Is it possible to learn self love without a life shattering event

Anonymous (@) 8 years, 9 months ago

I’m falling in love with a girl that I met back in August, we’ve been dating for a few months and things are fantastic. I knew she was different from the day that we met and she has yet to prove me wrong. However the deeper I get into this relationship the less comfortable I feel, and I can’t seem to fully commit myself to her as I would like to. I’ve come to the realization that I have a poor sense of self love and self worth and I won’t be able to be happy with another person until I find a way to remedy that. I want to be able to unconditionally love and appreciate her without having to loose her, realize what I had, fight to get her back, and all that crap. Does anyone have any suggestions?

February 17, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Bryan Hellard (307)M (@xyver) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009,

“I knew she was different from the day that we met and she has yet to prove me wrong. However the deeper I get into this relationship the less comfortable I feel, and I can’t seem to fully commit myself to her as I would like to. I’ve come to the realization that I have a poor sense of self love and self worth and I won’t be able to be happy with another person until I find a way to remedy that. I want to be able to unconditionally love and appreciate her without having to loose her, realize what I had, fight to get her back, and all that crap. ”

Tell her that. See what she say’s. If anything, it’ll satisfy her curiosity when you start acting weird around her.

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Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, Yeah. I think external shattering leads to internal shattering. Some people don’t need the external part going to shit to have their small, safe little self concept go to shit, however. Call it good karma or whatever, but some people can become real without having to live through horrific external conditions. Your worlds gotta come apart for love to come in. I feel like for most people it’s just a fantasized idea. They’re “in love” and get married and stuff, but its all just an idea and they’re just doing what they’re supposed to do.

If it takes you being put in a concentration camp to realize that, then that’s what it takes. Sometimes the self concept just solidifies even more though, so there’s no guarantee. For other people, they suffer enough without needing the aid of external events to produce the suffering,

So is suffering involved? Yeah. To a point. Til you go beyond it, Does that mean you necessarily need some life altering event like your family dying to make that happen? No.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, For me the biggest hurdle in loving myself is whether or not I am doing the things I love to do. This is probably your case as well.

If I have spent a week procrastinating and being lazy it is very hard to love myself.

When I’m taking care of myself and expressing my creativity all week, no one can phase me.

So, find out what it is you fear. This will be uncomfortable (but realize that you aren’t satisfied with yourself – so what are you protecting?).
It is usually the case that taking your fears head-on will radically clarify everything for you, your mind just starts working properly when you peel back the delusion that comes along with how the hell you let yourself think and act the way you do.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, Also, broaden your understanding of what fear really is. It’s easy to feel like you aren’t afraid of anything – that is a poor substitute for the actual feeling. If you don’t feel like you can move mountains you are doing something wrong.

Fear is anything that diverts your attention away from life/your surroundings and causes you to take a defensive stance. Some people go their whole lives in this defensive stance – really unintelligent things come out of their mouths.

You gotta become fed up with fear. It doesn’t take a life-changing event. You just have to do what I said earlier. Confront your discomfort, your pain. See that it is not you and you will know the way from there.

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Anonymous (0) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@xyver, Just saying it is in fact the best advice you can give, but these are all things she already knows. We are very open and she is very intuitive, she came to the conclusion about me not being able to love myself independently of my input. Being open definitely makes this whole process a lot easier.

@danfontaine, you are right, it is procrastination that leads to a lot of my fear and self loathing. It is minimal but I still not up to my standards of where I want to be. I have been working on that slowly recently but not enough to make an actual difference. I will put more focus on that in the coming weeks and see how I feel. Thanks!

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Andrew A. (201) (@biga69) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, tell her about your problem and she will probably assist you in finding your self love. If she really does love you then she will want you to be as happy as possible and she will do all she can to make you happy. Communication is the start of all love, if you can communicate your feelings to her then you will be better able to understand them yourself.

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Anonymous (359) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, I think self-love is the intention to always reject ideas that say you are not enough or that you are too much. It doesn’t take a life-shattering event, but it does take bravery and honesty. It sounds like you are on the right track by being honest enough to admit how you are becoming less comfortable.

Love, whether it be for self or others, isn’t something that is earned. We all deserve appreciation and adoration just because we exist. You don’t need to earn love from yourself, my opinion is that you just need to decide to accept yourself exactly how you are… insecurities and all. : )

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trippyrizzle (10) (@rizzle) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, @anjelica, I wouldn’t say we all deserve it, but it definitely isn’t earned; its always given, it just has to be accepted. not accepting yourself but your love for yourself. All the advice i can really give you is that you have to let go of everything to truly hold one thing.

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Grand Kahlib (76) (@kahlib) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

reply to post: yes. it is called masturbation.

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~WP~ (4) (@w0manp0et) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

“However the deeper I get into this relationship the less comfortable I feel, and I can’t seem to fully commit myself to her as I would like to.”

This seems to be the root of the problem. You say you can’t seem to fully commit yourself. This is vague. Can’t make yourself toss your little black book in the trash? Is that what you’re saying? Is a nagging voice telling you that you should keep your options open, as a better candidate might come along? You allude to a lack of self love and self worth, but I wonder if that truly is the root of your problem. Maybe you’re afraid to commit, because it means the end of life as you know it. It means redefining yourself. It means burning bridges.

My parents have been married more than half a century. There were some dark days, but they got through them together. They love each other.

If you love the woman, burn the bridges and marry her. Don’t look back.

Good luck to you.

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Anonymous (328) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@chic9009, Chill out. Just learn from the experience. Make sure you don’t rely on her just for your own happiness, then you will have courage to go through the messy bits of a normal relationship.

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Anonymous (0) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Thank you all for your input, the root of everything is that my head won’t just let go and let my heart take control. The bridges to other options have been burned and I am working on establishing intrinsic happiness. I freak out like this every other week because I forget how to relax and just be. It’s a work in progress but I have a strong feeling it will be worth it.

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