I already live in a small town so you can understand the math there, but does anybody else have a hard time finding people in your actual community who are interesting to be around, even interesting enough to date? I find this extremely frustrating that everyone I encounter seems to be in a hurry to get away from everyone and back to the TV, or are dug really deep into a role inspired by a celebrity. All the real people I know, the people who love to explore themselves and the world around them, are people on the internet that I have never met. Are we just a scattered few?
I too have the small town scenario of interaction scarcity. Population 6,000. I do have some friends that are open minded and can hold deep conversations but have yet to meet a female who is someone genuine beneath the surface. As in, has the hippy-esque lifestyle but not the questioning mentality that should come with the package. These conversations usually lead to generalization and we can not be certain the same things can be said bout males. Thus is life, but don’t settle for that which you know does not make you happy.
Hey Nic, I have the same problem. And I’m not looking for a Brad Pitt or a marine… just for someone to talk to. But really talk to. Maybe it’s the small town and the mentality here, but maybe it’s me (us). I love my brother for example, and I think his girlfriend is really nice, but my God you should hear them talking! It’s nonsense, it seems like they have nothing in common, they can’t understand each other and they act really retarded when they’re together. But they are together, and they’re happy. I could never be in such a relationship, and that’s also why I never really was in a relationship. I believe there are people like me (and you?), but I guess it’s hard to find them :)
I don’t know why I put a smiley, ’cause I’m getting quite desperate with years.
After moving to college, located in a boring suburb, I felt the same way. I went from being in a great group of friends (including both male and female) which we shared many interests, and I was at first excited to meet new people and make new friends in college. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone with similar personality traits, or interests in music, movies, culture, beliefs, etc. I actually began to believe that me and my friend’s way of life is dead outside of our town. I’ve meet a few people with similar views but nobody to either to call a friend or potential dating material. Almost everyone I’ve met is wrapped up in media inspired movies and music that I have absolutely no interests in. I feel the same, and I still have hope that we are not just a scattered few.
I don’t live in a small town, but I have experienced some similar feelings. The best advice I can give is to be positive and give people a chance. Have you tried talking to these people who don’t seem “interesting enough?” I have had many people in my life I have been kind of “forced” into friendships with, like coworkers, classmates, people I’m working on projects with, etc. and many of them have ended up surprising me. Try easing these people into the topics you want to talk about and see how they respond. Maybe those people are rushing home to the TV because they are starved for real connections. Maybe not all, but a few. Give them a chance. Even if they don’t meet your expectations, hold onto hope. Connect with the people you share things with, even if it is just on the internet. Best of luck :)
I feel the same way. And I live in one of the largest suburbs of one of the largest cities of the United States. I never find anyone who has what I want in a relationship around here. I want a girl who is pretty, but also who has a personality that’s larger-than-life. Someone who you definitely don’t meet every day, who fascinates me endlessly. Someone I can talk about anything with, that I don’t have to pretend to be some cartoon character macho-man for. Someone who wants to make really unique conversations, experiences, and memories. Unfortunately, there’s no one around here that meets that description. The girls around here aren’t hideous, but they’re not remarkable either. Looks wise, they’re entirely forgettable. And their personality is about the same….no one wants to go for walks and talk or stare at the stars or go to rock shows or watch fireflies, all they’re into is their boring job, TV, current events or celebrity gossip, going out for junk food, going to the bar, and occasional weekend activities that amount to little more than distraction from the grind. No one fascinates me here.
The only times I ever meet anyone that makes me feel like they are someone I could fall in love with, are girls I meet online. I know they exist because they are real people. I’ve met a half a handful of girls who are incredibly beautiful and also have personalities that make me feel like we could have some really worthwhile times together that we’d remember forever. Someone who could really give me something to think about and inspire me to be a more interesting person myself. Someone who makes me feel that life is romantic. But what’s really frustrating is how I never seem to be good enough for the girls I want. It’s hard.
@theskafish, define pretty. Or beautiful. Isn’t someone who has a ‘personality larger-than-life’ already incredibly beautiful?
I’ve met some guys/men like that in my life, but they were always from different countries. Like the coincidence wanted us to meet… And if you’d look at their psychical looks you would wonder how could I like them. But it’s because their smiles were larger-than-life. The fact they were smaller/over-a-decade-older/with bad teeth couldn’t affect the way I was attracted by their inside. So define your pretty.
@martartar, I mean pretty or beautiful in the usual sense of the term. I too am also looking for someone to really talk to and make a real connection with, but I’m looking for someone who is also very physically attractive, in addition to that.
I know it probably makes me sound like a jerk, but that’s the kind of girl I’m into, someone who has it all. I don’t want to settle for someone who only has a part of what I want, because I know that somewhere, there are some rare girls who have it all and I know they really exist and I don’t want to feel that I’m settling for less than who I want for my ideal. The problem is, whenever I meet such a girl, it’s me that doesn’t measure up.
@theskafish, it doesn’t make you sound like a jerk, you shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t attract you. But I’m wondering if anyone is into any other kind of girl (or boy)? Is that your ideal or the ideal they’re selling you? Are only the perfect women the ones that are attracting you? Like Darryl Roberts says in ‘America the Beautiful’ : IS THIS WHAT WE’VE BECOME, A SOCIETY THAT PLACES SO MUCH VALUE ON LOOKS THAT PEOPLE WHO DON’T MEASURE UP TO THE CURRENT STANDARD OF BEAUTY — WHAT, THEY HAVE NO VALUE AT ALL? NOT THAT I’M BLAMING THE GUYS FOR THEIR ATTITUDE.
I’VE DONE THE SAME THING MYSELF. A FEW YEARS AGO, BACK WHEN I LIVED IN CHICAGO AND HAD HAIR, I HAD A WOMAN THAT I THOUGHT WAS AWESOME. ONLY, WE NEVER GOT MARRIED BECAUSE I THOUGHT I’D FIND SOMEONE ELSE JUST LIKE HER THAT WAS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL. WELL, NOW SHE’S HAPPILY MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE, AND I’M WONDERING, “WHY DID I EVEN BUY INTO THIS IDEA OF ‘THE PERFECT WOMAN’?” WHAT CAUSES US TO OBSESS OVER PHYSICAL BEAUTY AND NOT APPRECIATE THE THINGS THAT TRULY MAKE WOMEN BEAUTIFUL? WHO BENEFITS FROM WOMEN NOT FEELING BEAUTIFUL?
I DIDN’T. WOMEN DEFINITELY DON’T. I’VE DECIDED TO FIND OUT WHO DOES.
Sorry for the caps lock, I just copied it from the subtitles. What I want to say is that maybe we think we know what we look for, we built that perfect image, and are not really giving chance to someone ‘less special’. I’m not trying to say it doesn’t happen to me. What do you think?
@martartar, well, one thing I do feel is that nobody’s perfect. Search for the “perfect” girl (or guy as the case may be) and one will be single for the rest of their life. All of the girls that I’ve wanted have had some flaw or another, but the general good things were there, and greatly outweighed the flaws to the point that they no longer mattered. I still thought these girls were fantastic.
But I do feel that the ideal I desire is my own, and not the media’s. I could certainly see how that stuff absolutely influences people, but I don’t think that’s the case with me. It’s not just looks I’m into either, I’m sure there’s some great-looking girls out there but whom I couldn’t hold much of a conversation with – I’d get bored and I wouldn’t feel the magical vibe I’m looking for that makes me feel they are truly special, no matter how lovely they might be. Conversely, someone that I can talk to but who only has average looks, just isn’t going to stir up any feelings of physical desire at all, and at the end of the day that is certainly a part of why we seek partners in the first place. They would not give me butterflies in my stomach, or any of that particular kind of romantic excitement I’m looking for. I’ve had girls approach me before, but unfortunately they were as you said, the “less special” kind. I don’t mean to be mean, but they just didn’t stir up any excitement, they didn’t set off any fireworks. It’s like that old saying, “how can you keep ’em down on the farm, once they’ve seen Paris?”
And now that I know for a fact that there are girls out there who have everything I want, looks that make my heart race and personalities that I really want to mesh with, it only makes me more sure I know what I want. I know these girls aren’t just some fantasy of mine, that they are real and we could have a connection if only I don’t keep falling short. Twice now, I’ve met such a girl and twice I’ve blown it. It’s tough because I am lucky to meet so much as one girl like that in an entire year.
I, too, have met many women who may seem physically appealing at first glance, but are rather unattractive in more than one sense. I’ve been single for a long time now and looking to change, but most people I meet make me think otherwise.
One problem may be that I (and possibly yourself) am typically attracted to women who are much better people than I am.
@alec, “One problem may be that I (and possibly yourself) am typically attracted to women who are much better people than I am.”
That’s what I think my problem could very well be. After my most recent heartbreaking failure, I’ve resolved not to talk to any more girls I like until I figure out what’s wrong with me, to avoid the frustration of building a connection only to watch it fail miserably. Since I am the constant in all this, I think that the problem must be with me somehow. I would certainly say I am attracted to girls who are better people than me too – they’re more attractive, more interesting, more exciting, and more successful than I am. I must not be giving them what they want somehow, even though in every case we always had enough to make good conversation.
I feel like if you’re looking for someone so rare, you really have to offer something truly unique into the partnership as the boyfriend. Additionally, a girl who has the brains and beauty usually has men interested in her regularly, but most of the attracted men are fascinated without a separate cause and want partnership before they see her as an individual and not a beauty-AND-brains date jackpot. Also consider that these people can be loners and have rich inner lives (that cause them to be so ~*~interesting*~*) and therefore are trying to get away from people plus can do all these walking and firefly watching activities by themselves. Beauty doesn’t leave you alone – people always are trying to talk to you, sit next to you, ask about your interests and flirt. Brains can be something shiny that isn’t there to entertain others but to be equally stimulated in a partnership that offers growth in a unique direction. Not ALL openimded, intelligent, interesting, ~awake~, whatever you call it people have the same goal and taste and direction – and understanding of that seems to be missing from most guys trying to make connections and spark interest with girls I know that fit your descriptions.
@paintedbeings, “I feel like if you’re looking for someone so rare, you really have to offer something truly unique into the partnership as the boyfriend.”
What are some examples of something truly unique that a guy could offer? I really am clueless here.
I’m also so curious about how you pile the girls into two piles – do you talk to them and ask certain questions? is it their clothes? People in the wild are not such open books as online – you can’t pull a few paragraphs on a walking by stranger.
I can agree with you on people not being as open as while online. IMHO, interesting people are there, it’s just a matter of finding them. Get out there, chat, ask weird questions (that’s a favorite as well as my “test” to find people like me ;-) ), and don’t be surprised if it takes a while to find them. I’m still working on finding someone stimulating for me. And alas, it has become much more difficult after leaving the food service industry
@paintedbeings, that’s very true. People in the wild, all you can really tell about them right away is if they are physically attractive or not. Online, typically you can jump to conversation right away, if someone happens to talk to you. You can see what they are interested in and can get a feel of whether they are the kind of person you want to have in your life or not. Online makes the process more efficient.
Maybe stop looking? Sorry, that might not be incredibly helpful, but it’s the only thing that worked for me! I let go of all the ideas and ideals I had about what kind of man I should be with, and someone came into my life who is the opposite of everything I ever thought I wanted, but he is better than that! And we have been together for almost seven years and have two children together.
Chin up! Let go and let love come your way!