I know and understand that deep down i have all the answers i need. But recently ive struggled with making a huge desicion; to leave my love to follow my heart. Ive searched for others with similar issues and logically i know that the right thing to do would be to follow what i want. But with my particular situation i am still unsure. Here is my story:
2013 some friends of mine moved out west to Lake Tahoe. My heart ached to be in the beautiful scene in the mountains and in jan 2014 i moved in with them. Although i was supposed to wait for my best friend to be ready to move with me, i grew impatient and moved with my current boyfriend. We’ve had many ups and downs but he is my best friend. He has opened my mind and my heart to so so much and has showed me the steps to enlightenment; he is the most stoic and faithful person i have met. I am quite eratic and high strung and ive been through a lot in my life (as have many others) and he has helped me move so so much further than i probably would have on my own. At some point in our situation in Tahoe him and i had an extreme arguement and he broke up with me and left me in Tahoe while he went to Las Vegas. And for the first time in my whole life, i was alone. No friends no family. And i found happiness within myself that i had never felt before. However, after a month i was forced out of the place i was staying, and in a panic i called my ex/friend and he came and got me. Now this is where my head is torn because now, living in Vegas, i constantly question if i left too soon. I long to be back in Tahoe, alone and free. My friend/ again boyfriend is still very supportive of me and i am currently taking an online class to help me further my knowledge in plant studies. I long to connect with nature and las vegas does not satisfy me. I never imagined i would enjoy living in a place like this and i dont. I am currently unmotivated and do nothing but sleep all day. I often do the same thing when im in a relationship; i dont go out and make friends, and i become reclusive. I constantly think of Tahoe and wonder if i left too soon. When i was there i would wake up so early and do so much with my day. I felt more motivated than i ever have! I tell myself that i am dwelling and not appreciating what i have now. That i need to just allow myself to stop stressing out, feeling like my life is going no where. So i wait for things to feel better. I am trying to be patient. Then, just today, a friend of mine from tahoe asked me to be her roommate. I am filled with fear and sadness at the thought of leaving someone that has stuck by me through so much and that i love dearly. And yet i know i would find immense happiness and fulfillment back in Tahoe. I realize that i have the choice to be happy anywhere, no matter what. and i am trying to find my place here in Vegas… But is this all a sign? Am i attracting Lake Tahoe back into my life? I would love some outside opinions and thoughts. Ive never been one to make decisions for myself, and ive always been so willing to sacrifice everything for someone else.. I dont want to be selfish and i dont want to regret leaving my love. But i also dont want to fight with him anymore because im not ‘as happy and motivated as i was.’
I mean it seems pretty obvious to me with sentences like ‘ I long to connect with nature and las vegas does not satisfy me. I never imagined i would enjoy living in a place like this and i dont. I am currently unmotivated and do nothing but sleep all day.’, ‘And yet i know i would find immense happiness and fulfillment back in Tahoe.’
You yourself have said it would bring you fulfilment. Yes we should be able to find peace anywhere, but that’s not to say we do, and if you have a chance of finding that with a change of circumstances…well why wouldn’t you? And honestly, I think it’s more selfish to knowingly make yourself miserable.
I’ve just been through a similar situation, although leaving my love was made much easier by his unsupportive attitude, but it was still a battle. If your partner was fully supportive, would he not want what’s best for you?
Like you said, you know you have the answers, just as I did for some time. Trust me, it is the biggest relief when you listen to them.
It’s clear that Vegas is not your thing,and Tahoe is right?
That seems to be quiet clear to me at least, so go to Tahoe! You get so many signals for what your excitement is, to be honest, it’s arrogant to want to know better than your intuition.
From a higher perspective you will keep trying to move yourself to where you want to be, it’s called by some as your emotional guidance system, it’s much more accurate than your rational mind, and surely more accurate than your self blame, and guild!
Your not living the life of your boyfriend, but yours right? So follow your passion, it’s not only recommended, but your only choice basically, because you will keep on lowering the dimmer switch of yourself up an till the zombie state.
So don’t be arrogant and follow your passion, there’s a life for you to live, shown to you by your intuition,joy,excitement,etc all the good stuff!
So honour that, and feel guilty if you don’t