idk dudes I love my friends but it seems like a lot of them are self-destructive. I think I’m drawn to people who self-destruct because I feel like since I’ve been down that road somehow I can help them out and be a positive influence in their lives. I think that I can help them learn ways to be healthier. I know it is not my responsibility, but it pains me so much to see the people I love go down a road of unhealthy coping. Sometimes I feel trapped in my friend group because I’m scared that if I ‘leave’ they won’t have any positive influences any more.
Here’s a little background on me: I used to self harm, and I had done it since before I can remember. When I was a toddler I even self-harmed by slamming my fingers in the door when I was stressed. Through my teen years I cut myself, and eventually I developed a severe case of anorexia. One of my good friends who lived with us also killed himself. I started going to a recovery program– because my parents/doctors forced me, not because I wanted to– but it worked strikingly well and now I’ve stopped hurting myself. This past year, I’ve felt like I’ve finally confronted my inner demons and have dealt with them. Once I recovered, I felt better than I had ever felt in my entire life.
So all was going well, until last March when I was drugged and raped by my ex boyfriend and his friends at a party. I reported it but the police handled my rape kit really terribly (I went to the hospital almost immediately, but had to wait almost 48 hours after the rape to actually get a rape kit done.) At the time, I couldn’t remember anything and the physical evidence had worn off by the time I got evidence collected, so the case was a dead end and they dropped it. Recently (like two weeks ago) I heard that my ex was arrested for drugging and raping a different girl with his friends. Until now, I feel like I haven’t really felt that affected by the rape. This past week my feelings about the rape have been at their worst. I know that I am still strong, that I just need to cry and be angry and that eventually I’ll get through it, but it’s really really hard. Throughout this, I’ve still managed to keep a (mostly) positive attitude. I haven’t relapsed on my cutting or my eating disorder, and I know I’ll get through what happened . . . It’s just really fucking hard right now.
So back to the topic at hand– I feel like despite the hardships and shitty feelings I’ve been having, I’m still emotionally healthy. Everything is really hard, but now I know that I need to feel the emotions I’m having rather than stuff it all inside, and self-medicate destructively. I need to meet friends who are also trying to live a healthy emotional lifestyle. In all honesty, I just need someone I can get THROUGH my hardships with, rather than try to get around them. I don’t know how to meet people like this. My older sisters have always been the people I look to for support, but they both live across the country and I don’t get to see them often.
Another problem I’ve run into is that as a result of the rape, I’ve started having a lot of social depression. I feel like I can’t count on anyone to help me except myself. I’m always very open when I talk about my life and what I’ve been through, but I find it incredibly hard to actually share my emotions with people. I’m afraid of being vulnerable– physically and emotionally.
I think joining a support group for the rape would be a good place to start. I’m already incredibly busy though, and I don’t want to ‘leave’ my old friend group because I love them all like family, even though they make some questionable choices. I’m afraid that if I spend all my time around people who help ME, I’ll risk losing a lot of my friends to self harm or drug addiction. I think that this part of my fear stems from my friend who committed suicide in 2011.
It’s good to get all this off your chest and see does anyone out there have any fresh perspectives.
It seems like you need a completely new start. If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. I know it may seem like you’ll be lost without your friends but if they are dragging you down then you need to move away from them. I had similar friends into drugs etc although my situation wasn’t as extreme as yours. I saw my future if I kept doing what I was doing. I went to Australia and travelled around for 6 months. When I cam back I had matured and grown in confidence, I went back to college at night time and now I have a good job and I just bought a house.
We tend to behave like the people who are around us and if we behave differently then they don’t like that but you may have 1 or 2 friends who will support you. I suggest you join the support group. Saying you’re busy is just an excuse. Then you are going to see your friends less often and you’ll tell them it’s becasue you’re busy. Do a night class, take up a hobby, get a new job. Meet new people. Force yourself to talk to them. Hang out with people who have their shit together and faze out your old friends. Don’t hang out with people who are like your old friends. When you meet new people don’t tell them your story. They’ll run a mile. Expect your old friends to be jealous that you are doing better but don’t be angry with them, simply see the situation for what it is. If you live in a small town move away. Living in a city is easier to start again. Oh and you won’t be able to change your friends. So stop trying to fix them. Pepople can only change themselves.
The fact that you are already thinking about this kind of stuff is good. Now you must take action for your own wellbeing. Leave your past behind. Your past does not define you. Your current actions and your future is in your hands and it’s up to you to make the most of it.
@luckkbealady, I really think that if you go to a yoga/meditation center it will help you a LOT , try to find a person who meditates for a long time , and talk to this people. They always have so much wisdom and a healing energy all around them . I say this from my own experience i really think that this will help you . 6 months ago , i was in a dark hole , now im still suffering , but i know that im going in one of the right ways. Thank you for sharing your thoughts , you are really a Amazing person , going trough all this , and still thinking about others. You remember me my mother. Going to groups will sure help , but i strongly think that you should talk to a meditator. If you want , start reading OSHO , he have a lot of really helpfull books . Psychiatrists dont know shit , dont waste your time with them. If you want to talk more send me a message. i would really like to hear more. Hugs from brazil!