I feel estranged from everyone. I crave getting connected and having affection, but I feel I can get it from no one. I don’t know why I’m feeling so disconnected from people and reality. It’s only on shrooms that I feel more grounded and connected to people, but then I feel awkward to them because they probably feel I’m craving affection from them (or is it only paranoia ). I had a girlfriend for 2 years but we left each others 2 months ago, we had both our problems, but she couldn’t stand anymore me being disconnected, emotionally numb and sad, that made her too sad for me. I’m sad because it was one of the only person I felt connected to. I miss her a lot.
I have friends but once again, I wish I was more connected to them and had more affection from them. Family ? I’m the oldest. I only feel close to my brother, I rarely speak with my father, and I sometimes have small conversations with my mother. I have two sisters, I don’t speak that much to one of them, and I sometimes laugh on things with the other one.
There are even moments where I feel I want to have sex with someone to get connected especially to girls (even if it’s obviously not the right way to do thing. I don’t manage to get sex anyway, maybe my body language betrays me and shows my neediness. ) Sometimes, just being touched is enough for me to be like ” WAAAAH, I’ve been touched, I exist !”
I hate being so insecure, I feel like a child craving for his mother arms.
I feel I’m a stranger to this world :( The worst part is there are probably people envying my life, they think I’m that social and have lot of friends and go out all the time.
I do meditation but I feel it’s a distraction, like any other activity ( I compose music on computer and read a lot on several topics). I do hypnosis, I see a CBT therapist, but I feel it’s improving to slowly and temporarily. I tried microdosing iboga, I was more disconnected from reality but I felt well and more cool, compassionate with everything, it taught me to learn to love myself and to take things easily.
I really want to go to the next level. I’m 25 and I feel I’m wasting my time with such misery.
Thank you for any help.
Maybe, joining a class that interests you could help. Distractions are good. Sometimes, you could get noticed for them–like if you read books and someone recognizes them. Anyway, I think you must continue to meditate, and learn to be comfortable in your own company before you expect anyone else to be. I understand feeling aloof from all others, and I, myself, have yet to meet someone that really connected with me. All the same, I continue to be hopeful and appreciate my temporary solitude. Try looking at your situation from different viewpoints. When you realize that you don’t necessarily NEED to be in the company of others, perhaps, someone’ll come along; as they’ll admire your newfound self-confidence.
Keep meditating, but not just when you sit down and breath for however many minutes. Meditate in everything you do. Slow down to observe the inner and outer world whenever you feel yourself becoming tense or frustrated. Really try to embrace the idea that you will be shown what you need to see when you are ready, and not a moment before. And that everything leading up to then is… well… the necessary path that will take you where you need to be. For me, it’s a subtle shift in how I approach each little moment that makes the biggest difference. Slow down, breathe, observe, let go… continue.
We are all children crying for our mothers arms in some way. Find a good yoga studio… not the ones for bouncing around on your mat half naked but a traditional, therapeutic practice. I think for a while you should lay off the substances. It doesn’t seem like the right time for those. Also self massage is an everyday ritual in Ayurvedic medicine, it’s a very good way to love your self.
Without knowing you it’s very hard to help or to try and adequately identify the problem. First of all I think you need to understand yourself why you are feeling so disconnected. I too struggled a lot with a similar issue, feeling disconnected in general, but it was from the spiritual nature. What helped me was finding someone who I talked a lot about people, society and spirituality as well as writing. I used to have my ideas completely jumbled in my head, making it hard to actually understand what were my thoughts and ideas about certain topics and issues. So I started writing down certain ideas I had, making notes, researching about them to better understand myself and structure my thought process. It was nothing short of amazing. To me it works like meditating, I feel like I can put all my restlessness down in words, accurately identify what is troubling me and process them in a structured rational way. Without being my intention I’m on my way to writing a book, even if it’s only for myself.
You mentioned that you only felt connected to people when on mushrooms. Well, first of all I think you need to look at psychedelic drugs from a different angle. I’m no expert, nor have I tried mushrooms (yet), but I did attend ayahuasca cerimonies, with a proper shaman who were taught in the shipibo way: the ritual, chants, language and philosophy. What I want to say is that I think you should stop taking mushrooms on your own and seek guidance from a spiritual healer, who can better assist you with these issues. From this I learned a valuable lesson: before you can receive love from others, you need to fully love yourself and be self sufficient. No one will make you feel connected to others unless you are healthy in your mind, body and soul. A lot of people here made very good suggestions, we reach respond differently to certain activities. Find yourself and then you will be ready to find others, but you need to want it.
What makes you feel disconnected from other people? Do you find them too shallow? Are you always lost in your thoughts? Do you believe it is fair to expect others to be as deep as you are? Live and let live. Accept others as they are. Do you feel you have to connect to other people because that’s what other people do, what culture expects of you? Can’t you find peace within yourself? Meditate on those questions. I’ve been there, probably still am. All activities are distractions; life is unsatisfying; you just have to accept it. Look into Buddhism’s three marks of existence: impermanence, dissatisfaction and no-self. You’ve probably experienced some if not all of them while tripping on magic mushrooms. Explore experience. Be authentic. Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost.
Yes, I sometimes find them shallow, mundane, I must admit that I wish they were more deep (but I can’t force things.)
Maybe also, lost in my thoughts sometimes. It’s true that I’m sometimes too much busy with my emotions to be avalaible to others, it kind of puts a strain on me because I feel obligated to interact.
Maybe also I think I have nothing to share. Sometimes, I think I have nothing interesting to say or to share, or that the other person won’t be interested in what I’m going to say.
Sometimes, I better off alone, at least I feel there is no dissonance between reality and the loneliness I feel.
If you’re alone around people you may simply be around the wrong people, or at least peope who aren’t as fulfilling as you need them to be. I really feel for you because I feel the same. Especially after the break from my boyfriend as well. I’m dating someone else, but it isn’t the same. (Maybe the wrong people situation?) Anyway! I agree with getting out more and trying new things. It may seem dweeby but wearing a shirt of your favorite band or video game, as another said reading your favorite book over around other people may spark a really enlightening conversation. Waiting is also a really good skill to obtain. Just wait, take things slow by observing every observable object around you that can strike thought process. Know that people around you are capable of having an interest in you, all you have to do is signal to them that you’re interested as well. Be genuine as you have by asking for help on this helpful and eye opening site, I can appreciate that, man. :P I wish you good luck fellow comrade! Be well!