Never Had A Girlfriend

 Bob (@jallis11)7 years, 8 months ago

Ok, so let me give you some backround.
I am 21 year old, never had a girlfriend, and am still a virgin. I know 21 and still a virgin??!?!? What a loser, but i do not feel that way and never have. I am content in being a virgin and feel no need to participate in meaningless physical connections. I want to have sex with someone i love and feel that will be the only thing that will satisfy me.

Now for the girlfriend part. I have not had a girlfriend and have never even really been close to having one. There have been around 5-6 girls that i have gotten really close to over the course of my life to the point where i knew everything about them and they felt very secure in telling me their deepest personal secrets. I enjoy this do not get me wrong but i crave a meaningful relationship with a lover and stay away from superficial relationships. I believe that i am the so called “nice guy” that girls can only view as a friend.
Also let me just say that physicaly there is no problem i and a health freak. 5’9, 180lbs, 12-14% bodyfat so i know looks are not my problem. I have had plenty of girls flirt with me and catch them staring every once in a while when i first walk in the room.
I am just wondering why if girls say all guys are emotionless and dicks, why are they not interested in me?
My personality is ver, very chill and relaxed. I am not concerned with social norms and so called roles of that a male and female should follow and clothes and material objects have no value for me. I almost feel that i cannot relate to most people because i feel they are just not on the same value and moral stage that i am and just love their mundane life to much. Maybe girls get that vibe from me and are turned off, im not sure. At this point i do not understand why but i am not changing myself to attract a companion. I want someone who accepts all of me for who i am and i will do the same for them.
If anyone has any insight to why i seem not to be able to have a meaningful relationship or ever to have my first relationship feel free to say anything.


September 26, 2013 at 4:55 pm
Smooth Trooper (5) (@zios121) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

much love <3
it felt so good, not being afraid anymore, i was so afraid to lose this girl, i tought my life would end.
and she was playing me for a fool anyways.
one of the things that i don't like about some people is that
towards the end, this girl would barely talk to me, but if i said anything about leaving or finding someone new, she would get mad, and start saying im crazy.
i told her i loved her, she does not seen to care…
so i guess its only normal that i should move on, avoiding all the drama, and just leaving.
and im happy! if i was so happy when i was with her, i can only imagine another person that maybe the right one for me!

Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@jallis11,” I am 21 year old, never had a girlfriend,”

-Congratulations, mate. How did you escape their venomous tendrils for this long haha?

“I know 21 and still a virgin??!?!? What a loser, but i do not feel that way and never have.”

-Good attitude. Name calling doesn’t mean shit. When you do what you do is up to you.

“I want to have sex with someone i love and feel that will be the only thing that will satisfy me.”

-How could you possibly have any clue about that if you haven’t even tried?
You really can’t. It’s just an assumption, a projection you’ve fabricated.
But, it’s up to you, if you think it’s worth pursuing then go for it. Just be aware that you could end up very disappointed, not that that’s necessarily a bad thing.
Only time will tell.

“I believe that i am the so called “nice guy” that girls can only view as a friend.”

-Stereotypes, eh? How nice you are does not determine what kind of relation girls will have to you.
And yknow, if you have the mindset that girls will only see you as a friend, that’s how thins will probably turn out. It’s all about the vibe.

“so i know looks are not my problem.”

-Looks is rarely a problem, seriously.

“I am just wondering why if girls say all guys are emotionless and dicks, why are they not interested in me?”

-Dude, what? That’s a fucking quantum leap right there. The two things are not connected.
Another thing to keep in mind, people lie to themselves a lot, women in particular… what a person claims to want is not necessarily what turns them the fuck on.
If you have no “fire” in you, you will be unattractive, especially to girls. It’s all about that raw, romantic passion, expressing your masculine core and sexuality. Without that, there is nothing to give attraction a spark.

“I want someone who accepts all of me for who i am and i will do the same for them.”

-That’s what everyone says, but who delivers?
You’re contradicting yourself, since you refuse to relate to those who do not fit your “value and moral” frame.

“If anyone has any insight to why i seem not to be able to have a meaningful relationship or ever to have my first relationship feel free to say anything.”

-It’s because you’re making it weird. Super weird.
And yknow, because you won’t even tippy-toe in the water yet you expect a smooth dive from the top of the tower, and you think it’s just gonna happen by itself?

If you want something, you gotta go for it.

Smooth Trooper (5) (@zios121) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@manimal, you made some great points!
loved you post, so much truth, but yet calm as a flying dove.

it is just like the last part of the post you made, if you want something you gotta go for it.

and just by talking about it arent we screwing up some quantum future relationships? i joke

but really now, after i saw that the relationship could not go any further, i ‘stepped outside the box’ and what i saw has beautiful, so many different possibilities.
i was amazed! and oh so full of hope and love, that the law of attraction brought me not one but around 3, 4 choices!

now its the time not give into fear, of not being good for them, not interesting, or the ol mind that comes and says that these girls all have 1000 different guys with way better looks, money, cars or what ever on their tails.
all that just left me more secure in myself really.
since i started being more ‘woke up’
idunno, some guys thing they are never good enough.
to any of you that may be reading, dont give up, stay true to what you love, and you will attract those you want around you.
i been talking to models about atoms and the origins of the universe, and they still like me!
i mean, before i just tried too hard i guess, girls can smell the bullshit from miles away.
and to any that always seem to get stuck on the friendzone. you gotta be bold!

im sorry if my post’s grammar sucks, im not really and english speaker and sometimes writing i get a bit outta hand lol

vivaciouslyv (24) (@vivaciouslyv) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@jallis11, I believe you are looking for a girl who has transcended the social norms and is working on her ego. It will be a tough find but well worth the wait. Congratulations on waiting, you seem like a wonderful guy. Perhaps its your age. I’m 19, and coming out of a five year relationship, so I have not developed with the “social romantic norms.” Maybe girls just need more time before they can appreciate a guy like you.

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@jallis11, I haven’t really read any of the other comments, but just let me say that you sound like am amazing person. You actually sound like the kind of guy I would be interested in, and I’m sure a lot of the other girls on HE might say the same thing. Reading your post was like a deja-vu flashback to my own thoughts from a few months ago. I felt pretty alienated from other people because I just have a completely different perspective and I got frustrated sometimes. I still do. Try to find a balance between not judging people but not conforming to them either if that’s not you.

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 because I held out until the timing was right. There is nothing wrong with being a 21, 25 or even 40 year old virgin if the timing isn’t right. I think it’s just that you haven’t found any girls that are right for you yet. My best advice is not to settle. Be completely, utterly and unashamedly yourself. Always. Radiate confidence and you-ness and some day someone will come along that is totally into it.

P.S. I did see you saying you bought a book by Alan Watts… is it the Wisdom of Insecurity? I don’t know if it’s what you think it’s going to be but it’s one of my favorite books. Definitely worth the read.

Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, ” You actually sound like the kind of guy I would be interested in, and I’m sure a lot of the other girls on HE might say the same thing.”

I don’t mean to accuse you of anything or make fun of you, but…

I can almost guarantee you that the girls the OP talked about have all said that phrase to him.

That phrase is just what girls tell friendzone guys. We’ve all heard it plenty of times. It’s a nice thing to say, but it doesn’t really mean anything, and reality always contradicts it.
I’m not joking, that phrase is so stereotypical. Just like “it’s not you, it’s me” and the dozen other standard response cliché phrases people (usually girls) say in painful relationship-related situations.

@zios121, Well the thing is, when you think you have nothing to offer, you really don’t, because of that very belief all your amazingness is blown away and hidden not only from other people but even from yourself until you snap out of it. And while you’re in that state, you become an “energy vampire” of sorts and people “shut you out.”

And yknow, a lot of people get really uncomfortable when someone wants them but can’t speak up, it’s subcommunicated and gives rise to all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. Even guilt in many cases, people often feel bad for not liking someone who likes them, it’s really silly but that’s the way it goes with a lot of people. Especially young girls. And they blame both themselves and the other people for these bad people, and they see no other way out than distancing each other to relieve the pain.

People don’t like that uncertainty. It’s like when one of those annoying salesmen walk up to you in the street or mall and just start talking in a friendly way but you know they have some agenda and are just beating around the bush and trying to warm you up… it’s very annoying and uncomfortable, isn’t it? And it’s made even worse by the fact that you’re expected to listen and be polite “because that’s good manners, don’t be rude.”

And if you ever feel like women will ditch you for someone’s looks, money, cars or such, you really need to revise your view on women, because that shit is fucked up and belittling.
There are golddiggers, yes, but very few women belong in that category. And it’s easy to tell which ones do. Don’t worry.

Women have brains yknow. Values, morals, and the ability to be righteous and honest.
A lot of them act like they don’t, but yet again it’s easy to tell the good ones from the bad ones.

Women can love you just for you, yknow. Not your looks or habits or the things you say, just you. It’s enough, really.

Millions of generations, all your ancestors since the beginning of life have hooked up and gotten better at it. The people that live today are the result of that. Of course you can do it, it’s fucking easy, it’s in your DNA. You attract people and people attract you, unless you pinch of that flow.

Just relax and be real. You will love it, and those you pursue will love you for it, because it’s rare these days.

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@manimal, Well I was being sincere, so, no.

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, Sorry I’m going to chime in here. I know you may feel that you’re being sincere, and I don’t know you at all (although I do like your posts), but when was the last time you actually dated a guy like that?

I feel like girls who say things like “you sound like the guy I’d be interested in” when it comes to “nice guy” (i.e. passive, worried about what other people think more than their own self opinion, etc., constant underlying low level anxiety, etc.) situations like this, actually have good intentions and believe what they are saying is true. Their conscious minds have an ideal of what type of guy they’d like, but your unconscious drives, desires, and what type of guys you actually go for say otherwise. I’ve witnessed and experiences this a lot of times. And I’m not really throwing around any blame here, because who wants to be with a depolarized guy?

I’m just asking you to question the sincerity of that statement.

Because it seems like 99% of the time, what girls say/think they want and what they actually want are two completely different things. And I’m not trying to imply that it’s some sort of conscious manipulation game, but it’s still a reality. And I think saying things like “I’d love to date a guy like you” when it comes to these situations just validates and perpetuates the needy behavior by giving these guys some sort of mental validation of the way they behave.

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, Ultimately you are the only one in charge of your self-esteem, but it must be frustrating and disheartening to look for a meaningful relationship and not be able to find one so I understand why he is down on himself. I think it’s normal to go through phases of depression, low self-esteem and soul-searching because it leads us to positive change.

What do you mean by “a guy like that?” Are you just looking at the negative stuff he listed? Here’s the stuff I noticed:

Not wanting to participate in meaningless physical connections
Craving meaningful relationships
Chill and relaxed
Not concerned with social roles or gender norms
High moral stage and standard

I don’t know. Maybe I’m not a typical girl. I’ve never dated a guy who was super alpha male or over-the-top macho, not empathetic, at a low spiritual or moral stage, superficial, etc. When was the last time I dated a guy like that? My last boyfriend who I was head over heels for and the guy I’m dating now has a lot of those qualities as well. Good observation but I’m sorry your point is invalid as far as I’m concerned.


Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, Oh and by the way I apologize on behalf of my sex that the women you have encountered have been so misleading.

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, When I said “a guy like that,” I was referring to all of what he said, not just the negative. Because I can relate deeply to the OP.

And you don’t have to be a fake, overly macho “alpha” male in order to be non-needy and non-passive around women. Just because you’re a good person and respect women and are sensitive and caring does not automatically mean that you have to be passive and self-conscious either. All these things are not mutually exclusive.

I understand this type of guy is very sensitive and compassionate, but just because someone is that way doesn’t mean they have to be passive and depolarized at the same time. Nor does it mean that you have to be a narcissistic fake alpha male in order to not be safe, secure, and boring. It seems like you have a lot of stereotypes about this.

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, Stereotypes? I practically copied that list out of his original post. Did I miss part of his comments where he referred to himself as passive and depolarized or did you infer that for yourself?

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, Well usually if you are brutally honest with yourself, you don’t just state your strengths, and then wonder why things aren’t really working out for you. So I inferred it. I think self-confidence and non-neediness trumps everything else when it comes to situations like this.

Sure being a good, sincere, genuine person is important. But he wouldn’t have any problems if he only had all good qualities and no issues.

You say you aren’t typical, but really no girl wants to be with an overly macho fake asshole. You think most girls would pick a guy who is a fake asshole over a genuine, authentic good person all else being equal? Hell no. It’s unfortunately just the better of the alternative of a sensitive, caring guy who lacks self-confidence and assertive masculinity.

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, well are you sure he’s really being passive? About a year and a half ago I remember breaking down to my friend that I didn’t know what was wrong with me because I wasn’t attracted to anyone. I had multiple friends and acquaintances doting after me at the time and I was just not interested in any of them. About a month later my last boyfriend came along and made me realize I just hadn’t met the right guy yet. If his post was about liking a girl and not going for it I would say it is a valid judgment but that’s not the case here. I don’t know, you can think what you want. But don’t make assumptions about all girls, that’s a stereotype ;) But hey, thanks for the compliment on my posts. You seem pretty smart too.

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, When I say passivity I don’t mean actively pursuing someone. It’s more of a way you carry yourself that people pick up on subliminally. You can be passive and pursue someone at the same time. They have nothing to do with each other. You can be assertive and never pursue anyone. Perhaps I’m just using the wrong phrasing here.

I think the root of the issue is confidence. And I’m not talking about “alpha” male fake self-confidence. I’m talking about genuine self-confidence. It has nothing to do with your morals, likes, dislikes, or whether you’re an asshole or not. You can be self-confident and a good person at the same time, like I said earlier. It just happens to be the case that most sensitive guys lack confidence in that arena, because they see how all the assholes act and they don’t want to be that way. Unfortunately, some of the behavior of these “asshole alpha” type guys is natural male behavior. Most of their qualities suck, but the few qualities they have that are natural and genuine are what attract girls. Girls aren’t actually attracted to assholes. And that’s why I think girls settle for this type of guy, because they pick up on those few positive qualities that “alphas” have.

And I appreciate the compliment. I just wanted you to know I wasn’t inferring judgment on you in specific, I was just commenting on what you said.

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, Also, where did I ever say “all girls” do this?

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, And yeah, you’ve taken it a step beyond in the fact that you chose not to settle and risked being just completely alone. But don’t make the mistake that these girls who choose to settle actually go for assholes because they like assholes. That’s not true. It just goes to show how rare it is to be masculine and a sensitivie, genuine person at the same time

Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, I never said alpha males were assholes. I just said I wasn’t attracted to the aplha male type.

“Because it seems like 99% of the time, what girls say/think they want and what they actually want are two completely different things.”
Sorry, not all girls. I stand corrected.

And the statement copied above seems to contradict your last post. I think our disconnect comes when you equated asshole with alpha male.

There is something an Greek philosopher, I can’t remember who, once said about how most arguments come from a misunderstanding of the other person’s viewpoint and not from an actual difference of opinion. I probably butchered that but hopefully you get the idea.

I don’t think the conversation between us is benefiting either of us so I’m gonna check out now. See you around

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, haha good call. I keep coming back to the realization that none of this philosophizing actually really matters.

Bob (18) (@jallis11) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Haha enjoyed that alpha- male talk, interesting. I can’t respond to everyone but thanks to all for posting. Really helped me to change my perspective on this whole subject. Love HE always helps me when I need it.

Mike Wuest (510) (@mikeyw829) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@jallis11, by the way, sorry for hijacking your thread for a little bit there. Hope you found some of what I said helpful to your situation. I got really emphatic about it because I can relate to your situation pretty well. You seem like a similar person to me.

NoCollege? (0) (@reyarbrough) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

im not a virgin but have hit a wall… and from personal experience i feel how you do in some ways. if you want to find the right girl you need to actually look. It seems so annoying when you are on the hunt for real love, real conversations, and a down to earth person. i have brushed away girls because they seem materialistic, sometimes even stupid. in reality i probably lost out, one of those might have been the one i wanted. they could be just like me but came off the wrong way. i was on a high horse of being “more open minded, and have a better understanding of the world” and was totally wrong. you might learn something about yourself accepting people that arent “on the same level” as i used to think. Honestly give people a chance! you have to “play the game” if you want to make progress in said game… you may be excluding yourself from what you really want.

Bob (18) (@jallis11) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@mikeyw829, It’s all good I enjoyed the conversation.
@reyarbrough, I do not think that I am on a high horse really. I don’t think I am better or have more value than anyone else because I believe we all are amazing, it is just whether or not we realize it. I do not keep away from people just because of what I might think of them. I actually love socializing with people that I know are completely different than me in every way because I find it interesting to get their view of things. But, for a companion, I am starting to see I am very selective in who I want. Not just any girl will suffice. And also to “playing the game” I will not participate in that in some ways. I like making my intents crystal clear and if a girl is kind of vague in what she wants I will not entertain it. That does not mean that I will not sweep her off her feet and stuff with random gifts and stuff like that. I just will not be in an “wait 3 days to call her” kind of retarded thing, if that makes any sense.

Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, I didn’t say that you weren’t sincere. Of course you were, and so were they.
But that doesn’t change anything.

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