First and foremost, I wpuld like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I am grateful to you.
For the past few years, I have been feeling completely lost. My life currently feels completely devoid if purpose. I am a teacher and, honestly the stress of the job is killing my soul. I wish I could leave it all behind and start over, but I am knee deep in debt with my student loans and car loan. Besides, where would I start?
I feel that I no longer know what moves me, what makes this life worth living. I spend my time off cooped up in my room, watching Netflix, because I no longer feel worthy of being out in public. My past haunts me. I feel anxious and I fear the future, whereas in the past I anticipated it.
In the last few years, the only times when I felt like I had purpose and was safe was when I was in a relationship, which is pretty horrible in itself. It shouldn’t take a relationship for me to feel any of these things.
I thought spending time alone would help me find myself again, but it is not.
I know this sounds awful lot like depression and an anxiety disorder. And, it’s probably exactly what it is. But, I also feel that these illnesses are triggered by life and the way I’ve handled certain situations; situations that I’ve failed to handle properly.
I am sorry if this post is a bit all over the place.
Mate, i feel your feel. I’ve been there, worked through depression and the bla.
But If you’re going to deal with it, you have to start now. Turn off the damn tv for a start, it’s brainwashing you. Not just the tv though now, it’s the whole lot. you’ll have to rewire your thoughts before they start to own you.
All those negative thoughts that haunt you, they’re not you. these are auto-pilot wiring now that need to be broken and re-set. you have the power to over-come.
learn an instrument, and listen to interesting music. new rhythms, new thoughts, new mind.
Take a massive acid or mushie trip by yourself. let go all the parts of yourself that nolonger serve you. create an impromptu ritual. promise yourself that you wont go back on your word. you are not a liar.
be everything that you want to be. eat your greens. buy some new funky socks.
I could just write what people usually write in such cases, but I guess you can find tons of such motivation over the internet, this is kind of closed loop.
Let me just say the truth of what I think. I felt really sad while reading this post. Not for you, as there are tons of people like you over the Internet. Just open Reddit and every third person there has some kind of mental disorder. This just indicates a major problem with at least a fraction of the Western society. Society as a whole – taken as a single organism you happen to belong to. This by itself is not really sad as to me, this is just how that society lives. Is this sickness, is this a part of an ordinary lifecycle of the society – not for me to judge.
What made me really sad while reading this are these children you teach. In my opinion, the job of a teacher is one of the most important in the society. It is your job to shape the minds of the children in your care, and in 10-20 years they will become fully fledged members of the society. Only best of the best should teach children, those who have reached success in life. Sadly, this is not the case, and children do not feel like anybody cares of them and leave school without much knowledge of the life.
With your thoughts on your debts, disorders and other problems, what can you possibly teach them?
In my opinion, one way to you to get the meaning in your life would be to pay attention to your job. Teaching is not at all an ordinary job, where you come to office every day, do useless stuff at the computer and collect your paycheck every month. Teaching defines lives of the little people in your care. Life is highly chaotic and non-predictable – a few wise words from a teacher can change a kid’s fate. Is that not enough to give the meaning to life?
Stop bullshitting yourself. That is one of the best ways to put it. Have accountability of yourself because no one is going to save you. Be realistic and mindul. Awake. Losing weight, wacthing more of this and that, eating healthier, won’t do anything. Make more than what you consume.
Start listening to the duncan trussell family hour podcast. The positivity found there is very powerful. Something I would think about is that these experiences and feelings you are having are part of life. Just because they are negative doesn’t mean they are any less valid than a positive emotion. They go together. When you grow through this, and can look back on it you will have an appreciation for the time spent in agony, as it led you to other times of true joy. Thoughts come and go, let them. take care and gl friend.