Last straw that broke the camels back.

Dan (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago

I’m neurotic as fuck. I’ve never really minded it – because I’m never bored – I always have the next thing to do or to think about that fulfills my sense of emptiness – usually thinking, drinking, smoking ciggies. I know there’s something better – obviously.
When I can just calm down and feel my entire body I am greeted by a calm wave – while it is so uncomfortable initially to do this – the payoff is substantial. I feel better, I think better, I’m positive – I love people.

Often, I can completely leave my suffering and enter this ‘higher plane’ (I want to call it) for hours at a time – just as easily when I’m sober as when I’m intoxicated. In this state of being I am really able to appreciate everything and I (seem) to have a profound understanding of who I am and what is happening around me. But soon, the suffering returns. It always does. Usually more full-fledged than ever before it seems.
Suddenly I’m a wreck. I become sickingly introverted, my mind wanders chaotically and all of my interactions with people are spastic and scattered – as if anybody and everybody are my enemy and I am trying to rape them with my mind out of some need for self-fulfillment – to view you as a piece of trash.
I do reflect on these episodes that happen every day – I find myself justifying them more than I find myself trying to correct them.
I have become a total Antagonist.
– If I can find fault in you then I am just fine.
I have too much faith in myself. It only brings negativity and self-hate because I do not do what I know to do.
I’m just drifting into destruction.
Is there anyone out there who has been through this and can recall how they relieved their self?

February 10, 2013 at 8:10 pm
Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

I have an imaginary grand master plan for the highest existence possible but I am eluding it like a devil. Whether or not my ideal is even realistic I do not know – what is more destructive? My eluding it or my mind-crafting?

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Anonymous (84) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine,

Let me start my answer with a quote:
“The mind always wants to do something. It is not interested in hearing that nothing needs to be done. And that’s not the same as saying “don’t do anything”. Things will be done. In fact, everything that needs to be done is already being done. Right now, thoughts are coming in and out. Are you doing that? If you were doing that, you would be able to stop those thoughts right now! You see? Everything just happens, and this is the last thing the mind wants to hear! The whole thing is all spontaneous!” ~ Mooji

Your mind has created this imaginary grand master plan to give itself something to pursue, something to do.. it is essentially playing a ping pong game with itself.

Meanwhile the REAL you (the spectator watching the ping pong game) has identified with the game and you think you ARE the rackets hitting the ball… pursuing then eluding, then pursuing then eluding… endlessly serving nothing but to create noise and activity in your mind.

But that is not you.. you are simply spectating.
Your mind created created the game, the ball and the rackets. They are not real.

You feel good about pursuing something because it provides you with the illusion that you’re making progress.. that you’re going somewhere.. moving from x to y.

motion is progress right?

Society has conditioned us to believe that activity is a virtue, that motion will eventually get you somewhere.. but where is there to go? you are already it which you are trying to find!

Remember, you were fine before the thought of a master plan even entered your mind :)

If you were to suddenly suffer from amnesia and forget about this master plan have you lost the map to higher existence? no, because it is not YOU, it is a thought.. it floats in and out.. the real YOU is simply becoming ‘aware’ of this thought from time to time.

There is nothing to elude or pursue. You are simply observing a floating thought.
The thought is not you.

I really like this video and want to share it with you.

I hope this helps bro

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Anonymous (84) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Simply be still. You are already there.

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Anonymous (130) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Don`t substitute thoughts for reality, find reality. The self from which you want to be relived is the inner matrix of concepts and ideas, let go of all ideas, ideals and perspectives…sacrifice the straight jacket of which you grew so fond of and find that which is beyond words, so that it may show you the path. Tat tvam asi

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@papashibshib, I’d feel stupid if I argued with that. I watched the video and thanks for that, it was a good watch. I am familiar with these concepts. It’s hard to focus on them when I am this young and have shit to do and to grow into. Disappointment with self is the main thing it seems that is keeping me grounded in thought.

@papashibshib, @seeker, I ask, Be still and do what?

Holy shit a bunny just fell into my window well and is stuck – I have to help it. A sign? Lol.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Something that really helped me with that oscillating mindset(happiness and depression) is starting to see moods like that as one side of a continuum, rather than an end, or desire to be attained or a prison. I know we’ve all heard the cliche “Without sadness we could not experience joy”, but really start thinking about this idea for a bit. Notice that whatever mood you’re experiencing is inevitably followed by its counterpoint. Recognize “fulfillment” that you find in comparing yourself to others or any other external means is nice but only a transient and passing thing that cannot be maintained. By its very nature it cannot be maintained! Watch your inner peace grow as you start looking to presence and feeling that state of mind(or should I say beyond mind?) that is deeper than your emotion of the moment.
This has helped me a lot with the problems you describe. Hope you helped that bunny. Love you <3

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, “Is there anyone out there who has been through this and can recall how they relieved their self?” First, yes. Second, with love by someone unexpectedly feeling just like you! This chaotic madness in your mind is the same as you describe it in everyone’s mind when strong scattered emotions don’t leave you alone, and you’re getting kind of sick of them, and at the same time it seems like everyone around you is playing some kind of an own personal game and you’re sick of that too. Me too. And alcohol is the catalyst of those emotions. Remember what you told me about having a more healthy nervous system?

What? A bunny?

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, for sure @papashibshib presented you with an offering of great words – and mooji is an awesome teacher – i cannot add much to what PapaShibShib said, but for something that came up in a mooji satsung – it was this, more or less – the ego or ego-mind wants to be in control all of the time – when it senses you are about to step to that place where you are self-realized and free, the ego-mind works to bring you back – this can be via bodily pleasure pursuits, revival of old habits/behaviors or such (including thought habits) – i don’t recall the psychological aspects of it – just to say – it’s clear that you already have “touched” that place of your original self – your essence – your innateness – it’s you, after all and you are it – mind play, i reckon it is – “when I am this young and have shit to do and to grow into” – WHO says? – where does that mental construct come from? – “Disappointment with self is the main thing it seems that is keeping me grounded in thought” – notice that word – GROUNDED? – who/what wants to keep you grounded (and “disappointment with self” is just a tactic)? – realize all of this and shake it off – you’re okay – you’re fine – all is well – concepts and ideas about all of “this” is what’s weighing you down – shackles, frankly – shake it off and move on – if you stumble, get up and go again – if you stumble 5,000 times, get up 5,000 times :0)

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Anonymous (130) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, do whatever you want to do.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@tangledupinplaid21, You speak of the middle way? The road to salvation is a narrow path. How do I not worry about this?

Yes I helped that bunny. It was very frightened of me – darting around – and then burrowed itself deep in the snow. At first I intended to grab it with my jacket but it was like flipping out. So I made a snow ramp – but in the process I think I buried it. Pretty sure it was suffocating so I dug that poor thing out of there and it instantly climbed my ramp after I lifted it out and I was all, ‘BE FREEEE’.

@beyond, Word, word, word. Yes I can see alcohol as the catalyst. I can’t sleep without it because I can’t relax my nerves without it. In fact I refuse to relax my nerves. I don’t mind suffering – I identify with it. What can be done?

Yes, a god damn bunny. It totally reminded me of the Matrix.

@rickyferdon, It’s all grounded in failure. Succeeding seems like a chore that I am not ready to surmount. I know I can surmount it but how to stop procrastinating it. It’s a cold world without my crutches and I’m in mid winter here.
In the past, in instances when I had freed myself for 1-2 weeks, I felt on top of the world but there was this crushing boredom that I didn’t know what to do with. It felt like creative inspiration and fear at the same time. I never knew what to do with it. This feeling makes me turn back to drugs.
However, I have learned something about myself over the past year. I’m completely confident that I know what it is I excel at. Visual/Audio aesthetics. I fear creating because I have gigantic expectations of how good I need to be. Have you ever encountered this fear in your life?
How the fuck do I deal with a need to excel Da Vinci and them?

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@seeker, It’s hard to draw a line between what I want to do and what I want to do. You see?

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, seek to overcome the need to label anything as “succeeding” and “failure” (i know, easy for me to say) – the “crushing boredom” that you experienced during your 1-2 weeks of being “freed” and feeling “on top of the world”, i’ll go out on a limb and say is normal – it’s outside your usual habits and experience/existence – i would think that would be time to seek something to take the place of that boredom in new ways – volunteer somewhere in service to others – most communities, i would think, have some help-organization you may contribute to – or, for a a good eye-opener, volunteer at a nursing home just visiting the residents – might be surprised at the ones who never have visitors from family or otherwise – just warehoused until time to check-out – be there – just be present – as to the “creative inspiration” and “fear” you mentioned – walk through it – write through it – go outside and start walking – just walk, briskly if you can – physical exercise does help mental anguish – and/or write – just write whatever pops into your head – if a thought hits you write it down and expound on it until the next one shows up – draw – doodle – “I’m completely confident that I know what it is I excel at. Visual/Audio aesthetics.” – do it in whatever capacity you can – i don’t know what it entails – equipment? – tools? – do whatever is available to you to be able to do with that – your fear of creating because of gigantic expectations and your need to excel Da Vinci and them – your “need” and “gigantic expectations” are one and the same, maybe – that is, this is so very strong in you that your mind can only see it as being done in a gigantic way – not like anyone else has ever done before – this is YOU – not anyone else – being fearful of it – maybe you are completely confident within that you CAN do this, but once it goes from the inside to actual production that others can see – what will they think of it? – does not matter (yes, you think it does to you and it surely seems that way – but it really doesn’t) – what matters is that you fulfill this desire within you – who knows where it comes from – some may say it’s leftovers from your just previous life or others – whatever it is – can one get past trying to figure it out – can you just tell you fears to go f**k themselves and just step out and do what you gotta do? – you can – yes you can – or, you can stay in the same not-getting-it-done cycle that you describe – is it time to break it now or not – i don’t know – do you?

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@rickyferdon, Thank you for your words my wise friend. I do think it is time to break it – fearing my potential is completely idiotic. I know what I need to do, why do I sit on the sidelines. I have this psycho belief that it is possible to be immortal through circulation of sexual energy. While this could be true, I think it is aiding in my procrastination. I truly feel I am eternal – that I will eventually do everything that my mind is conjuring up.
I know there are people who come face to face with death and it is eye-opening for them. I feel like you are on of those. Can you shed some light on my situation?

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Anonymous (177) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, there being no time, everything is eternal – so you are too – procrastination – everyone’s little friend – one of those cases where one maybe just is better serving her/himself by making her/him get off her/his ass. When you’re relaxed and less affected by everything – make an agreement that when old procrastination creeps in and the drugs are an easy procrastinating practice – GO – GO – MOVE – and heck, sir, THAT is the time to paint, to write – write about just how you feel – or if you’re frustrated draw or just throw paint of ink at something – jump up and down – and finally, by inaction one does not take risk – yep, perhaps you understand ALL of this and everything in your head and know you should do this or that or just a hell-with-it-here-I-go attitude and move – no different from most of us – no action – no risk – when you move to take risks – maybe, just possibly some light will come

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Mime was right. https://www.highexistence.com/topic/the-apocalypse/

(@mimic) I heard some guy in the street say 2012 is the year it will rain bunnies. But then I heard NASA say that there will be no bunny rain. Now I choose to disregard absolutely every piece of information surrounding this subject, because NASA said there’ll be no bunnies. Infallible, I know.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, I never said anything about the “middle way”. In fact, labeling things fucks it all up. Your mind(conditioned thought patterns/personality) will always find clever ways to discredit anything that threatens your identification with it… Labeling is a knee jerk reaction and is the result of fear of something unfamiliar.

Trying to accept the fact that many things are beyond words and even thought(in a sense) is a huge step in disidentifying with your mind and finding peace that persists regardless of your current life events(happy or sad). You’re an artist, I know you’ve gotta be aware of what I speak of. I want to call it a feeling, I want to call it the whole, the source, the void, the tao, the universe, “god”, but any of these labels are insufficient and quite laughable when broken down by logic which labeling inevitably invites.

Your thought patterns are just habits. Don’t expect a quick fix. Just persist! Observe. Be aware of your thoughts. It really is that simple, but our minds don’t want us to know that… and because of that, we complicate it, label it, think up all kinds of convincing reasons why it can’t work for us,
I have by NO means mastered this whole “thing” but I have experienced first hand the fact that once you start sorta making it a habit to feel this inner peace(connection to the whole, meditative state whether you’re sitting or out doing things), be present, disengage from your mind, and do things consciously with self awareness, all of the things you sought for relief or entertainment(my biggest problem was drugs) become pathetic. The state of being numbed(for you it would be drunk, for me it was opiates) is no longer appealing because your natural state of being is so much more RIGHT. Cigarettes, alcohol, TV are all unconscious habits. When you are conscious, these things don’t even appeal to you. It sounds impossible for people like you and I(I know we have a lot in common in this regard) but it’s not. Cultivate the habit of awareness and see for yourself.

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Anonymous (251) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, ‘I felt on top of the world but there was this crushing boredom that I didn’t know what to do with’. This. Man this resonates with me so much and it’s only now that I’ve seen it written down that it makes sense.

When you realise how much around you is actually bullshit, and how much potential you have it can be overwhelming. It feels as if there are so mainly possibilities that you have no idea where to begin, and so you have nothing to fill the void of what was before, and gradually old ways of thought and behaviours creep back in.

The fact that you have been there, means you are getting there. I’m with @rickyferdon on this one. Draw, write, read, walk, dance, whatever…just do something, anything, that makes you feel like you.

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Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Watch these waves as they pass, they like any other wave has to end at shore. It will not last forever, do not hold identity to this. Do not push or pull the mind and react to the situation, just watch. This isn’t you, it is something that happens in you. Knowing this should bring liberation in itself. It should lose control over you the more you familiarize yourself with this. You are the ocean, the waves just occur within you.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Okay I got like one minute til midnight….

I’d cultivate anew first gotta stop sulking
Sucking sand, silt, lint, funk and gunking
Crunk on something, the wounds are salting
Not giving a FUCK is the song I sing
And that’s hell – oblivion,
Sounds silly.. I love ash – really
Loving the crash.. drown burn die – Mom, Hi!
*Sigh*
Sleep. Wake weak,
crawling from the sheets seething from the teeth
Waste weeks
Seeker of the gods,
loser to the odds
Oscillating wide while discretion I advise
to all y’all
Signed by the hivemind,
the mother fuckin times.
On some heavenly shit, sittin with a sist
Missin the jist on some spiritual trips
Fist to night skies like ‘GOD! WHY?’
Mom, HI!
missed the bliss
Misfit this Christmas
Brooding on my lonesome
Battery acid reaction vernacular lactating volatile placid slack action
On the attack-ack-ack give this mother fucker a plaque for rapping.
I sat back down but my spine kept tapping.
Until the magic happens I’m coping as a crook cackling, ‘s’like FACK!
Last straw that broke the camels back.
Maybe he finally relaxed.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@rickyferdon, I take it you know how to dance.

@splashartist, The waves are seductive

@tangledupinplaid21, Can’t argue

@siantastic, How to get over the aversion toward self-expression when I am being down on myself? Often I feel like I am no good, so why be me? The feeling is that of having serious work to do and that is crushing. @splashartist, @tangledupinplaid21, @beyond, @rickyferdon,

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Anonymous (251) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Sadly I don’t have a definitive answer to that. All I know is that I felt the same, and sometimes still do. But the darker moments are becoming the fleeting ones. I started off with taking the pressure off myself a little, and told myself that even if I was productive for only an hour of the day, it was more productive than I would have been. That one hour naturally turns to 2…3…4 when you really get into something, and then I guess it just becomes normal.

I wish I knew how to tell you to dig yourself. I can only assume it was a mix of physical activity, meditation, and OBE’s which made me think I was alright, and therefor made me have faith in my own ability.

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Relieved myself? no.

Accepted it as part of life? Yes.

Shit gets intense man, just hold on and watch with wide eyes.

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Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@danfontaine, Who is this you that you don’t want to be? Another thought pattern? Just watch Dan, there’s nothing else to do. Let what ever flows to flow and don’t restrict or cling to anything, the raging river will calm into a beautiful stream this way.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, I like where your head is at. What are the best ways to annihilate this bitch inside of me?
I already broke my phone because every one I know tries to lead me to believe I’m crazy. They don’t act right ’til I pierce their eyes. Then they’re either straight up tail between the legs or my new best friend – except for the really unconscious mother fuckers who care to seriously damage their self-image through my eyes.
I feel like I gotta go to work on something. I’m scared to direct and focus it. I lack discipline because I didn’t have a father growing up. I say fuck discipline though, it should come straight from my soul – not an external agency. But then it’s like, I thwart my own attempts to discipline myself. I am a chaotic, boundless soul.
My art expresses this. I want to derive more meaning.

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Dan (890) (@danfontaine) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@splashartist, Well, this person I don’t want to be is my brain health, coordination, physical condition otherwise, nervous health. It’s hard to relax when I have wronged myself for so long.

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