Here I come, one more time, to ask for advice in this beautiful community.
For the last month, I’ve pretty much lost my shit. I can’t really describe how I feel, because part of the problem is that I feel like I’m a freaking zombie, dead inside. I’ve been living in a state of constant fear. Not fear of external things, like getting stabbed in the chest by a maniac or getting sick by touching money, but of a sort of existential fear. Fear of thoughts, concepts. Because lately every thought I have brings doubt and fear to a generalized level. I know doubt and fear are part of life, but the problem here is that it has gotten way out of hand. I really can’t process information anymore, everything gets taken to the extremes. If I read something about ‘living in the present’, my mind makes it look like I have to be every freaking second on the fucking present so I can be happy. And it’s like that for everything. And of course I don’t go that way, so I feel worried and guilty, because ‘I’m not doing what’s right’. I can’t be excited for things anymore because that’s ‘living in the future’. I can’t make decisions about my life because ‘life has to be spontaneous’. If I think about doing anything, there’s the response of ‘you HAVE to live in the present, don’t think about doing things’. It gets way too extreme, and I always get back to rock bottom. That’s the sort of thought pattern I’m struggling with. I used the word ‘I’ here but it’s not like I’m doing these things counsciously. They just happen, even though I know it’s just something going on in my mind. I feel the pain. The fear that something horrible will happen if I don’t believe this intrusive thoughts. And there is the idea that if I don’t have this thought patterns, I will necessarily become a mindless tool for society. One or other.
I can’t focus on things anymore. I might get a glimpse of what’s going around me, but I soon shift back to a zombie state. I feel paralized sometimes, like I can’t even move because that would be a freaking disaster. I can’t even express myself fully, I don’t know what I feel, it’s confusing.
Yeah, I’m already familiar with the whole ‘living in the present’ protocol. I already meditate, and eat healthy. This simply started happening. I have basically all symptoms of OCPD, although I have not been diagnosed. It never bothered me this much until now.
If anyone has any advice on this situation, I’d REALLY appreciate.
It sounds to me like you are going through a period of spiritual detachment,
whether you are aware of it or not. Many people are now experiencing their
higher level consciousness trying to burst out in conflict with the ego.
Because there is really not that much information in the marketplace to explain
this, when one encounters it they feel lost and confused. One’s higher level
consciousness, or spirit self, can’t share power with the ego. I would suggest
that much of the fear you are feeling is a result of the ego wanting to make
you stay under its control, manipulating your emotions in the midst of your
a lot of cases, people’s spirit self is pushing to come out, regardless of
whether one has any knowledge of the process taking place or not. If this is
the case with you, then the ego is pushing back against your spirit consciousness
by creating these emotions of worry and guilt for ‘not doing things right’.
What your ego consciousness feels is ‘right’ is in conflict with what your
spirit self is trying to lead you to understand, thus you have this inner
turmoil creating these problems. You have no firm definitions about this
process and thus these feelings are causing this inner conflict.
people start to advance in spirit, or are trying to, such psychological
conflicts often arise. In fact, they are more the rule than the exception. When
the ego is being pushed aside, it fights back through abusing one’s emotions to
keep the individual under the control of the ego and its perceived reality.
What you are describing in your post sounds like this type of inner conflict
between the spirit consciousness and the ego consciousness. On one hand you are
starting to recognize the fruitlessness of the ego world, which is causing this
zombie-like disconnect, but on the other hand, you can’t understand what is
taking place or where you might be going. The fact that the doctrines you cite
are not working for you should stand as evidence that they are not as valid spiritual
teachings as many people presume them to be. If I am correct in this
assessment, then diet and belief systems are not going to aid you much in this
hard period of transition. It is a transition of consciousness, and it is never
easy for anyone. Admittedly, I am only working from the limited information you
offered in this post, so I’m working from a best analysis situation based on
past experience with others. If you want, you can private message me to discuss
it more if this assessment seems to fit with what you are feeling.
interestingly, before i finished reading, i was thinking, “this sounds like Primarily Obsessive OCD.”
in the past, i’ve diagnosed myself with this condition. there will be periods where i cannot stop the intrusive thoughts. i just get caught in these rabbit holes and feel that i have to keep thinking about them to try to reach some kind of conclusion, but thinking more about it *always* makes things worse. it always just amplifies the irrational thoughts and makes them more powerful.
for me, at least, i have developed the ability to manage this condition pretty well. if i realize that i am starting to go down a rabbit hole or am becoming obsessed with self-defeating thoughts about things i can’t control, i do whatever i can to focus on something else. it might seem like this is “not confronting the problem,” but i have found it to be the most effective way for me to cope. i will read, or talk to someone, or exercise, or draw, or do something, anything, that captures my attention. after a few days of doing this, it seems like my brain is “re-trained” to not focus on the thoughts, and they just kind of dissipate and lose their power. so this is what i would recommend.
it also sounds like you might benefit from what i think is called “cognitive-behavioral therapy.” i think this mainly consists in exposing yourself to the things that frighten you to show yourself that your fear is irrational. so, you might *force* yourself to make a decision about the future — something as simple as making plans for the weekend and following through with them. as you probably know, it certainly doesn’t make one a “sheep” to make some plans and have a long-term vision for one’s life. i too am extremely spontaneous and an improviser, but i recognize that plans and goals are sometimes necessary structuring mechanisms that can make life more fulfilling.
another thing i thought of reading your post is that it sounds like a “dark night of the soul” period, akin to what Nietzsche called the “lion stage” in his famous description of the three metamorphoses that one undergoes on the path to liberation, or becoming Ubermensch. personally, i think these metamorphoses are cyclic, as i seem to have gone through each of them many times. often, it seems that what lurks on the other side of the Lion stage is a period of great freedom, joy, and child-like happiness. so keep going. this too shall pass. if you want to read a comprehensive essay on Nietzsche’s theory, read this.
i wish you all the best. be well. i hope you’ll find your way out of this labyrinth soon.