I have been obsessed with self help of all mediums since probably my freshman year of high school. My obsession really started to take off when I slowly began to realize that I was very much so struggling with depression.
I kept to myself about the topic for the most part, until I found a person who was open with me sharing my problems.
That became my new obsession.
Talking about my problems until I ran out of problems to talk about. Once I ran out, I decided to create new problems. It was easy to always unload and complain about this and that to a person. Especially when the person always seemed to give good advice.
That is where I found myself in the bottom of this pit that I had been digging.
When I ran out of problems, I thought I should create new problems to talk about or else I wouldn’t have a way to complain anymore.
I was lying.
I lied and lied and lied.
Seemed fine and smooth until fucking hell broke loose.
The person was fed up with it, called me out, dropped me like its hot, and left a lovely cherry topper of the words “Fuck you.”
I 100% had that all coming.
It hurt like hell at first because I was so deep in my own delusion, that I couldn’t understand what was happening.
I lied to myself to the point of becoming a different person.
Months past and I was tired of hating myself for having been lying for almost 7 years (yeah it was 7 years of this lying pool I had been swimming in). I still had friends, family, and a new romantic relationship. There were still great things in my life and I didn’t want to lose those too.
I came clean. It was extremely embarrassing and terrifying. In the end though, the reactions weren’t as bad as I thought they would be. People were disappointed, but were thankful for my honesty in the end and I felt this layer of trust I never experienced with these people before.
BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS HAS BEEN THE BEST TREATMENT.
Ever since I began being completely honest and straight forward, I have felt this release. When I would lie or hold things back, I constantly felt this pressure and condensed feeling pulsing in my mind. Not being genuine was restricting. My mind felt so heavy and this depression was flooding in around me, I was suffocating myself.
Releasing these restrictions brought me closer to those around me, and some experienced new sides of me they had never seen before.
I have felt myself slowly heading in a good direction. If I didn’t realize I needed to be fucking honest, I would of thrown myself on the tracks and probably let the train of others run right over me if you get my shitty metaphor.
Please, be honest. Be genuine. Be yourself.
Let the fuck go. You are holding yourself back from so much.
Sometimes I feel like my fears are lies so obsessing over them is a lie… but do you mean you made up completely false information? When I was twelve I did that with one person really bad and when I realized the danger I was in, I just stopped being friends with that person. But if I hadn’t I don’t know how I would have stopped the cycle… it could have gone for years. People do lots of harmful things when they feel harmed by others. Don’t hate yourself.