Love – definitely a tricky thing. I’m 21, and need some advice on it, because I feel that the events in my life are important enough to share, and I hope that someone else can identify with my views, perhaps even gain some understanding!
I’ve known this person since we were 11, both starting secondary school. We shared similar interests, and at the beginning it wasn’t anything special, but if there was ever one person who I could count on, trust and be completely myself with, it was her and always has been her.
As we moved up through the years, our fondness for each other grew. We went through the typical teenage crushes on each other: having her like me, then me like her and so on. We were (despite all the emotions flying around) best friends. This continued for a while, although it wasn’t until I was 15 that we took the plunge and decided to have a relationship. It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. We grew up together, we loved each other, even though I may have been too young to understand the concept at the time – we were soul mates.
But such is the way of life, things changed. University approached, and we spent our first year at different uni’s, still making time to see each other. We eventually split up at the end of first year, a lot of emotional maturing needed to be done to cut a long story short (most of which I don’t remember). But this was (At the time) one of the biggest things to have ever happened to me. It was alien not speaking to her, not seeing her, not being in her presence, but I somehow soldiered onto my second year of uni, where i can safely say I was awakened spiritually (without fully realising at the time).
I had spent months dwelling, depressed and utterly confused how to continue, but it was like all of a sudden one day I had the strength to continue. From that moment on it was as if life just flowed for me, everything was perfect! It was effortless to live, everything was happening at the right time for the right reasons! Even though she wasn’t in my life properly at the time, I had full independence. I was doing things for myself, and my god it was amazing.
As we both share the same friendship groups, we saw each other a few times, just gradually getting used to the idea of burying the hatchet and being friends again, but without any effort from both our parts it was as if the universe pushed is back together again, and the next thing I knew we were back together! Being in this state of flow, bliss and awakening, this was the most beautiful and perfect thing that happened to me, I still to this day can’t believe that it happened. She herself is a very spiritual person, and upon talking with her I realised that I had become spiritually awakened. We acknowledged we were soul mates to each other. She taught me so much more about spiritualism! We meditated together, shared concepts and it was amazing. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the joy that we experienced together. We had disagreements for sure – it wasn’t always perfect but we tried.
But it was at this moment that the flow that once came so easily to me, where life was perfect, began to fade. I began to feel that effortlessness of life stop. After graduating from university we spent a very intense summer together – smoking a lot of weed, and we experimented with LSD and 2-CB, and MDMA with our circle of friends. I’ve always known her to have a wild side, but with drugs comes new people into your life, and we had been introduced to a guy who we generally did our shenanigans with. I have to stress now that the drugs are not a problem. But seeing her in this new wild side made me always feel uncomfortable.
Why this happened? I don’t know. Maybe it pointed out to me that I am not as lust for life as she is, as open minded, loving, joyful, living in the moment and optimistic as I thought I was when I went through the ‘change’ earlier in life. But as time went on, we began to fight, and eventually she didn’t want to be with me anymore. She still wants to be friends, but the reasons she gave for the split were she wants time to herself. She was going through a change, and felt differently towards me. She was unsure of why, but her feelings towards me had changed.
Since this happened, she has been hanging out with the new guy we had met a lot. I don’t think anything is going on between them, but what is bothering me is that I feel replaced, I feel as if this history we have doesn’t mean a lot now. This wild side to her is something I wish I had, and I tried to have it but I guess I failed. I know it comes with spiritually open but I actually feel like I have regressed back to the person I was before I was awakened.
It’s strange because once again I am confused and pretty down, but this time with the knowledge of spiritualism on my side, which i can’t seem to be able to harness to help me right now, which is why I need some advice. Whenever I try to get into that flow, it happens for maybe a couple of days but fades again. When I try to live for myself, all that pops into my mind is what is she doing? She left me still in love with her, I didn’t want to break up but it happened. My friends have told me to make the most of being single, being free to do what I want. Maybe I am being naive but I just wish to see and hold her again *cue soppy music*.
I apologise for the length and detail of this post, but I felt it was necessary to explain. She is such a big part of my life, always has been and I have a gut feeling she always will be too, regardless if we see/speak to each other or not.
Please, what am I missing? What do I do? I genuinely feel she is better than me at moving on and just living in the flow, when i feel I have been left behind. All my friends appear to be in the flow of things too, and I feel stuck. I don’t want to feel like this and I just need some help. some guidance, and some advice.
Thank you for reading this far if you did, you are a good soul.
Peace and love (what’s left of what I can muster anyway)
@ajdhanjal, The best thing to do is try to move on and focus on yourself. I’m sorry I can’t give better advice than that, but there’s not really an easy way or a short cut to getting over this… just gotta let yourself feel the pain and heal, and if possible minimize contact with her, since that will just keep reopening the wounds. You guys will probably be friends again one day based on what I read but I wouldn’t count on anything. Use the pain to learn about yourself and make lifestyle changes that you’ve been meaning to get around to. Best of luck <3