Apologies for the long winded post in advance.
Last week I went out with a friend and her friends, got really drunk and ended up sleeping with one of her friends who was also really drunk, never met this guy before by the way so he was basically a stranger. I remember having a lot of fun with him whilst we were out up until we went home and ended up having sex, being the female that I am, I ended up getting somewhat attached to this experience and thought we might see each other more and start talking more.
The morning after, it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, we cuddled, kissed, he offered to take a longer route home so he could spend a little more time with me. When we left each other we said we’d see each other “soon”. He texted me as soon as I got home and we texted a bit more throughout the week.
At the end of the week, he suddenly called me for the first time and we were having some casual chit chat and then he let me know the real reason for his call – he called to apologise for what happened. Obviously I was confused because I thought we were at the stage of getting to know each other, I tried to hide the fact that it felt hurtful that he was apologising as if it was something bad that we did. He said it was fun and all but he didn’t want to “mislead” me and apparently his friend told him that he was telling everyone that I was going to be his girlfriend – not something I remember him saying or would I ever believe it if he’s saying it drunk. He told me that he was apologising for saying things he didn’t mean and that he only wanted to say things to me “if he really means it”. He also said I’m a nice girl and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I tried to get the reason out of him for apologising as if he was apologising because he DOESN’T want to get to know me and take things further then he should just say so I can forget about him, move on and stop wasting my time. The reason he gave me was that he felt like a ***head and wanted to “make himself feel better” and admitted it was selfish of him. As you can probably imagine, this made the phone conversation really awkward so I just asked if this is basically the end of us talking to each other and I was surprised to hear that he still wants to talk to me.
After that phone call I decided I would never contact him first ever again because I felt somewhat uncomfortable with what he said. I didn’t feel angry or hurt or even “misled” but rather confused that he would apologise and still want to talk to me. He initiated conversation the next day, but it was just small talk and today not even a hello. I’m really close to just giving up and deleting all existence of him but I’d really like some perspective on this if possible into what he really wants. It’s so hard because I don’t know him, I’d love to get to know him but at the moment I don’t feel I can tell him this in case he doesn’t want anything to progress after that night.
Does he want to get to know me or is he just forcing himself to talk to me because he feels somewhat obliged to because he’s a nice guy and doesn’t want to hurt me?
Why don’t you just call him and ask him whether he wants to date? Forget about apologizing for stuff in the past and just deal with now, and plan for the future. If you’re interested in him, call and tell him, and ask him to be honest about whether he is interested in you. If he is genuine and you want to continue, then continue. Try to avoid guessing games and just be straightforward. He may think you’re not interested if you don’t initiate any conversations.
He sounds like he is confused as well. I think if you want to text him, you can start a conversation just asking how its going, letting him know that youre still interested but dont push the conversation. Let him reciprocate and keep the convo going. If he doesnt, then he either is a wuss or just isnt interested. Maybe even both. Dont contact him more, let him contact you after that. If a guy likes a girl, he will make it happen.
Sure does sounds a bit strange, but maybe he has really high expectations of himself and his behaviour (not sleeping with strangers – and therefore calling you to underline that and to – as he said – to make himself feel better about his actions) – Not saying there’s anything wrong with it! but maybe he thinks so.. maybe he’s just insecure and wants some indication from you that you want him too and otherwise holding back.. either way, if you’re interested why play these “I’m not initiating contact first”-games, just put the cards on the table and let it play out, say you would like to see him again but he seems distanced and ask him whether he’s interested or not.. his answer will tell you what you need to know, any sidetracking then kick his ass to the kerb ;-P
I think you should talk to him. In my opinion (being a guy), we don’t usually continue to talk to a girl if we don’t have any interest just to make the girl feel better (as sad as that is). He probably felt that he had said things on the first night that shouldn’t have been said until many dates later and he got anxious about it. Continue to talk to him normally, however if you keep the mindset that he now needs to message you first and feel as though it is now weird between you two, the conversations will most likely be dull and not lead anywhere. If you still want to get to know him then get to know him, and hopefully it will work out for you!
As a guy, I’d agree with the others that your best bet would be to just talk to him outright. Guys don’t do well beating around the bush or playing mindgames (“I won’t initiate” is a very cruel mindgame from a guy’s perspective, just saying), so if you’re really that interested then say so. Invite HIM on a date, just for coffee and a walk or something, why not? You don’t have to be traditional, and the worst that will happen is he’ll say no and you can stop worrying :)
Something else I’d ask though, is does it have to be romantic? Yes you slept with him, and I’m with you that that would feel hopeful for more, but if you like this guy as a person why not stay casual? Forcing a relationship may ruin your potential for one, whereas just enjoying time with him — as a friend or otherwise — will still be… well, enjoyable. Romantic or platonic shouldn’t matter if you like him. I’d guess that he does like you, but is scared of what he did and wants to be careful (I could be wrong though, I’m no love guru or mind reader).
This is all just speculation and my own opinion, but hopefully it helps. Anyone have and thoughts about what I said?