Ok, so let me give you some backround.
I am 21 year old, never had a girlfriend, and am still a virgin. I know 21 and still a virgin??!?!? What a loser, but i do not feel that way and never have. I am content in being a virgin and feel no need to participate in meaningless physical connections. I want to have sex with someone i love and feel that will be the only thing that will satisfy me.
Now for the girlfriend part. I have not had a girlfriend and have never even really been close to having one. There have been around 5-6 girls that i have gotten really close to over the course of my life to the point where i knew everything about them and they felt very secure in telling me their deepest personal secrets. I enjoy this do not get me wrong but i crave a meaningful relationship with a lover and stay away from superficial relationships. I believe that i am the so called “nice guy” that girls can only view as a friend.
Also let me just say that physicaly there is no problem i and a health freak. 5’9, 180lbs, 12-14% bodyfat so i know looks are not my problem. I have had plenty of girls flirt with me and catch them staring every once in a while when i first walk in the room.
I am just wondering why if girls say all guys are emotionless and dicks, why are they not interested in me?
My personality is ver, very chill and relaxed. I am not concerned with social norms and so called roles of that a male and female should follow and clothes and material objects have no value for me. I almost feel that i cannot relate to most people because i feel they are just not on the same value and moral stage that i am and just love their mundane life to much. Maybe girls get that vibe from me and are turned off, im not sure. At this point i do not understand why but i am not changing myself to attract a companion. I want someone who accepts all of me for who i am and i will do the same for them.
If anyone has any insight to why i seem not to be able to have a meaningful relationship or ever to have my first relationship feel free to say anything.
I Truly respect you for withholding this long, and for knowing yourself so well. I believe that many women are “turned off” by you because you threaten their ego. There are too many women and men completely attached to material things in this time period of life and really just dont “Get it”. Although that sounds very cocky of me to say… But you said it yourself as well. But these women see you, and they see how you are comfortable with who you are, while they are not. As a result, their ego builds up a defense against you because it senses a threat. However, people are starting to wake up more and more. I think the best thing for you to do is to surround yourself with people who have the same mindset as you. Try to meet as many new people as possible and get to know every person you see. I’ve met so many people recently who think like me, and are fascinated by life and are constantly questioning and striving to do their best. This site tends to be full of them.
Also, do what you love. As long as you are where you want to be right now, and you are happy, then you are where you are superposed to be. If you wake up everyday and love your life, and can make it up the many mountains you are destined to climb, then everything else will fall in line.
@paralyticdreams, I dont understand how they would view it as a threat to themselves. Because i am a completely accepting person. I accept people for who they are and do not hold anything in their past against them. Wouldnt they find that comforting? A legit question because i do not know.
@jallis11, I’m in a similar situation as you and I’m starting to find my way through it. I’ll see if I can help out
How do your conversations with women generally go? Are they more like an exchange of facts or are they more emotional and flirty?
@jallis11, You may be framing the issue in terms of finding a mate, and sometimes that sets up a vibe with women that can seem alienating or objectifying, even if you’re being the “nice guy.” A good first contact is just friendship. Ultimately, if you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time, it’s not about scoring or hooking up or fireworks, it’s about who do you want to spend time with, talk to, hang out with… This is like finding a best friend who also happens to be really sexy to you.
So, look for a person with whom you connect in that way, and let go of the other layer of expectation and confusion. Things might happen when you least expect it.
“…feel that i cannot relate to most people because i feel they are just not on the same value and moral stage that i am”
This to me sounds like you have positioned yourself someone separate and perhaps superior to other people. That is a common tactic people take when they are unconsciously covering a hidden weakness.
What feels like superiority may actually be unresolved vulnerability. That’s not a bad thing – it’s important to be vulnerable, humble, flawed. If you can’t bring yourself down off your own pedestal, then you will not be able to respect other people, or be able to relate to them in a meaningful way.
If you feel disdain for others or judge them harshly, remember that the weaknesses and flaws you see in other people are generally what you are unconsciously fighting, embarrassed about, hate, or fear in yourself.
I guarantee people have more going on than you give them credit for. Get to know some people, make a fool of yourself, stop being self-important, let the cracks show. You will be more human for it, more relatable, more likable, and more connected to others.
You should explore some Shadow work. If not now, in the future. It will be good for your long-term development as a person. This is an excellent author: http://conniezweig.com/booksvideos/
@jallis11, You’re right about waiting until you feel a strong connection until you have sex. Physical sex without knowing the girl very well just ends in a not- so- great feeling afterwords.
But you also seem to be wondering why the girls you have been close to never want anything more than friendship, or don’t prefer you as a romantic parter over some of the asshole guys or cocky ones she may know. The reason these guys typically do well with women is because they possess some of the qualities most attractive to women, wired through evolution: confidence, persistence, self-worth, etc.
It could be that when you interact with women, your confidence is non-existent; or maybe you do have confidence in yourself but do not get it across to a girl your attracted to that you want to be more than just friends.
My advice would be: Don’t be fearful of physical contact or flirting if you really see yourself with a girl. If you really see both of you in a meaningful relationship, that is. Be confident in knowing that if you apply yourself and search out there for that girl, you will find her. Just don’t expect to not put any work in, it’s unlikely that she will come to you.
Look up “Simple Pickup” on youtube. I am not kidding, I promise you!! Yes, it is about picking up girls, but it also builds significant confidence!! I know you are looking for the “deep relationship” you want and with simple pickup you will increase your quantity of girls until you find the 1 that youre looking for. you have had 5-6 close girls. odds are that one of those girls is not “the one” for you. But if you learn simple pickup techniques you can increase to 100 different girls and you will learn more and more about women and what women are right for you! Always work on loving yourself before loving others!
@jallis11, As much as it pains me to admit it, I am 2 years younger and in a similar situation. Similarly some of my greatest friends are girls, but I never really pass into the romantic threshold.
I know for me a big part of what makes a woman attractive is her personality. I am attracted to women physically but that alone isn’t really conclusive for me.
I also don’t feel that I should not give in to the social pressure and mindlessly pursue sex just for the sake of it.
Additionally I find it difficult to meet many new people at college as most of the social life happens at parties and I don’t really enjoy that sort of thing since no actual connections happen at those things. Also I like to sleep so I don’t feel like shit XD
Most of the women seem really closed up, when I walk by and gently smile at a girl I think is cute or something they always look startled. I guess it doesn’t help I go to a polytechnic institute where most people spend most of their time in front to computers and books.
So I guess my follow up question to the others would be: what is a good way to get people you absolutely don’t know to genuinely talk to you and how do I practice getting past both mine and others’ anxiety of approaching and talking to random people?
I’m twenty and I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. To be honest, I’ve never felt the NEED for another person, (though I’ve definitely desired one at various points within my life). One of my many mottos is: “All natural everything.” This basically means that I will fail to force any situation, for any reason. If shit is not organic to me, then I want nothing to do with it. And so if I never come across a “worthy” female companion, so what?
The universe is in the driver’s seat.
You can be really attractive, you can be an extremely nice guy, relatable and trustable and funny and everything….but the truth is, if you don’t have game….things might not go any further than friendship. Being a “nice guy” sometimes isn’t enough, sometimes you need to make the first moves. This is why some girls tend to choose “bad guys” over “good guys,” because often the case is that these so called bad guys have a lot of confidence and know how to charm, and that’s key. If you want more than friendship you have to show that. I’m not saying you have to change who you are, you just have to know how to approach a girl your interested in so that she knows you’re interested in more than friendship.
@vastonealive, I believe that my confidence is high because i strive to live my life by the idea of i really do not care what other people might think of me. In my past yes i have been held back by confidence. But recently i have changed dramatically and come to the realization that what people think of me who i do not know really dosnt matter. That has freed me so much in being the actual me. Isnt that confidence, or atleast true confidence?
@jallis11, Yeah man, true confidence is 100% being yourself and not caring what others think, no doubt. That’s the best way to weed out girls who you don’t connect with as well.
I’m just suggesting that as far as getting a girl to know your intentions, are you at all physical, as in touching when flirting every now and again? This shows her that you aren’t looking for just friends but want something more, like as you described in this comment : “i crave a meaningful relationship with a lover and stay away from superficial relationships. I believe that i am the so called “nice guy” that girls can only view as a friend.”
The nice guy always finishes last, not because he’s too nice, but because usually he doesn’t make moves physically; telling a girl that you’re attracted to her and really like her is not enough. Most of the time if you do this, and just leave it at that, the relationship won’t move further. The “nice guys” can stay nice, but they need to learn to show that they are confident in themselves by not being afraid to touch and directly communicate to a woman that they are interested. Most guys who fear rejection leave it to telling the girl that they are attracted and that’s all they do, which is why they never get anywhere. Take risks man.
I know this because I was stuck in it myself, and got out of it by doing exactly what I just described. Hope this helps.
@jallis11, What a coincidence! My name is Josh as well =) lol. let me tell you my specs. I’m 6’2 155pounds. I’ve never had a girlfriend either nor have I had sex. I’m 21. I mean I want to have sex, but I also really want to find the right one. Anyways, hopefully this helps. Maybe we can conversate some more and get to know each other’s situation. I’m glad I’ve found someone I can relate to =)
Ok so here is goes.
Me and this girl had gotten really close over the past 4 weeks to the point where i thought we were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She was 3 years younger than me. I was always reading and stuff so i came off to her as very smart and intellectual. Then suddenly after 3 weeks the texting and talking stopped. We went from non-stop texting and calling each other everyday for two weeks to not talking at all for the last 5. I reached out to her when i noticed she seemed distant but then i gave her space and waited for her to reach out to me but she never did.
I feel that she realized that the strong, intellectual, smart guy she thought i was is not actually there (or at least not fully). I belive that i am very insecure and the reason i let this girl in was because i could not belive she was into me (she is a very smart girl speaks 3 languanges and very well off finacialy). I thought that i was secure in myself but after really digging deep into myself i realize that i am not. I covered my insecurities with the false sense of not caring what other people thing but in reality their view of me was still what i craved.
I am not starting a journey to find out who the heck i am. I am starting from square one. I realized that drugs are also not going to get me anywhere. I have been using psychedelics for “insight” but i have now come to realize that is the wrong way to go. I have just recently bought a book on Insecurities by Alan Watts and i plan to start meditating every day combined with doing a form of martial arts to focus my drive somewhere else besides researching drugs because that is just a dog chasing his tail.
In the end i understand that i am not ready for a relationship and i cannot blame girls. I am going to take a year and figure out who i am. Any guidance is welcome.
Keep telling yourself that. I don’t know you, and you could of spoken 100% truth, but something tells me its not the case.
‘I am content in being a virgin’
I don’t think you are. You wouldn’t be making a post like this if you didn’t care. Biologically programmed to want to mate, and you have failed to do so. Sexually frustrated I bet. I can understand that you don’t want a bimbo, specially for your first time. But you either have incredibly high standards or you simply can’t get any so you tell yourself that. I’m going with the latter.
‘i knew everything about them and they felt very secure in telling me their deepest personal secrets’
Looks like you have a severe case of getting friendzoned. If she unloading all her emotional baggage on you and you are investing too much effort on becoming a friend, not a lover.
‘…i know looks are not my problem’
If you were attractive, you would of gotten laid already, you are probably average. Which is okay. Most people are, thats why its the average.
‘ I am not concerned with social norms and so called roles of that a male and female’
I’m not sexist, don’t believe in guys pay for dates and girls do the dishes but there is something biological about being a man that woman are attractive too.
‘I almost feel that i cannot relate to most people…’
You may be victim of ‘i’m enlightened, superior, and better than these people who are so superficial’ attitude. Yes, people can be mindless consumers etcetera etcetera but they are people and you can probably relate in some way or another. Unless your autistic.
‘ But these women see you, and they see how you are comfortable with who you are, while they are not. As a result, their ego builds up a defense against you because it senses a threat.’
No, these women don’t see him as a viable mate. Women are attractived to men who are comfortable with who they are, and if anything they would be threatened by a men who isn’t and comfortable with a men who is.
I find it is always important to be avoid being results oriented. Your efforts are what matter. If you are being you and living the way you believe that you should be confident. You may go weeks months even years without success, but you must believe that what you are doing is right. I am 19. And I long as you do for more intimate meaningful relationships both romantically and not. I doubt as you do about the ways I am going about making this happen. I believe this doubt can be used for good. It can drive you to question and pursue new ways of doing things and other alternatives. Even this forum is an example of this.Keep pondering. Keep exploring. Keep pursuing your dreams and desires. Be the person that you know you want be. That person will attract the important people into your life.
Thanks for all of the advise you guys. I think i am just going to focus on self development for a while but not avoid girls. If it happens it happens. I just feel that i need to be complete in myself before i seek a companion to complete me if that makes any sense. I know see i was living behind a false sense of security and want to improve.
Here’s to all the nice guys haha
Don’t worry too much about it, man. I’m in a similar boat as you, a virgin, but not really concerned or embarrassed about it. Girls have wanted to do it with me before but I just never went through with it because I have certain standards. I get horny, yea but I’m gonna make it worth it. If I’m going to do anything with a girl, I’ll invest a lot of time in it. I’ not the kinda guy who can just go around having flings or one night stands. I’m an attractive, fit, intelligent male too, and I even party sometimes but that’s not what it’s about. I have had several short meaningless relationships that seemed important at the time but just seem pathetic now. Now I’m just trying to invest my time in the one girl i know is perfect for me, not just to hook up with her and fuck her. Trying to be the “nice guy” not the player seems hard, but really i just look at it like which is more important to me: getting laid or being real. I wanna hold onto my standards and morals and am willing to wait.
Truth is, worthy girls are extremely rare. Our generation is pretty fucked up, yea, so you gotta keep searchin for a real girl who gets it, you know? One whose not just a mindless hoe. Smart, pretty, comfortable to be with. Just keep it real, be real, be genuine. Eventually that girl will see it and it’ll be right. Everyones so obsessed with meaningless pleasure and social status and such and I respect you for not getting tricked into that shit.
I read recently that virginity is linked to intelligence. Young people with higher IQs are less likely to lose their virginity in their teen years. I don’t know if it’s true but I could see how that could be.
Just let it be something that happens naturally, not a priority. Not something you care so much about.
Another virgin here.
20 years old.
i guess if i really wanted to have sex i would have done it by now.
the thing is, people these days, with big egos, its hard to find a person i want to be in a relationship with.
recently i found a girl, i fell in love, she did int.
but still that relationship made me learn so much!
and to the most sensible and younger of us i have to be very careful, because people our age, are all about getting drunk and going to parties.
also another thing, is people just put on masks, never showing their true selfs.
it just makes me sad, that we are not all being who we are, instead people think going the ego’s way is the way to do it.
i see all this and i weep, for all the wasted potential.
but back on topic.
i never had a gf too, this would make my mind race a few months back.
and now that i have a slightly different perspective, i see that is not that hard.
even for someone that people can consider ‘ugly’ like me.
its so easy, any girl can become your girl!
If you describe yourself as the nice guy you don’t have something other than what people should have by default. Not being an asshole but I noticed most people who bring this conversation to this table are just making excuses. You need to give me other words that make you the man girls don’t like assholes some girls do but they aren’t the girl for you anyway only ghetto as boody would stick around for that and if you have a killer attitude sure you can treat people like shit im not even joking I think you probably experienced this once in your life or if your lucky you havnt. Your mentality is wrong and I think you have been perverted by the internet with all this nice guy bad boy bullshit. Never be that black and white this is about you and her and nobody else. You have chick friends that you can share your secrets with? ask them im sure they know you than random people on the internet.
@jallis11, I’m going to say first, my brother I feel you…You and me are very similar you want a SENSUAL FRIEND not a SEXUAL FEIND. You want the real thing not the false connotaions of the dull and boring mainstream world…you want something everlasting something will make your life and evn death world worth while.. beng completely honest you are RIGHT in your ways man FUCK THE BULLSHIT AND BE YOU man and eventually the law of attraction will bring HER around sounds mystic and what not but trust me you’d rather wait for something great than rush for something good PEACE and GOOD LUCK my friend YOU GOT THIS