My first Ayahuasca Ceremony

Nicholland (@nicholland) 6 years, 3 months ago

I waited for 1 week to write it because I wanted also report
about the first changes and practical effects of it on my life.
First of all let me introduce myself and tell you more on
how I discovered the vine of the soul.

I am a 41 years old man who just around my 40th
birthday realized that I needed to change few things in my life and I did
actually, the most evident change was to become an entrepreneur because I
wanted to build something for me and stop being a modern slave enriching an
evil boss. If I was just less shy I had to admit I had a burnout but I didn’t,
so for some months, actually a year, I made life difficult to my lovely wife
and although I could see my mistakes I could not break the pattern of my
negative thinking which lead me to sudden explosion of rage followed by lazy,
lonely, apparently quiet time during which I was constantly thinking about the
unfairness of some people at work and although I was leaving the company I was
dying inside because I could not free my emotions and say what I wanted because
I wanted to negotiate instead of getting fired and lose some money.

So after years of very stressful years of being a sales
executive, I decide to quit and take some time to rest.
During the resting pause just after I quit my last job I
decided to find my balance through meditation, exercising and reading. One of
my interest has always been quantum physics and astronomy so while I was
spending entire days at home watching videos and reading I got in contact with
Tom Campbell’s trilogy , my big toe ( theory of everything) and Joseph
Campbell’s videos about comparative religions and myths.
Those books and notions were like seeds planted in my brain
waiting for being watered with ayahuasca and then finally grow.

I first discovered Ayahuasca during a youtube video of
London Real , it was during an interview to Dan Pena, a particular man who was
very successful in business and he is a coach now, he is very aggressive and
direct and his way to communicate to people contains profanity, but since I
also believe that many people misuse good manner just to be fake and sneaky or
they pay attention to the form instead of the meaning I actually liked him and
his energy. Dan Pena is actually against Ayahusca he declares himself an Alpha
Male and somebody who doesn’t hide behind excuses and doesn’t waste time on
spiritual things because only money is important, nonetheless I heard of
Ayahuasca during his interview and somehow he helped me to try.

I am not Dutch but I live in the Netherlands, a country I
like for the many opportunities that has to offer and the open mindset of his
people, so try Ayahuasca here is not difficult , I just googled it and I book
my ceremony 1 month before with an Ayahuasquero who regularly organizes
ceremonies in English, so also for expat, in Amsterdam.
I go to this big room inside a yoga center and I see many
yoga mattresses and on each of them there is a small pillow and a blanket and
of course a plastic bucket where to puke.
At this moment I already know about the hallucinations, the
sense of unity and how Ayahuasca can have a spiritual impact but my first
feeling in this room is a kind of disappointment, I feel like inside the movie
Inception, when people use drugs to have and share lucid dreams.
( Tom Campbell talks actually about lucid dreams and
explains them from a kind of scientific way based on his theory)

I take my place and the ceremony starts, the Ayahuasquero is
a woman, she starts to thank the plant and she even names the Archangel Gabriel
and I am thinking “ what the hell is this?” I almost feel ashamed to be there
but nobody knows me and I stop to care although I feel much different from all
those people, I suppose they smoke weed and never achieved anything in life and
they are here just for fun, just to get wasted, or they are this kind of people
who despise money and  meditate and use
religion and spiritual practice just to hide their unwillingness and inability
to make some money and live a decent and comfortable life. I start to miss my
rolex and my hermes belt . Yes this is my ego talking before Ayahuasca.

We get some tobacco and we need to keep it  in our hands and focus on our intention for
this ceremony, I asked  Ayahuasca to “
release all the pain from the past and show me my way to love and joy”
Finally the moment arrives, I get my first shot of
The taste is strong but not that terrible as people
reported, I lay down, close my eyes and wait for the effects of the drink while yoga indian music is being played.  After 30 minutes I feel nothing, sometimes I open my eyes to see if I see
something strange and check the time, nothing, no effect whatsoever.
If I feel something, like my stomach complaining for being
empty for too long, I start to analyze it but I am very disappointed. I feel
like vomiting but I keep myself from doing it, I hate vomiting and especially
in front of others and looking like an idiot, although I heard other people
doing it.

Finally the second round, I take a second shot and go back
to lay down. This time the nausea is much stronger and I decide that if I have
to vomit I will I just want to let it go and see what happens and if nothing
happens, vomiting will probably make me feel better and so I can go home
I keep telling me “ what the hell, what a waste of time and
money, what will I tell to my wife and friends? I will look like an idiot!”
then I think “ but why you think this, why is that important? Do you care about
their opinion?”
This is the time I am in contact with something wise,
ayahuasca is working but without hallucinations and so I am still convinced
it’s an internal chat.

Because I was expecting the hallucinations I still believe
that it’s me thinking but I start to notice that I get beautiful questions and
amazing answers, I am so deep in this conversation that time is flying and when
I open my eyes instead of my calculated 30 minutes, 2 hours are gone and I am
still thinking that it didn’t work but then I realized what happened, my
questions were answered, my intention was achieved and I got the most profound
experience of my life.
I feel I lost all the pain and sorrow related to some people
that was bothering for years because now I understand exactly what happened and
how my ego was messing up with me.
I feel everything is so clear about my path to love and joy
and it is not just feeling or knowing it’s really understand it in a way that I
never experience before.

The days after I was feeling blessed and in a state of
grace. I noticed that I am very calm and that the same things that were
bothering me or ruining my mood aren’t that strong anymore, I am able to notice
them but with distance, without emotional attachment, so I still notice them
but I am able not to care and so they have no influence on my life.
After 1 week I am able to discern the truth from my ego
because I understood the principle so I dont need ayahuasca again.
I think that many of the answers are influenced by the
knowledge I had, since I was already interested on discovering the truth about
life, and I already started a kind of enlightenment journey, but ayahuasca made
everything clear, it took all this pieces of information I had, organize them
and  let me understand them on a
completely new level.
To explain how deep is this understanding to people who
never tried ayahuasca is like explaining a color to a born-blind person and try
to explain what I learned is like to run a marathon which is almost impossible
for some people and very easy for others depending on their condition and

I just write some of the revelations I had if you can
understand them then we are probably at the same level of a similar path
otherwise it doesn’t matter just keep following your own path, just keep
looking for answers and eventually you will see the truth too. I am sure about
this because when I read about the experiences of others I see they got the
same conclusions, even people who never tried ayahuasca, people who lived
centuries ago and in different continents they all reached the same conclusion
because we are all human, we are all the same and there is one truth and we can
all reach that.

So here we go

Everybody lives inside his own reality. Reality
is what we perceive and it is influenced by our Ego which manifests through our
beliefs, emotions, feelings, prejudices, personal point of view. Our ego
creates our reality and our comfort zone, a zone where we are used to live and
we feel safe although it is often not comfortable at all.

The same event is perceived by different people
on different ways, so there is a reality which is objective ( the event)  and an experience ( event + our ego ) which
is personal and the different personal experiences create personal conflicts
because our ego fools us and it makes us thinking what is right and we want to
be right.  

Ego is a lie, ego is when you start to think in
terms of you vs somebody else. When you use the word “my” in your discussion or
thought that’s your ego talking. Without “my”, you lose ego, you lose identity,
you realize that there is not bad or good, wrong or right because those are
personal opinions created by your ego. When I got this I realized that I gave
pain to myself, my ego gave me pain and made me angry and fight with others, in
fact other people, and myself, could have got a different reaction to the same
event, including a good experience out of what in the past turned out for me a
bad experience, a conflict. ( when I realized this I forgot about all the pain
and anger towards others people, it was my ego and I am not my ego)

Ego is a lie because is giving the idea that we are
different than others and this restricts our reality. It’s a lie because the
truth is we are all the same. I mean deep in us, we share the same human nature
and human nature is good, it’s love, we are all love.

There is no God, there is no good and bad, good
and bad are opinions from an ego. Some religions are based on the figure of a
God who is actually a big scary ego who decide what is good, and can punish you.
That’s just a bigger ego created by the ego of men. Inside of us, outside of us,
the fabric of everything is love and without ego you can experience that and you
can be reunited to love through the experience. ( the reunion with God is a common
concept in many religions, now I changed god with love and I understand it and I
can separate the real god, love, from the god made by ego absed on superstitions
and fear)

Our personal growth is directly related to the
quantity of unconditional love we can share with others and it’s inverse
related to the size of our ego. Unconditional love is the real and only meaning
of life.

If there is something that you don’t like in
your life it’s because you are not true to yourself, you are taking actions
based on your fear, your self-gratification so basically things related to your
ego so you can never be happy or satisfied. But you are love so you are true to
yourself when you choose and take actions based on love. If you choose based on
love and not ego, you will love your life because you built a life that reflect
your inner love so you realize yourself , your nature.

It’s ok to be rich, it’s ok desiring
materialistic things but like any choice the difference is on the real inner
motivation, if it is your ego ( I want to prove to somebody else that I am good
and better than them ) or it’s love and sharing. I want to make my wife happy with
this gift and thank her for all she does for me or I want to share experiences like
an holiday in an amazing place with my family. Can u see the difference and how
intentions work? That’s why people can be rich and unhappy, if their success is
based on ego their success is based on lies.

Dreams, hallucinations, sixth sense is a way
used by love to tell you something. Sometimes we have no notions, our ego is
still to big, we have too many prejudices so we need dreams to get a certain message.
Don’t try to rationalize, that would be your ego-mind possibly tricking you,
just feel , follow your guts, follow your feelings that is when you are true to
yourself and the choices you take are the one that are good and needed for your
own journey.

  It’s ok to keep distance from people that suck
your energy and have a bad effect on your life, whoever they are. Don’t judge
them, don’t be angry with them, love them and move on. You would never ask your
little son to understand relativity immediately so it is about adults. Some
people are just slow on the journey of personal growth so you if you have no
ego you would never try to convince them about something because you are not
better than them, just give them a hint, if you can, and leave them to their process.
One maybe day will use that hint or maybe not and doesn’t matter. It is our own
reality nobody can push you and it would be of no utility because we must enjoy
and use any moment of this journey.

10 is a nice number to stop and so
here I finish, I learned many more things but I think those are the one anybody
can easily understand. My point here is to give you some hints about reality,
ego and love but most importantly is to advise you to try the Ayahuasca.

My suggestion is considering to
try it after you study more about reality, when you have a clear intention and
question to ask. Better the question better the answer.
Don’t try it for fun, that it
would be an intention based on ego and probably you might have an unpleasant revelation.
Unpleasant because it will conflict with your ego and it will probably come to
you as dark scary hallucination, which is the only way to communicate with you,
by-passing your ego, if you are not ready and have no knowledge to understand the
Ayahuasca language.

All of this is of course my own
personal reality and if you think I said a lot of stupidity , still it doesn’t
mean you should not try the experience of Ayahuasca and keep going on your
personal journey.
It’s one week since my first
ceremony and I feel still blessed, I didn’t lose my temper even once, I think
some relationships are already working better and this because people feel the
change in me.
I started to study something I wanted
to learn for years but I never did because I didn’t see any utility before but
now I do just because I love it.
People approached me with new business
ideas I always liked, it’s a kind of coincidence or synchronicity for better

I hope all this will stay with me,
this blessed state of detachment from negative emotions, this feeling of going
with the flow and blindly trust that the destination is going to be awesome.
I hope you will feel that too and if
more people will feel then the world is going to be a much better place.                                   

March 19, 2016 at 7:56 am
Nicholland (0) (@nicholland) 6 years, 3 months ago ago

sorry for my bad English and punctuation, but i am sure you will get it.

Tone Tone (71) (@spreadthelove) 6 years, 3 months ago ago

I’m surprised more people haven’t commented on this. I really enjoyed reading this. Can’t wait to do Ayahuasca. I am at constant battle with my ego because I don’t like the thoughts that pop into my head or actions I take sometimes. These thoughts and actions are fueled by my ego. I want to be loving and empathetic to everyone I encounter but my ego gets in the way sometimes. I’m also confused with which direction I should go for the next chapter of my life. I’m 24 and have a ton of opportunities but I’m not sure which to take.

Nicholland (0) (@nicholland) 6 years, 3 months ago ago

Thanks, it makes me happy you enjoyed reading my experience and that’s probably because ( like I said) we are almost on the same level of our journey so you can understand me and my words are  useful for you in this moment ( it is not coincidence, it’s not just accidental that you replied to me).

I see 2 points in your message

1. about ego

2. about direction

i am not giving you advises, because it would be my ego thinking i am better and able to give you advises, i am giving you my point of view and you should question it, try it and only after that refuse or accept it ( that’s growing) 

1. you don’t need to think ( or want) to love somebody. love is a feeling once you “think” to love, you are screwing it up.

Your real inner nature is love, if you allow yourself to be simply yourself, than you just love and you cannot do anything else. It’s good you can see that Ego is blocking you from loving,  then you can already think why you want to love, why you want to be a good person? it’s because you need approval, because you want to be labeled from somebody else as a “nice person” ? it’s your real intention that shows you if it is your ego involved or pure love.

I am thinking about things that happen normally in our society. This is a real done experiment, people see a poor guy lay down in pain on the street and they won’t stop, normally more people will stop if the person is nice dressed and many wont even stop if he was dressed in a $10K  great Brioni suit.  why people dont stop? and i mean people like you, me and your neighbors in a civilized country. they don’t stop because they are scared to look weak, sweet, too much altruistic to the other people. So our ego it is saying something like ” if other normal people don’t help him, you don’t help him too, otherwise the normal people will think you are strange, different, probably a loser, because have you ever seen Harvey Specter on Suit to help homeless on the street?” 

But the ability of unconditional loving, like i said, it’s our life’s destination so dont push it , just let it go out of your heart knowing that’s your real nature. check your intentions and let your good feelings guide you.

2. direction. the truth is you have already all the answers you need inside you. I tell you this confused me at first, because like everybody else it would be so great to buy a book, attend a seminar and get your life transformed instantly by a coach who can fix your life, and can give you answers just as easy as to take paracetamol to stop an headache but that would mean to skip your challenge, to take a shortcut and ultimately fuck yourself. Imagine this like people who wants to lose weight and drink tea without exercising. they wont get fit because didnt learn how to be fit, they dint learn how to love themselves. Same principle in life, you wont be able to find your way if you don’t screw up so don’t worry and don’t be scared or confused by your ego-mind. Again just think first about your intentions based on love and follow the path that your good intentions ( not ego)  are showing you and you will be fine, with some challenges and screw up but overall happy because you are following your call. reading books , talking to people and question everything they say will help you tremendously but never expect a solution from outside you, they must come for your reality, from your consciousness.

If you want you can send me a private message and you could describe more your issues , i wont give you advises, but i will give you questions to answer. if this will help you then you have helped me to have a small impact on your life and i see that as a personal growth. Although i might sound more like a spiritual person here,  I am not and I am very aware of money and personal success, so don’t expect easy, sweet questions. it doesn’t need to be easy, right?

with love



GoodCitizen (0) (@GoodCitizen) 6 years, 3 months ago ago

This is a really nice piece. I am wondering, is it possible for some love to be born out of ego and what would that love look like and how could you tell the difference between that love and the non-ego kind . . . do you have any insights to offer?

Nicholland (0) (@nicholland) 6 years, 3 months ago ago

Hi GoodCitizen,

Q: is it possible for some love to be born out of ego?
A: According to what I understand and FEEL about ego my answer is Not. You cannot have love out of ego. Ego is the opposite of Love , there is a kind of duality inside us and they are all manifestations of Love and Ego, they are sourced by one of those two. Just to name some, they are good-evil, emotion – rationality, love – fear, paradise – hell, God- Devil, harmony- conflict, happiness – sadness, we- me. Love and Ego are both inside us and compose us.
Q;  how could you tell the difference between that love and the non-ego kind ?
A. First of all if you are thinking to much you are giving too much space to your rational part which is ego. Love is a feeling is not a thought, and if you act following your feelings and really without ego, your actions would be based on unconditional love because that’s our nature, so you just act according to what is natural for you to be, easy for you to do. but unfortunately we have Ego who screws up everything so to get rid of it and feel unconditional love is the purpose of our life. ( that’s at least what i realized and feel)
You can still love yourself and that would not be Ego. how can you see the difference? from 2 things. your own feelings and intentions.
I try to use an example, let’s say I want to lose weight and get an hot body, like those models on Instagram.
So is this goal Ego related ? or love related? so I think what is my real intention for losing weight ? So Ego would push me to lose weight and get an hot body to show off my body, get attentions from girls, maybe I will think of taking steroids which I know can damage my body. Do all those reasons feel good with me? To be honest not. Deep inside me I always know what is good for me but if I follow my Ego i’d say , so what ? i’d shut up my feelings and follow my ego. Then i would probably end up always unsatisfied, taking more steroids till I become a monster or getting eating disorder problems or giving up and be always unsatisfied of my body because my ego would stop me from going to the gym and be on diet , trying to avoiding pain for working out or not having sugar. So you see Ego will always have fake intentions ( not related to your real nature of love and therefore fake) and bad results and bad feeling. Ego is evil.
On the other side i can think to lose weight because I love myself, because i believe i will have more self esteem, because i want to challenge my mental strength, because i want to be a model for my kids and teach them to respect their body and being healthy, also i can maybe motivate people who wants to lose weight and give a nicer sexual experience to my wife sharing my body with her.
Do those intentions feel right? to be honest i feel yes. To be stronger mentally is an improvement and it feels right, to be healthy feels right too. It also feels good to share something or trying to have a good impact on others. 
So we have here the same goal, but different intentions and feelings, as always we must choose between Love and Ego.
Clearly in the first case there is a pleasure, a sense of pride to show off a fit body but it is something that involves to get attentions, and so a feeling, from other people to me. I am not creating a feeling, i am not sharing a feeling, I am just taking a feeling from outside my reality and use it for my own personal ( ego) pleasure. Most importantly I am giving to other people the power to influence my reality and feelings. Does it feel good ? Does it feel like an improvement in my life? Again deep in us we already know the answer, the problem is who are you going to follow , your ego or your love? I am far from knowing anything, but i believe that using our free-will trying to choose for love, it is going to improve myself and the quality of my choices and ultimately the quality of my life and the people around me and once day for all of us.
Still today, Easter 2016, we talk about terrorism and I read once that no snowflake feels responsible for the avalanche, so are the people who blame politicians ( external conditions) for social problems but don’t even try to teach their kids any value, because to teach something we need to first learn and that requires effort, so we expect others people to fix our problem but that’s of no utility for our personal growth. The change starts firstly within us because we are responsible for our life and all the people around us. We must start changing our reality, asking questions and finding answers, finding challenges and solve them, finding and giving meaning to our life.

Can you imagine a world where everybody understand how ego and love work? a world free of mental restrictions, a world where everybody loves and respects everybody, a world where there is no need of tolerance because there is no difference, no religion, no false ego-made ideology, where each of us lives his life trying to be a better person in order to have a positive impact on everybody else? where people try to be the best they can in every aspect of their life.
Sometimes I imagine myself old with white hair and dressed in white, I imagine a world where i will dance every day on the beach looking at the sunset, listening to a song like the link below, keeping my wife hands and being between people i don’t know but sensing their happiness, closing my eyes, feeling the sun on my face and remembering all the people i loved, and all the people i hated and love them too. This is our real nature, we are not made to suffer, we are not here to fight and have pain, we are love. all of us.
I know it might sounds stupid to people with ego but i dream it anyway and i am not ashamed to write it here and that’s because i know the truth now. 

I imagine that as paradise. yes this is not going to happen today ( monday ) but maybe tomorrow ( tuesday ) so listen this , it’s my gift for you my dear GoodCitizen to thank you for pushing me to think , i hope it will give you the same good feelings it gives to me. 
way out west – tuesday maybe

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