Hi People. I just signed up and this is my first post. This site seems very interesting. Anyways…
I’ve spent a significant amount of time thinking about death lately, mainly because for the past 2 years I’ve dealt with severe depression. I won’t go into detail about my depression, I’ll just say that it got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed to eat and drink ( until I started to starve ) and I went without showering for weeks at a time, sometimes months.
During the depths of my depression I would try to work up enough courage to kill myself, obviously with no success. The reason for my lack of success in the attempt to kill myself is I thought about death, and it scared me. I began to contemplate what death would be like. I would conceptualize all kinds of crazy after lifes to try and get myself to pull through and commit suicide. I was raised a christian ( I’m now agnostic ) and so the concept of hell was always in the back of my mind and probably the main deterrent for my attempts of suicide.
Long story short, I eventually went to see a psychiatrist and social worker and my mood improved a bit, allowing me to take care of my essential bodily/mental needs.
I recovered enough and just last month I took a plane to Texas to visit some family and friends ( I’m in Colorado Right now ). I stayed at my cousins house during my visit. My cousin lives in the getto, and my other cousin can get just about any drug that you can think of. ( I don’t do alot of drugs, I used to though )
I’ve always been attracted to psychedelic drugs ever since I tried lsd when I was 19, and so I asked my cousin if she could get me some acid. She eventually was able to get me some and I took 2 hits. I took the 2 hits and didn’t feel much, so a couple days later I bought 15 hits. Now before I continue, I should make it clear that I’m very spiritual, and so I’m always looking for ways to probe reality and find answers to my deep questions about life and death ( especially death ). I meditate and am always thinking about some deep philosophical questions. Anyways, to continue.
I decided that I wanted to take 10 hits ( Crazy, I know ). My tongue burned and I could literally feel the acid in my throat. After I took the 10 hits, only about 10 minutes later it hit me hard. Now acid is supposed to take – on average – about an hour for the effects to start kicking in, but I felt like I was tripping on 4 hits after just 10 minutes. As a result of the expedited effects, I started to panic. I was sitting in a chair watching my cousin play video games. I told him that I needed to lie down and relax because of how intense the acid was getting. I lied down and watched my cousin play video games. Reality began to slowly slip away and I began to experience intense emotional shifts. After about two hours (I think) I lost touch with time, space and any concept of myself. I felt like I was everything ( for lack of better words ). It didn’t stop there either.
The intensity just kept rising and rising until I reached a point where My whole life was right in front of me. I wouldn’t just remember events from my past that I had completely forgot about, I would actually experience them as if I was there. This was very intimidating.
After what felt like eternity, I got up and surprisingly found the bathroom. I pissed and decided it would be a good Idea to take a shower. I turned on the shower, stripped down and stumbled in. It was the most amazing shower I had ever and probably will ever take. It felt like sex times 100. Something strange began to happen while I was in the shower though. I began to think about my life and where I was at at the moment. I began to think about depressing thoughts like “you’re not going anywhere with life, you mine as well just off yourself.” and “you’re just a burden on your family and friends.” This escalated into what I can only describe as hell. Now I haven’t mentioned this yet, but my emotions would transform what I was seeing. My cousins face would change along with the environment around me substantially depending on how I felt . So, back to the hellish situation… I felt like I had died and was now in hell. This wasn’t very pleasant as you can probably imagine. I wish I had more details on this specific time in the trip, but it was extremely intense and I can’t remember much, but it was very very very very real to me, I literally thought I had died and was in hell.
So after who knows how long, I turned of the shower, dried off, got dressed and went back to my cousins room. Now I was still in the mind set that I was dead and in hell, so this altered the way I perceived things significantly. I lied back down and continue watching the tv. My cousin turned on some death metal, and this is when things went strait downhill. The genre name and the vibes put out by the music put me in such a negative state of mind that I began to think insane thoughts. At one point I started to hear a voice that sounded very realistic. It told me that I knew too much and that my cousin was going to kill me now. I forgot to mention that life made perfect sense, I felt like I knew everything, and so this “voice” scared the shit out of me when it said this. I immediatly jumped out of bed and ran out of the house. I was barefoot and it was about 40 degrees, but I sprinted like I had never sprinted before down the street like a maniacxD It’s actually quite funny now that I think about it. After I reached the end of the street something snapped in me and I stopped, turned around and walked back to the house. I got inside and my cousin was like ” what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Why did you just run out of the house and sprint down the street?! I couldn’t really talk so I just told him I don’t know. I realized that I needed to calm down so I layed down and tried to think positive. For some reason I just couldn’t think positive, so I just layed there and waited it out.
Now I need to stress that after the whole shower incident, I literally remained in that state of mind ( that I was dead and in hell ) for the entire trip and a week or so afterwards. Think god I was able to get out of that state of mind, but it was horrific. Needless to say, that lsd trip drastically altered my perception of reality, but in a good way. I realize how powerful thoughts are, they literally bend your reality and can actually make you do things if there’s enough emotion behind them. I also should mention that during the trip I was a believer in solipsism. It literally felt as if I was the only thing that existed, and that everything else around me was just a figment of my imagination. I felt like I was god in a way. I don’t believe that anymore though. Anyways, I just want people to realize that negativity can destroy your life quick if you give it enough time. Don’t let negative thoughts take hold of you, I know it’s really hard for some people ( like me ) but it’s an extremely horrible feeling to allow negativity to take hold of your mind. And I also highly disapprove of doing acid, or at-least more than 4 hits of it.
While I am glad you had good insights and are probably walking away from the experience with an improved outlook on life, I would greatly discourage anyone to use psychedelics in such a irresponsible way as you have done. If you had 2 ‘hits’ and you felt nothing, you didn’t have acid. If you tasted anything while ingesting the tabs, you didn’t have acid. You obviously didn’t test it but decided to take 10 hits of a unknown substance – some of the most common LSD-like substances are lethal in this dose and thus could have potentially ended your life, thus traumatising your family and make legalisation of psychedelics a more distant dream for all of us. Your set and setting was horrible and not conducive to a healing experience at all.
I understand that depression goes hand in hand with apathy, and that you probably couldn’t have known this before, but you should really start taking care of yourself and others better. This is not the way to treat any living being, especially yourself.
Yes, I do agree with you. I’m glad I didn’t die ( although at the time I literally thought I was dead ). And I’m also glad that I don’t have any brain damage, at-least as far as I can tell. I’m happy that I realize how precious life is and how fragile it is also as a result of the experience. And Hey, atleast I didn’t jump out of a window thinking I could fly, I’m not stupid!
The trip showed me that my mind can handle a LOT more than I thought it could, which I am extremely thankful for! I also discourage people from doing lsd unless they have a strict plan and are around people that they are comfortable with. I HIGHLY recommend people to NOT do more than 4 hits of acid, and if you do do as much as I did, then be thoroughly prepared for the trip.
So the most important thing about all of this is: you probably took another drug, not LSD. Even at 10 hits you would likely not be able to taste much.
Sarcasm aside, what a ride that was to read.
What I’d like to say is that what you just wrote is what life is about. Experiencing things, up or down. Sad, hellish, awesome, blissful. All experiences are worth having. When just a few weeks ago I drank too much THC lemonade, I thought I was in hell and I was trapped in a parking garage for all of eternity. That death would be no escape, and that eternity was going to be suffering and insanity. Needless to say it was a great time… (ahem).
The other part I’d point out is when you said your brothers face shifted to resemble how you generally felt – that isn’t just LSD. That is what we do – that is what depression is, a veil placed over your reality. Your perspective is absolutely controlled, always, by how you feel. When you look in the mirror and you feel like shit, how do you look? When you look in the mirror and you’re feeling great, how do you look?
A dark room when you’re depressed is so much darker. Happiness and you don’t even realize its dark.
Reality itself doesn’t have dark or light rooms, we paint that picture ourselves.
Yeah this. Feeling is primary, they are the roots of the thoughts. Yes, you can change your thoughts and change the root, just a bit, but it is much better to just get out there, take care of yourself, and really develop those roots. Amazing thoughts will follow.
It was old acid supposedly, I watched the guy drop the liquid acid on some captain crunch, and shortly after I ate them. Now I do know that acid should be clear, odorless, and tasteless. That being said it had a slight pinkish color to it and it smelled and tasted like alcohol. It did feel like an acid trip, but it was too intense for me to remember the characteristics of the visuals and other aspects, thus not allowing me to compare the effects to my prior lsd trips.
I do have flashbacks when I smoke weed, so i’ve actually quite smoking weed. I don’t drink alcohol or anything now, that’s how significant of an impact it had on my psyche.
And another thing… I’m more creative and more sensitive to qualia, which I find extremely intriguing. I’m trying to get a Phd in neuroscience, so hopefully one day I can do research on lsd like substances and find something of great value to help people with mental disorders. I know we already have substances that helps the brain produce more neurotransmitters to “temporarily” cure the mental ailment, but I want to find out how to permanently cure the mental ailment. And I would love to scan my brain to see if it shut down parts of it or altered the chemical mechanisms.