I’m holding a big secret. Information I kept so attentively hidden, that it’s empowering me to act upon it when most needed. I buried it so deep that in order to find it, I have to dig until I’m close to my last breath to exhaustion. Because I was digging that hole for years and it happened so slowly that no one could be there long enough to witness. It was my altruism that even if only remembered, I could start creating on my own from just a piece of memory. As a child I wanted to give, and I gave. Someone needed laughter? They got it. Someone got in trouble? I took the blame, because nothing ever happened, nothing bigger than our own fear ever happens until it happens and it’s new. Already believing that the unknown always gets explained, and we learn from that explanation, I’m always a work in progress and everything new is unknown waiting to happen. I was ashamed and embarrassed of my altruism, because no one understood it when explained, it needed actions to be shown. So I started hiding it slowly only to fit in. No matter how lost I felt, no one ever saw it to dig it out and take it away from me. The more courageous I am, the more I exhaust its resources. The more I keep it exposed, and myself vulnerable, the less courage I have, but the more effort it takes for me to be courageous, hence more rewarding when I am vulnerable. And even then, I can’t really hide it that well, it’s in my voice, in my taste, in the reasons I cry and laugh. I’ve always thought that this is what being human is. More often it’s what alienates me. And everything else is just a role.
