Never Had A Girlfriend

 Bob (@jallis11)7 years, 8 months ago

Ok, so let me give you some backround.
I am 21 year old, never had a girlfriend, and am still a virgin. I know 21 and still a virgin??!?!? What a loser, but i do not feel that way and never have. I am content in being a virgin and feel no need to participate in meaningless physical connections. I want to have sex with someone i love and feel that will be the only thing that will satisfy me.

Now for the girlfriend part. I have not had a girlfriend and have never even really been close to having one. There have been around 5-6 girls that i have gotten really close to over the course of my life to the point where i knew everything about them and they felt very secure in telling me their deepest personal secrets. I enjoy this do not get me wrong but i crave a meaningful relationship with a lover and stay away from superficial relationships. I believe that i am the so called “nice guy” that girls can only view as a friend.
Also let me just say that physicaly there is no problem i and a health freak. 5’9, 180lbs, 12-14% bodyfat so i know looks are not my problem. I have had plenty of girls flirt with me and catch them staring every once in a while when i first walk in the room.
I am just wondering why if girls say all guys are emotionless and dicks, why are they not interested in me?
My personality is ver, very chill and relaxed. I am not concerned with social norms and so called roles of that a male and female should follow and clothes and material objects have no value for me. I almost feel that i cannot relate to most people because i feel they are just not on the same value and moral stage that i am and just love their mundane life to much. Maybe girls get that vibe from me and are turned off, im not sure. At this point i do not understand why but i am not changing myself to attract a companion. I want someone who accepts all of me for who i am and i will do the same for them.
If anyone has any insight to why i seem not to be able to have a meaningful relationship or ever to have my first relationship feel free to say anything.

Thanks

September 26, 2013 at 4:55 pm
Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@manimal, “That phrase is just what girls tell friendzone guys.”

I am a girl.

You also said it doesn’t mean anything.

If it is sincere then it does mean something. Please don’t tell me what I think.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, Sincerity doesn’t create meaning. A word is just a word, a thought is just a thought… but action is action. Action has meaning, words do not.

People say a lot of stuff, sincerely, they mean it, but it that doesn’t make it real… because their actions confirm that the opposite was true all along.

@mikeyw829 explained this stuff pretty damn well. People have these values and opinions, but on a deeper level they are not congruent. This is called cognitive dissonance. Denying stuff doesn’t make it go away, only makes it impossible to deal with it.

@jallis11, Here’s the thing, mate… most girls have the stuff that you’re looking for, but it’s covered under layer upon layer of lies and other bad shit.
We all know the drill, the girls have their looks and lifestyles and whatnot, it’s all nice but it’s all superficial and fake, without it they’ve got pretty much nothing.
BUT
that’s just another layer of bullshit, because underneath all that tragic, broken, insecure misery you’ll find her true, awesome self.

In today’s situation, there’s pretty much no way to just find a girl like the one you’re looking for. In this day and age, everyone is contaminated by this bullshit society, the way to find the great girls is by luring them out of their shell. That takes time and focus, and it’s messy, but it’s worth it yknow. For everyone involved, and for humanity.

It’s not like they’re created that way, it’s what they became by abiding to social conditioning for years and years. The way that was paved just for them. To trick them. And almost everyone falls for it.
Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the very girl herself, just that she’s made some really shitty choices in life. There’s always a way back, mistakes teach us life.

Peace

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Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@manimal, My actions line up with my words.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@emmaclaire, You don’t see the irony in declaring something like that, using only words?

You’re human, there’s a lot that you don’t know about yourself, and just like everyone else your mind has a tendency to reinforce itself with claims to awesomeness… it’s just natural, I’m not judging, but it’s still deceitful and giving in to it is a big mistake.

Acting like you’re perfect won’t get you where you want in life, it will keep you from ever getting it.
Incongruence is like a leaking tire. And the longer you ignore it, the more crippling it becomes.

It’s your loss, Emma.

Peace and love
//Elion

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Emma (193) (@emmaclaire) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

@manimal, Dude. I’m not claiming awesomeness or perfection. I’m stating preference.I don’t think I’m better than anyone else because of preference. My preference can be seen in who I have chosen to date in the past, who I refuse to consider and who I am attracted to. I don’t know how else to communicate this to you.

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Kuba (7) (@xkuba6x) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

I personally have never been in a relationship either. 24 year old dude here. My personal problem is that I am too judgemental of people prior to meeting them. It’s either that or I imagine them being worth more than myself in a way where i end up putting them on a pedestal. It’s actually a horrible way of viewing people but I realize this is a problem of mine and I’m attempting to be a more open and compassionate person. Shallowness is a problem along with my self conscious personality *i personally don’t believe I’m physically attractive in any way* but that’s a problem that I’m personally trying to get over. I’m trying to see that looks don’t matter as much as kindness and compassion does, even though deep down I believe that we love in a superficial world where looks outshine any personality. It’s a crappy way to live but it seems with more meditation more faith and more belief in the present moment will eventually turn out for the better. I’m the kid who never smiled but now I’m starting to smile more. Hopefully it’ll turn out for the best in the long run. If not than at least I kept my head up and kept smiling, helping people along the way.

Sorry if this wasn’t of any actual help to the OP but I kinda felt like it was a nice place to express myself. ^_^

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Ace Sidd (0) (@Ace Sidd) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

whaaa exactly the same as i (but i’m 18 and i found, maybe, the one, will see her today so will see)
you know some people are not mean to be with other and are mean to be alone. I get really close to the sadhus in my head. Maybe you’ll feel better alone or maybe not. Anyway you’re following the right path cuz you’r honest, keep that goin’ :)

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Matt (19) (@mockingmatt) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

you think too much. it will come. it doesn’t matter if you meet her as a stranger or if she is one of your closest friends. she will come.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

Do you all feel that when a girl decides she doesn’t “like” you, that it’s usually for a reason that you don’t like about yourself? I wondered that today. I seem to consistently fail with the girls I like, and I know I am not perfect. I don’t know that I am a catch right now, though I do believe that I could be someday. Since I joined HE, I have dropped some of my bad stuff but there’s still a lot about myself that I don’t like or wish was different or am still in the process of changing.

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

Do you all feel that when a girl decides she doesn’t “like” you, that it’s usually for a reason that you don’t like about yourself? I wondered that today. I seem to consistently fail with the girls I like, and I know I am not perfect. I don’t know that I am a catch right now, though I do believe that I could be someday. Since I joined HE, I have dropped some of my bad stuff but there’s still a lot about myself that I don’t like or wish was different or am still in the process of changing.

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Flynnstone (813) (@flynnstone) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

I’m gonna try and respond to this in the order that you wrote it, because you’ve said several interesting things I’d like to discuss.
Firstly, speaking as someone who lost their virginity at 21, I understand your sort of self-depreciating joking and the reason why you’re waiting is the reason I waited and almost word-for-word how I explained it to people who asked why I waited. So high-five for that :)
As for your belief that you are the “nice guy,” know that that argument is a major cop-out, and there’s two reasons why: 1) you actually are not as nice as you think you are (I’ll explain in a minute), or 2 and most importantly) the girls you are interested in dating are not interested in dating you for whatever reason. Literally whatever. reason. They could be in a bad mood when you flirt with them and not be feeling it. They could prefer brown hair and you have blonde. They could want a guy who is more/less muscular/skinny/fat. They could not like the way you laugh. Or the way you smell. These things you have no control over and are perfectly legitimate, in that we judge people’s attractiveness all the time on these basic stupid little things.
I don’t like (personally) when guys say they can’t get a girl because they’re too “nice” because it implies that being “nice” should get you a reward, like a cookie or something. It is the same principle that “douchy” guys follow that if they pay for something for a girl they take out, they deserve sex (or something) in return. No one gets anything in return for being a decent human being, and if these girls become your friends and you have great friendships, you need to look at yourself and say is it worth it being her friend or do I really only want to be with her if there’s a possibility I can have sex/date/fall in love/whatever with her? Figure that out and act accordingly. Because forcing yourself to be anyone’s friend when you don’t want to just to get laid is rude and something that “nice guys” think is ok to do (stereotypically).
As much as this sucks to hear, meaningful relationships all come from inside–when you have a meaningful relationship with the people already in your life (don’t just give up on them!), and love yourself and really work on having positivity and love in your life, then it will come around. Don’t immediately write people off as being shallow or not worth your time (unless you can see right away that they are :) ).
Ok. Sorry for the essay. But I’m gonna stop there.

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happyea (1,782) (@taras) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

My advice is don’t worry about the right one right now, she will come alone. Since you’re single, use this time to discover yourself, find your talents and a job you really enjoy and then “she” will show up unexpectedly you’ll see.

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NGM (2) (@NupurGM) 7 years, 4 months ago ago

Why do u think you come accross as the ‘nice’ guy who will guard all their dirty secrets? your answer might give you some answers…

21 year old girls around you may not be looking for the nice guy… maybe they will want him after a couple of years…. that does not mean u stop being who you are… just making a possible’ observation….

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Matt (19) (@mockingmatt) 6 years, 8 months ago ago

you don’t seem to be the type who’s interesting. you’re just nice and that’s all of it about you. that’s how they look at you. your personality may be just all that positive and boring.

ask yourself this. “am i interesting?”

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travisbickle (4) (@travisbickle) 6 years, 8 months ago ago

Women like confidence.Period. The fact you are questioning yourself shows a lack thereof. In short, show confidence and be assertive.

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