need” them as far as them being totally vital to your contentment in your existence. Of course peace and happiness are awesome aspects of one’s self, and I hold that we are born happy and perfect – our awareness of these innate qualities just get lost along the way and covered up by the bs we are told and taught. What if it’s okay that you just be. Not be “you” or carry any label – just “be”. One thing that Mooji said that caught my attention, in responding to someone, he stated, “I am not answering you from knowledge, I am answering you from Beingness.” Maybe check out the website of this teacher and explore – maybe you’ll come across something, or, maybe at this point you wish to drop the teachers, videos and books. All they do is simply point at what you already know inside. Like the Zen saying, “the finger pointing at the moon is not the moon.” But, this is too long and I feel rambling and disjointed, so I apologize for that, but do wish you peace within. Peace, Love & Light ~ ricky
@rickyferdon, Friend, our posts are eerily similar in message, posted almost at the same time but coming from different angles/experiences. I take my hat off to you!
@anjelica, Like Ricky says, the teachings of Buddhism have a lot to offer you. I am not a buddhist but I was surprised just how much their lines of thinking corresponded to my own. It’s a great place to start!
@stefan is so beyond right, i felt the way you did until i realized the seeking was what was holding me back. take this for example: I WANT HAPPINESS. take away the I, because that’s ego. now take away the want, because that’s desire. what are you left with? until you let go completely of your ego and desires, you will never be able to be your grandest vision of yourself. my suggestion to you (and it’s just a suggestion, but it worked for me) is to stop comparing yourself to others! stop comparing what you have to what others have. because you probably know from experience, what people look/act like on the outside may not always be how they are feeling on the inside. everyone will take their own path. just remember you need to experience the darkness in order to fully appreciate the light. hang in there! it gets better i promise.
I REALLY appreciate all of your in depth responses.
I find that many of the teachings of the past philosophers and spiritual seekers resonate with me, but nothing does all the way. In the end, I know I need to accept that I am the only one who can decide for myself my beliefs about meaning.
The main reason this is hard for me is because I have been seeking and seeking and have lost my inner voice and compass I once believed in. I have lost all sense of a heart or soul within me. I just feel like a body with a brain. I want to build my faith and belief in myself by living life, experiencing, acquiring knowledge and skills, creating- but i am too preoccupied with meaninglessness and spiritual seeking to act on the escapades I feel most called to like acting, fitness, modeling, nature, cooking, foreign languages, traveling, fashion. My seeking trumps all the other things. Ironically the other things are what would bring me answers most likely…
A large part of my dilemma in reasoning about spirituality is this practice of letting go of the ego. I have read about it to some extent, but other people’s ideas of completely surrendering to your individual existence to vibrate with the energy of the universe seems very unsatisfying and doesn’t add up for me. Why do we have an ego defining us if it is meant to be discarded? Why do “I” exist at all if I am meant to not think I exist? I am pretty sure I am misunderstanding some aspect of it, or maybe I really just don’t agree.
Thank you for your respect and insights. Talking with people who empathize and give advice keeps my brain from caving in on itself.. cryptic I know but its my true true truth.. :) Thank you.
FUCK putting your faith in something. Faith is for the weak, the dumb, those who fear reality.
You don’t need any faith, you can support your own weight completely on your own.
Forget about the answers, LIVE the questions, BE the questions.
Take a step back, breathe, chill the fuck out, and go grab the world by its horns like you mean it, and do so joyfully.
Life is the simplest thing, don’t try to make it into something it isn’t, that only leads to suffering.
Fuck faith! Fuck stimulation! Fuck conventional paths! Fuck killing time! Fuck being a tool.
This is YOUR life.
Just do what you want, and you will always be happy.
@anjelica, Hey Awesomely Wonderful sister human being!!! You wrote: “I want to build my faith and belief in myself by living life, experiencing, acquiring knowledge and skills, creating…” Well……. how bout the “BY LIVING LIFE, EXPERIENCING” part? That sums up the great religions, philosophies right there. No need to know them when you can be them – ARE them. Relax into being: eating, sleeping, pooping, smiling, touching, helping – just being. Peace, Love & Light ~ ricky
@beyond, Nice post. There’s joy in anger just as there is joy in sadness. Repressing it has consequences on the nervous system. The body likes to express these emotions. It is crying out for healing. Don’t become addicted to this mechanism.
Anger is tension – it creates hormones that are unhealthy for the cells in your body – you will age. You should probably find out what’s causing it and use the energy that manifests as anger to dissolve it – this will happen on its own by being aware of it in your pain body and letting your subconscious go to work on your nerves. The fact that you are being aware of it is all the intention you need to put into it.
You’ll have a healthier nervous system for it – better moods all the time.
Once you stop believing in ‘god’ you realize death is inevitable and your not going to heaven afterwards and your not going to hell. You will cease to exist but this gives you a reason to wake up everyday, see the beauty in life, and utilize every second you have. No matter what you do your clock is ticking, go do something exhilarating because one day you won’t have the option to.
@anjelica, When you’re stuck in a rut, the best answer is not what to do, but what not to do. And you already know that, technically.
Your actions are the rut, your current habits are the problem. Stop doing those things, do other stuff, could be anything, only then will the real answer come to you.
The answer is in the contrast.
“Keep doing what you’ve always done, and you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.”
Some suggestions for things to try:
1. A real good mind trip. Introspection, hallucinogens, and sex are good methods. Especially when combined.
2. Seek solitude for a while. Just think, meditate, wonder, plan, etc. Be alone with your mind, no distractions.
3. Work out. Really hard. Keep going until the current motion is all that exists to you, and you will find a great calm. It is in such moments that great clarity and ideas come to you.
4. Set a bunch of goals. Could be anything. Health, wealth, love life, whatever. Just set some fucking goals and get it done.
5. Cut the worst bullshit out of your life. TV and things like that are the main culprit. Anything that promotes passivity and distraction should be eliminated from your life, because those things are what keep you going in circles and not dealing with your issues.
Remember from time to time to take a step back, breathe, chill, and not think so much.
And as always, “K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid.”
Feelings of hollowness are not a bad sign, they’re a sign of awareness. The void cannot be filled, not even temporarily, not really. It doesn’t need to be filled. “Void” is our natural state, conscious people will always feel a bit “empty.” It’s not a bad thing, not even a bad feeling. Bad feelings come from your reaction to it, not from the situation itself.
Just get used to it, and you’ll soon find the “void” absolutely lovely.
Stop fighting it, just accept it for what it is and LIVE LIFE FREELY.
When the path is blurry, just keep walking. When the ride is bumpy, just step on the gas. When there’s something in the way, hang on the wheel. Or go full speed ahead and smash right through it.
Don’t hesitate, don’t half-ass your way through life, that’s where all suffering comes from.
Keep your focus clean and enjoy life.
Peace and love
@tine, No I wasn’t looking to talk about the past or anything, but if you had a question about how I got to this place I would gladly answer… it was more hoping someone would understand and help me see the piece I am missing that is keeping me unhappy.
hrm, well, i theorize that what each individual sees as their reality is an accumulation of their knowledge + experience, this forms the perspective, which acts as a translator tool for all the data flowing in,
who the person really is is identified through their actions as the actions rely on the perspective for direction, so in order for me or really anyone to understand, we’d need to know what makes up your perspectives, what actions have you taken or have been taken against you, to help identify the missing piece.