Love vs. Self Love

Ramistotle (@mcr513) 8 years, 10 months ago

I have a personal dilemma that I think many people can relate to. I want to hear about your personal experiences and opinions on this matter, because I feel anybody in a relationship can easily relate to this:

I have an amazing, beautiful, thoughtful, perfect, etc girlfriend. I don’t think I would want to be with anybody else. This relationship conflicts with time I use for myself (outdoor activities, academics, friends), and I often feel torn deeply inside about missing out. Also, we are seniors in college and go to schools 3 hours away from each other. We usually see each other every other weekend.

I understand that commitment is a huge part of any relationship, but it just bothers me that it’s so demanding at times. Sometimes I think I’m too young for a relationship, but I can’t bear thinking about being selfish and letting her go so I can do other things I enjoy. Can anybody please share their input on rationalizing these feelings of frustration?

January 21, 2013 at 11:19 am
Anonymous (512) (@) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@mcr513, Hey man awesome to hear that you’ve a wonderful other to spend time with. Count your lucky stars brother. Really.

Anyways, why do you feel that your time alone is more important than that with your girl? I can assume this because of how the situation has prompted you to post this concern here. What do you feel that you are missing out on? Honestly. You discover one thing, and that leads to new discoveries, provokes new thoughts, creates more insights, and in turn, more discoveries. It’s a process that ceases to end, as far as I can tell. Enjoy what you have! Enjoy your girl’s presence. Bask in the love but don’t let it consume you.

The root of all relationships is dependency. That term is often cast in a negative light, but seldom is it actually intended in that manner. Dependency implies that there is a relationship consisting of more than one thing. That’s all. All that other meaning is human-generated as far as I can tell.

You’re never missing out on anything. Please consider that.

Love and peace your way brother.

Whootytooty (1) (@whootytooty) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@mcr513 I’m actually going through the process right now of learning to love myself. I was in this amazing relationship. Everyone loved us together, we talked about marriage, kids, went on lavish trips, were head over heels for eachother. When it was just us together by ourselves though I would have moments. I felt like I was never good enough for him. I felt like I was trying to figure out how to make myself happy but was too focused on what made him happy. Long story short I ended up cheating. Never in a millions years did I think I would do that, but tequilla is powerful. I extremely regret what I did but the past few weeks (this happened not even a month ago) have been eye opening. I’ve reconnected and gotten closer with many of my amazing friends and have been focused on what makes me happy. I’ve learned to open up and express whatever emotion i’m feeling instead of holding it in like I used to do. I’ve been reading books on finding inner happiness and self-discovery. One I highly recommend is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Learning to love yourself comes first. I would talk to your girlfriend and tell her what struggle you are having and it sounds like she will be understanding and maybe even helpful. I would definitely take the time to focus on self-love. It benefits you and everyone around you.

KevinSG (105) (@flyingrhino) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@mcr513, Forgive me, but I don’t understand how you are feeling robbed of time when you only see her once every other weekend. Every girl I have dated I have shared almost every day with and felt nothing of the sort. I spent time with friends, her, or both at the same time. It wasn’t until about a year and a half into my first serious relationship that i started wanting time apart form her, because I spent literally some part of every day with her. Jaded, I guess.

But seriously, if she is so perfect, make a balance. Compromise. Tell her you want to be able to to the things you want to do without possibly harming the relationship. See what you both can figure out. Love understands.

stootachtig (8) (@stootachtig) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

Just this question before everything else: What do you think you are missing?

And why do you feel that the things you miss now are important?

Ramistotle (76) (@mcr513) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@stootachtig, @flyingrhino, To be honest, it’s the outdoors I’m missing. I got to school in vermont, and the main reason I decided to go here was because of the local environment. Some may not understand, but being outdoors is my passion. I feel a strong inner peace after a long day outside, and I really only get to go on the weekends. My girlfriend wants nothing to do with the outdoors during the winter, and it feels I am being deprived of something I cherish. She is wonderful, but perhaps I can convince her.

@whootytooty, I am happy to hear you are discovering so much. A lot can happen when profound emotions are tossed in turmoil. It’s funny you bring up TPON, I read it last year and it changed my life so much (my gf actually recommended it to me). I think if you’re getting into that, you’re on the right track.

Regardless of my personal circumstances, I am trying to dig deeper into the concept of sacrifice for love. There is so much we give up for the ones we love. I can’t even imagine the commitment once you’re married and having kids. The impression I get is that as people get older, they are spread thin trying to please everyone in their lives that they leave no time for themselves. It’s just a concern of mine that I’m trying to keep a close eye on as I mature. I feel I see people losing touch with this idea far too often, or just accept their commitment circumstances. Thanks for the input everybody

stootachtig (8) (@stootachtig) 8 years, 10 months ago ago

@mcr513, in a good relationship sacrifice goes both ways, and the sacrifice is worth it.

I’m really interested in your thoughts about sacrifice for love. I also see what you are seeing, but at the same time I see my parents caring less and less about the people around them, and more about themselves the older they get. They used to be community people, organizing and caring só much for everybody they barely had time for themselves and for each other. And I see them changing now.

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