Lack of male role in my personality – How to fix ?

Pessoa (@pesmig) 5 years, 11 months ago

Sorry to take your time, I’m just curious to know what these high-heeled people from this awesome community grasp from this issue .

I’m 21 and during my still short life I’ve never had a good male role education. My father was/is never present and he is softer than my mother. My mother has success in every aspect of her life, she is the person that have spent most time with me and she is the only one I can deal with, my father’s personality is exactly the opposite of mine. I realize now that I spent all my youth looking for men heros to inspire me and fill this gap. My friends say I’m a well functionating human being and I should not care about this. 

What should I do , since I’ve only realized this so recently ? 

Thank you

December 12, 2015 at 6:30 pm
Jleebs (19) (@Jleebs) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Growing up in a similar situation I suggest you go on how you always have, before you believed it was an issue that needed to be resolve, the belief is where the problem starts in the first place. You’re not any less whole because you didn’t have a male role model growing up, having an interpersonal male role model is mostly a societal paradigm anyway.. Don’t let the idea that you need to fit credentials for being a male coerce you into thinking you weren’t properly prepared for it. Intuitively you are a man regardless. And I’m sure you, as I believe I, were better off with the circumstances we were given, maybe even chose.. who knows.

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Anjelica (101) (@Anjelica) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Most of our role models sucked anyway. Being your own man or woman is not needing a role model and relinquishing that hold that our parents’ patterns have on us. There isn’t really one way to be in the masculine or feminine role. In general be aware of when you’re attracting women who take more initiative than you so you aren’t femininizing your self. You can’t use your male power responsibly if you are resisting it. 

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jayki (10) (@jayki) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Hi I’m Jakey Jake! Confidence! Never go back on your word! Qualities that make a man don’t exist. :( My male role model is this guy named Dave. Dave is a stay at home dad. Dave is also a bad ass construction worker. I don’t think anyone questions Dave’s masculinity. I think what might be the one serious question with being a man is what role do I play in my relationship? It used to be that the man was the Shepard of the family. “If we are talking bible standards.” However, people have come to a point where we realize how stupid this is. In Dave’s relationship, his wife Melissa is definitely the provider. She is a headstrong woman and it would be inaccurate to say she has balls she has serious ovaries! I’m a really good cook hands down I wont find someone who can cook better then me, most likely not and in my relationship I cook and she watches me. I love it! I love cooking and I wouldn’t like being in a relationship where I wasn’t expected to cook ever. So my thoughts on this topic is, figure out what makes you feel fulfilled and chase after that. In the process you as a person will never have to struggle with the thought of fulfilling a gender role. If you have someone in your life telling you how to be a man my recommendation is to say “Adios.”

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Travis Berg (3) (@Travis-Berg) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Dont let things you cant control define who you are in life.  As long as you stay true to who you are and follow what makes you happy then you’ll be all good.  Theres no aspect in your life that cannot be changed never limit yourself.  Instead of looking at your childhood as being different from the normal is a good thing.  It allowed you to see the world a little differently, gave you another perspective.  Be a different man not just a replica of someone else.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Dude, role models are for kids.

You’re 21 now. Be your own man. Take some time to think about what YOUR TRUE core values and ideals are. Meditate, contemplate, visualize, write about it.

Look to fictional characters and pay attention to which ones appeal to you and how and why.

Look back on life, which people you looked up to or were jealous of. What qualities made you feel that way, and why?

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Pessoa (0) (@pesmig) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Interesting because that was exactly what I done when I was a kid. It’s very sad to realize this now but when I had free time, half of it was spent looking for inspiration from great athletes, writers, politicians, fictional characters from movies and even real generalization of societies as the Japanese and Norwegian ( that is where my love from adventure and hard work come from). While most kids were playing videogames or watching tv, I was inside a fog.  I know what to do , I only realized this with more clarity because a person who I admire a lot asked me what was the influence of my father on me. 

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ohcanada (1) (@warlock) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

Martial arts are great.
It is a highly male dominated environment, full of testosterone, no douchebaguery is tolerated in the good clubs/gyms/dojos.
Beginners are always welcomed as little brothers, you get the opportunity to do really tough stuff (sparring), get your ass handled to yourself, learn a bunch of lesson about people and your self, if you are lucky you may find a bunch of great guys, a mentor, a big brother.

Do your research, test the waters, see what works for you (I hate grappling and love striking)

I truly believe that everybody shoudl get punched in the face a few times to stop complaining bout small stuff or not being a douche.

Don’t count on role models,  I had none growing up and nowadays I am the one for the kids in my family.

Good luck!

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Jon Brooks (4,512)A (@JonBrooks) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

There are stereotypical masculine traits in women and stereotypical feminine traits in men. Some houses are dominate by women and some are dominated by men. Don’t think you are lacking anything my friend. Whoever you are and whatever you’ve been through, I’m sure has given you a unique perspective. Just make sure to keep looking for opportunities to express it. This discussion is a good example. 

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Mempo (2) (@Mempo) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

I really laughed at how our situations are so similar. We’re even the same age!

I believe every experience can teach you something. My dad wasn’t around either because he was always working. When he got home, he didn’t want to be bothered by his kids, because he was tired from work.

Fast-forward to the present:

My father’s now reaping the results of never spending time with his kids and neglecting his wife. My mom divorced him recently, and we (the kids) live with her now. I only see my dad every other week or so for an hour. It’s not like i want to go, but i take pity in his situation. I don’t like going because I have nothing to say to him. I have zero connection with him. Growing up, I thought of him as just a man who occasionally ate with us and sat in our living room in the evening.

What did i learn? How NOT to be a father.

I’d say every person who experienced this will handle it differently. If you spend you’re childhood looking for all kinds of male role models, I’d say you will turn out just fine. I bet you got a whole lot of different views on what it means to be a man from all those sources. Like @St Emilion said: with all this information, try to find out what ‘being a man’ means TO YOU.

Search for what you can learn from others, and then search some more from what you can still learn from your father. He taught me (indirectly, and without realizing) some core values on family. Thinking about him, i realized i actually have a lot in common with him. I’m his son after all, so a lot of genetic traits and personality traits ‘rubbed off on me’. A relevant example would be my recent interest in spirituality (though ironically my father never seemed to implement the things he read). Best of luck!

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HealingBoy (1) (@HealingBoy) 5 years, 11 months ago ago

I advise you to read this book : “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine “. 

Basically, it says each man has these models in his psyche, and explains how to develop each of these models, and what happens if a model is under/over developped. It also explains you to not identify with these models but to serve them, you are not the King, you are the servant of your King, this helps you to keep your ego where it is and go toward a mature masculine mentality. 

I hope it helps you !

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