is there a wrong way to quit?

Megalynne (@infidelicious) 9 years, 9 months ago

to get me to quit smoking, my boyfriend told me that for every cigarette, i will go a week without sex. this seemed like a good idea/good motivator at first until i started to see it as blackmail. now i feel that no matter what choice i make, to smoke or not to smoke, i am being controlled, either by him or by my addiction.

even though part of me wants to, i’m not gonna still smoke occasionally and lie about it. so what decision can i make that will preserve my self-respect and my relationship?

August 8, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Yilbert (3) (@yilbert) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

Maybe its an opportunity to free yourself from 2 addictions. Do what you want. There are some cigarrettes you want and some the addiction wants, only smoke the ones you want and then face the consequences, but dont be subject to them, otherwise they’ll own you.
PS. Dont let this comment own you either, to stop smoking is the best option. Dont forget to remind yourself the reasons why YOU choose to quit.

The_truth_is_ (91) (@sirensetmefree) 9 years, 9 months ago ago


Firstly, do whatever the fuck you want.

Secondly, you’re always being controlled. What food you eat, what clothes you wear, what movie you watch… Someone/some thing influenced you at some point into making the decisions you’ve made thus far, and the decisions you will make in the future. Personally, I’d much rather be influenced/manipulated by those who honestly have my best interests at heart (like making sure I’m not doing something to kill myself, like smoking) than by those who don’t.

Megalynne (4) (@infidelicious) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

thanks guys, you make some good points. maybe instead of worrying about these addictions of mine, i should tackle the root of the problem in my addicted-manipulated personality. *sigh* long road ahead

Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

Check out the book Allen Carr’s EASYWAY to quit smoking. It’s invaluable insight into why you smoke.

yoinkie (1,498)C (@yoinkie) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

Your boyfriend is with-holding sex from you, a girl? Sounds like an episode of the twilight zone.

m jayne (46) (@mjayne) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

The bright side is that you want to quit, and you have someone who loves you and cares about you enough that theyre willing to GIVE UP SEX FOR THEMSELVES to help you out.

You can choose to do something that someone else wants you to do without it being because they controlled you, blackmailed you, or manipulated you. If you agree that you need to quit smoking, stick to that regardless of if youll get sex after.

The root of the problem, like you said, is the addictive tendency not the actually cigarettes themselves (because clearly you DONT want them, but just cant stop. . .IF you were addicted to something that you genuinely had no interest in quitting anyway it wouldnt really be an addiction because it wouldnt be holding you -against your own will- and interfering with you life. . .it would be you making a choice like being a vegetarian or working out).

With the sex thing, you are complicating the situation.

What happens once youve -quit- and the reward/punishment system gets dropped. . .if the sex actually is the motivator, you take away the motivator and you still have the problem with the addictive tendency. If you dont hate smoking enough on its own without the threat or the blackmail aspect to it, then you arent really comited to quitting yet and you havent really admitted that you 100% want to stop. If a part of you isnt ready to let go of ciggerettes then that is something you have to address and work out if you want to stay off them,

Its like people who -quit- weed but dont actually believe that there is anything wrong with doing it. . .they have no real reason to justify quitting all together, so they tend to go back to it later (because it worked for them and they really never were that interested in QUITTING, rather just slowing down for a while).

Quitting something is only really necessary if you have issues controlling yourself with it (which could be due to addictive tendencies or totally different other aspects) because if you can take it or leave it and exercise rational judgement you dont need to make a -rule- about what you can and can not do. . .you simply wont do it unless you want to do so, in which case there is not point even in the rule.

For me personally, I can take or leave alcohol and cigarettes, but I have to have some self imposed rules about how I interact with my mother because I have problems doing what makes logical proper sense and is -best for me- in regards to her. Im not addicted to non-constructive exchange with her, but I have issues with resisting her manipulation, so I have to hold myself accountable and force myself not to do anything stupid. . .because without the concrete -rule- I would slip up.

What do you think.

The sex thing could help, but I think if it were to help it would be better to look at the fact that your boyfriend probably really wants to have sex with you and when you slip up he suffers as well. In the end it has to be entirely about you deciding to change because you need to change though, it cant be about other people because addictions are something where you have to fight your own fight.

Megalynne (4) (@infidelicious) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

i guess deep down, i just want to feel like i’m in control. and i feel like i’m being robbed of that because i’ve never been strong willed about anything. i always go with the flow which is how i got into this mess in the first place, but i fear i still don’t fully understand why i shouldn’t smoke if i feel like it..

TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

@infidelicious, you are in control, you can choose to smoke or not. I’d say that your boyfriend is doing what he’s doing not to control or assert dominance over you, but because he cares. There’s so much conflicting info out there about marijuana, but it’s pretty clear that cigs are bad for you (I get the feeling you are talking about quitting cigarettes here). He’s trying to help you out, desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures.

Here’s an idea – to feel better about quitting smoking, take up a good habit which will take its place. This way you feel not like you are controlled or that something is being taken away from you, but instead you feel that you are cutting the fat while adding value to your life. You’re taking charge by cutting cigs from the team.

Mr. Arbiter (86) (@snaysler) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

Let’s see, I just quit smoking myself and it was pretty easy. My mother seems to think I have a super addictive personality because I get really into my fleeting passions, but truthfully I’m not easy addicted to substances. Anyway, I realized tobacco was bad for my spiritual health so I thought I’d stop. And that was it. I’ve found that, if you can put yourself in a position where cigarettes are never around you, then after a week you will stop getting the urge at odd hours. Even for me, if a friend shows up and pulls out a cig, I have trouble resisting the urge to bum one. But just ask the people you are close to not to smoke when you’re around, or even let you know they are going out for a smoke, or whatever. Without external reminders, the internal craving disappears. Hope this helps.

Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 9 years, 9 months ago ago

How is your addiction and your boyfriend controlling you more than your own mind is?


Do whatever you want, that’s the key. Everything has its consequences, accept that, and do what you want. If someone is making unfavourable circumstances for you, then maybe you should rethink if you want them in your life, because you’re the one making them “control” you, you’re the one behind the controlling. But are these circumstances really unfavourable, or are they just the right kind of thing that could get you out of the dirt?

Smoking is a terrible habit, anything that helps you quit is fair game if you ask me.

Do whatever you want.

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