Things has happened lately, I’ve been introduced to some substances that slowly changed my way of thinking. Not only that of course, I’ve always been curious about whats inside my head, why I have been so depressed from time to time. Why I have been so weak and fragile, but in the next scenario full of energy and meaning.
I was very interested in “self-development” when I was 16 (male, mid 20s today) and read some about attraction and some about spirituality. I’ve been living my life filling out empty holes with things that don’t last, ignoring the fact that it would might be contra productive to not deal with my issues.Instead I was having high expectations, that led to constant failures and my relationships were pretty destructive with me being very hungry for attention and validation.
I’ve been very hollow for a while but with a depth I carry around without looking far into it. Until this last year, which was a turn point for me, including depression and brutal incidents that just had to take a turn. I’ve gained an interest around psychedelics and tried DMT along with a lot of discussions with friends and exploration on the web and inside my head – and as I said, things has started to change.
For the first time, I can relate to this mumbo jumbo I’ve read since I was 16. Be your own master, separate yourself from ego, live now not in the past/future etc. That has been out of my control during my adult years and now I’ve started to realize that I have so much more power than I thought..
..I guess!? Thats the point, I don’t know if I’m just losing it. Since there is such a clear difference in my way of thinking the last months, Im thinking that this may be an illusion. That I’m just building high walls to hide from the relevant anxiety-thoughts and so on. Identiy-crisis combined with finally found a way home (I’m not there yet, I just found the opportunities).
I guess I have the feeling that it shouldn’t be like this, I’m waiting for the next wave of depression and that this new-discovered world is just a good place to be in while waiting for it. Like, in other words, it Should not be like this. I am used to a shitty way of thinking, and thats the way it will continue to be.
I’m not sure what I want to discuss, it’s hard to express myself right now since I’m tired and pretty baked. Hope I can get some advice or something I guess.. Or just guidance, or just another article I should read. I love to read these days. Haha! Take care and good night :)
