Inter-gender friendship aka platonic friendship

redbeads (@iuliab) 9 years, 7 months ago

OK. First of all, hello and i am glad to be here. Second, the idea of this topic appeared when i had a discussion with a friend about male-female friendship. i am strongly opposed to it because it can’t exist…of course only if is the kind of friendship gay-male/female and heterosexual female/male. and my friend (male, about 30 years old) replied very relaxed: why do you say that? i have a lot of female friends and it not hard…no. he is not gay.

so, what is the idea of a platonic relationship? how can you do that? how can both parts do that? eventually someone gets hurt…

anyway, i am curious and kind of making a poll: what do you say and why do you think that?

June 2, 2012 at 7:21 am
Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Just don’t fall for each other, make sure that going in each party knows what the friendship is all about and that’s just being there for each other not getting into each other’s pants.

If the friendship is strong enough it will last if one falls for the other and the relationship can’t be taken further. I have experienced it more than once.

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Lexi (157) (@lexi) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@iuliab, I have a strong platonic friendship with a few guys. They’re like my brothers, and there’s no chance of romantic relations. We would do pretty much anything for each other, and I feel like our relationship is much stronger than it would be if we were romantically involved. We love each other, just not romantically.

I think it’s very possible, and healthy, to have a mix of male and female friends. You get a greater variety of perspectives and personalities.

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Rowland (0) (@rowlanry) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

lol it usually just happens for me like i’ll meet a girl and we’ll have no connection is just how u at all but being friends its just all about how u look at someone

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redbeads (15) (@iuliab) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

thanks for replying. but this is not a dispute, i just am curious about other people thinking…

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SumtinProphetic (4,925) (@sumtinprophetic) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@iuliab, some of my best friendships are with girls. Once the friendship is developed, all sexual tension dissipates and you’re left with a friendship with potential benefits that are unimagineable from a same-sex friendship.

I have gained invaluable insight from some of my girl friends that my guy friends would never have been able to consider. It works both ways

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racer93 (21) (@jkim1233) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Men and women are not as different as you might believe! (read http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/6/30/men-are-from-earth-women-are-from-earth.html). It’s healthy to understand this fact and being friends with the opposite sex can actually help develop better interpersonal relationships in general. More specifically, they provide more knowledge of the opposite sex, reveal different points of view on life domains, and allow men to express more emotions (most men in western societies, especially in the USA, are still raised to suppress emotions due to its stereotypically feminine nature – this is very psychologically unhealthy and total BS) and women to be less comparative. The key is really self-control because there will be sexual tensions (read http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/10/12/sexual-strategies-in-cross-sex-friendships.html), but if you’re mostly just thinking about is sex, then the base for the friendship is unstable. You should be friends with whoever you want because of more subjective reasons, like shared activities, similar personalities, similar interests, etc. to avoid discomfort. If it comes to a point where there is too much sexual tension or romantic attraction, the best thing to do would be to talk about it honestly. They might not reciprocate your feelings, but if they are actually your friends, then they will be supportive and understanding of your situation, and you should try to do the same. If not, then you probably weren’t as close to them as you thought (or they are just really immature!)
@iuliab, how are you 100% sure that one of your guy friends isn’t attracted to you? I would suggest being more accepting of the potential for a situation like this to arise rather than dismissing it. If it happens, it will be much easier for both of you.

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Kidd (1,059) (@kidd) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

It’s generally harder for men to be “just friends.” Women, though, seem to have no problem with it. Though, because it’s tough for men, there rarely ever is “just friends” relationship between the two sexes.

That being said, my best friend is a guy while I’m a girl and, of course, he fell for me then I for him, lol. If things weren’t a little complicated (distance-wise), I think we’d be a couple.

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redbeads (15) (@iuliab) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@jkim1233, ok i am embracing everyone’s opinion, but again I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ME. i frankly don’t have men- friends. i heard some stories that gone bad from being friends to f#$k buddies to enemies.

maybe i was looking from a medical point of view. but you are right…what about work place? when you have to stay with a person a lot of time…

i also have some articles to recommend:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/strictly_platonic/2010/09/profane_friendship.html
http://spr.sagepub.com/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

and a lot more…which strangely are having the same opinion as you…

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Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Well that’s where they went wrong, by having sex. And even then I don’t think that really messes things up, it can muddy the waters but if the relationship is strong enough you can still be friends. And again I speak from experience. One of my best friends and I used to be “fk buddies” and he’s been there for me through thick and thin. We did have a time where we were confused about our relationship and feelings and where to go with them but we decided being JUST friends was best. We are still just as close. It can be challenging but it isn’t impossible. There are all different forms of “love”.

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Kevin (188) (@bigred) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I love the honesty on this forum. THIS is how we make progress. @aliwine,

On the topic at hand, im another person in the boat of messing up female friendships with sex. some of the most interesting and closest girls that have ever been in my life, i eventually fell for.

And although some of the time it turned into something interesting, most of the time it just messed everything up and we stopped talking.
Thats one of the reasons ive been trying to get sex the hell out of my life. I considered sex addict meetings at one point, but found the idea silly, then found this site lol.

Its pretty interesting how much taking sex out of the equasion changes things in relationships.
Its not that i dont like sex.. i love it. But too much of a good thing is nooo good ive been finding. Plus the reputaion that proceeds you isnt very easy to work with in terms of getting to know interesting people.

Sex is a beautiful thing, and deffinatly has its place, but so is a real friendship, and i dont think thats the right place.
I freaking love my closest guy friends. They are closer than family. Were like brothers. I could only hope for a relationship of equal intensity with the opposite sex. Im interested as hell to hear “the other side” of things.

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Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@bigred, Communication is key as stated before. You need to let the girls know it’s just sex and they need to assure you that they know it. Plain and simple- when it comes to friends who do the sideways tango.

If you are just friends make sure that you don’t lead them on, no romantic staring into of the eyes, keep physical touching to how you would touch your guy friends. Put them in the friendzone and think of them as your sister or mother.

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Kevin (188) (@bigred) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@aliwine, ya communication was deffinatly the big issue.

im going to work on that alot with the girl im talking to now.
the staring in the eyes and light brushes on the leg have allready started.

thank you guys for all the diffrent points of view. im putting these tips together tonight, and hopefully i can clear up the unmentioned sexual tensions arising.

i just really hope she wasnt hoping to become and item or something. im afraid im going to tell her the whole “just friends” things and breaking her hopes. because i reallyyy want to be friends with her.
any other last min tips would be really helpfull. meeting up with her in 20 mins. lol

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Anonymous (170) (@) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

It can work, you just have to make sure there’s no hanky panky.

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ButternutSquash (75) (@equanimity) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

For me the boundaries need to be clear within any friendship. When I was younger (16-18), I could sleep with either gender and keep the sex part just sex. I can’t say that now (at 24), I can do that anymore.

Some of the friendships I entered began with masked intentions (either theirs or mine), and those are the friendships that haven’t lasted. I’m using both genders as an example because although I primarily date women, I have been interested in men in the past.

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The_truth_is_ (91) (@sirensetmefree) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I’ve always been able to keep sexual relationship with just sex. But, to be honest, I’ve never actually seen a heterosexual male-female friendship where the male hasn’t admitted to massive amounts of sexual thoughts about the female (if not to her face, then to his friends). And almost every guy I’ve seen have a “friendship” with a girl that is JUST friends is usually repressing something, or there’s something about the girl that is a HUGE turn-off. For example, I can’t stand stupid, so girls that are ridiculous amounts of stupid I just can’t ever be attracted to.

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pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@iuliab, No, if one person is in love with the other, it is difficult to be friends. But two people of the opposite sex not interested in each other sexually can befriends. But sometimes they don’t want that because they’d rather be with someone they’re interested in sexually.

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phoebe (97) (@cornietzsche) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

About 80% of my friends are guys and always have been. There have been a few occasions when guys I considered friends clearly have ulterior motives, and I have to make it clear I don’t see them like that. I have never found myself falling for a friend, unless I liked them from the outset. Of course you can have platonic relationships … it might be rare amongst red-blooded 20 somethings, but even the most rampant people I know still have friends of the opposite sex that they see more as siblings than romantic or sexual partners.

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redbeads (15) (@iuliab) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@bigred, wow good luck and please tell us if it worked up…

i was thinking before i read your post at the same thing: how you tell a person we are just friends and not change anything…i mean if you really really like some one as a friend, and they might have other intentions, how do you resolve the problem? and viceversa, if you like a person and because of that you can’t be just friends(assuming the other one doesn’t like in that way), how do you say…and what do you say?

that is a bit complicated…i hope we hear great news from you:)

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

Some of my best friendships are with girls. It’s good to let them know I find them attractive, if I do, or don’t if they need an honest friend around. Surprisingly, some people don’t like when there’s even one person that doesn’t like them and want to be liked by the whole world – I stay away from such morons. :)

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Kevin (188) (@bigred) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

yeeeeeea.
so i ended up sleeping over her house last night.
very odd relationship we have.

still no idea whats going on. i think she just wants a secret relationship or something.
maybe im just a booty call? idk lol.

were strictly friends when we hang out and do stuff, dont even hug when we part.. whats up with all that?
im not even going to sweat it. theres just no reading this chick :L

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