Bare with me, it’s complicated, long… and probably pathetic story (as you’ve all probably guessed). Let me start by just saying that I’m a guy, I’m 24 years old, and I’m sort of shy when it comes to talking with girls I like. I just have trouble holding conversation sometimes, I feel awkwardness every-time there’s silence, and I really never gain a connection with anybody… probably because I’m so tense and nervous all the time. That said, over the past year I’ve made strides to work on myself, build confidence, and put myself in situations well out of my comfort zone. (Now on to my problem)
We met back a few months ago at work, but I noticed her from the moment she started working there. Generally, I don’t usually try for work relationships (mainly because I believe they never work), but this was different. I was in a rut. I hated working this dead end job, and couldn’t wait to graduate, quit that hellhole, and get a real job. But when she started, I couldn’t wait to come to work to see her (she sort of gave me a reason to get out of the rut I was in at the time). Anyways, so after a little while (merely a couple, maybe 2-3 weeks since she started) I finally built up the courage to go talk to her and get her number (or rather give her mine). She texted me back and we sparked and hit it off instantly. I found out she was pretty much a dork like me and we related a lot. She even liked my humor, which not many girls usually do, and I enjoyed making her laugh and smile at work and over texts. So I finally decided to grow a pair and ask her out a couple days afterwards. She told me that she, and I quote, “literally just started something with someone (from work)” a couple days prior. I took that as, either she’s trying to be nice and letting me down easy or she was serious. So I playfully called her out on it, and it turns out she was serious. She even went on to let me know that she would’ve accepted my offer if she didn’t just start something.
After that, we continued staying in contact. I was proud of myself that I finally sacked up enough to ask someone out, and intended it to be a lesson learned to never wait again (when you feel something, just go for it I thought). I never knew we’d continue talking and connecting more and more, but we did. The fact that there was another guy in the picture was tough, but it became a challenge for me, I wasn’t going to give up on this so easily now. However unfortunately, that guy eventually did become her boyfriend that she continues to have today. When she told me they were together officially, I wished her the best and told her, “He was a lucky guy.” Outside I was fine, but inside I felt like I took a haymaker to the gut. I’ve even met her bf a couple times, and I don’t like him. Not because he’s an ass-hat or douche-bag or anything like that (actually take away the situation I probably could see myself being friends with the guy), but because he was with her and he beat me to her fair and square (which probably makes me sound like an asshole and a jealous competitive douche-bag). I’m sorry; I don’t mean to come off that way.
Anyways, outta respect for her, I didn’t want to try anything to break them up, and plus I didn’t want to put her in a situation to cheat on him with me. It wouldn’t be right for either of them, cause if I was in his shoes that would NOT BE COOL (then I’d really be a douche-bag). And then of course, there would always be that thought of her doing that to me if I was with her after that (and I didn’t want that). So I decided to wait. I thought, maybe after a while she’d finally realize the other guy wouldn’t work out and then I could make my move. I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket, so of course I tried to pursue other woman… but no one compared to her. I couldn’t stop, thinking about her. Soon we text each other daily, and nightly and those text eventually became flirtatious. I’d hint every now and again that I’m still interested, but I’d never blatantly told her outright how I felt (I didn’t want to put her in that situation to make a choice), and plus I didn’t want to lose her (for whatever this is).
But now, I want more. I don’t want to tell her and make things awkward and unpleasant for her, it just wouldn’t be fair to her… Yet, is it fair to me to sit back and wait? I can’t lose her, but I’m not someone’s Back-up Plan (I’m better than that, and I deserve it… so does she). I’m so cautious now, because I’ve had my heart ripped out in front of me and trampled on so many times by people that I eventually became so numb to the fact of the situation that I just didn’t care anymore (hence the rut I was in). For a long time I just gave up on getting a girlfriend… In fact, I’ve never even truly had girlfriend before (which is why I’m not sure I know if I’m in love, or lust, or I just like her). I don’t want to lose someone who I KNOW has mutual feelings, and I’m not the only one who sees it. SHE’S told me that her friends have seen both us (her and I), and them (her and the bf) together, and think we’re, “more natural” than her current, what they called “forced” relationship. But, it’s not their choice, or mine for that matter to make. It’s hers. So I guess the real question is what do I do? Do I risk it, tell her how I feel, and hope she accepts me for it? Or do I continue doing what I’m doing, and wait it out till she decides? I feel like the real life Ted Mosby here… and I could really use some advice from a couple of Marshall and Lillys right now.
Obviously you want this girl, but what is it that you are after? Do you want to maintain a relationship where you’re already emotionally invested in this girl-who is emotionally invested in another guy? She may be flirtatious with you, but she isn’t going to give you the satisfaction of the relationship that you want…unless she cheats on her boyfriend.
My advice? Tell her how you feel. Although it may change the dynamics of your relationship right now, she’ll know that you have feelings for her. That may work out in the end for you. Be completely honest with her and then see what happens.
@srhhrkr, I want a REAL relationship with her, I want to be her boyfriend… but I DON’T want to be the person to break them up for it. I WANT to tell her how I truly feel, but I can’t do that because I would feel like I’m the bad guy for taking her away from someone else. Either that, or I’ll be rejected and she’ll think its too weird for us (WHICH I ABSOLUTELY Don’t want)… However, I’m not going to say I haven’t tried or thought about telling her least. I’ve tried to hangout with her 1 on 1 (just to simply hang out and nothing more), but she was worried that (and I quote), “What if something would happen?” Which would mean either 2 things.
1) She doesn’t trust me enough not to try anything (which would hurt), because She Knows that I have feelings for her, and she doesn’t want to risk it.
2) She doesn’t trust herself enough not to try anything, because She Has feelings she doesn’t want to act upon (since she has a BF).
I want to take your advice, but again I have to go back to lose her. Thank you, I really do appreciate this advice though (and more is welcomed).