More than anything….

Meghan (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago

I know that as a human being, I have the same capabilities and possibilities as anyone else, for the most part. I can do anything, be anything that I want to be. As long as I try and don’t give up. But if I could do anything, I would want to change the minds of the people I love and care about. Or anyone that is suffering, for that matter. I was deeply depressed for over six years. In February my life was the biggest shit storm, it was just hard. I was having all these big, difficult things thrown at me all at once. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. But as it was all starting, I spent some time by myself and thought- “okay…this can make me or break me.” I felt like I could either let everything tear me apart, and I could end up being even more of a broken down, sad, empty person than I already was. Or I could grow the fuck up and be strong. So I chose the second one. I focused on the things that occupied my mind when I was alone, which I realized was all negativity, and I changed it. I started being more helpful to other people. I speak my mind when I feel it’s necessary, because there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. I just feel like I’ve transformed. And I feel great. But now, I’m watching family and friends struggle. Life is not easy. But I just wish everyone could see it like I do now. If I could do anything I would mold their minds so they can think more logically and positively. I wouldn’t take away the pain, but I would take away the hopelessness. The feeling that things will never get better. I would take away the loneliness, and the negative mindsets.

My biggest struggle is my mother. She has been a drug addict for as long as I can remember. Me being a young girl that was silly and just loved making people laugh, I could never make her laugh. I could never cheer her up. So I felt this overwhelming need to try and fix everyone else, because I knew I couldn’t fix her. It broke my heart every time I would think “this is so funny it will totally make her laugh!” But it never did.

I’m 20 years old so I’m at that point where everyone keeps asking me what I want to do or what I want to be. Well, I wish people would stop asking because I don’t know. I don’t really care about making money, but obviously I need it to survive. But if it was up to me, I’d live in a fucking tree and just have the power to make everyone happy.

May 27, 2012 at 12:41 am
jallal (1) (@jallal) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

You keep doing what your doing, because we need more people to cause chain-reaction of smiles. I always tell myself, Get by Giving…Give others Smiles, and in turn you will receive yours :)

ps: I understand what you mean by not being able to get them to smile. I feel I’m a natural introvert but made an extrovert in order to have others validate the empty space that was made by the lack of my parents validation

[Hidden]
El Duderino (29) (@eldude) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

Haha wow that first paragraph pretty much describes me this time last year. You are young enough that you still just need to focus on yourself – even if your friends or your mom or whoever are in a bad place, chances are if they’ve made it this long they won’t crash and burn and they’ll still be in the exact same position a few years from now. With that in mind, you need to get as much space as you need and just live your life the way you know in your heart that you should be living it – if that is valid and you actually manage to carve out a somewhat happy and meaningful life the people around you will recognize the change and naturally come to you for answers. Believe me, nobody wants to be told what to do so you need to show them.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@jallal, Exactly! to have a friend you have to be a friend :) and that makes sense. It’s weird growing up and getting away from your parents, and finally realizing you can be someone different. Not that you should forget where you came from, but not everything my dad taught me was right.

@eldude, Glad you can relate. And you’re right, I am still young. It’s frustrating sometimes, trying to help. Because I know all the things I’m saying to them, are the same things people said to me when I was down in the dumps. And I never really listened or understood, either. I guess best I can do is let them know I care. That’s probably all they really need…
But thank you, that was really good advice!

[Hidden]
pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

My parents were alcoholics, so I understand how you feel. You can’t fix anyone and you shouldn’t try. Work on yourself and what you want and stay away from relationships in which the other person is immature or abuses drugs/alcohol or has some other issues. The more you experience and know, the less you will feel like hiding, especially if you don’t have high expectations that something is also going to fix YOU or that everything has to be perfect. Good luck.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@epath, Thank you very much!

[Hidden]
docpaleo (19) (@docpaleo) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

What Pat said – mine too.

I learned early to move past it and make what I could of myself. Now I’m 54, married for thirty years, and enjoy everyday of life.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@docpaleo, That’s great!!! It gives me hope to know that there are older people out there who have happy lives. It seems like everybody I know is just miserable. So thank you :)

[Hidden]
pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan, It’s difficult to both let go and hang on, if you know what I mean. Towards the end of my mom’s life, she had quit drinking and told me how sorry she was. I had long ago forgiven her and my dad, but also felt at a young age that I had to get away from them for long periods of time. Sometimes that is what it takes.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@epath, That’s how I feel too. I feel so much happier being away, but sad that I left my sister behind to deal with them alone. My mom has apologized before, but it wasn’t sincere in the least bit. I’m pretty sure my dad made her do it.

[Hidden]
epiphaniesarefun (3) (@epiphaniesarefun) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan, I know exactly what the feels like: letting go and hanging on. My mother was an alcoholic… I remember when I went off to college I felt a mix of happiness to be free and sadness to leave my dad alone to fight. It always sounds backwards and few people understand when I say this, but I’m grateful my mother was that way because she taught me, by silhouettes, what I truly wanted to be and what happiness could and couldn’t be. If I hadn’t had that, I think my road to my humble happiness would have been much, much longer.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@epiphaniesarefun, I’m slowly realizing that this is what I’m supposed to learn from her, as well. When things started getting really bad with her just a few months ago, that’s when I looked at her and thought “I could be you someday, easily. Unless I change now.” So that’s what I’m doing. I’m changing and finding the right tools to help me maintain a healthy state of mind.

But it’s still hard because I worry. and some days I wonder if I’m going crazy, just like her. She’s crazy. She’s not just a drug addict she is just insane. I don’t even know her. It’s just a lot to take in and not have anyone actually to go to that understands. So it’s good to know that I am not alone and we have learned the same things from this.

[Hidden]
epiphaniesarefun (3) (@epiphaniesarefun) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan, I totally understand that feeling: my mother used to do all sorts of insane things. One day when I came home from school all of the furniture was outside. I came home with my dad and he asked why the furniture was outside, “It’s because I was afraid the bubble world would collapse and I wanted to save the furniture.” My dad just sighed and starting moving the stuff back in the house. That always amazed me. I’m fairly sure I would have said some choice four letter words, first. But when you have a family member like that…it is SO easy to let even minor screw ups become a question of, “But am I becoming like him/her?” For me, that question always loomed…for a long time. But, for me, the solace lies in the face that I happen to like who I am….and what I’m becoming. So, as long as I can say yes to those two questions, even if, sometimes, I forget what light feels like, it’s alright. Because I know that where I am, is where I truly chose to be.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@epiphaniesarefun, I’m glad you replied to this. That helps me. Yeah my mom did some weird shit too. Especially when she got kicked out of the house. Once she showed up at 2 am and started hugging my dad in his sleep. And another time I had to break up a physical fight between my parents in front of my little sister. I am normally quiet and mellow but I had to scream and cuss at her to get her to stop. She was always stealing my and my sister’s money. She’d take my debit card and then when I realized she used it she’d say she asked me and I told her she could use it. She just lied A LOT and I try really hard to not let that affect my trust in other people. But you’re absolutely right. Thanks, I will refer back to what you said if I’m ever having one of those “shit am I going crazy” days.

[Hidden]
hummingbird (5) (@lovejunkie) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan, I read in a book that when people avoid their problems by using drugs or alcohol, the substitute becomes more painful then the suffering it was designed to avoid. “The neurosis itself becomes the biggest problem” This is where the idea that suffering is valuable comes from. Face your problems head on. <3
In the book it also describes a relationship between mother and child being the ground on which the child's sense of identity begins to grow so what you described in the first post is completely normal and the fact that your mother chose drugs rather than facing her problems you are now stuck doing the very hard painful stuff, but keep doing it, man. It totally pays off. Just be careful that you don't lose focus on your own happiness by trying to make others happy. <3

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lovejunkie, Thanks pal. I am getting better with a lot of these things. I’d say my main problem is that I struggle with thinking she is going to get better. She is supposedly “recovering” but I’m not impressed with her so-called changes. She seems to only be sucking up to my dad so he won’t kick her out again. Because I mean, what 40 year old woman wants to live with their parents? That seemed to be her main concern when she was kicked out in the first place. I mean I’m not completely miserable because of this, I used to be. I just have those days where I’m like come on guys please just be happy!

And that second paragraph totally made sense. I feel like I’ve had to make myself from scratch, if that makes sense.

[Hidden]
epiphaniesarefun (3) (@epiphaniesarefun) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan, Glad I could help, even a little bit :-)

[Hidden]
hummingbird (5) (@lovejunkie) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

It’s a good thing you have detached from her but it’s still good to offer some support. Man, it really is our parents’ fault!!!! I’m making myself from scratch and I am 26 years old. Argh!

[Hidden]
Brandon P’naantan Pinkney (321) (@hlalhabattu) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@meghan I feel for you, you are a beautiful person for feeling this way. but like I’ve learned from the fireflies, no matter how dark things are around you, you can still shine. I hope hings go well for you in the future

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lovejunkie, It truly is lol it’s okay though. It’s kind of interesting. I’ve basically been focusing on things that I don’t like about myself, and then I dissect that quality. Why am I that way? Once I think I have it figured out, I change it. And that’s ok! That’s what I plan on doing my whole life lol constantly making improvements.

@hlalhabattu, Thank you! :) That’s a great way of looking at it. That’s sweet of you, thanks!

[Hidden]
pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lovejunkie, Sure, but it was their parents’ fault and their parents’ parents’ fault before that. The blame game only works so far to heal scars. After that, you have to realize that you alone now are in control of your destiny. I’d like to think that I am a stronger person because of what I went through. I’d like not to have gone through it, but it made me see thinks in a sort of panorama instead of with blinders.

[Hidden]
Meghan (218) (@meghan) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@epath, I feel the same way about seeing things differently because of everything I’ve been through. I feel like I’m more grateful and compassionate than people who have had everything handed to them and never really knew what it was like to struggle.

[Hidden]
hummingbird (5) (@lovejunkie) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

Hell yeah girls!

[Hidden]
Viewing 21 reply threads
load more