So im posting this to this forum because you guys are one of the most open minded mediums I know of, and I do think I could use more ridiculing of my circumstances at this point, by the average internet user. I know it’s pretty long, but I could really use some insight…
This really didn’t turn out like I had planned, but I saw a theme, and stuck with it. I’ve be struggling for a good number of years with all these topics in varying degrees. I have so many different aspects of my life that are affecting me all at once, and I find it hard to put down in simple words. So I’ll basically talk on the major topics, then maybe interweave them on how they are affecting me. IDK.
- I feel so numb, 95% of the time, I’m just reacting to the stimulus of life’s events rather than causing actions. It’s taken me weeks to finally sit down and write this out. I have no energy, at all. I’m a big tall guy, but I seem to struggle with more simple tasks needing energy. Like my arms will get tired pretty quickly if they’re above my head working with some tools. I know that’s a physical thing I can fix, but it’s also the mental fatigue that’s draining me.
- I have been drinking, by myself, for years now. It’s been usually 2, maybe 3 pretty strong beers a night, 5-6 nights a week. Sometimes I’ll leave and go get more, and that’s not safe at all. I’ve been doing slightly better lately, but still, I haven’t gone longer than 3-4 days without a drink in about 6 years atleast. There were periods were I would combine with pain pills or aya or DMT and that got pretty crazy for me.
- I have become a hermit pretty badly. I have only one friend that I hang with outside of work, and that’s mainly to just get hammered, which really doesn’t help with the above topic at all. I haven’t had a partner in 3 years and haven’t gotten laid in just about that long lol. Maybe that’s all it is, I just need to get laid lol. But no friends, no girlfriends, mainly go out in town on my own or stay inside and do research on all these concepts that are fucking with me
- There’s what quite literally feels like a fog inside my head. I have to fight through my thoughts, struggle to pull up memories of previous events that were quite recent. I’m actually having a hard time writing this as my thoughts keep slipping away.
- Reality looks distinctly different than it did years ago, but I have no idea how. A cup looks like a cup, but it looks different in tone/lighting/sharpness. This
- I stammer a lot, I say words that are related to but not the words I’m trying to say. I can’t recall an exact experience right now, real surprising, but I could just drop a word, add a random word, or switch the inner words with each other in smaller sentences.
- I have become increasingly paranoid, just random thoughts that really make no sense logically. Like I know that mini drones are becoming a thing, that they can get pretty small now. So I’ll see a butterfly that seems to stick pretty close for a bit too long, and I’ll think that it must be spying on me. I’ll laugh at the idea, but I legit thought that for a couple secs. Or that my friend that is real good with computers has installed programs in my computer to track my movements. I feel that now, as I’m typing thins actually.
- Been getting delusional also. Basically, it seems like music narrates my life in a sense, that there’s a “person” speaking to me from another dimension/reality/ect. Also, I get the general sense that I’m the only one alive/this life is all in my head/I’m god? So I get this feeling this world is mine, only I put myself in the average joes position? I created this world to escape ??? and this other person is calling me back/berating me/telling me they forgive me/hate me. Also music seems to be a way for me to hear verbally what is happening to me subconsciously? BUT BUT I’m not fully into these thoughts, they just seem to be reoccurring thoughts that I can’t seem to dispel with logic. But it does seem like every new song I hear adds to the story, reminds me what I actually am. This is really hard to explain overall. I know it seems like a mental illness, which I could be 100% my family has major mental issues, but it seems like I have too much outside insight into this, I’m logical and able to pick apart my own reasoning, but I do have to admit something strange is going on here…
- Again with the paranoia, I see so many connections with the outside world. I have done a lot of research on marketing methods, so I understand the meaning of the colors of the text, the hidden messages the marketers are selling. I see the chemtrails in the sky and wonder why the world isn’t losing its goddamn mind over them. The education system seems to just mass produce lower intelligent people than they are capable of. The chemicals in the food/water. The media/movies/shows/social networks seem to just be one big system to milk the masses energy while keeping select people in power. ECT ECT I can imagine you get the idea by now.
- I seem to see visual “snow” in lower lighting, like the static in tv, overlaid with my vison, especially when I’m drunk. When I close my eyes in a lighted room, I see basically closed-eye-visuals, but not extreme. So I’m not seeing what I think reality should look like in the first place normally, then I close my eyes and I see all kinds of shapes, then when I open my eyes, the visual snow is really pronounced. Also, the snow/visual distortions seem to become stronger after I eat?
- Then there’s all those concepts of how reality is/can be. That we could all be simulations/ matter is empty/ external world is simply waves of energy/ parallel universes/lives / afterlife/no afterlife / flat-earth and all its implications or round earth with us in an infinite void of darkness. ECT ECT but all these thoughts are running through my head constantly. I seem to learn a new concept, get it into my head how it can be, then the world seems to take on that “filter” of life. Like I’ll be in a room and think everyone is just a computer simulation and fake, including me. Or that all matter is empty, so everything has no substance and I’m just feeling it in my brains pathways. I know people get these mind trips in their heads where they think like this, but mine never go away, and interchange frequently, so I can’t get used to it.
- I have very vivid dreams, every night, without exception. They take on all kinds of scenarios and are infinitely more exciting than real life. I know this is hardly a new concept, but it really messes with my head in the morning, that I want to go back to that world, not to face this one. Then with above, how do I know that I didn’t just leave another universe/reality??
- I feel like I’m pretty intelligent, but I can never seem to express myself. Because of the other mentioned reasons, I find myself just stopping short of explaining myself outright, so people seem to think less of me. I feel like I’ve given some good examples that my life isn’t one of a simple tv junkie that swims in drama. I’m in college, and at the top of my classes, but I can’t seem to relate to anyone. I’m not vain, thinking I’m the only one that thinks of these more difficult concepts, but still, all I hear is people talking about sports/news/tv shows/ what new fast-food thing they’ll try today ect. I just seem to be more concerned with the world, not just other people’s business or any distractions of modern life.
- But it’s not all negative in my life. I do enjoy the concepts that life could be so much more than it is, that I can change when I find myself able to. I still have all my close family members, I’m not a felon/in jail. Not physically disabled, im on my own in life(house car job career path). Im alive, and that in itself is fascinating.
So basically, im constantly questioning my surroundings, the subject of reality, and my thoughts morph into weird directions. I have no friends, I drink too much, and am delusional/paranoid. I see weird visual stuff regardless of if my eyes are open or closed and feel the government is f’in over everyone in a perverse way. Music talks to me, tries to convince me to do this, or that, usually sign up with the devil or “give up/sign out” on life. Im numb, physically/mentally fatigued and speak straight.
All these, plus more topics, are combined and mess with me everyday of my life. I don’t think im really that bad off, theres definitely people that deal with more, with a smile, but I cant face this much more.
I…I hadn’t really realized how fucked up I am. I’m really lost guys.
Any help would be great, I completely understand that this post is all over the place, and it would be hard to respond, but anything would help. Links/book titles/ mental resources/personal experiences, ect
I just don’t know who I am and where I stand at this point, honestly.
You are depressed and demotivated. This post is so similar to something I posted a few years ago, I was having heavy anxiety and total loss of connection to reality. laying off of alcohol is useful, but its only a small part of things. I would suggest you try doing something very different, like take a cheap trip to somewhere very different, reset your head. i try to travel somewhere cheap at least once in 2 months. try to track down when and why did you start feeling like this.
It doesnt sound out of ordinary how you are feeling, its a basic depression and it takes ages to get out of it, so start working on it as soon as possible, because you will feel exhausted even when you are coming out of it
Sorry for the late reply…
I am very much depressed and demotivated to the extreme but it’s getting better. Glad you got better, it’s nice to know that others have faced the same and came out better afterwards. I do take a trip about twice a year but its always the same repetitive trip so that’s not as great. I am considering moving out my state and moving to a different area/culture of the U.S. I feel like the deep south moves too slow, doesn’t change enough. It is very exhausting to face this, true, but i feel more solid as i do. I just have to stop messing up and falling down and not getting back up.
Thanks for your support!
Dear Nonmercynary, everyone here can understand what you are talkiong about as we all are crazy a bit. The thing is not all of us keep thinking about the stuff you do. What you should do – is to go into sports and listen to good music. Physical excerices will halp you to rerun a lot of processes in your life and start to build new you. Listen only to good and positive mnusic that will never depress you.
read more and travel. Have some sex as well. Go pickup someone pretty and try to talk to people. Select only those who may be interesting for you.
Sorry about i haven’t replied, especially when you took the time to try to help.. I have been fighting off these thoughts more effectively, and i have become more motivated. Not entirely convinced that there isn’t something with myself/my reality, but there’s not much i can think to do about it. I really plan on start working out, i know it’ll do me real good. I even gotten down to my lowest weight in over a decade, now i just need to add structure to myself, and become stronger mentally/physically.
I would love to get laid. Anytime. Any day. Haha. I think i make an awesome lover, too bad i feel into deep despair and lost any skills to win over a lady friend.
Thanks again for the reply, i’ll try to respond better from now on.
Haven’t had a drink in three days, so there’s that. I was actually at the gas station last night going to buy some. It was really a habit more than anything, i usually take a long drive in back roads after work to cool off, then grab some beer to cool off even more?!? So i find myself in line, at the counter actually, ready to buy. Then it’s like reality really “clicked in”. I was once again at this same gas station, buying the same beers, to go do the same shit, and to continue the same shit. I kinda looked at the cashier, and said that i think i’ll hold off tonight. She smiled what looked genuinely. I then just sat in my lazyboy, and thought about my situation. I didn’t really get furthure in progress in that area, but it’s better than what i would’ve done. Getting hammered and playing video games, trying to fit as much liesure time and relaxation i could into the hours before bed.
So i had no drunkenness to lull me to sleep, so i had a super hard time going to sleep. All i did was roll/flip/throw pillows/blankets/myself around for hours, thinking about how i could’ve done this or that. How i should be in a better situation, if only i could get myself off the metaphoirical floor. Then i fell asleep, and had super crazy dreams for a couple hours till i had to get up.
I had another “click” in reality, where i was speaking with a coworker who, in short, was just talking about another coworker behind their back. But he’ll be all friendly with the guy in person. But as this guy is moaning on and on, i just looked at him, and it clicked. This person, this building, this job, it’s all very soul-draining. I saw him for a person that is overall good, but he easily and consiously spreads drama throughout the building, Not just him, but most every single person, i have heard them speak ill of every other indiviual, just drama. And I, in that moment, saw myself in him. I too have bitched and moaned about my situation/persons, but not nearly as bad, i think lol. Then in this same moment, I thought outwards, and thought about how millions and billions of people just complain to/backstab each other. That there are people screaming at each other at this moment, kids being abused by stressed parents, all the roadrage on the streets, drugs, ect. And all i could think of was “There’s nothing i can do, this is us, this is humanity. There have been special people that tryed to lead us down the better side of life, and we killed them, time and time again.”
It was really, really surreal. He’s complaining about something i know for a fact is untrue and uncalled for, and i’m just looking at him and thinking about how canerous all this complaining is, how everyone i know is sucked into the drama. How the whole world, while having it’s good parts, just basically shows it ass all the time. I was truly looking at this person not as an indvidual but as a representation of the gunk of human personality. It’s hard to explain lol.
But the thing is, as i’m sitting here typing this out, i don’t feel it. I don’t feel the vastness of humans, i can’t connect with the those thoughts i was having earlier. It’s all quiet. Gone are the thoughts running around, i just am. I am now. I don’t feel like there is 7+ billion people surrounding me, There are just the items of the room, the walls, the up and down left and the right, but no ” “. There is a void in my existance, an absense of something that only exists when it is gone. I’m not trying to be poetic here, i’m not in one of those weird rainy-sunday-afternoon moods. This is who i am, where i am, and that’s all. This is what i would guess i avoid, why i drink. To become numb to being numb. What ever this is, it’s directly on me, i feel it pressing in. It’s all too subjective, there is no true meaning to any of this.
The worst part is feel i did this to myself. That i deserve all this confusion. All this ignorance. Feel that this never ends, it never did and never will.
But one day i’ll forget, and i’ll move on with my life. I can do this, i tell myself. Then my life ends, and i realize, it begins again. This horror show starts again, and i rage. Crack. Not again, i scream. How do i know this? Because i’m still screaming inside.
I need a drink.
Hi there again. I’m honestly proud you decided to give sobriety another try so quick. Good job!
To cut shit short, here’s my two eurocents: just try to stay away from alcohol at all times. If you feel you need to change your mindset somehow, go smoke weed, jack off, go running, play video games, etc. just fkn stay away from booze for good. I am impressed by your insights which, in my opinion, show that you are definitely ready to stop drinking for good. Look, you’ve already had some major victories this time (four days now?) so why not keep winning? Seriously, man, the beginning is always the worst, just don’t fuck up what you have already achieved – this should now be your daily focus, trust me other concerns can wait until you’ve gathered some more energy which I guarantee you will come sooner than you expect now. Just a) don’t drink and b) try to get as much rest on one hand, and c) as many distractions to your alcohol craving on the other hand.
Some practical tips/comments from me: Lucid dreams are typical of the early phase of putting away any substance, alcohol is no exception. Those can be fun, but more often are not. No need to worry, because your brain when detoxicating from alcohol will be getting such shallow sleep with wild, fucked-up dreams, but things will get better within a week or two. In simple terms, think of it as a self-cleaning process for your subconsciousness. It’s been messy, so no surprise it needs some cleaning. Your job in that is not to drink, that’s all.
When you feel that you have some more energy (which might be happening now or will be happening soon) you need to plan how to avoid triggers. These include social situations, emotional reactions, mental strain, family and romantic relationships, etc. – everything that makes you sad, depressed and wanting to solve it with booze. I had plenty of those myself with the tendency quickly going towards solving all problems with booze. That’s where a diary / notebook comes in handy – write down the situations or, in broader sense, the triggers (this is where your mind will be playing tricks, that’s why writing it down will be more effective than just thinking about it), try to find out when they occur, what causes them, how exactly do you feel and what do you think when they happen. Then think about how to avoid, stop and counter them. Example: drinking and playing video games? I did that, too, on a daily basis for many years. In the beginning I smoked weed and continued to play a lot, but cut out alcohol completely. Then I cut weed, which is several levels easier to quit but – in the “acute” phase, allowed me to soothe the craving for alcohol. Or a social situation – going out with friends, everyone drinking, etc. I would on purpose drive instead taking a bus/tram, just to have a pretense not to drink. Love the taste of beer? Go try an alcohol-free beer, try several and find which tastes good enough to drink. For me, there’s a 0,1% APA available locally, but when these are unavailable, I typically drink Yerba Mate, lemonades, energy drinks or just highly carbonized water with lemon and ice. It’s a matter of changing your habit, but it can be done. Be prepared to keep discovering such triggers for many weeks, months even. That’s also why a diary/notebook is so important, because you can review it periodically and will easily remind yourself of “danger” situations which you must avoid or find alternatives for. And I am not afraid to tell you to dump people who your only relationship with is based on drinking. If you tell a friend you don’t drink anymore and they offer help or at least understanding – that is fine. If they want you to drink with them despite that – fuck them, because they literally want to kill you.
Ok, I guess I could go on and on, but I think I covered the most important points that worked for me. Questions – you know where to find me. Stay strong ;)
Yep, I’m on day 4 now. If i can get through the weekend, i’ll be solid. I understand that i’m pointed in the right direction, even with all the stuff i said in my previous post.
On another positive note, i’m only 2-3 pounds away from my lowest weight in atleast the last 10 years. The whole not drinking really helped, plus fasting for periods. But the funny thing is when ever i get this close to surpassing this number, i loosen up and start eating slightly worse. Kind of like i lost all this weight, so eating this or that isnt that bad because i’ve lost this much. Kind of like i get more demotivated as i actually achieve my goals. Kind of messed up if you think about it haha.
Now if i can just sit down and make a list of things i wanna get done with my weekend off, and stick to it, i’ll have done more this weekend then the last months. I usually end up sleeping off a hangover on saturday/sunday, then feel too bad to really get anything done. Then the weekend is over. Then i’m pissed off at myself, and start drinking again the next monday-friday.
Anyways, i really appricate the support. It helps alot. Having people to hold myself accountable to, to report my wins and loses to.
Well, here’s another tip to make it through the weekend – that’s indeed a difficult task and I fully understand that.
Look, why not just pack your backpack (by this I mean something to eat, some water, some extra clothes for bad weather, a power bank for your phone’s GPS in case you are lost and probably a flashlight for when it gets dark early – this should cover your needs in like 95% of your potential walk routes) and find a nearest, nice large patch of whatever nature you might have around you (rocks, forests, mountains, seaside, river, lake, anything goes). Have a really long walk, like at least 5-6 hours. Just walk, try to explore the area without a plan, except perhaps for adequately planning the distance you want to cover. Make a stop whenever you fell you need it, do not rush anything – just go into nature. You’ll see you will naturally start meditating, you don’t need anything else – just walk.
The key is: start early morning, do not wait for extra energy until midday. it’s not going to come. Sleeping off a hangover is a routine you are trying to break out of and this will cause some discomfort in the beginning. Breaking any routine does, so that’s nothing extraordinary and there’s no other way. If for any reasons it’s not possible today, try tomorrow, but plan and prepare still today and get a flying start tomorrow.
Also, in my view, it’s not about working out (but this counts as a workout, obviously), it’s about hearing your own thoughts when there are no distractions. You will get a better sleep and probably a valuable insight into where to go from there. I’d love to hear from you after you’ve done that. Give it a try ;-)
So, i kinda lost track, but i think ima be a week sober tomorrow. I feel pretty good, comparing to previous states i’ve been in. Sleeping good, a bit more energy. Been wanting a drink pretty bad throughout the day, especially near the end of my workday, like my body was gearing up to get drunk again. But i’m staying strong, i would hate to lose my winning streak again.
This whole depersonalization thing is killing me though, i can’t seem to get through this fog. I should be able to remember when i stopped drinking right? My memory is really bad for someone my age, it shouldnt be like this. Like i was trying to remember how long i went last time in a row without a drink, and i really can’t recall. I think 13 days? Maybe 15-19? I wish i knew if this memory/brain fog thing was chemical/psychological or what. So i think when i’m good and solid on the whole no drinking thing, i’m going to try to find some kind of therapist or something. If it’s chemical imbalance, like not enough vitamins or something, that’s not too bad. But if it’s repressed memories, like what i’ve read alot of depersonalized people go through, then that might be harder, and lead to drinking if i don’t have a firm handle on it. Then again i may be making excuses to avoid looking for a thearpist.
Anyways, i’m good lately. Thanks again for the support guys!
As for the technical aspect of tracking your progress: there’s a dated post above in which you write that you’ve been sober for three, and then four days. With this, pinpoint the date, write it down and celebrate each full week, then each full month, and so on. (BTW, I’m planning to give myself a huge prize on completing my first sober year which changed literally everything in my life – probably a nice trekking trip abroad, or a bespoke suit – something I deserve for such a feat).
In my case it was similar with the fog – I am having a really hard time recalling specific situations, emotions, etc. both from the heavy drinking period (because I would be typically non-stop drunk/high, so memory formation would be chemically impaired) and then from the quitting period (becuase of the stress that puts on the substance-dependent mind, both conscious and unconscious). Neurologically it’s a stressful period which the brain tends to hide in fog and store in the subconsciousness to maintain some operational, daily balance. I’d say that’s quite normal, just keep doing your great job.
Also, that’s one of the tricks your mind does and will continue to play, so as I wrote previously, your first line of defense is a diary. That curbs any stupid shit your subconsciousness comes up with and allows you to recall FACTS instead of your current impressions of what those are.
Therapist is a good idea. If you feel you have some spare energy to do it – don’t hesitate, it can only help. Therapist is someone who keeps a diary for you, too.
Have you tried going on the long walk I suggested in my previous post?
Overall, you’re doing very good, if not perfect. And don’t forget to enjoy these current days – this is your victorious time, this is exactly when you heal yourself and make a huge change! ;)
I thought about it, and in the past I really should’ve. But now, I’m feeling alot better. Been like 9 days since my last drink, and this has been by far the easiest time for me quitting. This isn’t to say that I won’t fail again. Definitely possible. I’ve heard that AA takes on a pretty strong religious overtone, and I really don’t wanna deal with that. Could use the community though. Idk, maybe.
Thanks for the support.
Drugs (whether it be drinking or psychedelics) are part of the problem, not the solution. Trust me on this, or make your own mistakes. I won’t blame you if you need to find out for yourself, as I know that sometimes we need to experience first hand what others told us in order to truly understand. I just wish for you that when you do hit rock bottom from continuing like this, you will recognise the lesson that is in it for you, and be able to instill true change out of your own volition.
Funny @Gare, i was just coming back here to read all the old posts i have, to see how i feel differently form that period to now, and i see this :-).
I’m ok. Still here. Gonna fail my class tomorrow, cause i couldn’t get my final project to work, and it stressed me out to the point of feeling super low. One good thing is that that low finally got me to go to the doctor. I’m officially on anti-depressants!! I feel different. Not alot better, but not just as worse. Sad thing is that last 2 weeks, the majority of the evening dose was taken with alcohol to down it. I feel like i had seconds with my doc, she looked at my mental health sheet i filled out, said ahhh you’re depressed…. lets get you on some pills and you come back and see me in 3 weeks, BYE!! Not kidding, the whole experience was 2-3 minutes.
I did go on a fast the last couple of days, lost 3.6 pounds. Felt really good about myself, till today. It’s officially 6 months today till my 29th b-day, and i started it off by drinking again.. I’m not happy with myself. But overall, im ok, i’m living a life many would love to have and i try to remind myself to be thankful. Im just numb al lthe time, hopefully, i can mention that to the doc this time around lol. Anyways, thanks for checking up on me, months and months later :-)
Glad to hear you reached out with a doctor even if it was only a few minutes lol. Anti deps really helped my friend for a brief but solid moment. He was in a dark place; it gave him the means to move around in a shitty situation with a good attitude. Wish you luck in life.
Do you have any tips or tried anything to help with drinking less? That seriously is/was the worst situations for me.