I'm struggling with life in general, and could use some advise on my crazyness..

Nomercynary (@nomercynary) 4 years, 6 months ago

So im posting this to this forum because you guys are one of the most open minded mediums I know of, and I do think I could use more ridiculing of my circumstances at this point, by the average internet user. I know it’s pretty long, but I could really use some insight…

This really didn’t turn out like I had planned, but I saw a theme, and stuck with it. I’ve be struggling for a good number of years with all these topics in varying degrees. I have so many different aspects of my life that are affecting me all at once, and I find it hard to put down in simple words. So I’ll basically talk on the major topics, then maybe interweave them on how they are affecting me. IDK.

  • I feel so numb, 95% of the time, I’m just reacting to the stimulus of life’s events rather than causing actions. It’s taken me weeks to finally sit down and write this out. I have no energy, at all. I’m a big tall guy, but I seem to struggle with more simple tasks needing energy. Like my arms will get tired pretty quickly if they’re above my head working with some tools. I know that’s a physical thing I can fix, but it’s also the mental fatigue that’s draining me.
  • I have been drinking, by myself, for years now. It’s been usually 2, maybe 3 pretty strong beers a night, 5-6 nights a week. Sometimes I’ll leave and go get more, and that’s not safe at all. I’ve been doing slightly better lately, but still, I haven’t gone longer than 3-4 days without a drink in about 6 years atleast. There were periods were I would combine with pain pills or aya or DMT and that got pretty crazy for me.
  • I have become a hermit pretty badly. I have only one friend that I hang with outside of work, and that’s mainly to just get hammered, which really doesn’t help with the above topic at all. I haven’t had a partner in 3 years and haven’t gotten laid in just about that long lol. Maybe that’s all it is, I just need to get laid lol. But no friends, no girlfriends, mainly go out in town on my own or stay inside and do research on all these concepts that are fucking with me
  • There’s what quite literally feels like a fog inside my head. I have to fight through my thoughts, struggle to pull up memories of previous events that were quite recent. I’m actually having a hard time writing this as my thoughts keep slipping away.
  • Reality looks distinctly different than it did years ago, but I have no idea how. A cup looks like a cup, but it looks different in tone/lighting/sharpness. This
  • I stammer a lot, I say words that are related to but not the words I’m trying to say. I can’t recall an exact experience right now, real surprising, but I could just drop a word, add a random word, or switch the inner words with each other in smaller sentences.
  • I have become increasingly paranoid, just random thoughts that really make no sense logically. Like I know that mini drones are becoming a thing, that they can get pretty small now. So I’ll see a butterfly that seems to stick pretty close for a bit too long, and I’ll think that it must be spying on me. I’ll laugh at the idea, but I legit thought that for a couple secs. Or that my friend that is real good with computers has installed programs in my computer to track my movements. I feel that now, as I’m typing thins actually.
  • Been getting delusional also. Basically, it seems like music narrates my life in a sense, that there’s a “person” speaking to me from another dimension/reality/ect. Also, I get the general sense that I’m the only one alive/this life is all in my head/I’m god? So I get this feeling this world is mine, only I put myself in the average joes position? I created this world to escape ??? and this other person is calling me back/berating me/telling me they forgive me/hate me. Also music seems to be a way for me to hear verbally what is happening to me subconsciously? BUT BUT I’m not fully into these thoughts, they just seem to be reoccurring thoughts that I can’t seem to dispel with logic. But it does seem like every new song I hear adds to the story, reminds me what I actually am. This is really hard to explain overall. I know it seems like a mental illness, which I could be 100% my family has major mental issues, but it seems like I have too much outside insight into this, I’m logical and able to pick apart my own reasoning, but I do have to admit something strange is going on here…
  • Again with the paranoia, I see so many connections with the outside world. I have done a lot of research on marketing methods, so I understand the meaning of the colors of the text, the hidden messages the marketers are selling. I see the chemtrails in the sky and wonder why the world isn’t losing its goddamn mind over them. The education system seems to just mass produce lower intelligent people than they are capable of. The chemicals in the food/water. The media/movies/shows/social networks seem to just be one big system to milk the masses energy while keeping select people in power. ECT ECT I can imagine you get the idea by now.
  •  I seem to see visual “snow” in lower lighting, like the static in tv, overlaid with my vison, especially when I’m drunk. When I close my eyes in a lighted room, I see basically closed-eye-visuals, but not extreme. So I’m not seeing what I think reality should look like in the first place normally, then I close my eyes and I see all kinds of shapes, then when I open my eyes, the visual snow is really pronounced. Also, the snow/visual distortions seem to become stronger after I eat?
  • Then there’s all those concepts of how reality is/can be. That we could all be simulations/ matter is empty/ external world is simply waves of energy/ parallel universes/lives / afterlife/no afterlife / flat-earth and all its implications or round earth with us in an infinite void of darkness. ECT ECT but all these thoughts are running through my head constantly. I seem to learn a new concept, get it into my head how it can be, then the world seems to take on that “filter” of life. Like I’ll be in a room and think everyone is just a computer simulation and fake, including me. Or that all matter is empty, so everything has no substance and I’m just feeling it in my brains pathways. I know people get these mind trips in their heads where they think like this, but mine never go away, and interchange frequently, so I can’t get used to it.
  • I have very vivid dreams, every night, without exception. They take on all kinds of scenarios and are infinitely more exciting than real life. I know this is hardly a new concept, but it really messes with my head in the morning, that I want to go back to that world, not to face this one. Then with above, how do I know that I didn’t just leave another universe/reality??
  • I feel like I’m pretty intelligent, but I can never seem to express myself. Because of the other mentioned reasons, I find myself just stopping short of explaining myself outright, so people seem to think less of me. I feel like I’ve given some good examples that my life isn’t one of a simple tv junkie that swims in drama. I’m in college, and at the top of my classes, but I can’t seem to relate to anyone. I’m not vain, thinking I’m the only one that thinks of these more difficult concepts, but still, all I hear is people talking about sports/news/tv shows/ what new fast-food thing they’ll  try today ect. I just seem to be more concerned with the world, not just other people’s business or any distractions of modern life.
  • But it’s not all negative in my life. I do enjoy the concepts that life could be so much more than it is, that I can change when I find myself able to. I still have all my close family members, I’m not a felon/in jail. Not physically disabled, im on my own in life(house car job career path). Im alive, and that in itself is fascinating.

So basically, im constantly questioning my surroundings, the subject of reality, and my thoughts morph into weird directions. I have no friends, I drink too much, and am delusional/paranoid. I see weird visual stuff regardless of if my eyes are open or closed and feel the government is f’in over everyone in a perverse way. Music talks to me, tries to convince me to do this, or that, usually sign up with the devil or “give up/sign out” on life.  Im numb, physically/mentally fatigued and speak straight.

All these, plus more topics, are combined and mess with me everyday of my life. I don’t think im really that bad off, theres definitely people that deal with more, with a smile, but I cant face this much more.

I…I hadn’t really realized how fucked up I am. I’m really lost guys.

Any help would be great, I completely understand that this post is all over the place, and it would be hard to respond, but anything would help. Links/book titles/ mental resources/personal experiences, ect

I just don’t know who I am and where I stand at this point, honestly.

October 31, 2017 at 8:38 pm
Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Thanks for nothing guys!! 

Gare (32) (@JurassicParking) 3 years ago ago

How are you doing? Have you been able to kick some habits and straighten some things out?

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 3 years ago ago

Funny @Gare, i was just coming back here to read all the old posts i have, to see how i feel differently form that period to now, and i see this :-).

I’m ok. Still here. Gonna fail my class tomorrow, cause i couldn’t get my final project to work, and it stressed me out to the point of feeling super low. One good thing is that that low finally got me to go to the doctor. I’m officially on anti-depressants!! I feel different. Not alot better, but not just as worse. Sad thing is that last 2 weeks, the majority of the evening dose was taken with alcohol to down it. I feel like i had seconds with my doc, she looked at my mental health sheet i filled out, said ahhh you’re depressed…. lets get you on some pills and you come back and see me in 3 weeks, BYE!! Not kidding, the whole experience was 2-3 minutes. 

I did go on a fast the last couple of days, lost 3.6 pounds. Felt really good about myself, till today. It’s officially 6 months today till my 29th b-day, and i started it off by drinking again.. I’m not happy with myself. But overall, im ok, i’m living a life many would love to have and i try to remind myself to be thankful. Im just numb al lthe time, hopefully, i can mention that to the doc this time around lol. Anyways, thanks for checking up on me, months and months later :-)

Gare (32) (@JurassicParking) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

Glad to hear you reached out with a doctor even if it was only a few minutes lol. Anti deps really helped my friend for a brief but solid moment. He was in a dark place; it gave him the means to move around in a shitty situation with a good attitude. Wish you luck in life. 

Do you have any tips or tried anything to help with drinking less? That seriously is/was the worst situations for me. 

Digital Bionics (2) (@Roger-Andre) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

OK here’s my 2 cents worth, stop getting smashed, beer messes with the mind more than you would realise. If you’re aware of other dimensions of existence and feel things deeply then most booze will mess with you on so many levels…….you’re essentially pumping your body with gender bending hormones and other nasty chemicals….worth considering that green may be treated with pesticides as well.

So clean up, treat your body as a temple and then you’ll find you have better and more stable access to other dimensions, more in touch with the universe, more emotional stability, and as a bonus, other people on your new wave length will find you…..

Oh yes, if you have any toxic people hanging around that you can’t help or screw things up for you then drop ’em

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

So a quick update from my depressing ass post…

Yea, i’ve given up drinking for now. I’m actually gonna be a week sober tomorrow, which is a record for me. Go me!…Also doing the NoFap thing, and i seem to have more energy/mana? And have been doing intermediate fasting, only eating once a day. Between these improvments, i’ve been more level, feel pretty good now.

How do i keep up this progress? I seem to get on the right track for a little bit, then i fall off pretty bad and it takes a while to get flowing again.

So i ordered “Clitep”, which is supposed be a all natural nootropic stack of heathy materials. Anyone have experience with these? They seem to help with mental concentration and stability. 

Aarron (4) (@AarronSaini) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Medicine and Magic can help you. Get your thorough check up and read this pages to experience magic. Its name is ‘dadabhagwan’.

de Castro Sarah (2) (@sal22) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Do sport. run. wear your self out. Get in your body. 40 mins per day at least of hard cardio. Control what you can, you. Leave the patterns and signs for now. Try mastering yourself. You are in a, uncomfortable comfort zone. Get out.

Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

I’ve experienced literally all those symptoms, in very close detailed similarity.

It’s burnout. Your mind is straining and unable to relax. You’re depressed and hyper at the same time, cognitive dissonance takes a toll on your sanity, body and moods.

Meditation, exercise and sex help a lot. They won’t take you all the way, but they’ll give you the momentum and effect over time as you come to your senses. Isolation isn’t good for you.

I really recognize these symptoms and can relate. I know your struggle, and I’ve conquered it. Shoot me a pm if you want to talk about it more.

Roger (0) (@Roger-Salazar) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Wow! I can relate to so many things you wrote, if there is any consolation on “you are not alone”. Good diet, physical activity, and meditation is all  I can think for my particular case. Above all live in the now, which is difficult if you have been program with constant fear of the future since a kid, like in my case.

ConformityKills (2) (@Chisca) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Wow :) It was really refreshing reading this post in the morning because it gave me the feeling that I’m not alone going through this kind of thing. I can relate to 90% of what you said, which is why probably my answer will be over the place as well. I don’t know if it will really help you with anything but maybe it will be the start of a series of good online conversations, who knows? :)

I don’t mean to discourage you or sound rude. I talked to someone about my problems and I thought they were being very harsh and not understanding but a year later I realized that they were right. First of all, I think that there is no recipe of sollutions for problems like these because most likely the causes are different for everyone. I tried researching on the internet but, really, I think the best advice is the one that you can give to yourself, by looking into the cause of all these problems. You haven’t mentioned any of the things that you think are causing your problems so either you didn’t try to look into them or simply missed that. I don’t want to give you a reply like ‘start doing sports, stop drinking, go meditate’ because I think that if you start making a habit out of some things that are generally perceived as positive, that might not be what you really need and you might be forcing some things onto yourself which can get you drained and back to point 0, or maybe even make you feel worse than before. Dealing with being physically exhausted and mentally exhausted is probably the hardest thing that I’ve gone through my whole life and I think it has to be done carefully.

So what I would do if I were in your place – what I’m actually doing now and it’s sort of starting to work – is to experiment with all sorts of things that might help me and give them a few months of a trial but stopping if I see that’s not really what I need. I started going to the gym for example but at the moment it’s exhausting for me so maybe I will have to drop that because there’s no point in doing it if it makes me feel worse, maybe I’m just not ready for it.

But first, you really should TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. I’ve been through that 2 years ago I think. I was drinking regularly and probably a bit more than you because I couldn’t step into reality in the morning so I always had to be in a constant state of high so I manage to ignore all of the thoughts that are running through my head. But alcohol ended up messing my sleeping patterns, made me more exhausted and I think that it’s the main thing that brought me to have severe anxiety attacks and paranoia. I was afraid to leave my house because I thought I was going to die every time I was in an elevator or I thought I was going to get a heart attack when my heart started beating too fast. I’m still not completely over that but I’m managing a bit better emotionally.

Second, I think the best thing that you can do for yourself at this point is to NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. I can see the desperation in your post but these things that you’re going through are going to take a while to get over. I got constantly sad of how good I was in the past and what a wreck I’ve become and this was probably the worst thing that I could tell myself. I’m trying to sit down and have a talk with myself every time I get on that train of thought and tell myself ‘OK, you’re not who you were, you’re not who you want to be but you are like that now and that’s it. Calm down.’ It took me about 2 years of self-convincing to not get mad at myself for who I am. 

Third, as I said earlier, try to EXPERIMENT with different things. Starting with the traditional bullshit of self-convincing if you’re not too tense about the situation so you don’t get mad that t’s not working, going to do sports, experiment with different breathing techniques and most importantly try to find something that relaxes you. I find it relaxing when I get to hug someone who is warm at the end of the day and I kept punishing myself for relying on others to relax but at least temporarily, as long as that’s the only thing that works, it’s worth a try until you’re good to go on your own two feet. Also try to do maybe some physical exams and blood tests because there are things that are directly linked to hormonal imballance or lack of vitamins – I was surprised when I discovered that.

I personally don’t think you’re mentally ill or starting to become mentally ill from what you wrote. These seem like typical symptoms of an overwhelmed, maybe slightly depressed intelligent human being who is overly aware of the world we live in… Which is not bad. I mean, look at all the ignorant people, isn’t it just sad how they aren’t aware of any of the things that you mentioned? 

I’m sorry for making this post so long but I feel like I would have so much to ask and say :) I hope some of this stuff will prove helpful in your long-term run for a sollution. I would like to keep in touch if you wanted to as well.

Mai* (2) (@IamMai) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

First thing, my advise… stop drinking! Alcohol is a “Depressant” and it shows you only dark stuff. Smoke some pot instead, work out, get healthy! Eat right…. do something for you so You are feeling better…all other things will follow…

Hope you take the first step…. been there, done that… no good. Now I have all I need and I am happy and content!

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Thanks for the replies guys, it’s great to know that people can still stop and help each other.

Update- I was doing pretty good at not drinking, even went 11 days without a drop, which is by far the best strech i’ve gone on. But i’m back to where i was before, probably 50% less, but still drinking unfortuantly. I think that one of the major issues i’m having, that’s stopping me from working on the others is the whole “numb to the world” thing. I think i have “derealization” which is basically where the outside where looks different and one cant really comfirm that the external is as it appears. I’ve been in a great mood lately, because i had stopped drinking, eating slightly less crappy food, waking.sleeping better, but i’ve seemed to have fallen off the path again.. Because of the holidays/birthdays ive been in over the last couple days, i guess i justified to myself that i could take a break, that i had done good work and deserved the drinks/crap food/ect. I had lost basically 15 pounds, but have gained 9-11 back, so im feeling crummy for that too. I’m really surprised that i function like i do, able to carry on normal life as well as i do. My dreams are getting absolutly crazy the last couple nights, its been so uncomfortable to actually wake up, because it seems like i had just left another life, one that was just as real, but then thrown back into this one by a piercing alarm.I’ve been facienated with just selling my stuff and getting a motorhome, and just moving. In the end, it just seems like i would be running away from my problems and screwing up what good things i do actually have going on.

I really didn’t create this post to become some kind of diary, but im glad that you guys are kind enough to share your own experiences, and reassure me that im not the only one that has gone through this, but in the end, im assuming you guys are real, as all i see is fields of text. 

Is anyone out there? Lol.

samforeveryoung (2) (@samforeveryoung) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Hey!  Congrats on everything you mentioned, even if you’ve taken a back step a bit, you made progress before, and you can make it again.  

samforeveryoung (2) (@samforeveryoung) 4 years, 6 months ago ago

Hey man, I’m of course no expert, but I was going through extremely similar fallacies and woke up one day, told myself to snap out of it, and I did.  I started studying yoga and ancient psychology and philosophy and why things are the way they are.  I started journaling and meditating, becoming completely aware and accepting of my own consciousness and intruding thoughts.  Ultimately, we’re the ones that are in control of our own levels of consciousness and perceptions.  Doing the things I did might not help you, but you could give them a shot anyway?  Hopefully I helped a little bit.

About2looseit (0) (@About2looseit) 4 years, 5 months ago ago

You might have an energy parasite around you feeding off your depression, paranoia and fatigue.
I fear I have one over myself.
However I have no idea how to rid of these.

dorkey (0) (@dorkey) 4 years, 5 months ago ago

Stop seeking for a help, if you don’t like something in your life just change it without a doubt.

nikkihaze (33) (@nikkihaze) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

I really recommend seeing a therapist, especially since you don’t have a lot of natural supports, a therapist can  give you a safe space to talk, help you identify your underlying issues and strategies for addressing them. There’s no shame in seeking help. And if you don’t like the first person you try, don’t give up, try out different therapists until you feel comfortable.

DanYell (6) (@maestradaniela) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Hello there..

This has been a very raw conversation here. Thanks for reaching out everyone, this conversation is rooted in care and good intentions.

I’m so curious @nomercynary  What is your update? You had shown so much growth the last time you wrote. Now you have a lil’ community checking in.

Ke’Ora (1) (@keorawilliams14) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Hey, I’m actually new to this website but I’m also curious as to how things are going for you?

Gare (32) (@JurassicParking) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Dude, I fucking get it. I can relate to about 80% of what you’re talking about, besides the vivid dreams and snow/tv images your seeing. 

Where to begin?

Disclosure: I don’t know you but, I’ve felt the same on similair things. Take everything I have to say with a grain of salt. I’m just going to tell you about my life, and how I’ve tried to make sense of things. Don’t assume everything I say is related or directed towards you, a lot of these topics trickle into other things that I can only assume are relatable. Assumptions don’t add up to much but a bucket of farts lol. 

I’ve been drinking heavily the past 3 years, and just this past year I can’t do anything without being completely exhausted mentally and physically. I don’t chase relationships, and I hardly write like I use to, espescially in a creative sense. AND my fucking spelling is horrible, absolutely heart breaking. It’s been a journey trying to gain some ground again- socially, passionately, and existentially. I’ll tell you right now, drinking everyday is a huge problem for me. I’ve been avidly taking part in making the conscious decision to not drink, and avoid situations where I know I will want to. You talk about how fucked up the world is, and how society is a cattle drive because it seems that everyone is trying to get their golden nut lol (because it’s probably true), but alcohol is huge factor in supressing people. Whether that is deliberate or not, I can’t say, I don’t think so, but is sells and people want to make money, it just happens to destroy the body and mind. 1/10 people will ruin their lives with alchohol across the globe, and I don’t even know the gray area for the inbetweeners ( <- real word). I’ve been numbing myself with alchohol to the point where I can’t even drink to be socially happy, I know I’m using it as a way to short cut my judgment and say what is on my mind easily and carefree. Not being able to express yourself is one of man-kind’s greatest self inflicted sins. What is the point of living if you can’t interact with the world. If it’s just a ghostly vision, then you’re just a ghost yourself. 

You told everything that you need to know to yourself already.

“So basically, im constantly questioning my surroundings, the subject of reality, and my thoughts morph into weird directions. I have no friends, I drink too much, and am delusional/paranoid. I see weird visual stuff regardless of if my eyes are open or closed and feel the government is f’in over everyone in a perverse way. Music talks to me, tries to convince me to do this, or that, usually sign up with the devil or “give up/sign out” on life.  Im numb, physically/mentally fatigued and speak straight.”

I meditate to clear my mind of all the fuzz, not looking for something good or bad, just to know that I can exist without any noise and just fucking breathe. Holy fuck, if you can’t breathe life is exhausting. 

I exercise and stretch because it directly affects my physical & mental health, and avoid eating like a shit hog most of the time. All of this shit is important, the things you do everyday are most important, and essentially make you who you are. You know this, you have to play the cards, and take programming yourself into your own hands. I feel fucking depressed at times because I feel like I have to do a bunch of processes so I can feel “ok”, but I realize life will always be one fucking process. As far as I know beyond death, it never stops. I’m just trying to figure out how to roll with the processes. 

A good friend of mine told me to struggle well when life seems it’s hardest, and most finite. That is one thing that I try to find passion, and drive to dig myself of the shit holes.

There’s obviously not one solid simply answer anyone can give you. This is something you’ve been thinking about for awhile and you seemed pretty ingrained on this idea that you’re fucked up. We’re all fucked up. I think the key difference in some people is that they know they are fucked up, while others have no fucking clue how fucked their shit is. 

There’s so much to talk about, but I have to end it here. 

Cheers man, I’m glad you wrote this, I hope to hear from you soon. 

Bentley (0) (@Bentley-Ford) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Endogenous opioid deficiency.

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 4 months ago ago


Real sorry about not responding back my computer died, a tragic but forseen death. There was legit sparks and smoke coming out of the laptop haha. Then my phone cant handle this site very well, much less allow me to sign in. I litterally just got a new computer hours ago, and after all the stupid updates, and some slight messing around, i rushed here to get back with you guys.

First off, thank you guys so, so much for the support, even just commenting has lifted my spirts loads. Unfortuantly, typing out large, detailed responses has become draining, so if i seem short with a reply, dont take it personally, please.

Lately, i’ve been been doing better in the overall view. I’m calmer than i used to be, but i was never really upset per say, if that means anything. Nothing drastic has really changed, i still very much feel off, internally and externally. I’m going to college again, but for only one class, as thats all i can afford, so i feel good moving forward in a positive direction, but at the same time i feel extremely frustrated that it’s taking so long, as it’s basically my ticket out of this lifestyle/area.

Haven’t drank AS much, in a way. I’ll go a couple days (2 is usually the max i go), then i’ll get super wasted, then stop again. The problem is that i feel more clear minded at that period between tipsy and drunk. I forget that im even drinking, i can think about certain topics easier, more indepth. Then i get wasted and ruin it lol. Always alone though.. I know i could really use some help, and i get close to asking at points, but when the time comes, it’s not relevant anymore, as i’m feeling better, becuase im with the person i wish to speak with. The company makes me feel normal i guess. And i dont want to make my situationuncomfortable with her,because there would be no going back after i spill the beans.

So overall, i’m doing better i guess. I still have a pretty decent life when i can realize it, but i’m still horriably stuck in this messed up bubble of mine.

Glad to hear from you guys, hope you guys are doing great, and wish all of you a great year to come!

P.S. Holy shit, this computer doesnt have “Word”, ima die now.

BasedAspirant (1) (@BasedAspirant) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Hey man,

I struggled with similar problems about 2 years ago. Wait… Holy shit I think it’s been more than 2 years now wtf!

Anyway, I was lonely. I lived in Germany by myself. I had a visitor every now and then but not too often. It was always nice to have a good friend there to convince me of my sanity (implicitly, through conversation)…

I almost typed out my whole story but I’m just gonna cut to what I was just thinking might help.

Find/Add something to your life where you can grow.

For me, it was swimming. I had never had swimming lessons, but I’d always liked swimming. I always feel better after swimming than I do before swimming. Body and Mind. Sometimes when I finish a lap, I look around and things look just a little different to me. Visually it’s like there’s more sunlight or something. It kind of forces you to make contact with the real world through your body, which is a heightening of an aspect of your consciousness. Physically, your body will alter levels of horomones like cortisol (stress hormone), which no doubt has an effect on consciousness. It’ll also strengthen your cardiovascular system, something I’ve been improving in as well. Swimming also really helps with falling asleep at night and deepens that sleep too, which just makes you feel gradually better and better over time.

Sorry to ramble, but I’ve just reaped so many benefits from swimming, I can’t help it.

When you have somewhere to grow, something to chase, to work towards, an attainable goal (like just going to the pool and swimming), and this something also improves your wellbeing profoundly, it makes getting out of bed easier and it undoubtedly is a step in the right direction.

I recommend swimming lol. But try to think of a place where you can grow and improve. Obviously we can all improve in life in general, but sometimes it’s not exactly clear what to do or it just won’t fly with some negative part of you. With something like swimming, you know exactly what it is you need to do, you just gotta jump in.

P.s. it might be cold at first, but after a lap or two, it’ll feel normal and you’ll be a little better. In and out of the pool.

Michau (4) (@uznam) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Hey buddy,

Here’s my story: I’m a recovering alcoholic, currently 10 months sober. Been drinking way more than you and also much longer than you. For the past 10 years, this also typically included smoking weed (daily) and doing acid (weekly, anywhere from 20 to 200 micrograms) + last 2 years also doing chemical stuff such as ketamine/amphetamine/extasy (but not limited to these – basically I would do anything available) alterately or together, depending on supply. Overall, I’ve been in many mind-altered states and consider myself an experienced psychonaut.

I wrote a long post here which I decided to remove later, because my message got diluted. Here’s the concentrated version, but if you have any questions about specifics, please ask and I’ll be happy to help.

  • first and most important point about not drinking: do not make a decision never to drink anymore. This is unrealistic at first and scary, and puts unnecessary strain on you. Instead: promise yourself NEVER TO STOP TRYING NOT TO DRINK. Promise yourself that even if you fail, you will try once again, and then again, until you are fully successful. Such approach means you do not worry about failure and you can feel secure in that failing not to drink actually does not change your mindset. You live with it and just try again the next day. Call it a day-by-day approach
  • seek someone to speak to about your problems – go to alcoholics anonymous, local church, find support groups on the internet (speaking via skype works, too). Speaking about your problems has two benefits: it requires you to realize, admit and name your problems. So makes you confront them rather than pretend they are not there. The second benefit is that you will feel literally lighter, relieved after you tell about them. You will feel instant hope and energy. Speaking to a sober alcoholic will also make you feel less alone. Ideally find a professional therapist, but a generally compassionate and intelligent person will also make do. Many people seek opportunities to help others, take advantage, because you need help. 
  • Stabilize your brain chemistry (apart from not drinking). Quit any drugs, make small steps towards a healthy diet. This works magic, too. Get a healthy sleep (which probably means plenty of sleepless nights in the beginning, but fuck that – listen to some good music or read a paper book). You can live with sleep shortage for some time and it’s gonna get better relatively soon (think 2-3 weeks for a noticeable change). Also physical exercise (start with just walks – 30 minutes a day, every day, increase according to your personal capacity, try not to be overeager. Start small, the progress will come and do not exercise with guilt. Feeling of gulit leads to overtraining, strain and injuries – trust me on this one).
  • Go to a general physician for an overall health check – do your blood panel, especially liver enzymes, blood iron, glucose, insulin, as those are the parameters affected when drinking. Tell your doctor about everything. He’ll be able to help you in many ways, but HONESTY (towards everyone that wants to help you, inlcuding you, obviously) is key
  • if possible, try to stabilize your health without psychiatric drugs. This is not an absolute truth and your situatiion might be different, but try to find a behavioral therapist, not just a guy to prescribe meds. Without medicines, recovery will be more difficult in the beginning, but will also make the effect last longer. I did it, you can do it, too!

And don’t hesitate to ask more specific questions, I’ll be happy to help because I’ve been exactly where you are and I know it’s not easy to find a way out. But trust me, you definitely can do it. You are honest with yourself and your flaws and that is a good foundation to build on.

Wishing you all the best, fingers crossed!

M., aged 32

Lehay (1) (@Lehay) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

I agree with most of what M. said. I would however like to advise caution with going to doctors, precisely because they might give you potentially harmful and addictive psychiatric drugs, whilst not being able to repair the damage that has already been done by drinking. I’m about to finish med school, and as far as I know, the best thing that one can do for one’s liver and overall health is to stop drinking altogether. The liver will partially regenerate on its own, though there is some permanent damage (fibrosis), which medicine doesn’t yet know how to undo. There’s also no point getting liver tests. I can tell you for free that the drinking will show in the liver values, and that it will improve when you stop drinking.

To all those here who are still drinking too much, I would recommend taking a daily vitamin B complex and supplementing with an additional 100mg of B1 per day. That’s what doctors here in Switzerland give to patients whom are drinking too much. It helps mitigate the damage that drinking causes to your nervous system.

I would also like to emphasize just how important it is to stay off of psychiatric drugs. Antidepressants, antipsychotics and benzodiazepines to name the most important ones are very nasty drugs with loads of side effects. They numb you and disconnect you, and whilst that may be pleasant initially and could make you more functional on some socially desireable levels, they worsen the long-term outcome. I personally haven’t fully made up my mind about whether they can be useful short-term, but the reality is that they are usually prescribed long-term, and that use has been shown to be damaging. I’m happy to provide evidence if anyone is interested.

What I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is, be careful with doctors. Whilst I do believe that most doctors have good intentions and do know how to cure a lot of issues of the body, mental/spiritual challenges is not something they are equipped to handle. Just be careful that you don’t end up in the psychiatric system, since this might worsen your chance of recovery.

All the best!

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Thanks for such a great reply Michau, you said some really solid things there. The funny thing is i’m reading this with a pretty big hangover lol. But this was actually a good drinking night. I invited a new friend out, along with a old but distancing friend, and we had a blast, hanging out. So while i hate that i went yet another night of drinking, i was actually socializing and talking with some girls at the bar.

Any idea why i feel pretty motivated for the next day, when waking up from drinking, about 70% of the time? It weird, i feel like crud, but i wanna start changing myself, doing better and such. But then im all hung over, dont know what to do about my situation, and basically end up wasting the day.

I really do want to change though. I’m really tired of metaphorically just standing here and looking around while others are living their lives, TRYING. I feel like i could accomplish so much, but i’ve fallen behind and everyone kept walking on.

I know if i started working out, i would feel so much better, which is messed up in how much i want to change/improve. I just cant get up the energy to do much of anything anymore. This whole mental sluggishness is destroying me here.

Ima send you a PM, i do have a question about the psychiadelic drug thing.

Anyways, thanks for the great reply, and i’ll work on the whole drinking thing. The whole asking for help thing i’ll try but its never worked in the last 5 years, so i doubt i’ll do much with that.

Lehay (1) (@Lehay) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Drugs (whether it be drinking or psychedelics) are part of the problem, not the solution. Trust me on this, or make your own mistakes. I won’t blame you if you need to find out for yourself, as I know that sometimes we need to experience first hand what others told us in order to truly understand. I just wish for you that when you do hit rock bottom from continuing like this, you will recognise the lesson that is in it for you, and be able to instill true change out of your own volition.

Michau (4) (@uznam) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Very well put, Lehay. It all comes down to making a single decision and sticking by it. All else is secondary and must be organized around it.

Tyler (0) (@Iqspilla22) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

Type in norman van Der kolk “the body keeps the score” into Google

Nomercynary (5) (@nomercynary) 4 years, 4 months ago ago

I’ll look into it thanks! I gotta finish these other books that i keep putting off for others. I’m getting through them though. Thanks!

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