I need help, please help me and read.

 FreeLove (@FreeLove) 7 years, 9 months ago

I’m a 19 year old girl born in a place where cultural rules are strictly imposed on us, and a girl’s “image” and “reputation” are highly highly important. But that’s not the problem, I like my my mum, she’s a nice person, great at sacrifices but she’s also a terrible person..Physical and verbal abuse are quite normal (she once threw a knife at me because I told her I did not want to end up like her..) and ever since I was a child she had controlled every aspect of my life (until now she does) and because of this, I had grown up to have no passion whatsoever. I literally have no passion in life, nothing I’m good at doing, and no fixed personality. No personality actually. I lack a lot of emotions, and I’m a very selfish person. I am quite attractive but that’s the only thing there is to me, nothing else. I am becoming a carbon copy of my mother and I’m trying so hard not to be, so so hard, and it’s so hard to break away because I’m always sitting with her (moving out is not an option now). I don’t know what to do with my life, I don’t know anything, I’m not good at anything, I don’t have a personality, I’m a very boring person, I have no passion and the only thing I really want to do which is dance, I can’t because of a back problem…
I don’t know how I want you to help me, I don’t know anything..but please do.

January 26, 2014 at 1:05 pm
Anonymous (53) (@) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

My Mother/My Self: The Daughter’s Search for Identity
by Nancy Friday
the book—>http://www.workman.com/more/algonkian/felicia_sullivan.pdf (an excerpt)
When Nancy Friday began her research for My Mother/My Self in the early 1970’s no work existed that explored the unique interaction between mother and daughter. Today psychotherapists throughout the world acknowledge that if women are to be able to love without possessing, to find work that fulfills them, and to discover their full sexuality, they must first acknowledge their identity as separate from their mother’s. Nancy Friday’s book played a major role in that acceptance. The greatest gift a good mother can give remains unquestioning love planted deep in the first year of life, so deep and anassailable that the tiny child grown to womanhood is never held back by the fear of losing that love, no matter what her own choice in love, sexuality, or work may be.

Through candid self-disclosure and hundreds of interviews, Friday investigates a generational legacy and reveals the conflicting feelings of anger, hate, and love the daughter’s hold for their mothers–and why they so often “become” that mother themselves.(less)

You need to realize that she (mum) isn’t you, and you aren’t her. You are stuck in the tape loop (repitiveness) of renegade memories that keep you from being you. It may well be that you won’t be able to ever completely free yourself from the self sabotage. Stop with the constant restricting self defeating comments. You don’t seem to be unpassionate, untalented, lacking emotions, or boring. If anything, you seem to have a talent for writing, discovery, and analysis. Cut yourself some slack.

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Anonymous (53) (@) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

My Mother/My Self: The Daughter’s Search for Identity
by Nancy Friday
the book—>http://www.workman.com/more/algonkian/felicia_sullivan.pdf (an excerpt)
When Nancy Friday began her research for My Mother/My Self in the early 1970’s no work existed that explored the unique interaction between mother and daughter. Today psychotherapists throughout the world acknowledge that if women are to be able to love without possessing, to find work that fulfills them, and to discover their full sexuality, they must first acknowledge their identity as separate from their mother’s. Nancy Friday’s book played a major role in that acceptance. The greatest gift a good mother can give remains unquestioning love planted deep in the first year of life, so deep and anassailable that the tiny child grown to womanhood is never held back by the fear of losing that love, no matter what her own choice in love, sexuality, or work may be.

Through candid self-disclosure and hundreds of interviews, Friday investigates a generational legacy and reveals the conflicting feelings of anger, hate, and love the daughter’s hold for their mothers–and why they so often “become” that mother themselves.(less)

You need to realize that she (mum) isn’t you, and you aren’t her. You are stuck in the tape loop (repitiveness) of renegade memories that keep you from being you. It may well be that you won’t be able to ever completely free yourself from the self sabotage. Stop with the constant restricting self defeating comments. You don’t seem to be unpassionate, untalented, lacking emotions, or boring. If anything, you seem to have a talent for writing, discovery, and analysis. Cut yourself some slack.

http://www.columbia.edu/~mh2349/papers/mothers%20and%20daughters.pdf

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FreeLove (3) (@FreeLove) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

Thank you, I will give the book a look :)

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Erica (39) (@ericaleeper) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I highly recommend the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle for a crisis like this..or any crisis for that matter!

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FreeLove (3) (@FreeLove) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

What a coincidence, just started reading it a few days ago.

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Erica (39) (@ericaleeper) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

oh wow that’s interesting! Now its got me thinking about the nature of “coincidences’.” What are your thoughts and feelings on it so far?

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MonkeyZazu (1,865)M (@monkeyzazu) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

You are not a shadow. You are your own light. It’s hard to see your own brightness though, when surrounded in the luminescences of another. Start radiating more of your own light, so you can dim more of your mother’s out.

Explore the self. Meditate. Take a personality test to get a better glimpse of your psychological make up. Spend more time figuring out what animates you, brings you to life. If dancing is what you really like to do, regardless of anything, do it. Give it your all. If you find yourself not being able to get around that back problem, have pride in knowing that you gave it your all to at least try to.

Acknowledge everything your mother has done for you, and everything that she hasn’t, and move on with your life. You gotta live your life the best way that you can, and how “you” think you should. It’s your life. Leave all that negativity in the past. Unless your using it constructively as fuel, It’s not really serving you any purpose other than limiting what your truly capable of.

Goodluck :)

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i4c1m2b (70) (@i4CiM2B) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

What can we do to help? We can start by just letting you know that we are listening. We are here. We are fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers and we hear your voice, and some of us can feel your pain. All of us want to be there for you. We all want to encourage you, inspire you, and assist you, each in our own unique way. We will remain with you for as long as it takes you to discover and accept that you are a valuable person, worthy and deserving of a life that is yours. You must gently pry your birthright from your mother’s hands. You may feel alone in this experience but you are not. Around the world, in every nation, every city and every village there are 18 and 19 yr. old teens trying to figure out how to deal with this rite of passage. We can help, and desire to do so, but only so much as you are willing to participate. We need your feedback. Moreover, we need more information about you and the circumstances that are limiting your progress. We are not going to judge you because of who you are, where you live, or any religion that may be involved. Let me begin this dialogue with a couple questions. You did not mention your father. Does he play a role in your life? Does your Government or religion limit you in some way? Do you attend school? What kinds of things does your mother yell at you when she is angry? How about during moments when things are quiet, calm, or when she in a good mood. Do you argue sometimes or is that something that is forbidden by your culture. All these questions have a bearing on how we may be able to assist you. We are waiting to hear from you!

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FreeLove (3) (@FreeLove) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I don’t even know what religion I am involved in anymore, I’m very confused. My dad lives abroad and comes every month for a week (very loyal to mum, great relationship, doesn’t know anything that’s happening but knows that we argue a lot- but he always takes her side)
My government and religion both limit me in ways you cannot imagine, my whole family are Muslims so you can imagine how bad things are and I live in an Arab country, so being a girl basically is worse than being a tree. You cannot express your emotions, you have to modest…etc and moreover I cannot pursue the one thing I really want to which is dancing. I do go to University, and I like it, I like acquiring knowledge but I also haven’t found one major I’m slightly interested in studying, except Psychology which according to my parents will not benefit me in any possible and they’re paying so…
She yells at me about the stupidest, smallest things and sometimes for nothing at all, yesterday she decided to just give me a lecture about how I’m good at nothing in life and how I will never be good at anything and will never find anyone to love me and if I do he will probably run away in a matter of months and so on and on…
When she’s in a good mood, things are okay, but we’re not that close, anything emotional between us is very very awkward. I only hug her for example when I’m traveling for a week or so, and same with my dad and brother. She never told me that she loved me or anything similar to that. Even though, I have to give her credit for that, she is extremely caring and really has made a lot of sacrifices for us.

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i4c1m2b (70) (@i4CiM2B) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

OK Thanks for reply. I sent you a friend request, and will contact you by messaging your mailbox if that is ok. I suspected you lived in Arabic nation and the limitations placed on women by Islam. I did learn something from your recent response. In your original post you say:

“nothing I’m good at doing”, “only thing there is to me, nothing else”, I don’t know anything, I’m not good at anything, I don’t have a personality, I’m a very boring person, I have no passion
I asked what kind of things your mother tells you:

She decided to just give me a lecture about how I’m good at nothing in life and how I will never be good at anything and will never find anyone to love me and if I do he will probably run away in a matter of months and so on and on…

Notice the similarity. Parents everywhere, with out realizing it, are sabotaging the future lives of their children. Do you recall other times in the past when your mother would tell you your no good, you’ll never amount to much, anything along those lines. Write down anything you remember hearing in the past that is related to your worth, your value, you’re no good, you’ll never… It is important that you list them. Once you have exposed them, you will be able to begin the process of removing their influence in your life.
The effect of repeated exposure to these negative ideas is that, unconsciously, you adopt them as beliefs. They join all the other beliefs that you have adopted since you were born. A belief is any thought that is repeated enough times to establish itself within your subconscious. This is all understood in the context of current psychology.
Are you familiar with the phrase “You create your own reality” and the theory and concepts that explain it? How about “Law of attraction”? These two ideas are interrelated and are fairly well known in the west. I do not know how much of any of these subjects you have been exposed to or to what degree so I will wait to hear from you on this. For now, try to put together that list. Think about other people in your past that may have echoed similar negative thinking. Include those things on your list. Access my profile page by clicking my name. Use the “send private message” feature to reply. In the meantime, I will do some research into possible options/suggestions that may help to get more control over your life.
The next time your mother tells you you are no good or will never do this or that, Try responding in a different and unexpected way. You can use the following statement as written or translate it in terms better suited to your circumstances. How you say it is important. You must be firm, clear, concise and with the attitude that what you said is not up for debate or argument. Rather than presenting the image of “the defiant daughter” that she may expect, present it as though you are the parent and she the child. Let your strength come from simplicity. Over time, she will learn that you are clear about where you stand on self-esteem issues. However you want to say it, she should be hearing something like this, and you will need to practice till its imprinted in memory. Just pretend you are an actor preparing for your part in the play. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. For your words to have power they will have to be presented as if coming straight from the heart!

“Mother, you have made it very clear to me that you believe I will never become whatever it is you think I should become, You’ve tried to convince me that I will never amount to much, and that I’ll never find a man to love me. I am all too familiar with your opinions on these matters and you are entitled to your opinion. However, I want to make it perfectly clear to you that I do not agree with your opinions concerning my future. I can and will accomplish whatever I choose to accomplish. I will succeed to whatever degree of success that I desire. What I do with my life, who or what I become is for me alone to decide. And further more, any man who wishes me to be a part of his life, will do so only after I am certain that he respect me and treat me with the same dignity that all women deserve. He will respect my right to make the decisions that will affect my future. He will see me as an equal partner in all ways.”

Any response that attempt to question, debate, or otherwise attack your position should be met with a response similar to the following:

I thought I made myself very clear. Would you like me to repeat myself? My position is clear.
You can choose to support me or continue to doubt me. Either way, my love for you will remain the same.

Repeat, repeat, repeat until she gives up for the day, and then repeat again if she starts up again.
I will send a copy of this reply with a PM to your page.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I feel like I’m not in much of a position to give advice since I too am questing to find myself – therefore I can’t give you advice on how to find something I have not yet found. Still, it sounds like the environment you’re in is abusive, whether it’s the norm or not abuse is still just that.

I saw you said moving out isn’t an option, but maybe you should start thinking long-term. Like perhaps moving to another country that has less strict cultural rules. I seriously think that the stricter a culture is, the more mental health issues it causes. I’d say get out, if not now, then as soon as you possibly can. I don’t see how you could possibly find yourself in a place where everyone is trying to force you to do what they want.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I feel like I’m not in much of a position to give advice since I too am questing to find myself – therefore I can’t give you advice on how to find something I have not yet found. Still, it sounds like the environment you’re in is abusive, whether it’s the norm or not abuse is still just that.

I saw you said moving out isn’t an option, but maybe you should start thinking long-term. Like perhaps moving to another country that has less strict cultural rules. I seriously think that the stricter a culture is, the more mental health issues it causes. I’d say get out, if not now, then as soon as you possibly can. I don’t see how you could possibly find yourself in a place where everyone is trying to force you to do what they want.

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Anonymous (175) (@) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

Sorry to hear you are suffering. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Where do you live perchance?

I think you need to develop your own goals, needs, plans and values.

As for your mother, it seems she’s naturally an abusive person. And IMO, a parent who throws knives at her child is NEVER a nice person. Maybe some may see that as absolutist thinking, however abuse IMO is never justified. I would also say that boring is subjective, we all hold different conceptions of this.

Moreover, you may need to move out. You’re 19, so why not go to university? And far away so you would have to travel? if overseas, all the better.

Concerning your passion, I’d suggest trying as many things as possible. Once you find something that clicks, then go for it.

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Stephani (176) (@dancingscyphozoa) 7 years, 9 months ago ago

I understand your position pretty well, not exactly but pretty well. My mom’s never thrown a knife at me but she’s thrown hair brushes and is so emotionally crippled that I had to support her when MY friend passed away. Thus leaving me more an empty shell than anything…
My best advice is do whatever it takes to get away from your mom. If that means running away, do it, life is so much more beautiful when you’re not forced down like that.
Secondly, don’t label yourself to have no passions and no personality, you can talk and carry a conversation therefore you have some sort of personality! And you really want to dance, that’s a passion! :) May I ask where you live? I know it’d be scary but I’d be willing to help you with a plane ticket because I honestly believe the only thing you can do to keep from loosing your mind is getting out of there.

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