I need to reduce my libido
This is actually a slightly embarrassing thing to post about but I ran out of ideas and I don’t have the money or health coverage to go see a professional. I’m really hoping you guys will have different approaches to my issue.
So here’s my story. I’m a normal 21 year old woman, I grew up in a very Catholic environment were you wait till marriage to have any sexual relations. Ever since I was 6 years old I discovered things about my body that made me feel good. I remember my mom would actually catch me in the act and tell me ridiculous things to make me stop and well it didn’t stop. I probably touched my self every night from ages 6 to 13. Once I turned 13 I decided to be more active in the church because I believed that was my calling. So with direction from a spiritual guide I stopped pleasuring myself, and believe me it was a daily struggle. I got to high school and it seemed to have stopped being a problem, it seemed like the urge had toned down a bit and I felt like a normal teenager. Senior year in high school I met a boy who turned out to be a sexual maniac. I loved it but unfortunately it brought back my issue. We lasted about 2 months because I came to my senses and realized we didn’t like anything about each other except for our genitals. I moved on, got to college and met my husband. Whom I love with all of my heart. I now I feel that my problem is affecting our marriage. I’m always ready to go at it and it makes my husband feel like he’s not pleasuring me or satisfying me. We’ve had our arguments about the issue and it makes me feel horrible. He says i’m a sex addict and that he can’t exactly keep up. Is doing it every other day too much? I mean that’s how often we do it now but is it too much? Am I completely insane? Do I really crave it more often then other people?
What do I do? I looked up foods that decrease libido but all I find are things that increase it. I also read that exercise might help but believe me, it doesn’t. Online articles also suggested drinking a cup of wine to make me feel relaxed and sleepy but I’ve actually tried it before and it does in fact relax me but I end up relaxed and aroused.
Does anybody have a similar issue? Or any ideas that may help?
@estefania1, I’m no expert but if you ask me, it sounds like your problem is more mental than physical. Not saying there’s anything wrong with you at all….just maybe, do more things that take your mind off sex. It sounds like it’s just become a strongly-ingrained habit of yours, perhaps out of boredom, and the media in this day in age isn’t helping either. It’s like being an ex-smoker surrounded by cigarette ads…but you just gotta be mindful of your thoughts. When you see them going in that direction, redirect them elsewhere. Read a book, watch a movie, work out a little, take up a hobby, etc.
@estefania1, I don’t think every other day is too much at all, as long as you’re loving each other in other areas. That’s wonderful that you can enjoy each other on a physical level consistently. I think that is a million times better than a lot of couples who never do anything physical after being together for a while.
I used to have a similar problem, and I would satisfy it by hooking up with people constantly. I asked a friend who never hooked up with anyone for advice, and she told me that she masturbated daily. that did not work for me at all, it just made it worse.
For me I found that the longer I went without anything at all, the easier it was to resist even when I had the opportunity. So I just kind of had to stop cold turkey, and it just got easier and easier as time went on. I don’t think that’s so much an option in your situation though, you wouldn’t want to stop completely when you’re married and there’s no reason not to be doing it. Maybe work on increasing his libido? Cook some oysters? ;P
o, man, i hate reading this,
–I remember my mom would actually catch me in the act and tell me ridiculous things to make me stop and well it didn’t stop–
siiggghhh, i do not mean to offend your mother, in any way, but parents who do this are ignorant, like mine, who, also under ‘Christians guidance’, left to my own to find out what sex was, and i left a path of destruction a mile wide because of it,
first things first, there is nothing wrong with you. sex = good, sex = god designed for pleasure, sexual desires while married = 100% ok,
even if you decide to follow the Catholic teaching, this falls within their rules as well, you’re married, god has stamped his approval, there should be no more guilt,
–I’m always ready to go at it and it makes my husband feel like he’s not pleasuring me or satisfying me. We’ve had our arguments about the issue and it makes me feel horrible. He says i’m a sex addict and that he can’t exactly keep up. Is doing it every other day too much–
ok, i will give you a little personal background, i am 28 and married, so know, what i am about to say comes from someone from within your perspective,
^all that^ he said, is HIS INSECURITY. his masculinity feels threatened because of his insecurity in how he pleases you,
nothing else, there is nothing wrong with you, he is projecting his insecurity on to you to avoid facing himself, its much more convenient to blame somebody else,
here is my proof, he is basically saying, ”my wife wants to have sex with me too much!”
there comes a time in a relationship where the ecstasy felt, the drive, starts to diminish, an insecure man will associate this with something wrong the relationship, a secure man recognizes this is a sign to change things up, that the routine, like with any other routine, is starting to stagnate,
my guess is he beginning to feel this contrast and doesn’t understand himself enough to recognize this, so the excuse becomes, ‘my wife wants to bang to much’, which, to me, sounds a little silly
–I now I feel that my problem is affecting our marriage.–
this ‘problem’, this sounds like your mom speaking, not you, how can you call something you know to be wonderful as a ‘problem’? the only ‘problem’ would be if you were letting others have it,
the worry your mom had about masturbating was that you would become sexually active, ironically, it happened anyway, because of her inability to explain it in a logical way, but know, her adamancy about sex had everything to do with her lack of understanding,
and not one thing to do with how it really is.
Thanks guys, I feel a lot better. I really put a smile in my face to read all your replies :)
@theskafish – yeah I probably should take my find off of this and occupy my time at gym or something, just to keep me busy.
@anjelica and @alista- I knew every other day wasn’t ridiculous! And I think that to add to my frustrations I get mixted signals from him sometimes. He’ll prepare a romantic diner, with wine and candles and whatnot after I want to go to the bedroom and he’ll get mad that all I want to do is sex. And I had actually thought of getting on birthcontrol to calm me down a bit but right now we’re trying to get pregnant so it wouldn’t exactly help.
@vernalsoul – oysters it is!!!
@tine – thanks for putting it in prespective and you’re right, his issue is that “his wife wants to bang too much”
@starlucky – no shit!! where were you 3 years ago!?! and are you still up for it? ahaha jk I would never do that to my hubby
It’s funny, because my advice for reducing your libido would actually come in the form of me telling you to increase how often you masturbate.
If you aren’t still caught up on the taboo of self-love, I’d suggest you just work with that. As for with your relationship, I mean it will do neither of you any good to make the other change their sexual preferences. If he likes to wait a little bit between sessions, that’s an emotion not readily able to be changed…and not necessarily one he thinks he should have to change. The same can be said of your preferences.
For this area, I’d say just consider a give and take. Find a way of balancing this out so that both of you feel satisfied and comfortable.
You have to find balance between things… Look, I’m a christian but I don’t agree too much with sex after marriage. In the past it wasn’t a big problem because everyone got married very early. If I were you, I would have sex some times, but not every time. Never doing it is unhealthy, and doing all the time would be way morally wrong. Just my opinion.
–If you aren’t still caught up on the taboo of self-love, I’d suggest you just work with that.–
i agree with Plane here, remember what you said:
–I remember my mom would actually catch me in the act and tell me ridiculous things to make me stop and well it didn’t stop–
you sound like, despite knowing you mom was being a little silly, you still feel the guilt of the misinformation she fed you, self exploration will help to lessen the guilt as you will see there is nothing wrong with touching and knowing your body,
and as Jet suggested, this will help to sate you,
but to address the man issue, i’d like to understand him a little more if you’re interested in sharing, there is a possibility that with the right amount of information i might be able to offer some advice.
@lytning91 – Well I decided to stop the self love because like you said it is a bit taboo and I do like to wait for him. The problem is that by the time he wants it, I really really want it lol. And yeah there’s gonna be compromise in any marriage. I guess in mine its about intimacy.
@xetado – You mean you don’t agree with sex before marriage right? Im pretty sure that was a typo. And yeah, that’s how I was raised but humans are humans and the Lord is forgiving :)
@tine – well like I told @lytning91 I always thought I was a bit taboo, but I did do it most of my childhood so…. yeah. Now if I do love my self I feel guilty next time that i’m with my husband because I makes me feel like I cheated him out of part of the whole experience ( I know, it sounds kinda weird, I don’t know how else to explain it) and yeah i’ll share what ever, this is the only place on earth that i’m an open book so ask away :)
The more you do something satisfying, the more you’re going to do it (Winnie the Pooh philosophy), that’s what practice does and as humans we’re adapting to anything we do that gives us pleasure, and excessive amount of anything has its side effects. If you think your needs are overwhelming, it’s only because you’ve been used to meeting them.
@estefania1 your story sounds overwhelmingly like my own. except my boyfriend and i are both this way, so we celebrate sex! the ultimate statement of who you are is doing what feels good. thats what your soul wants you to do! sex should have never been so repressed and tabooed in our society. it is a beautiful joyous thing! and hearing about a man saying he cant keep up surprises me alot lol but really there is nothing wrong with you thats who you are and you should not want to “turn down” who you are to please anyone else.
@estefania1, I said there’s a taboo but the only reason that exists is because stupid people decided to make it an issue.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation, and it has been shown that those who hold in their sexual desires are more prone to develop mental illness due to the stress associated with not getting to express one’s self freely and release the frustration.
Masturbation helps keep you sane, dear, so stop caring about what strangers you don’t know think and flick the bean whenever you want. Married couples continue to masturbate despite the fact that they have a partner. Some couples think that because someone can get them off, they aren’t allowed to get themselves off.
Even porn doesn’t have a high risk of detriment to a relationship when the usage isn’t classified as on an addictive level.
@estefania1, From a males perspective I think it important that I say how puzzled I am that your husband can’t keep up with an every other day sex schedule. It must be very difficult to have an attractive female want to have sex with you all the time. #getfuzzonyourpeaches. Do us a favor and smack him for the rest of the male population for making you think this was a bad thing.
Now that I got that out of the way.
First and foremost it is imperative that we realize that these feelings of guilt are so much more unnatural or “bad” then your feelings brought on by your libido. From the brief introduction to yourself that you gave us in your posts I think it is safe to say that 1:you are a sexual being (who the fuck isn’t) 2: you’re catholic/religious (very important piece of this little puzzle) and 3:you are a good person.
Taking all three of these characteristics into account with an objective perspective I think you can find your answer. You stated that from an early stage you had these sexual impulses starting around age 6. So let’s think about that. At a time in your life when you’re beginning to explore your being/conciousness/ urgers you were most likely being taught certain aspects of your faith. Having grown up catholic I attended 9 years of catholic school so I know to a certain extent about the way this faith is presented to young people. Sex before marriage is indeed taught as a “bad” thing within this system which in my opinion is extremely unnatural and damn near fascist. (another discussion for another time). With that said, I have no problem with people making the conscious decision to save themselves for their future life partner. I find this to be quite noble and should be celebrated in itself (not for me). I do however despise the way the catholic church, as well as other religious institutions (not just picking on christianity here) utilize fear and guilt in order to control certain decisions that we make. I’m going to make a relatively safe assumption here and say that you are a good person and it is because you are a good person that you feel this guilt, a guilt that was taught to you might I add. Religious institutions exploit peoples deepest fears with the use of guilt as a weapon of control .#eternaldamnation #HolyManipulationBatman. You have been TAUGHT that your sexual urges are “bad” but looking within yourself do YOU feel guilty. To me this is comparable to feeling guilty for being hungry and wanting to eat or being thirsty and wanting to drink. If you think there is a difference you are truly misled. I think it is imperative for us to acknowledge that you probably didn’t feel one shred of guilt until your mother or other authoratative figures in your life taught you said guilt. I truly believe that you yourself are not feeling guilty in this situation (as you shouldn’t), you are simply referencing the system of beliefs that you were taught/given. And of course if you are going to make that juxtoposition between your natural feelings and your religious system, you will inevitably and unfortunately be led to this guilt. This guilt is of course being reinforced by the ever infamous DOUBLE STANDARD that we have all grown so accustom to. If a woman wants to express herself sexually she must be a slut/bad person right? Sweet baby jesus that is wrong. #pileontheguilt.
Objective thought: You are a human being. You have urges/impulses/emotions/feelings/priorities that you and you alone are in control of. Take away all social structures that you know and love and you are left with your mind and a bag of bones. Never let the thoughts and beliefs of someone else dictate the way in which you feel about yourself. To deny our urges and impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us a living concious being and somehow our society has let religious institutions dictate what we can and cannot do,think, and say. You are a young, healthy, attractive female who is sexually charged. It is women like you that have allowed our civlization the grow and thrive for eons. Your sexual disposition should be celebrated by everyone and more importantly it should be celebrated by you. #you’reaqueen