I’m on this quest for myself, to know the mind of our society, through the individual.
It would mean allot to me if you’re willing to share your story, long or short.
What are the milestones in your personal history that shape your life today?
What’s important for you in your life, and/or what not?
In addition you’re welcome to share how you feel about your life, if you wish to do so.
So what’s your story?
Know that there are no wrong posts in this topic, I’m not here to judge you in any way!
So please be as honest as you can. :)
I might add, that I’m not interested in right or wrong. I’m just curious about you!
One more add :P
What’s your goal/dream, where do you see yourself in a few years from now? :)
It all started 19 years ago, I was born and raised as an only child in a boring awful town nobody has ever heard of in California. Being that there was hardly anything to do in my town, I grew up being a really active child. I would play outside from the moment I got home from school to the moment the sun went down. I played soccer, basketball, and softball. I skated and rode my bike everywhere. I made up imaginary games that I would play with my neighbor (who today, is basically my brother.)
I got to middle school, and it was awful. I was weird and didn’t dress like everyone else and I was smart. You know the deal. My parents got divorced, and my father tried to kill himself. My dog died. I watched my cat (my best friend at this time) get mutilated by a pit bull as I kicked the dog to let go but I came to late and couldn’t save him. I quit basketball and softball because I hated it now. I loved soccer with my whole heart, though, as it was the only thing that made me happy at this time. So I stuck with it. I tended to keep my emotions bottled in, but II had one really good friend that I could talk to about certain things. I met her through soccer (go figure). I remember I thought she was the “coolest” person ever and I never understood why she was friends with me because I considered myself a loser. Let’s just say, 5 years later, and I still love her dearly.
Throughout high school, things went up and down. I was less weird, still smart, and still in love with soccer. But, I had issues. I had depression issues on and off as a result of not being able to let go of the past. I had friends but I never felt like they were real– they all seemed to fade away eventually. My grandmother passed away and my father was “dying.” My senior year however, I was somehow enlightened to be more positive and hopeful. I stopped focusing on all the bad around me, and saw the good things that were always around me but I never wanted to accept. I quite honestly, don’t really recall anything bad from my senior year, because I never focused on them. Senior year was my last year that I played soccer. I developed a heart problem, and almost was unable to play. I somehow pushed through it, and I won Defensive MVP, and boy was it glorious. All my emotions throughout the years were turned into bettering myself at the game and it paid off for me. I was offered a almost-half-ride-scholarship to play soccer in Iowa, but I turned it down as I got into a very good school for Engineering and my quality of education came before anything else.
I’m now very happy at this school, but I am not studying engineering anymore. I hated it. I have found a passion for the art of city planning. I have a solid group of friends that I know are true. My dad is still alive, but he does not have much longer to live but we have come to accept it.
What’s important for me right now is being successful. I never want to have to live somewhere where I grew up again. There is very little opportunity there and it’s hard to get out of. I want to end each and every day with more positives than negatives. I want to be healthy both mentally and physically, so I don’t end up like my dad or my grandma, or anyone else that I have seen that didn’t take very good care of themselves.
There’s nothing I can say I regret about my life, even though it was sometimes negative. The negative seemed to often lead to the positive, now that I look back on it. If I could change something though, I would have never put my cat outside the day that he died because I have always felt guilty and I will honestly never forget how awful I felt. It was the worst (I know it sounds silly but I really really loved my cat.)
I think people should hear as many life stories as they can because everyone is extraordinary and it helps process trauma.
Biblical, catholic parents. My mom is a vocalist and singing teacher, my dad traveled a lot and eventually became VP of an mobile media business. Moved to a different state when I was 5 and then again at 9. Before 9 I spent all my time choreographing dances and organizing my little girlfriends to perform them for our parents. I read a lot. I played soccer, gymnastics, piano, bible school and all that.
At 9 I went to catholic school for the first time. The move was a surprise and sent my mom went into a deep depression. I had a nun for a teacher and my uniform felt like a prison. I was outcasted and never found a way in.The school had 100 children kindergarten- eighth grade. I had come from a top-rated public school in New York. I started to get chubby and have panic attacks at school where I was sent out of the classroom for crying and shaking. My mom became the music teacher and we spent everyday at school from 8am- 6pm so she could produce all the music shows. One girl from an older grade became my best friend but also treated me like a pet and I let her boss me around viciously. I sang during all the masses and performances because I was well-trained. In 6th grade my class dropped from 20 kids to 3 kids- one was severely autistic and the other was an Iraqui-American girl who was really immersed in her culture. I loathed the situation and spent all of my time in a stifled explosive rage.
I was playing soccer and dance classes still and went to a performing arts center at 12. The man that ran it was a retired broadway performer with a wife and kids who were anarchist and new age spiritualists. He used children’s theatre to try and bring us to think for ourselves and explore energy healing. He spent a lot of ballet class asking us questions about the universe. I felt at home for the first time so I became an apprentice and studied 30-40 hours a week. Eventually I challenged his philosophies too much and he became extremely passive aggressive to me in classes. He was a father to all his students but a manipulative and power-hungry one. At 15 I left the studio because it had become such a toxic relationship.
After that I floated through high school in a raging daze because I had few connections in school. I got caught shoplifting when I was 17 (lol) and that became an excuse to tell my parents how disturbed I was and I refused to go to my senior year. I transferred to a different school where I could graduate early and only go for a half-day. I was a teacher’s aide at an elementary school and started to lose weight and get really passionate about fitness and nutrition. I got super lean and started college in the child development program hoping to be a montessori teacher.
At 19 I broke up with my boyfriend of three years which sent me into a huge crisis because my identity was completely broken at that point. I could not compute reality at all and felt that there was no reason to live, not because I wasn’t with him but because I started to see the cyclical nature of the universe- how we live to raise children and die so they can raise children and die. Everything felt void. I dropped out, went to therapy, gave up and laid on the floor, got up and looked at the sky a million times, started teaching people workouts in their homes. I’ve spent the last two years searching for truth. I nannied a lot and wrote a lot. I completed a 200 hr yoga certification and am almost finished with 500 hrs. I hope to raise children in a way that protects them from the desperation that I experienced and to help women to honor the nature of their bodies more.
My mum and dad split when I was 6 months old, my older sister went to stay with my dad and I stayed with my mum. I only ever saw them for brief periods once or twice a year and didn’t have any kind of relationship with my dad. When I was 6 my mum had a mental breakdown, and went through periods of severe depression, alcoholism and exhaustion. I was pretty lonely as a kid, and would spend most of my time in my room playing make believe or playing with lego. I had my first real friend when I was 10, and we got in a lot of trouble, our favourite game being sneaking into other peoples gardens :D I moved away and changed schools at 11, which actually gave me a lot more confidence in socially interacting, which was further improved when my mum took me (literally kicking and screaming) to a drama summer school when I was 12. Highschool was a breeze really, I knew a lot of people, and floated in and out of a lot of different social circles.
I was about 15 when I first came across depression. My mum hated me, openly, as a teenager, and our relationship was pretty terrible. However around about this time I started to create a relationship with my sister, which pretty much started because she would buy me alcohol, haha. At 18 I moved to a city and studied theology and religious studies, why, I really have not much of a clue. This was one of the darkest times in my life. I wasn’t eating, felt completely alone and often contemplated suicide. At 19 I packed that in, and worked as a waitress. Alcohol became more of a crutch though, but I didn’t feel so lonely because I would socialise a lot. Another year later I decided to give uni another go, and this time took on drama. I was surrounded by assholes and felt that the course was a pile of horse shit. This is when I would drink the most, and would regularly go on 2 week benders, but be like ‘woooo, I’m having such a good time’. Then I met my bf at the time, stopped drinking, left uni again, and moved in with him. I got a job in a call centre which was the most horrific fucking thing, and I turned to food and started gaining a lot of weight. Depression was beating down on me again, and I once again contemplated taking my own life. After being unemployed and in a pit for a year I watched my gran die. A little something in me changed, I lost a bit of weight and got a job in retail, which I actually enjoyed.
Whilst there I met someone who I would call a ‘soulmate’, but only in the friendship sense, and everything seemed to go right for a while. Together we took on a weightloss journey, progressed up the ladders in the business and generally had a great time. My bf was a little jealous to start off with but then he got to know her, and along with her gf we all hung out all the time, eventually with us all living in the same building. We were just a big bunch of stoners, and my house was where all of our friends would congregate. I truly enjoyed making it a nice environment for myself and other people. It was a pretty sweet set up. Around this time I started to develop a relationship with my dad, and mend the one with my mum. I had a lot of awakening experiences, as did my friend, and so we shared a pretty epic journey with each other. At one point we laughed for 3 months straight.
Then about 2 years ago, I was wiped out by anxiety. That shit came and hit me so hard I didn’t know what was happening, and was pretty sure I was going insane at points. Depression had been at bay for the longest time in my life and I almost wished it back over what I was experiencing. I took some periods of time off work, but eventually after going to my first festival I just never went back. It didn’t fit anymore. So I went back to study, and started studying business. I was surrounded by an even bigger bunch of assholes, whilst still battling with anxiety, and once again I was utterly disappointed with the education system and it’s ridiculousness. My personal growth seemed to be stunted, and after finishing up with that last may things got a little dark again. I questioned everything about reality, and reached a point where it all seemed completely and utterly pointless. During this time my bf was going through his own turmoil (and it seemed everyone I knew was going through the same), and unfortunately he took it all out on me. I focused all of my energy on trying to help him and others that I forgot about myself. I was entirely lost again. That takes me up to december, when my step mum died, the catalyst for the great relationship I now have with my dad, and someone who loved me unconditionally. I had never been loved like that before. I realised it was time to turn my life around again.
And so, here I am…currently staying at my sisters. I have little attachments to anything, wake up feeling free but with purpose, and spend my time doing all of the things I love and not much else. I still have a great love of helping others, and currently I’m teaching my sister the joys of exercise and nutrition, as she was in and out of hospital last year. I write, I read, I draw and paint, and I’m figuring out the ways in which I can make all of these things work for me in this world. I am so grateful for the relationships I have now with my family, and have 2 great friends IRL who have understood everything in my mind. Next month I’m going to work on a farm for a few weeks before I get a place with my friends, and working toward self sustainability is one of my main focuses. I would like to travel if money allows, but I’m ok with not busting my ass just for that purpose. I realise I can find peace anywhere, as I’m currently in a city I thought I hated. Oh, and I really really really want a drum kit. Drumming was my biggest musical instrument passion as a teenager, and I totally forgot :D
Wow thanks allot guys, for being so open!
Anjelica, indeed, its always a good thing for people to hear others stories,
especially for people who want to communicate something difficult (like me) its very helpful to have as much ‘mind background’ as possible.
And its beautiful to just read too is it not?
So bear in mind, that even if your story is not spectacular, or overall negative, or even boring, it makes no difference, and is very appreciated.
I hope more will follow.